Now that Eva was no longer in need of intense intervention, Liam had a tendency to mirror her moods. It was the most difficult when Eva said or did something that triggered a memory of Dolly. It was worse when a memory of Dolly's death flashed in his mind. He still considered her death his fault, and it tore at him. For four years he had tried to drink that belief away, and now he tried with all his might to shove it away mentally. He was failing miserably at ignoring it. He had told Eva that her culpability in Victor’s death was irrational right from the start, when she said she killed Victor. Taking care of Eva and keeping an eye on Ellen gave him a focus. But now that Eva and Ellen were better, he had much more time on his own, and unresolved thoughts and feelings began to flood his mind.
As he hid in his cocoon, a knock came softly on his door. He was used to that. He had agreed to stay on indefinitely to help out with chores since the man who used to do them was no longer there. Eva and Saimi had put up with his withdrawal from alcohol abuse and cared for him while he recuperated. The least he could do was to help out as much as he could.
“Liam,” Saimi called quietly through the closed door. “Can you come have some coffee? Den you and Eva can clear snow for church.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he answered respectfully, but he was highly unwilling to get out from the warm covers. And though the rising sun was making the frost on the windows sparkle, it made him shiver. He wasn’t sure he wanted to face Eva in her miserable mood. Even so, he sat up on the edge of the bed in his long johns, noting his morning erection and his need to pee. He sat, looking out at the forbidding cold, feeling empty.
~~~
About half an hour later, Eva and Liam were out in the back, both carrying shovels. Liam figured that neither one of them wanted to be with the other, let alone out in the frigid air.
He walked out from the back steps, snow drifts to his knees. “Where do ye want me to start, Eva?”
“Vhat you mean, vhere to start?” she spewed. “Dere is damn snow all over yard. Yust start diggink!” She turned her back on him and started to shovel off the steps on the back porch.
Liam, with his mood free-falling like an avalanche into anger at her foul response, picked up a shovelful of wet snow and heaved it at her as hard as he could. The giant snowball hit her on the back and neck, knocking her to her knees. She screamed in surprise.
“What the hell do ye mean talkin’ to me that way, ye fuckin’ bitch,” he yelled.
She threw her shovel aside and ran toward him through the knee-deep snow. She was yelling in Finnish and swinging her fists, pummeling him in the torso and anywhere else her fists could land. Tears of rage streamed down her face. In her wild, crazed swinging, she landed a solid one on his jaw.
He quickly subdued her by throwing her into the soft snow, landing on his knees and straddling her to stop her from kicking him. He pinned her flailing arms and fists across her chest and belly. She struggled, yelling and screaming.
“I’m not lettin’ ye up until ye calm down and stop hittin’ me!” he said.
Eva was no longer enraged, but had shifted to uncontrollable sobbing.
“I don’t have to stay here, ye know. I didn’t deserve the way ye answered me.”
“I sordy,” she whispered between hiccupping sobs.
“Is it yer wish I go, to just leave here?”
She looked at him wide-eyed. “No!”
“I’ll tell ye the truth.” He softened. “I don’t want to go.”
She sobbed and said again, “I sordy I so nasty, Liam.”
He felt her relax and give up the fight. He didn’t want her to be submissive; that was not his intent. He stood up and pulled her up with him. He then took his handmade mitten off, tucked it under his arm, and reached into his pocket to pull out a kerchief to wipe her tears. She looked at him with brief glances. His gentle ministrations seemed to soothe her.
“Ye’re quite the feisty wee fighter,” he said. “Ye have a mean left hook. Remind me not to get on yer bad side again.” He smiled softly as he pulled snow from her collar and neck.
“Vhat left hook?” she asked, sniffling. She seemed to be testing how it would be if she looked in his eyes for more than a glance at a time.
“A nasty punch in the face with yer left hand,” he explained, holding the hand she’d used.
One corner of her mouth smiled proudly as he touched his jaw and wiggled it around, playing a little. She took a mitten off and reached to rub the red spot from the punch. He felt touched by her gesture. He felt that strong pull in his heart and … down below. No, Liam. It could have the opposite effect, he said to himself, having a pang of guilt for his physical response. A memory flashed to a night in Chicago with a lonely young woman named Kelly Ann. The feelings for Eva were almost overwhelming, especially when he had been holding her down in the snow. Her physical attraction to him was blatantly noticeable; he had felt her squirm under him.
When her tears were dried, he surprised himself by bending to kiss her, softly on the lips. When he pulled away, he felt her lean in for more, as if she was aching for the affection. She stopped and gazed into his eyes. He saw so many questions in them. She’s wonderin’ why I kissed her and wonderin’ why I stopped.
She pulled the mitten off her left hand and showed him her skinned knuckles. He kissed those, too.
“I’m sorry for the snow down yer neck, and fer callin’ ye a bad name,” he said. He watched her softening blue eyes. That also touched him.
