by Jenna Kernan
“Oh…oh, I see.”
Garrett did, too, as relief came to Spencer’s face. Something twisted inside. Garrett drew in a slow, steady breath.
“But…surely you are staying for the party?” Andrew asked.
“No. I just came by to drop off a few things.”
“Then will you save me a dance at your family’s annual New Year’s party?”
“I’m afraid I won’t be there. Merry Christmas, Andrew.” She smiled apologetically and then slipped through the doors and headed toward the back.
Garrett nodded to Mr. Spencer and followed Kathleen as an ominous, sinking sensation flooded through him. He’d recognized that feeling in his gut—jealousy. He didn’t want to feel that way again. He’d told himself it was about looking out for her. About looking out for Lily. All this was for Josh—because Josh couldn’t be there.
Ten steps from the judge’s back door, the words burst from him. “How well do you know Spencer?”
“What do you mean?”
“He didn’t even realize that you were a Sheridan. How the heck did your father introduce you once Lily came along? The Widow Kathleen?”
The shock on her face should have warned him. He should shut up but instead he barreled on. “What is it about the name that you hate? Or is it the family? My brother wasn’t perfect, but it is a decent name and respected around these parts. It’s a good name for Lily. Makes me wonder what my niece will think of her pa’s side of the family when she’s grown. She doesn’t even know us.”
“Garrett!” Her voice shook. “You’re not being fair! You have no right to judge me for the past five years. You weren’t there. You don’t know what I went through. Besides, sometimes I get the feeling that it’s you that has the secrets.”
That stopped him cold. Had she learned about Sadie? About the fight? At Molly’s front door he splayed his hand on the wood, barring her entry. “What have you heard?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s because there is nothing.”
“Fine. Then let me go inside.”
His face was inches from hers. So close he could feel her soft breath on his skin. So close he could… He shook his head to loosen the cord of tension that pulled him closer. He…had to…protect her, and this was not the way.
Her eyes were wide with confusion.
Abruptly, he spun around and strode away. It had been five years and nothing had changed. He’d told himself that this was all about Lily and about setting things right with his brother’s memory. But it wasn’t. He still cared too much, still wanted Kathleen for himself with a need so intense that it choked him.
But it could never be. Not when he’d made her a widow by his own hand.
* * *
Kathleen entered Molly’s house and closed the door. She leaned against it, her heart racing.
What had just happened? They’d been arguing and then suddenly everything had changed. She’d thought…he might kiss her the way he’d been looking so steadily at her. But no. It had to have been her imagination. He’d never cared that way for her before. Josh had even said so. Garrett had never felt anything for her at all.
His accusations ricocheted through her head. He had a right to his anger. She had gone along with her parents’ constant refusal to speak of anything pertaining to the Sheridans. She’d been weak. And they’d used that weakness. How many subtle jabs and stinging comments about Lily’s heritage had she let slide by? They’d never wanted the marriage and did their best to drive out any goodness that came from it. It just happened that Lily was the best part. Lily—being a Sheridan—never measured up. Just as Kathleen had never measured up for marrying one.
Garrett would never understand. How could he? He was so strong. Even Josh had been unable to live in his shadow. But she had to explain things to him once they both calmed down. He’d been there for her, for Lily, these past weeks. Family meant something entirely different to Garrett than what it meant to her. She understood that now. Not all families were like hers.
But he was so angry. She’d never seen him lose his temper before. Josh had plenty of times, but never quiet, steady Garrett. It unnerved her. Would he ever give her the chance to explain?
Chapter Six
Four days later Kathleen stood, hands on hips, as she looked out the front window at Garrett reining in two horses harnessed to a flatbed wagon.
Molly pulled the rocking chair closer to the fireplace to make room for the pine that would soon go in the corner. “Lily deserves a Christmas tree and for that matter, so do I. I haven’t had one since Beaudry’s passing.”
Kathleen sighed, wishing there was some other way. Garrett hadn’t come around since their argument. This entire outing would be uncomfortable. Lily, however, seemed ecstatic about a chance to choose her own tree. She stood on tiptoe, watching Garrett stride up the path to the house.
