by Jenna Kernan
“I don’t think I am.” She stepped toward him.
Something inside slid into place, as if it had been off-kilter for half of his life. She tilted her head back to look up at him with her eyes half-closed. She looked for all the world like a woman who wanted a kiss…his kiss.
Refusing her never entered his thoughts. Slowly, mindful that his heartbeat pounded loud in his ears, he removed his hat and lowered his mouth to hers.
* * *
His lips, warm and tender, molded to hers, and she felt as though, at long last, this was where she was supposed to be. In his arms. Safe. Protected. The utter gentleness of his touch, his soft nibble at her lower lip made her tremble. For the first time in her life, she felt cherished.
Currents of pleasure pulsed through her. This kiss was all Garrett. Gentle but firm. Strong and sure. And she wanted it to last. The wanting, the need, became an ache low inside her. He wasn’t one to give his affection lightly. On that realization, she pulled back. What was she doing? How could she hope to measure up?
His face came into view. He looked as stunned as she felt. For a heartbeat, neither spoke.
“What’s going on here, Kathleen? What is it you want?”
She touched her finger to his lips. Shook her head. Her feelings, her thoughts were all jumbled inside. “I don’t know.”
A muscle ticked in his cheek.
“I’m…”
“Confused?”
She nodded. “I feel as though I’m being disloyal to Josh.”
“That was a long time ago…but…I know how you feel. I feel it, too.” He let out a long breath and rubbed the back of his neck. “We’ll take this slow. Figure it out as we go. You can pull the reins anytime. That suit you?”
Relief flooded through her.
“I’ll stop by tomorrow. After chores.” He didn’t move to leave.
She should go inside, she knew that. But…one more light kiss…just one… She stood on her tiptoes and started to press a kiss to his cheek when he turned his face and captured her lips once more. This time any pretense of sweetness was gone. A rawness she’d suspected but never seen in him had him pulling her hard against him and pressing his warm mouth to hers, destroying any illusion that all he wanted was platonic.
Inside, an answering desire gripped her, overwhelming and turbulent. She pushed against his chest.
He pulled back immediately, raked his fingers through his hair, slowed his breathing.
“I should go inside.”
He slipped on his hat. “Tomorrow?” And he waited as if he half expected her to reject him.
She nodded. “Tomorrow. Good night, Garrett.”
She entered the house and shut the door. Placing her forehead against the cool wood, she listened to the sound of his footsteps fading away. Then she sat down in the rocking chair. Her body still thrummed from his kiss.
She loved him—had loved him for weeks now and possibly since way back, before Josh, when she’d first thought to kiss him in the barn. She hadn’t recognized it at first. This love was so different from the rush of emotions she’d felt for Josh. This was deeper, stronger, steadier, and she knew in her heart it would burn longer. And that scared her.
Seeing Franklin had cleared things up. She hadn’t measured up before. Not in her parents’ eyes. Not in Josh’s eyes. As hard as she’d tried, they’d never been satisfied. Dare she open herself to that hurt again?
She couldn’t stand to let Garrett down. To see in his eyes the disappointment she’d seen in Josh’s. And if he tired of her like Josh had—what then?
Now all she had was Lily and herself. Maybe it would be best to keep it that way. She’d be free to raise Lily as she wanted. Free to live her own life. She could almost picture it. Alone. Independent. No one would expect any more of her.
Only she would.
Deep down she knew. She expected more. She wanted more. For herself. For Lily. A real family.
She closed her eyes and rocked. Remembering Garrett’s first kiss…and then remembering the second.
She wanted more. She wanted…Garrett.
Surely with Garrett it could be different.
Chapter Nine
Snow fell that night and into the next day. A good amount. Enough that the road from the ranch to town was impassable.
Garrett couldn’t stand it.
He wanted to see Kathleen. To talk to her. Be with her.
Instead, once the snow finished pelting down that afternoon, he loaded the wagon with hay and hitched up the oxen, then drove them out to the meadow. Standing atop the flatbed, he scattered the hay over the ground. The cattle pushed close, fighting to get the choicest stalks, bellowing until they were satisfied.
He straightened, stretched his back and looked out over the rolling hills, now covered in white. He knew every rock, every oak tree that dotted the meadow. The snow had started just after the dance. By the time he and his folks had made it back to the house, a good three inches had fallen—one for each mile from town. And then it had continued on through the night.
He loved this ranch. Had always planned to start a family here. Maybe build a house near his folks. He was the one who would stay. Josh had always talked of leaving. Always wanted to see far-off places. Josh craved constant change…adventure. He never did get his wish.
And now Garrett could think of nothing but his brother’s wife. Something about that didn’t set right with him. Maybe in Bible times men married their brother’s wives to keep them safe and to keep the children protected. People didn’t do that anymore. Not that he cared what people would think…but Kathleen might. Especially if it affected Lily.
He stopped of a sudden. Marriage? He was thinkin’ marriage after one…no two…kisses?
But a woman like Kathleen didn’t just give out kisses. The way she’d responded—there was something between them. Something strong. He’d felt it long ago, but then Josh had intervened and pushed his way into Kathleen’s life.
