Chapter 12
“I had the dream again,” John sighed running his hands through his hair. He looked up, with tired eyes to his therapists desperate for answers. He needed some resolution – any solution would do. He was tired of fighting his mind and his conscience.
“When did these dreams start becoming more frequent? Since you learned Jesse knew of your daughter, Chastity, or your wife’s pregnancy?” Leo asked leaning into his black leather chair. He picked his pen up and pointed it, ready to write on his little yellow pad.
“At first they returned after I learned about my brother’s knowledge of Chastity. Then they started becoming more frequent after Andie got pregnant.” He stopped and quietly smiled at Leo. “We found out it’s a girl the other day.”
“Congratulations!” Leo exclaimed. “Now that’s something to celebrate.”
“Thanks.” John’s face slowly broke into a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Then, why don’t I feel like celebrating? I should be happier.”
“Maybe you feel guilty for having any happiness to celebrate when you can’t shake your guilt.”
John pursed his lips and nodded in agreement.
“John, have the letters you wrote to Chastity not helped you release any emotional baggage? Have they not helped you see more clearly on why you made the choices you did?”
“Yes,” John sighed, “but I won’t have any resolution from them until I have contact with my daughter. I don’t even have a right to call her that. Not after what I did to her mother.”
“Are you talking about the rape?”
“Yes … that.”
“You’re a changed man, John.”
“But she doesn’t know that … heck not even my own brother knows that. And my dad … with the Alzheimer’s… he’ll never know it. He’ll always know me as the screwed up kid he had to bail out from all the wrong choices I made.”
“John, don’t martyr yourself. There’s nothing you can do about your dad. You can’t control that so you must not focus on what you can’t control. Remember this was part of your anger issues growing up.”
John quickly nodded and leaned back into the couch. There wasn’t much to argue there.
“But,” Leo continued, “there is something you can do about your brother and your daughter. Your wife and new baby … you’ve got a fresh start with them. So remember not to take them for granted through this process, but if it’s worth it to you to prove yourself to face redemption to the rest of your family … you must continue to try. Make contact, continue communication, and don’t expect them to open their arms to you. Just be ready to open your arms and for whatever you get in return.”
Leo saw John look up with regret, and wondered when he’d let himself be forgiven. “Did group therapy not prove anything to you John? That you’re different.”
John closed his eyes and cocked his head, giving a slight concession. Yes, group therapy had been an eye opener. It consisted of a room full of offenders, rapists and abusers. At first he sat in judgment of them all.
He looked around the seedy group, and he felt disgusted. After all he was nothing like them. He remembered thinking the lot of them should all be thrown in jail and locked up for life or worse, but then his conscience started attacking him telling him the obvious.
You did it John. You raped a woman. Just like the young thug sitting next to you, who seems to show no remorse.
One session was enough for John to call his therapist the next day, and ask for solo appointments only. He wasn’t ready to sit next to what he could have turned into if he’d listened to any more impulses that he’d had the night he’d hurt Kylie.
Leo wanted him to see the obvious difference between himself, a man who voluntarily chose treatment to work through his one mistake, and the others, who had been arrested and forced to attend state sessions. Leo wanted him to see that although what John did was wrong, there was a difference in his soul and heart from a man who had no conscience.
Chapter 13
John’s first few sessions didn’t do much to scratch the surface. He had so many layers that it took months to peel them back one by one. His counselor helped him see many things about himself that directly resulted from childhood. It was an eye opener for him in many ways as he recognized things that he never understood until Leo pointed them out. After each session, mentally and physically he would leave exhausted, ready for a weeklong nap.
Upon starting his first week he was ready to quit, but he was encouraged by Andie to keep at it. To be honest, John didn’t know what he would do without her. Their relationship started on a friendly level, with only platonic companionship. They talked on the phone in the evenings, and met for lunch to discuss the simple things in life.
It was something he’d never experienced with a woman before; a true friendship with no strings or sex involved. He really tried hard to leave it that way, but her beautiful spirit and heart - were equally matched by a beautiful outside. Her short blonde hair and dark brown eyes left him in a permanent state of flux.
At first, John was afraid to admit his growing attraction to Andie, primarily because he was afraid to lose his source of moral support - but also because he was afraid she wouldn’t return the sentiment. But soon it became apparent to both of them that they worked, clicked, and belonged together.
John would never forget her kindness the night he met her. It was the same night Jesse had called him, to announce his arrival in town. Jesse asked him to meet at a local bar in Washington D.C.
John chose to sit toward the back of the restaurant, so that he’d see his brother when he came in. He and Jesse had never been on good terms… and hadn’t been since they were kids, so the inspired ‘in town and want to meet’ he’d left on John’s voicemail left him suspicious of his brother’s motives.
It was that night that Jesse would pull the rug right out from underneath him with news that Jesse knew of Chastity’s location.
