by Claire Raye
All I can think is, I did this to her.
“Come home with me,” I say, and there’s no question to my statement. It almost comes out as demand. “You have no place to go.”
She says nothing and by now she has looked away, her eyes focused out the window as a train passes by shaking the building slightly. The noise distracts me from her lack of answer for just a second, but I’m brought back when she still hasn’t replied.
“I’m not asking you to move back in or for us to get back together. You need someplace safe, a place that’s home, a place where someone can take care of you. Where I can take care of you,” I add and this time she speaks.
“You’re doing this because you feel guilty,” she says and I can hear her attempting to make excuses as to why she shouldn’t.
“I’m not. You’re hurt and it would be a shitty thing to leave you here alone. You know that.”
And again she doesn’t respond.
“You can have the bedroom. I’ll sleep in the guest room. We don’t even have to share a bed. You don’t even have to talk to me. I just need to know you’re okay, that you’re safe,” I state, trying to convince her.
“I don’t want to rely on you,” she says, choking back a sob and I move so I’m sitting next to her now. And for the first time since I walked into her room, she shows her vulnerability. She leans her body against mine, her head resting on my chest and she just cries.
I can’t even imagine how she’s feeling right now, how torn she must be. And throughout all her inner turmoil, she responds with, “Take me home, please.”
Part Three: Nora & Elliot
Chapter Eighteen: Nora
One Year Later
A lot can change over the course of a year. People you were friends with no longer exist in your life. Someone you thought you fell in love with has now disappeared. People get married and have babies, or divorce and go their separate ways. Life never stops despite the need for it to sometimes. It can be overwhelming and heartbreaking, but it can also be exhilarating and wonderful.
Buy a house, take a new job, fall head over heels in love, lose yourself for a minute, but find yourself exactly where you should have always been.
Over the last year my life has been a whirlwind of almost all of these and maybe even more.
Now that I’ve finally sat down to breathe, I can actually begin to enjoy it.
Maybe.
When I woke up this morning, there was this nagging, pulling feeling in the back of my mind. The kind that keeps coming back to you. You get distracted but then it reappears and reminds you that something is off.
It’s a huge day and I keep reminding myself of that every time I feel the nervousness stir in my belly. Two hours ago I signed a three book deal with a large New York publishing company; something that only existed in my dreams.
It wasn’t like everything happened overnight, but right now it is all coming together so quickly and while I’m excited, I can’t get rid of this strange feeling.
My hands shook as I signed the paperwork with my agent seated next to me, and the entire time I sat unnaturally quiet, unsure of what to say next. It had been my dream for so long and to have it finally happen is far more overwhelming than I expected.
It took six months for my book to get noticed. With Alice’s help, I decided to self-publish, just needing an opportunity to have my story told, even if it was only read by a few people.
Alice became a one woman PR machine, seeking out people to read my book, researching how to market it and with her connection to the media through her photography job, she was able to get my book into the hands of some serious readers and one person, who I owe more of a thank you than anyone, a reviewer for People Magazine.
Shortly after taking her job as the photographer’s assistant, Alice began making connections and booking freelance work. Her personality has always been her biggest asset and all her sucking up and schmoozing landed her some pretty high-end clients.
Right around the time I published mine and Elliot’s story, Alice landed a job with People Magazine to photograph their book reviewer and an author for an upcoming article. Alice saw this as an opportunity to kindly, but forcefully cram my book down this woman’s throat. And while I was mildly upset with her and her lack of boundaries once again, I have to be grateful to her, because without her big mouth my book would still be unknown.
My phone rings next to me as I finally sit down and exhale the breath I have been holding since I woke up this morning.
Taking it from the end table, Alice’s name lights up the screen.
“Hello, Alice,” I say and she laughs. She’s been calling and texting me non-stop for the last three hours.
“All done?” she asks.
“Yep. It’s final. I’m a writer. A legit writer.”
“You were a legit writer a year ago, too,” she says, annoyed with my humbleness. “You were a legit writer last week when your book made the USA Today bestseller list. You’ve always been a legit writer.”
“Thanks, Alice.”
“Now come out and meet us so we can celebrate,” she shouts down the phone and I pull it away from my ear.
“How come you’re not panicking?” I ask and she laughs again.
“Because I’ve had several glasses of wine and I’m the queen of procrastination.”
“We sure know how to pack a weekend full of overwhelming shit, huh?”
“Yep.”
Alice is having the grand opening for her photography studio tomorrow night. After spending the year working as someone’s assistant, she found she’d much rather be on her own. She also found that she amassed a large group of high-end clients who are willing to pay top dollar to have her photograph their kids. So in the end she opted to open a family and lifestyle photography studio after her work had been featured in numerous family and pregnancy magazines.
“Where are you?” I ask so I can meet her.
“At the studio. James and Ryan are here doing the set up.”
“I’ll be there in a few.”
I walk into Alice’s studio and it looks amazing. It takes my breath away to see how far she’s come in the last year. Both of us finding something we love and pouring our heart and soul into it.