Lily had peppered her with questions ever since Barbara Sheridan’s visit. Kathleen had finally explained that side of her daughter’s family. “Get your coat. Your Uncle Garrett is here.”
Molly let him in. He dwarfed the entryway, standing there in his leather duster, a dark silhouette against the bright sunlight behind him. He tipped his hat. No smile. Just serious, as though he didn’t want to be here, either. “I’ll wait by the wagon.”
Before he could turn to step outside, Lily dashed into the room and Kathleen helped her slip into her coat and mittens. She tugged on a red knit hat and tied it securely under her daughter’s chin. Garrett watched her ministrations, but when she looked up, he quickly spun on his heel and left.
“Come on, Mama!” Lily skipped down the path after Garrett.
Kathleen had nothing to do but grab her cloak and hurry after them.
“Choose a good tree, now, Lily!” Molly called from the doorway.
Garrett stopped at the wagon and swung Lily up to deposit her on the seat in one smooth arc. Then, avoiding her gaze and as if she weighed no more than her daughter, followed through and did the same with Kathleen. She was left a little breathless.
He walked around to the other side of the wagon and climbed up. Reaching behind the seat, he dragged up a heavy blanket, spread half over Lily’s lap and offered Kathleen the other corner. “The best trees are on the east edge of our property. Won’t take long to find a good one, depending on how choosy Miss Lily here is.”
Her daughter giggled. He’d already won her over and he hadn’t said more than two sentences to her.
Well, she wasn’t her daughter, nor was she so easy to win over. “Garrett…we should talk.”
He indicated Lily with a tilt of his head. “It’ll keep.”
“But—”
“Relax, Kathleen. Let’s enjoy the afternoon.” He flicked the reins and the horses started off at a slow trot, the sleigh bells attached to their harnesses clanging merrily. “How are things at the bakery?”
She pressed her lips together, frustrated. Two could play at this game. “Busy. Too busy for Sue alone. And the ranch? How are things there?”
He kept his eyes on the road ahead, but a quick grin flashed across his face. It made her pause, that grin—the first she’d seen from him in years. Intriguing how it transformed him. He was handsome—no denying that. Odd that he hadn’t married by now.
He talked of easy things—people they knew, the changes in the area. She almost felt as if their recent argument hadn’t happened. It wasn’t long before she started to relax just as he’d urged. The wagon jostled and creaked. The air was crisp and cold, and the sun’s pale warmth seeped into her skin. The scent of pine enveloped her.
When they stopped in a grove of giant oak trees, Lily noticed some tracks in the snow and Garrett hunkered down beside her. He knew them all—coyote, blue jay, chipmunk, rabbit, even cougar. Seeing them together, shoulder to shoulder, Kathleen wondered if Josh would have been as patient explaining things. He’d been all about the quick and easiest way to get something done. Oh, he’d have brought Lily out to find a nice tree, but h
e’d never make the outing more than that. With that thought came a large dose of guilt. It wasn’t right to be thinking of Josh that way…comparing him to Garrett. He’d done the best he could considering he hadn’t really loved her—or she him. Things had happened so fast—the courtship, the wedding, the funeral and Lily—that it had taken her a while to realize that. Looking back, they’d both tried to make it work for the short time they had.
“Did you and Josh pick out a tree each year?” she asked.
“We’d take turns, but Pa had the final say. One year I tagged the tree I wanted a few weeks early. Josh snuck out, cut it down and dragged it to that ravine. He gave some long-winded tale about seeing some townies with a tree earlier in the week.”
“All that just so that you couldn’t have the one you wanted?”
“Yep. Just to rile me.”
“Did it work?”
Garrett chuckled. “Yeah. I was pretty sore. He didn’t own up to it until much later.”
“How old was he?”
“Josh was thirteen. Seemed like we were always competing about one thing or another. When we were little it was all about who could run faster. Then who could rope and tie the fastest—first with sheep, and then later with calves.”