John never saw Jesse come in, and was surprised from behind. Jesse clearly arrived early to watch his little brother squirm in anticipation of his arrival. Once Jesse had accomplished his ambush, he delivered John another blow with news that he knew all of John’s dirty laundry.
“I found the file on the Wayne's. Kylie and her daughter, Chastity?”
John remembered his feeble attempt at a lie, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
“Yes, you do.” Jesse firmly responded. “Now I know why you were shipped off to military school, and I know what you did to Kylie.” He watched his little brother squirm before going on. “Did you know she passed away recently?”
“Kylie?” John asked in a low voice. He knew at that moment he’d never be able to make it up to Kylie, the woman he’d beat himself up over for all these years. The woman he broke … no, shattered … and wanted to fix.
Jesse waited for John’s reaction, and must have gotten what he was looking for, because he almost smiled before finishing up. Jesse’s ice-cold glare sent chills down John’s spine, so much so that John was almost happy to see the approaching waitress.
“Drinks gentleman?” The waitress asked as she set cocktail napkins on the table. Jesse dropped money in John’s lap and before leaving him with words he would never forget.
“Oh, and I know who and where you daughter is. Only you're to stay away from her. Do you understand? You've done enough.”
Jesse smiled warmly at the waitress, giving her usual Mikale charm, “No thanks. I'm leaving, but he'll need a big one.” He nodded toward John and threw a hundred dollar bill on the table.
“This ones on me little brother,” he said roughly before making his departure.
There were two struggles inside John that battled that night. One part of him wanted to follow his big brother, and throttle the information out of him. The other side, knowing it would only give Jesse satisfaction that he got under John’s skin, told him to stay put and wait for the right time to approach the family. This second voice was the vo
ice of reason, which also told him drinking would cure it all for right now…lots and lots of drinking.
From across the room, Andie could see the range of emotions contorting such a handsome face. She witnessed these two men, who appeared like family, but who were obviously estranged, have a short and heated discussion before the larger of the two threw some money down and leave.
Andie Mills sat at the bar with a friend, pretending not to witness the whole transgression. This wasn’t her problem or her issue to fix, but it wasn’t too hard to figure out this man wasn’t going to leave before he drank himself into the ground.
She tried not to interfere. She tried not to help, but she couldn’t help it. She was a classic enabler, a self aware one, but an enabler just the same.
At least if I’m going to interfere, I’m walking over there knowing I should stay away. After all, it’s not my problem. I shouldn’t …
Andie waited until his third crown and coke on the rocks turned into his fourth drink, before she said good night to her friend and walked over to his table.
“You know this won’t get you anywhere but on your b …” she started before he cut her off.
“Is that the best pick up line you’ve got?” John looked up with a sexy grin.
She laughed in retort. “No, just take it from someone who knows. If you keep this up, you’re headed for a lot more hurt than you’re trying to kill.”
“Lady,” John said and leaned back to take her in from head to toe. “You don’t wanna know the kind of hurt I know.” John was trying to intimidate her. It didn’t work.
“The names Andrea – Andie for short. And you’re right I don’t, but it doesn’t mean that I haven’t seen it all before. All I was saying was,” she stopped and sighed. “Look, when you realize the drinking won’t help ease the hurt, I know someone who can help.”
She dropped a business card on the table, and turned to leave.
“Thanks,” John said quietly before putting it in his pocket. He was too drunk to read what it said or to notice her name and number written on the backside.
Andie left shaking her head, and beating herself for trying, when she knew better.
Chapter 14
1985
Washburn Air Force Academy
“You ready rich boy?” Matt challenged him, before they both started laughing.
“If you’re ready to eat my dust!” John retorted.
After the second year into his academy training, John had turned a huge corner. He was at the top of his class, and his background didn’t seem to matter anymore. He was no longer the kid whose dad got him into school – but the guy everyone had to beat.
His best friend, Matt, who was part of his initial hazing, finally befriended him after seeing that the so-called ‘rich boy’ had some grit. John had earned his respect, and from him John learned how to be a great cadet.
Every afternoon, after classes they would run the ropes courses challenging one another for the best time.
So far Matt had beaten him twice that afternoon, but only because John let him have the advantage. By their third time through, John easily pulled ahead taking the clear lead. He scaled the rock wall, descended down the rope, and ran through the nets.
After exiting he jumped to the last rope, and swiftly flew across the sand pit. From there it was clear John had the advantage, and he ran to the finish without breaking a sweat leaving Matt a solid minute to catch up.
John stood smiling as his friend struggled to finish without shame.
“What?” John shouted out with his arms out wide. “You want a piece of this?”
Matt slowed as he jogged past him, and shoved him aside.
“You bastard! You were playing me today, letting me win. How long have you been practicing in order to gain that kind of lead?”
John smugly smiled in return and shrugged his shoulders. Jogging backwards, he teased, “I guess you’ll have to start practicing to catch up now.”
“Beat you back to the showers. First one ready buy drinks tonight!”