She has organized a grand opening event, inviting all her clients to attend and asking them to spread the word. As of right now she has at least one hundred people confirmed to attend and from the looks of it, she is pretty much done with the set up. I’m sure that was courtesy of James and Ryan.
James greets me with a kiss on the cheek as Ryan finishes up moving a table while Alice orders him around.
“James, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you not smelling like a dirty crotch as Alice so eloquently put it,” I say as he pulls away from me.
James and Alice kept in touch after we left Astoria and to my surprise, their relationship turned serious about six months ago and he left his fishing job and moved to New York. Unbeknownst to Alice, James actually has degrees in biology and chemistry and quickly landed a job as a research assistant with a pharmaceutical company.
I have to say when he first said he was moving to New York I was skeptical, thinking back to all the losers Alice has hooked up with in the past, but James has exceeded my expectations and Alice seems sublimely happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen her.
“She just has a way with words,” James comments back and Alice smirks at him from across the room before he stalks over and pulls her in for a kiss.
Ryan smiles at me shyly from where he’s standing in front of the table Alice asked him to move. It’s still very new, but I like him. We met about eight months ago and after far too much internal debating, we ended up together.
It was one of those hook-ups that seemed destined to happen and after what went down with Elliot, I decided not to let this one pass me by. Every morning for at least a month, Ryan would be in line either behind or in front of me when I stopped at a local coffee shop. Sometimes the line would
be long and we’d chat and it eventually turned more than friendly and I began to look forward to flirting with him in line. I even found myself feeling letdown when he wasn’t there some days. One morning, I got in line to find Ryan missing and my heart sank. But as the line dispersed, Ryan was waiting for me at the front with my order and a cheeky smile on his face. After that it all kind of came together and we’ve been together ever since.
It’s simple and easy and comfortable, and although I’m happy, I still have thoughts of Elliot. It’s hard not to, the constant comparison is always present no matter how hard I try to push it aside. Ryan knows about the situation, but not the full extent of it. He opted not to read the book and it’s not like I could’ve kept it from him anyway. There was no way to hide it given the story is what catapulted my career beyond my dreams. But now it doesn’t control my life and with Ryan, I find my memory slowly losing what I thought it once needed. And although it has faded, Elliot will always remain a part of me.
Ryan steps in front of me and kisses me before pressing his face into the crook of my neck and whispering, “Hi, baby. You smell amazing.”
“Thank you,” I say back, kissing him again.
“How’d everything go today?”
“Perfect, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t nervous as hell,” I respond, trying to sound casual. All this hype surrounding my book has really brought my thoughts of Elliot to the front of my brain. Sometimes I feel guilty thinking about Elliot when I have Ryan here with me.
“Nah. You have nothing to be nervous about,” he says pulling me into his arms and kissing along my neck. “You’re amazing.”
Ryan always knows exactly what to say and on most days his words would be enough, but today, I’m struggling. I hate feeling anxious.
I would have thought by now this feeling would have dissipated, but the anxiety is still here. Maybe it’s because of Alice’s grand opening, all the money both of us have put into this dream of hers, but when I look over at her, she’s anything but nervous. Giggling and teasing James as the two of them finish hanging the paper lanterns. Something just doesn’t feel right, but by the looks on everyone’s faces in this room, I’m the only one who feels this way.
“You okay, baby?” Ryan asks and I swallow hard, forcing back the need to confess to him that something is bothering me. But I’m not even sure what I can tell him. It’s just a feeling.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I lie, trying on a fake smile.
Ryan returns the smile, taking my hand in his, he leads me over to Alice and James and we start discussing where we should eat dinner.
The night goes by without incident and the nervousness that filled my day is finally beginning to fade. James and Alice head back to his place while Ryan and I make our way back to my apartment. Alice is still living with me, but in recent weeks has begun to spend more and more time at James’ apartment.
Exhausted from the day’s events and knowing we have to be up early to continue preparing for Alice’s grand opening, we decide to go to bed immediately after arriving home.
Lying next to Ryan in the silence of the room, my thoughts begin to wander and I find myself thinking about Elliot. In a week it will be thirteen years. I hate the number thirteen and not for all those stupid reasons that people claim it’s superstitious.
My mother died on the thirteenth of July, I broke both my arms when I was thirteen trying to do an axel jump on a makeshift ice rink my dad built in the backyard, thirteen was the number of times I was contacted by the same agent when I first started writing back when I finished college, only to finally be turned down by her.
It’s an ugly number in my world and tends to only bring problems. There are plenty more reasons why I hate that number and now I can add never finding Elliot to that list. Year thirteen. The year I gave up.
I roll over and press myself against the warmth of Ryan’s skin. His smell is calming, a clean smell that makes me inhale deeply. His arm slips under my head, cradling me against him and I feel his lips press down onto the top of my head.
I want to lose myself in Ryan, forget the day and anything that comes before or after it. I want to forget Elliot. At least that’s what I continually tell myself.