They finished shoveling a path through the snow in short order, along with hitching the horse to the sleigh, working silently but comfortably together. The sun showed pale in the blue sky as they left the barn. “Let’s go in and I’ll clean up yer knuckles,” he said.
~~~
As Ellen, Saimi, and the boarders readied themselves for church, Liam and Eva sat at the kitchen table. He cleaned Eva’s knuckles with the available antiseptic and put a bandage on them.
“Mamma, vhat happened to you?” Ellen asked as she came from the bedroom. She had a frown on her face as she observed Liam tending to her mother.
“I hurt … outside,” Eva said.
“It’s easier if another person tends to a hand wound of someone else’s,” Liam explained.
Eva asked Ellen, “Vhy you frown? You tink hees gonna hurt me?”
Ellen answered in Finnish.
“Who said somptink ’bout dat?”
Ellen replied in Finnish again, and put an end to the conversation by walking away from her mother. She stomped over to the back door to get her coat and sat on the bench to put on her winter boots. She went out the back door, which seemed to leave Eva slightly stunned. It took a minute for the rest to leave.
Liam could tell Ellen had been talking about him because of the Finnish. Then she ignored him the entire time. He stood up to get pancakes for them at the stove. He came back and gave Eva a plate and a fork from the silverware drawer in the table. She smiled faintly at him. They shared the rest of the pancakes and preserves. Liam took a few bites. He glanced occasionally at Eva to try to get a read on her mood. It had definitely plummeted since the exchange with her daughter. He swallowed his food.
“Do ye want to talk about what just happened with Ellen?” he said.
“I don’t know,” Eva answered. Her eyes remained on her plate.
They ate breakfast in a somber mood and helped each other with clean-up. After that, both Liam and Eva retreated to their own bedrooms.
~~~
Eva sat on the edge of her bed. She was in a maddening state of confusion. It felt like she was screaming inside her head. Soon, the internal screaming became audible crying and she began to sob into her pillow. She cried for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly, Liam was there, pulling her to him. “Eva,” he whispered, wrapping his body around hers. “I heard ye. It’s all right now.”
“I use to be happy!” she yelled in between wails. “Vhat happen my life?” Her sobs were uneven. “Vhy Victor lee
f me?!” She thrashed in his arms. “I don’t understand.” She pounded the mattress with her fist, eventually sobbing herself into exhaustion. Liam held onto her, stroking her hair as she lay limp and stuffy-nosed. She turned herself around to face him and nuzzled into him. He continued to stroke her hair and neck. She felt soothed by him. When she came a bit more out of herself, she noticed that Liam was crying too.
“Vhy, Liam? Vhy dey go from us?” Eva felt calmer, but tears still flowed and her voice faltered with hoarseness.
“I don’t know,” he whispered.
She looked up at him, his face wet with tears. Now it was her turn to comfort him. She put her hand on his face and stroked his overgrown black hair. His hair is so beautiful, she thought.
They stayed in each other’s arms on the bed for a long while. Eventually, Eva thought she should tell Liam what Ellen had said to her in the kitchen. “Ellen says sees don’t vant new Pappa,” Eva said finally.
“I thought it was somethin’ like that. She’s frightened, Eva. Her heart is still broken, just like yours.”
“And you, too,” Eva added. She started to cry again. “I can’t fix Ellen’s heart.” She felt him pull her close. “Please don’t go,” she whispered into his chest. “Maybe you vant to. I von’t stop you. I vant you stay, please.”
She felt him take a deep breath and let it out. He kissed her forehead.
“It may not be easy,” he said. “If it hurts Ellen too much to have me here, I’ll have to go.”
“Ellen is verdy good girl. I know sees don’t hate you. You say sees scared. I tink so, too. I am verdy scared, too. I feel mix up. I miss Victor in old country. Ve vere happy. Vhen ve come here, it get bad. I lose Victor lonk time ago he’s die.”
“I understand,” Liam answered. “Ye lost him before he died.”
Eva lay calm and silent while Liam held her. She felt confusion about her feelings for Liam, and she couldn't forget the long-held love, and the forsaking of another for that love, that she had for the man who was suddenly gone from her life. It was overwhelming, but she felt safe and taken care of in Liam’s arms.
“Ye seem a little better,” Liam said, leaning to see her face.
She gazed into his eyes, then nodded yes.
“What time is it?” She leaned away and looked at the clock. “Time to cook.”
“I’ll help,” he offered.
She was unwilling to leave the burgeoning physical intimacy. She buried herself into his arms and chest. She felt him wanting to stay, too. Looking up, she must’ve shown it in her face, because he did exactly what she wanted him to do. He kissed her.
“I vant to …” she whispered. Her physical attraction to him was too much hold back.
“I do, too, Eva, but it’s … we’re still so raw with our losses.”
“Vhat raw means?”
“It’s still a deep wound. Look at ye just now. We need more time to get better. Ellen needs more time. What if … ye get with child?”
She felt hurt. “En välitä jos on vauva,” she blurted.
