by Claire Raye
“What the hell is going on?” Matt asks and I know as soon as I tell him he’s going to have the same response he’s had for the last few weeks. Since telling him about finding Nora but leaving without saying a word to her, he thinks I’m a fucking idiot.
“It turns out that the hotel I’m staying at is the same fucking hotel Nora stayed at when she was looking for me—” I don’t even get a chance to finish my thought before Matt starts talking.
“This shit again? Dude, this has got to fucking end,” Matt says and Maggie nods her head in agreement. I’m sure everyone is sick of my bullshit and there’s going to come a point when I’ve alienated my friends because of this.
“I know and it’s going to. I’m going to meet her and end all of this. But this time I’m going about it differently. I’m not just going to show up and say surprise!”
I have to think about this a little more rationally, because right now I feel exactly like I did the last time and I want to just show up on her doorstep. I know she’s in a relationship, and the fact that I don’t want to upset her, I need to have a plan this time.
“What are you going to do?” Maggie asks, but she seems more intrigued than annoyed. She’s had less involvement in this than Matt and she’s always been more interested in the romantic side of it.
“I’m not sure just yet, but I’ll figure it out.”
Maggie lets out a long sigh and runs her hands over her face before saying, “I think you should find a way to surprise her. It’s obvious she’s spent the last twelve years looking for you. Regardless of the fact that she’s in a relationship now, I think she’d want to know you’ve been looking for her too and I think giving her the option of meeting you is a bad idea. Find a way to do it without just showing up at her house.”
I agree with Maggie and we let the conversation drop there. Maggie heads off to bed while Matt and I stay up having a few more beers and talking about everything but Nora. As the night draws to a close I decide to stay with Matt and Maggie instead of driving back to the hotel. I grab my things from the car and crash in their extra bedroom.
Before turning out the light I pull Nora’s book from my bag. I’ve kept it with me ever since Bridgitte gave it to me, but I have yet to read it. So that’s what I do, I start reading the book, hoping it helps me make a decision. Between my dad and Maggie, I’m leaning heavily toward seeking her out once again.
I’ve spent the majority of the night up reading, and while only the beginning of the story is our story, the rest is Nora’s. If what she’s written is true, she’s spent the last twelve years looking for me, and now I feel like I failed her. I should’ve found her already. She shouldn’t have suffered for twelve years trying to find me. And with everything I’ve read and everything I’ve done, I’ve been so fucking close too many times. I showed up at her father’s house, she went to the beach every year on the anniversary of when we met, and now the same damn hotel. What if we crossed paths on the beach and never knew it, but it wasn’t like I went exactly on the anniversary every year. Sometimes it was earlier, sometimes it was later; it just depended on my schedule. I always felt it was a long shot, but I did it every year with that false sense of hope I would eventually find her. And to now know she was doing the same thing.
I have to tell her all her efforts were not a waste of time, that I was doing the same thing, too.
I finally fall asleep around four a.m. only to wake about three hours later when I hear Matt and Maggie moving throughout the house. I grab my phone from the nightstand, the time glowing seven-fifteen and while I have no place to be, I decide to get up.
I pull up my email on my phone as I’m getting ready to shower and while I’m off work, I just can’t let emails go unanswered. It’s just become part of my routine. I scroll through and sort the most important ones and that’s when I nearly scroll past the email I’ve been waiting weeks for.
When I first found Nora I sent an email to her publisher and her agent hoping to hear back, but as the days went by, my email went unanswered, but today I received a response.
Elliot,
Thank you for your interest in Miss Mills recent work, and while I am intrigued by your email, you have to understand we’ve received a number of messages from people claiming to be the man from her book. If you are interested in meeting her or would like a signed copy of her book she will be holding a meet and greet and a book signing at Anderson’s Book Shop in Brooklyn on Sunday at seven p.m. And again thank you for your interest.
Sara Waters
Brooklyn Publishing
It’s now Wednesday and I’m off for the rest of the week, set to leave San Diego on Friday. This would give me the perfect opportunity to meet her without surprising her at her house or catching her off guard. I’ll need to change my flight, instead of flying home to Chicago, I’ll fly to NYC and meet Nora at her book signing.
I quickly throw on some clothes and fling open the bedroom door. Maggie is coming down the hallway as I announce, “I’m going to New York to see Nora!” Maggie laughs out loud before throwing her arms around my neck in a huge hug.
“I’m so happy,” she says, smiling as she pulls away from me. “You need this.” She hugs me again as Matt comes down the hallway and mutters, “Oh for fuck’s sake.”
Maggie and I laugh and I shake my head at him. He just doesn’t get it.
Chapter Twenty-Four: Nora
The weeks float by slowly and Ryan and I fall into a routine that has some semblance of normalcy. Dinners with Alice and James, drinks with his friends, meeting up after work and spending the evenings together. And while things feel normal, there is still some disconnect on my part. It isn’t like I’m unhappy… I’m just even. But I told Ryan I would give this relationship a fair shot and that’s what I intend to do.
I’m sitting on the couch with my laptop next to me when Ryan walks in the door. Loosening his tie, he lets out an exhausted sigh of relief.