I press a few soft kisses to his chest and he lets out a low groan. His free hand slides down my body and cups my ass. Sliding out from underneath me, Ryan settles himself on top of me, the weight of his body somehow controlling my over stimulated mind. He begins to kiss his way down my neck before pulling the straps of my tank down.
“Make love to me,” I whisper, but it comes out detached. And when I close my eyes I see Elliot’s face.
I’m a horrible person. I hate myself for being in bed with Ryan but thinking about Elliot. I pull myself together before I lose it and start to cry.
I don’t know if I love Ryan, but maybe someday I will. He’s here with me, and he’s wonderful and kind and generous and maybe, just maybe he loves me.
I’ve sabotaged so many relationships in the past because of my obsession with finding Elliot and I don’t want to ruin what I have with Ryan. Even if in a few months or a few years it fizzles out and we both realize it wasn’t meant to be, I need to know I put forth the effort that keeps a relationship moving forward.
I pull his face to mine and kiss him gently, my tongue meeting his as he takes my face in his hands. His body resting against mine as he begins to move slowly and effortlessly, each movement caring but never saying what I need it to say.
I wake up the next morning with a flurry of anxiety pouring through my veins. I know it has been a crazy weekend and there is still more to come with Alice’s grand opening, I can’t seem to put my finger on what is causing me to feel this way.
I keep coming back to it being the thirteenth year that I would’ve been looking for Elliot and chalking it all up to that. It’s been something I’ve done for so long and finally ridding it from my life will just take some time.
Ryan rolls over and tugs my arm pulling me closer to him. “I love waking up next to you,” he says, his voice still hoarse with sleep. His hair is tousled and his lids still heavy as he looks down at me and presses a kiss to my forehead. There are plenty of girls who would want to wake up next to Ryan. He’s beautiful, almost too good-looking and there are many times I think I don’t deserve him. He’s quite perfect and I should be far more appreciative of what I have.
I like Ryan, but like I said, I’m not in love with him and that may be incredibly selfish of me to keep him around, but I feel like when I eventually move beyond all of this with Elliot, I could love Ryan. But asking him to wait is horrible of me, yet I can’t let go.
“I like waking up next to you, too,” I respond, trying my best to convince myself this is exactly what I want.
I wrap my arms around Ryan’s warm body as I feel myself begin to settle. There are days when I’m okay and despite waking up feeling shaky and worried, I feel like today I will devote myself to this relationship and making a future with Ryan.
“We have to get over to the studio and finish setting up,” I tell Ryan and he yawns before kissing me softly.
“Sounds good, pretty girl,” he says and his words make my heart flutter.
“Ryan?” I say and he looks down at me with a loose smile on his face and a look of contentment in his eyes. It calms me that he’s oblivious to my anxiety, that I don’t project it so openly. “Do you have any idea how wonderful you are?” I ask, my fingertip tracing his perfect lips.
“No, but I like when you tell me,” he says smirking coyly.
“Oh, do you?” I shoot back playfully pinching his side. “Well, Ryan, you are the most wonderful person in my life. Now don’t let it go to your head.”
“Too late. It already has. Now that I know you think that I can stop being on my best behavior.”
He quickly slips always from me and straddles my hips, pinning my arms above my head. I’m giggling like a schoolgirl as he buries his face in my neck and begins nipping and kissing.
/> “If this is your best behavior, I can’t wait to see your naughty side,” I giggle out and Ryan pulls back from me. His eyes are lustful and I feel something stir deep within my belly, a feeling that has stayed buried for far too long.
True and pure desire, a response to being wanted by this gorgeous man. I take Ryan’s face in my hands and pull his mouth to mine. The moment our lips touch, sparks ignite within me and I can’t stop myself. My tongue invades his mouth, desperate and needy.
Responding instantly to my touch, Ryan’s hand cups my breast and his hot warm mouth on my skin sends a burning sensation throughout my body. I feel like I’m on fire. His tongue and lips are slow and deliberate as he continues to taste me and swear I think I’m going to come from the intensity of it all.
I love the feeling of his warm skin, his smell, the way his mouth explores my body, right now I love everything about him, yet when I speak, I still feel like my words are laced with a lie.
“Ryan,” I moan, my voice raspy. “I need you.”
Without words, he enters me and his slow assault continues, leaving my chest heaving and breathing coming hard and fast.
There’s something about his slow, sensual movements that pushes me over the edge. He’s gentle and there’s a kindness to him that my body needs and responds to. My hips meet his and as he cradles my face in his hands, I can feel something between us change. This is different than all the other times we’ve had sex. It’s so much more than it has ever been and I realize that maybe I just needed to let him in to feel again.
Chapter Nineteen: Elliot
One Year Later
It’s been a year since Bridgitte’s accident and I’d like to say we resolved our issues, but that’s not exactly what happened. She stayed with me for a month while she recovered and there were times when things seemed completely normal. She’d cook dinner and we’d eat and talk about our day, we’d sleep in the same bed and have sex, but as much as I wanted things to be okay I knew they’d never go back to the way they were.