He’d hated his brother for that. That hate had eaten at him for a long time. It took a while for him to realize Josh was grasping for Ma and Pa—even himself—to notice him. That was why he joked all the time. Quiet praise or admonition fell on deaf ears. His brother had been bigger than life and needed bigger-than-life attention and excitement. If it hadn’t come to him, then Josh had gone after it or created it. The day-to-day life on a ranch had stifled him. Still, it didn’t excuse him from stealing the one girl Garrett had ever cared about. Josh, who all the girls liked, who could get any girl he wanted. Why’d he have to go after Kathleen?
He finished distributing the hay and reined the oxen back toward the barn. Maybe it was a good thing the snow had made travel impossible. He needed the time to figure a few things out. By the time he got back to the ranch and had unsaddled Blue, he had a grip on what he wanted to do.
“I’m going to marry her. My mind’s made up,” he said, striding into the parlor. “I want to bring Kathleen here until I can build a house.”
Ma stoked the fire in the grate and then straightened, turning to him. “Then you know what you have to do. Marriage is too important to go into it with secrets.”
Which meant he had to tell her his part in Josh’s death.
Emotions stirred inside. His chest tightened. The things he’d said to Josh. The fight they’d had…over Kathleen. He’d hated the way Josh treated her. How he’d stepped out on her, not thinking about her feelings or caring who knew. Garrett could still hear his brother’s cynical laugh when he’d told him to go home and take care of his wife. Josh had dug his heels in even further, like any Sheridan would have done, and drank till daylight crept into the saloon.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
When had Pa come into the room? He didn’t want anybody, especially his own kin, letting him off easy. “I could have done things differently.”
“Josh was hell-bent on kickin’ up his own trouble. Remember that. He was grown with a baby on the way. It was his decision to act like he did. H
e’s the one who made the wrong choice. You’ve got to let go of the notion you helped his death along.”
Garrett blew out a long, slow breath. As much as he didn’t want absolution for his part in Josh’s death, he still needed to hear that his folks understood, that they’d support him if he needed them.
Unshed tears glistened in his mother’s eyes. “Like I always said…we’re family. Through whatever may come.”
“I want Kathleen to have that, too.”
“She does, son,” Pa said. “But she has to be the one to accept it.”
He closed his eyes. “All right,” he heard himself say. “All right.”
* * *
Kathleen stared out the frosty window, wondering for the thousandth time what Garrett was doing right at that moment. Eight inches of snow covered the ground, with more falling. Two days of it! Hers had been the only footsteps disturbing the carpet of white when she’d traipsed the half mile to the bakery that morning to fire up the ovens. The warmth in the shop was a welcome relief compared to outside. Even the few brave souls that had ventured out for bread and baked sweets had tarried a while inside to warm themselves. She thanked Garrett silently for the fifth time that morning that he’d had the foresight to store up a veritable fortress of chopped wood for Molly.
But truth be told, she wasn’t thinking about wood that much. No…what she couldn’t get out of her mind was Garrett’s kiss. Soft, warm and gentle at first, and then changing. With the thought of how insistent it’d become, how it had stirred things to a frenzy deep in her belly, she felt her cheeks warm. She wanted that kiss again with a desire so strong it took her breath away.
Sue glanced up from rolling pie dough. “You were having a good time Saturday night.”
Kathleen’s cheeks warmed even more.
Sue laughed. “No need to be shy about it. You had one of the most eligible bachelors watching over you all night.”
“What will people think? Him being Josh’s brother?”
“I think it shouldn’t matter. But to let you know, most the folks around here are happy you’re back. And they’re glad Garrett is looking out for you. You’re the one making it complicated.”
“I’ve got my daughter to think about.”
“You’ve got your own happiness, too. Don’t forget that. Lily will know if her mother’s unhappy.”
“My happiness doesn’t depend on Garrett. It’s just…he’s been around so much lately and now he’s not here. I miss him.”
“The snow might have something to do with that.” Sue pinched the edges of the dough, shaping it into a pretty pattern before pouring in the berry filling.
With the clear skies, by afternoon Kathleen had glanced out the front window half a dozen times hoping to see Garrett. Every time a man’s heavy footstep landed on the boardwalk in front of the door or a shadow passed by she looked out. Finally, her constant vigil was rewarded. He caught her closing up the shop and stepped inside with her.
“I didn’t think I’d see you,” she said. “It’s so late.”
“Things kept coming up at the ranch, but I’m here now. Sue gone already?” he asked, scanning the dim interior of the bakery.
At her nod, he moved toward her. She thought he would kiss her, but instead he took her cloak from its peg and settled it over her shoulders, drawing it close at her throat. His gaze never left hers, however, and she felt kissed.
They stepped outside. She jiggled the door slightly while turning the key in the lock.
“Got that figured out now,” he said, smiling slightly.
Lanterns blinked on in the hotel down the road as they crossed. When they rounded the corner and the shadows grew longer and darker, he moved closer. She slipped her hand through the crook of his arm. His nearness sent a thrum of excitement through her. Everything seemed so right. “Will you stay for supper?”
“Are you inviting me?” he whispered low, his breath warm against her ear. All teasing was gone from his voice and the question hung in the cold air between them.