“Thank fuck this week is over,” he says on the exhale and I nod my head knowing he’s had a terrible week. His hair is disheveled as he scrubs his hands over his face.
We’ve hardly seen each other this week and this weekend isn’t going to get any better. I have my first book signing on Sunday and he’s leaving for a business trip to the west coast Saturday evening. I’m prepared to spend tonight and all day Saturday with him and right now, I’m excited to see him. Being away from him for a week has made me appreciate what we have and it made me realize that being around him does make me feel some sort of pull that makes me want to be near him.
“I’m starving,” Ryan says as he unbuttons his dress shirt and shrugs out of it. He’s standing in front of me in his slim fit suit pants and his white t-shirt and he definitely looks hot. Messy businessman looks good on him. “You wanna get something to eat?”
I laugh and point to the sweatshirt I’m wearing. Ryan shakes his head with a teasing smile on his face, he responds, “You’re pretty. Now let’s go eat.”
“Feed me and tell me I’m pretty,” I say, quoting what my sweatshirt says and laughing at him as I take his outstretched hand. “You did it in the wrong order.”
When my hand is in his, Ryan pulls me from the couch and I find myself flush against his chest with his hands roaming toward my ass.
“I missed you,” he murmurs into my ear and the feeling of his warm breath against my skin makes goose bumps form and I press into him even more.
“I missed you too,” I say, my lips finding his.
Ryan’s hands slip under my sweatshirt and trail along my bare skin and with each touch of his fingers, my body begins to crave him. I want to be close to him, I want to feel his skin against mine. I want to feel what it feels like to be wanted by someone. But as much as I want this, my thoughts still linger on Elliot. Even if for just a fleeting second he crosses my mind, it still happens.
Ryan growls against my mouth and pushes me away slightly. “You make this impossible,” he says, frustrated. “I’m starving. Let’
s eat fast so I can get you home and naked.”
Laughing, I leave him standing in the living room so I can go change my clothes. A few seconds later Ryan joins me in the bedroom, stripping off his pants and pulling on a pair of jeans that are lying on my bedroom floor.
He stops and takes me in as I messily pull my hair back into a ponytail. I can feel his eyes on me and I can see the idea of desire form on his face.
“I thought you were starving?” I ask as I stalk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist.
“It can wait. Right now, I need you more than food,” he says, his voice deep and sexy. I can’t turn him away, but as much as I find myself attracted to him, I still have this sense of betrayal each time I sleep with Ryan. It’s almost a betrayal on both ends. Thoughts of Elliot cloud my mind, while I’m with Ryan. But when I think about Elliot, I hate myself because I have Ryan here with me and something about it all feels wrong. I’m torn.
An hour later, Ryan and I are sitting on my couch watching a movie with a pizza box on the coffee table. We opted to stay in after our little romp in the sack and have spent a quiet evening together.
“When’s your flight leave tomorrow?” I ask as I shift so I’m leaning against Ryan. He moves so his arm is around my shoulders and he presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“Six,” he says. “So I’ll need to head to the airport around four.”
“Can I ride over with you?” I ask, wanting to see him off at the airport. Something I’ve never done before, but feel the need to do this time for some reason.
“Of course. I’d love it if you did.”
I let out a long breath, finally feeling like I can give him something more in return. He’s the one who gives in this relationship and I want to be able to reciprocate, but I feel like I’m constantly hiding something from him, lying to him because he still doesn’t know the story behind my book or Elliot.
“Hey, Ryan?” I say and he absentmindedly answers me with a quick, “huh”, his eyes glued to the television. “I want to tell you about what happened with Elliot and why I still struggle with it.”
Ryan sits up, shifting away from me, and I now have his attention. I’m not sure why I suddenly feel the need to share this story with him after all this time, but I think it might help both of us to hear it. While Ryan knows I wrote the book about my time with Elliot, he never read it and I never expected him to.
“Okay,” he says, but I can hear the uneasiness in his voice. All he knows at this point is for the last eight months he’s been competing with someone who doesn’t really exist, except for in my memory.
“I met Elliot when I was eighteen. It was about a year after my mom had died. Alice’s life was a mess and my dad sent me out to San Diego to help Alice get her shit together.” I derail from the story for a few seconds when I see Ryan widen his eyes.
“I know it doesn’t look like it now, but Alice was always a shit ass mess. Up until a year ago she couldn’t get her shit together for anything. But that’s beside the point.”
I’m rambling because I’m nervous. The problem with all of this is I’m still not certain why I continued searching for Elliot for twelve years. Trying to explain to someone about your situation when you don’t even understand it yourself is difficult.
“So Alice was living in San Diego and pretty much doing nothing. We went to a party and she left me there and that’s how I met Elliot. We started talking and by the time the next morning came, I found myself falling in love with him.”
I see Ryan clench his jaw and he folds his arms across his chest. I can see the annoyance in his eyes as I continue speaking.
His response is flat and his voice even when he asks, “How could you fall in love with someone you just met?” The tone in his voice screams he doesn’t understand how I could be so naïve and why Elliot is different from him.