“Deal.” John said as he took off again.
Within an hour, both were sitting drink in hand, admiring the local beauties trolling for a pick up.
“How many townies have you seduced Mikale?’
John took a long swig of his beer. “Me?” he questioned. He shook his head and finished swallowing his drink. “None.”
“Not a one?” Matt said incredulously. “I can’t believe that. Not with how many hang all over us when we’re out. A military man is a hot commodity in these parts.”
“Maybe so, but I’ve been striving for that whole military discipline thing if you haven’t noticed.”
“What? Some woman hurt you so bad that you have no balls left?” Matt laughed.
John frowned. “Something like that.”
“Aw man, you know the easiest way to get over a woman is to get under another one, right?”
John laughed at his friend. “Whatever. Shut up and drink.” He set his empty beer down, nodding to the bartender for another.
“I’ll get that.”
A perfectly manicured hand slid a ten-dollar bill toward the bartender.
“Well thank you ma’am,” John smiled.
“No thank you. It’s not often a woman like me gets to buy a boy a drink.”
“Boy? Who you calling boy?” Matt interjected on John’s behalf.
“Are you two even old enough to be in here?” Her red lips parted in a wide smile, showing slightly yellowed teeth. She pulled out a cigarette from her purse to light up.
“Of course,” John replied, standing up to offer his seat to her.
“Oh you don’t need to do that, but I’ll take it.” She smiled.
Matt, spotting his chance, quickly started talking to the dragon lady, while John scanned the room. Yes, there certainly was plenty of fresh meat to pick from in a place like this, but he’d promised himself to never take advantage again. And if he were to, it certainly wouldn’t be with a woman like the one behind him, who was puffing on a stick trying to get his attention. He’d let Matt take her if he wanted her.
John was more interested in a game of pool than he was getting laid tonight. He checked his wallet for cash, and walked to the game room for a friendly game.
“Hey Mikale! Where you off to?” Matt hollered across the bar.
“I’ll be around. Catch up with me before you leave. I’ll still drive you back.” John yelled across the crowd.
As John turned the corner, he bumped right into a local college girl exiting the bathroom. Her beer spilled all over the both of them.
“Oops. Sorry,” she giggled, and wiped off her shirt.
“Oh man. All over my nice shirt too.” He teased with a grin.
Thinking he was serious, she started brushing his chest with a napkin. Just being touched for the first time in a few months like that had him thinking things he shouldn’t have.
“No really.” He gently pushed her hands away. “I was just kidding.”
“Oh.” She looked up at him with the most innocent eyes. “So you don’t want me touching you then?” It was her time to tease this time.
Oh man. John was in trouble. “Um, no … that’s not what I meant.”
Not sure of the rules, John decided to tread lightly. He promised he wouldn’t take advantage of anyone again. He didn’t promise to never have sex again. The two were completely different. Maybe Matt would have to find his own way home tonight.
Chapter 15
Timothy must have sat there for at least an hour debating on when to call his mother. It was time to ask her for his grandmother’s diamond, and he expected that she’d respond one of two ways. She would both scream in excitement, and start planning a wedding before Chastity even accepted, or she’d be crushed that her ‘little boy’ was getting ready to promise himself to another woman.
Although he desperately loved his mother, he wasn’t always able to talk with her very easily. She often went off on tangents
and left him wishing he’d gotten her voicemail.
Laughing to himself at the thought, he finally lifted his office phone from the cradle.
A soft knock sounded at his door.
“Come in,” he replied with phone in hand.
Janie his assistant popped her head in. “I just wanted to remind you that your two o’clock is running a little late.”
“Janie, you never cease to amaze me.” Timothy shook his head and smiled at her. “With all this technology of IM’s or intercoms, you always give me such personal attention. That’s why I’ve got the best office assistant a guy could have.”
“Yeah, that’s me. Good old reliable Janie.” She said with a sigh, and sheepishly retracted. If only I had a shot with a guy like him.
Janie had been his office assistant since the day Timothy and his law partner started up their practice six years ago, and Timothy knew how blessed he was to have such amazing help.
“Hey, will you shut the door on your way out?” Timothy asked with phone in hand.
Janie nodded, shut the door, and made her way back to her desk. Her hand hovered a few seconds before finally hitting her intercom button. She hit mute so that she could listen.
Timothy’s law partner, Scott, walked up from behind and quietly leaned in to whisper in her ear.
“What you listening to?”
“Oh!” Janie screamed and hit the off button. “How dare you sneak up on me like that Scott!”
“Really?” Scott rounded his way to the front of her chair and sat on the corner of her desk. He leaned over to look through Timothy’s office window. “Cause from where I sit, I’d say I wasn’t doing anything sneaky – you were.”
Janie felt like slapping off the grin he was wearing.
“You know he’s going to ask her to marry him, don’t you?” Scott smugly asked.
Facing Redemption Page 6