She remembered another time when he’d been asked to stay for supper by Molly…and his response. The thought quickened her pulse as he followed her onto the front porch. “Yes. I’d like you to stay.”
He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her, his face hovering over hers. “Kathleen, there’s something I need to tell you.” His gaze fell to her mouth and then he looked back at her face. “Later.” He touched his lips lightly to hers. She didn’t resist—couldn’t resist if she’d wanted to. She’d thought of nothing but this since the dance. Her entire body tingled with anticipation as she pressed her mouth gently to his and returned the kiss.
Slowly he took her lower lip gently, sucking, encouraging her to open her mouth, let him inside. And she did. Fire raced through her like liquid gold—and in its wake—desire. He moved, his mouth sliding from her lips down her throat to the base of her neck, near the bit of lace at her collar. Then, pulling away slightly, he looked down into her eyes. With his hands on her shoulders, he set her away from him, a determined look on his face.
“Seems like you and me have been dancing close without touching ever since your family moved to the area. Something always came between us. First your age—you must have been all of nine the first time I laid eyes on you, though I didn’t notice you much until you were about fourteen. Then you living in town with me always out at the ranch. Then Josh.”
“Josh? What are you saying, Garrett?”
“That I’ve given this a lot of thought—years of thought—and I can’t let you slip away for a second time.” His voice was raw with emotion. “I’m in love with you, Kathleen. I’ve loved you ever since that kiss in Satterly’s barn. I want to marry you.”
Chapter Ten
Slowly, as if pulling away from a fog, her eyes focused on him. “Marry? Garrett…I…”
Had he spoken too soon? She wasn’t ready…might never be ready now. He backed away from her, lowered his hands.
She looked confused. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen.
Her brow wrinkled. “What do you mean? You’ve loved me since that kiss?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Like I said—you were too young at first, and later…you were with Josh.”
She blinked, then clutched at her scarf. “Josh knew how you felt?”
He nodded. “He knew, all right.”
She moved down to the path. Looked up into the inky night. “All that time? He never said a word to me.”
“There was nothing to say. You loved him. You married him.”
“Is that why you didn’t come to the wedding?”
“Yes.” Tears glistened in her blue eyes. He’d do anything not to have put them there. This wasn’t at all how he’d imagined his proposal going.
“I don’t see how I can marry you, Garrett.”
The words cut into him. “Why not?”
“Don’t you see? I couldn’t make Josh happy. He never said so, but I could tell he didn’t like marriage. He felt trapped, frustrated. He wanted so much more. And I had tied him down. He took that job in the mine to make a better life for me and for Lily. He wouldn’t have done that if it wasn’t for us. It’s my fault he was there the day of the explosion.”
How could she blame herself? He wanted to shake her…or hold her. “It was never your fault! Josh didn’t like doing anything for very long. He was always moving on to the next new thing.”
He knew what he had to do—tell her the truth. Walking away now wasn’t an option. Thing was, he knew with each word he uttered, it would ruin any chance he had with her.
“Do you remember the night before Josh died? I came up to the house? Just before he rode off, I heard Josh hollerin’…at you.”
She looked startled. Then she covered her face with her hand. “I didn’t think anyone knew.”
It hurt him to open old wounds, but he had to see it through. “I’d heard him a time or two before,” he
admitted. “That night my folks were out visiting friends, and since I had moved to the bunkhouse, Josh felt free to be loud. You were sitting all alone in the parlor—sewing or mending—and crying. I could tell by the wet splotches on the shirt in your lap—and by your face.
“Something inside snapped. Nothing you could have done was so bad that you deserved that. He left you alone a lot. It wasn’t right. I rode into town looking for him. I aimed to bring him back to the ranch house, make him apologize.”
He swallowed. It was hard to continue. He hated this. Hated admitting he’d been wrong…done wrong.
“I found him getting liquored up in the saloon. We argued. I said some things I’m not proud of. He told me to stay out of his business. It turned to fists. I…broke his nose before Russell and Paul separated us.”
“You broke his nose!”
“He grabbed his hat and left with…a friend.” He wouldn’t tell her the other part—that Josh had slept till morning in the willing arms of Sadie Darnell. “That’s the last I saw of him alive, but I heard that he drank more—drank into the morning. And then he went to his job at the mine.”
“A job that entailed handling dynamite,” she said quietly.
Garrett took a deep breath. “So you see, it’s my fault he died. Not yours. It’s on my head.” There. He’d said it. She knew.
“He’d been late before…but he’d never stayed away all night. Until then.”
“I only made it worse…interfering like that.”
“But family looks out for family, don’t they?”
The way she said it, it wasn’t a good thing. She sounded lost. Hurt. And was striking out like a wounded animal. He swallowed. Nodded.
She took a step back, her expression closing, shutting him out. “Please—you better go. I need time to sort through this.”
He couldn’t leave—not like this. Not without a grain of hope. “I want you and Lily in my life.” He clenched his teeth to keep from saying more. Anything more would be like heaping coals on his words. He slipped on his hat. “Good night, Kathleen.” He looked once more at the one woman he had always loved and then stepped off the porch and walked away.