“You were so much older. How could he ever win?”
“He didn’t very often. When we were little, he’d get so frustrated that sometimes I’d lose on purpose. If he found out he wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. As we got older, I spent more time on the ranch and he spent more and more time in town. Made it easier, but didn’t change things much. We both still vied for the better horse, the better rifle…the better girl. Guess it made it all the sweeter for him when he did best me.”
She smiled up at him, but he didn’t return it. He studied her face instead, his brow furrowed. His gaze carried a distant look as though he wasn’t really seeing her but looking back and remembering.
She tugged his coat sleeve, wanting to draw him from his pensive mood. “Time to find that tree.”
The first one that Lily picked out was twenty feet high. Eventually, Kathleen talked her down to one that would fit inside Molly’s house. The branches were lopsided and slightly bare on one side, but Lily was proud of it.
Garrett retrieved the ax from the wagon bed and chopped down the tree. By the time he was finished, a light sheen of sweat coated his face and neck. She helped him load it onto the wagon and secure it with ropes. Glancing over the tethered branches, she caught him watching her.
A slow, warm smile—just for her—spread across his face. Quiet, competent, steady. What would it have been like if she’d married him instead of his brother? If he had returned her affection after that first kiss? Instinctively she knew that he wouldn’t have left her, pregnant and unsure, to go off with friends to the saloon. It was silly to wonder…it was all in the past now and nothing could change it. Besides, Josh was the one who had come courting and had left the book of sonnets.
“Ready?” He’d walked around the wagon during her musings and now stood close, prepared to help her onto the high seat. She could see the scar on his chin through the stubble of new whiskers. So close she could see the softness of his lips.
“Garrett? About the other day. I need to explain—”
“You don’t.” He seemed to consider his words before going on. “I shouldn’t have said anything. You don’t owe me an explanation or an apology. There are things…” His voice trailed off as his gaze slid to her mouth.
“What things?” she prompted. Something thrummed between them. Something warm and sweet and fresh.
“Mama?”
She blinked. Lily. She pulled from his grasp, gathered her skirt and was halfway up to the wagon seat when she felt his hands on her waist, helping the rest of the way.
Back at Molly’s, he set up the tree and then took the ax and tools back to the shed. Leaving Lily with Molly and a cup of hot cocoa, Kathleen followed him.
“Get back inside, Kathleen. You don’t have your cloak on.” He stood at the door to the shed, looping the rope they’d used around his hand and elbow.
“Will you stay and help decorate?”
He shook his head. “I’ve got chores at the ranch.”
She tried not to let her disappointment show. “It’s been a good day. A perfect day…for Lily. Thank you for that.”
He acknowledged her words with a quick nod and then hung the coil of rope over a long peg.
Was it her imagination or was he distancing himself somehow? She took a deep breath, unsure how much to say without sounding ungrateful toward her family. “Lily hasn’t had many of those. I haven’t, either.”
He searched her face. “Explain that.”
“After…moving to the city, things changed between me and my parents. Seemed I could never do enough to please them. It was like walking on wet sand, the surface shifting beneath my feet. I never could find my balance. I had been a disappointment beyond anything they could forgive. And by extension, so had Lily. To even mention the name Sheridan would set them off.”
“You never should have left here.”
“They weren’t like that at first. Only later.” When Lily had made her presence known in Kathleen’s burgeoning shape and her situation could no longer be hidden. “I needed help.”
“I would—” He stopped and amended his words. “We would have helped you.”
“I didn’t believe that then and…I was afraid.” She stood on her tiptoes and brushed a kiss on his cheek. “I believe it now.”
With those four simple words, she realized that she’d crossed a chasm. She trusted him—and the thought overwhelmed her. It wasn’t with just her physical safety, it was with her daughter…and quite possibly her heart.
She turned and walked across the yard and into the house.