“I don’t know. There was something between us that was far stronger than I had ever felt.” I choose my words wisely, trying to make Ryan see that what I felt is in the past. Admitting out loud that I still harbor feelings for Elliot makes sitting here with Ryan seem disingenuous. So I’ll lie to myself and I’ll lie to Ryan. “For a long time I felt an overwhelming need to find him, to see if what I felt was real.”
“It’s hard to compete with that,” Ryan says coldly.
“I’m not asking you to compete with him,” I respond, realizing maybe it was a bad idea to share all of this with him. It might have been better left unsaid with him wondering about it. But then again, I feel like that’s when most people jump to conclusions and worst-case scenarios. I want Ryan to know he’s more important than any memory I have, but it surely isn’t coming across that way.
“You might not be directly saying that, but everything up until this point has said it.” Ryan looks away from me and runs his hand through his hair. “Listen, Nora. I like you, but I can’t keep doing this with you.”
“I know,” I say interrupting him immediately. But he doesn’t let me speak, not that I have any idea how I should defend myself.
“Nora, I’m going home and I’m leaving tomorrow. I went into this knowing there was someone else and I thought I could deal with it, but recently it’s become an issue for both of us. We both need to figure out if this is what we really want.”
I can feel myself getting choked up. I don’t want to hurt Ryan, but I can see I am. I’m struggling to figure out if what I’m feeling is guilt for treating him so poorly or true feelings for Ryan.
“Ryan, please,” I plead as he gets up and heads toward the door. “Don’t leave like this. Let me explain,” I say, yet realizing the more I talk the more I’m digging myself into a hole.
“Nora, I’m going to say something I regret and I don’t want to do that. We need some space. I need some space.”
“Ryan, it isn’t about Elliot anymore. Can’t you see that? That’s why I wanted to tell you—”
Ryan cuts me short before I can continue. “That’s the problem, Nora. It is about Elliot. It has always been about Elliot. It’s you who likes to think it isn’t and it doesn’t matter how many times you say it, you’re not convincing anyone, including yourself.”
His words stop me dead. My voice is gone and any thought of correcting this is now gone too. I can deny it, I can hide it from myself, but in the end, it always comes back to Elliot. The only person I’m lying to is myself, but with each lie, with each denial of my feelings, I’m pushing Ryan further away.
“Bye, Nora,” he says, his voice detached and emotionless. His eyes linger on me for a few seconds before he opens the door and leaves.
I do nothing to stop him.
I hate myself for what I’ve become, for what I’ve done to Ryan and the way I’ve lived my life as if some miracle is going to happen and I’ll live happily ever after.
I stand staring at the door wondering if I just fucked up a perfectly good thing I had going with Ryan. If I’m being honest with myself, I know I did.
Falling back onto the couch, I reach for my phone and call Alice. I know I’m not going to get any sympathy from her, but I at least need to try to sort out all these feelings I have clouding my brain and making everything around me seem hazy.
“Hey, Nora,” Alice says before I can greet her.
“Ryan just left and I think he broke up with me,” I say without acknowledging her.
There’s silence on the other end and then Alice lets out a long sigh.
“Nora,” she starts and then pauses again.
“Can you at least say something?” I ask, frustrated with myself and taking it out on Alice.
“What did you expect to happen?” she asks and it’s like a knife in my stomach. No one likes to be told they’ve screwed up, but I clearly need to hear it.
I keep making the same mistakes, but I’ve done nothing to rectify the problem.
I’m the problem.
“I don’t know,” I say, but this is exactly what I expected to happen. Subconsciously I push people away.
If I don’t let them get too close, I won’t get hurt. I won’t forget.
I won’t forget Elliot.
I worry that he’ll be replaced if I allow someone else into my life. But the question is, why am I still holding on so tightly to something that exists only in my memory?
“If this is what you want, then make it right,” Alice states simply.
“What if it’s not what I want?” I ask, not only posing the question to Alice but to myself, too.
“Then let him know. You can’t keep stringing him along.”
She’s right, but I’m torn. This idealized version of a romance is what I have built up in my head and I know it isn’t reality, yet I can’t let it go. I don’t know why I’m looking to be swept off my feet and feel overwhelmed by love.
“I want to be with him, but there’s something wrong with me, Alice. I can’t get over Elliot and it’s ruining my life.” I sound desperate and whiny and that’s not how I want to come across, but by now I’m over trying to figure out what’s fucking with my head.
“End it now, Nora. This isn’t what you want. I’ve put off telling you what to do because I assumed you’d come to the realization on your own, but clearly I was wrong.” I can hear the annoyance in Alice’s tone. Not only have I been stringing Ryan along, Alice has had to deal with my constant whining for the last few months.
“And,” she says, her tone softening a little, “I’ve been where you are, Nora and I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. It sucks. Don’t settle. Don’t sell yourself short and definitely don’t stay with Ryan because you’re scared.”
“I gotta go,” I tell her and I hear her exhale hard into the phone. “Settle down. I’m going to tell Ryan it’s over. You’re right.”
“Oh my fucking god. All it took was me yelling at you to get your shit together?”