Chapter Seven
The morning of the Community Christmas Dance, Lucy cornered Kathleen in the bakery and again urged her to go, promising to help watch Lily. Molly had said as much—several times. Women were in short supply in the small gold-mining town and a nice turnout of the feminine gender would make for a lively dance. Sue closed the bakery early in the afternoon so that they could get ready.
When Kathleen burst through the front door of Molly’s, she found Lily twirling around the parlor, her new white Christmas dress flying out around her legs. “Mama! Mama! Look! Look at me!”
Kathleen smiled in spite of her harried thoughts. And then she went stock-still. In her daughter’s hair was pinned a baby-blue ribbon with slightly frayed ends. The same ribbon that had been tied around the old book of sonnets.
“Where did you get that?”
At her tone, the shining excitement disappeared from Lily’s face. “I found it in the trunk. Look! It matches my dress.”
So it did. Kathleen hated to have been the one to dampen her daughter’s day. “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” she said. “It startled me—seeing that ribbon after so long.”
Lily tugged at the bow. “I’ll take it out, Mama. I don’t want you sad.”
Kathleen stilled her daughter’s hand. “No. Leave it.” She patted her hair back into place and smiled into her daughter’s eyes. “You look lovely.”
She looked up and found Molly watching the exchange. “Well. It appears you are both ready and I am the one who is late. Just give me two shakes of a lamb’s tail and I’ll be ready.”
“It’s okay, Mama,” Lily said, her sunny nature returning. “Aunt Molly says it is better to be a little late.”
“Oh? Why is that?”
“Well…so everyone can see me when I walk in, of course!”
Kathleen laughed as her daughter twirled around once more and skipped from the room.
Later, when she stepped outside with Lily, the fine mist floating in the stillness lent a magical quality to the evening. Molly had left earlier to help set out the food at the social, leaving Kathleen and Lily to walk to the dance on their own. Kathleen couldn’t help it—she was nervous about this first
foray back into the social life of the community. It had been years since she had done anything lighthearted or fun. Events like dancing hadn’t existed for her after having Lily. And yet excitement raced just beneath the surface of her thoughts. She’d see Garrett tonight! And maybe instead of seeing her as a sister-in-law or Lily’s mother, he would look at her as a woman. She drew in a shaky breath. And what would she do if he did?
Lily’s small hand slipped into hers. The look in her eyes mirrored Kathleen’s feelings. She squeezed her daughter’s hand. “Your first party! Excited?”
Lily nodded.
“Me, too.” She let her daughter lead her on to the town hall, where music spilled out onto the street.
* * *
She had come.
Garrett stopped in the doorway and watched Kathleen dance with Eduardo. The dark green dress she wore hugged her small waist and would have shown a lot more creamy skin but for the wine-colored shawl she had pinned loosely around her shoulders. As it was, he—as well as every other buck in the room—got a small teasing glimpse of lace at her neckline. She’d pulled the blond hair that framed her face back into a loose, curly tail, held there by a matching red bow, and let the rest of her hair hang free.
“Hello, Garrett. Garrett?”
He pulled his gaze away from Kathleen and found Lucy Mae at his side. He tipped his hat, and then remembering where he was, took it off.
Lucy smirked. “It’s no secret who you want to dance with, but it looks like you’ll have to stand in line. While you’re waiting, could you help Alan bring in a few more tables from the restaurant? There’s a bigger crowd than last year.”
“Sure thing, Lucy.”
“Good. And save me a dance? You owe me after bowing out last year.”
He stifled a smile. “Glad you don’t hold long grudges. Anything else?”
“No. That will do.”
“At your service.” He handed his hat and leather duster to her to hang up. She rolled her eyes in friendly exasperation. After all, he was helping with the tables. An even exchange.
Kathleen kept dancing, kept laughing. When she stopped, old school friends gathered around and she introduced them to her daughter. Seemed she was having a good time. He wanted to catch her for a dance, but was nervous just the same. What exactly did that peck she’d given him on the cheek mean? Thanks? Or something more? He’d tried to focus on that and not put anything more into the act as he helped set up the tables and a few more chairs.