“Did ye just say you don’t care if ye have a baby?”
“Yes.”
“Aye, ye do care, Eva. And, ye know we’re not ready for anything like that.”
She huffed through her nose. She was grateful he was patient enough to let her show her feelings. But as they got up from the bed, she knew he was right. Her desire did not wane, but she walked with him to the door of the bedroom without acting on her sexual yearning. He stopped her gently, pulling her to look at him.
“Are ye all right?”
“I … I still mix up.”
He embraced her. She leaned back to look at him. Without words, he again did what she wanted him to. It was the kiss that sealed their fate.
“Are ye ready for this, Eva?”
“No,” she said teary-eyed.
“Neither am I.”
This time she kissed him.
~~~
When Ellen, Saimi, and the boarders returned from their morning at church, they found Liam and Eva working together in the kitchen. Eva felt nervous, worried that they would read things from her face and it would give away everything. She glanced at Liam, who looked as nervous as she felt. I’m glad we didn’t have sex. I would be throwing up right now.
Ellen, after removing her coat and boots and putting on her slipper-socks, stood for a while, watching the goings on in the kitchen.
Eva could see her watching Liam like a hawk. She spoke in Finnish. “What are you watching?”
“I didn’t know he could cook,” Ellen answered in English.
“Well, I can’t surely,” Liam answered. “I can pretend to peel potatoes. See?” He lifted the pot from the counter for Ellen to look. The little potatoes had not yet been diced for boiling. “You should’ve seen the size o’ them when I started peeling,” he whispered incredulously, dead-pan. “They were as big as yer head.”
“Potatoes don’t grow that big,” Ellen said.
“I know they don’t. I was just seein’ how intelligent ye are. I’m pleasantly surprised.”
He glanced at Ellen, finished dicing the potatoes, and handed the pot to Eva.
“I was wonderin’, Ellen. I know there’s a game of checkers in the parlor on the shelf. Would ye like to play a game? I’m pretty good.”
“Maybe.”
Eva watched the exchange surreptitiously as she rolled out a pie crust.
“What if we up the stakes and play for pennies? Say two per game.”
“Mamma, can Liam and I gamble?”
“I don’t mind,” Eva said nonchalantly.
“And I don’t vant to tink you’re letting me win, either,” Ellen insisted.
“I wouldn’t insult ye like that.”
“Do you vant to play now?” Ellen asked. “I have a jar.”
“Do ye need me, Eva?”
“You go play.”
“Go get yer pennies,” Liam said to Ellen, digging into his trouser pockets for his own.
While Ellen was in the bedroom getting her penny jar, Liam glanced at Eva. He raised his eyebrow. She gave him a cautiously optimistic eyebrow raise in return.
~~~
Liam had the first three games when Ellen started to beat him. They were sitting cross-legged on the rug in the parlor next to the warm radiator.
“Are you sure you’re not letting me win?” Ellen asked.
“Do ye think I like losin’ my money?”
“Probably not. Do you vant to switch to cards? I like Crazy Eights.”
“Sure, but I’ve never played,” he said.
He wanted to laugh out loud when the expression on Ellen’s face turned into a stone cold professional gambler, ready to take him for all he was worth.
“Ye don’t have a very good poker face,” he said.
“I don’t know vhat dat means.”
“Yer face says what’s on yer mind.”
“It does?” She gave him a half smile and blushed.
He just nodded as he put the checkers away in the box, then watched her get the cards out of the cupboard in the built-in bookshelf. That’s when he spotted the nearly full bottle of vodka. His stomach churned momentarily. She shut the cupboard door, plopped back on the rug, and began to shuffle the deck.
Before she started to deal, he saw her look at him with intent.
“What do ye want to ask?” he said.
“Do you miss your vife?”
“Very much. It still hurts that she’s not with me anymore. I know how you and yer Mamma feel.”
“I didn’t know dat,” she said, looking into his eyes. “Yes, I see it in your face.”
~~~
Sunday dinners were always eaten in the formal dining room. It was Saimi’s day off, so she went to the parlor with the boarders after dinner with her knitting. Ellen, Liam, and Eva were on clean-up duty. Plates and silverware and empty serving dishes were hauled into the kitchen. Liam liked getting back to the domestic connection to people, the way he had with
Annie and Dolly.
It was after dinner a week later. “I vant to wash, please,” Ellen declared. She retrieved the stool from the pantry she used to stand at the sink.
As Liam and Eva dried the dishes and put them in the cabinets, they chatted about her life in Finland. Liam was intrigued with the farm ideals Eva was raised with. Everything was used, and very little was wasted. Even slaughtered animals were used to the fullest, she explained to him, with Ellen interpreting when Eva didn’t have the English words.
“Mamma said in Finland they used the cow’s blood to make pancakes and other foods.”
“Surely ye’re lyin’.”
“Oh, ve use it,” Eva said in all seriousness. “Even tsickens eat it.”
When Liam made a face at the thought of using cow’s blood for anything, Ellen hid her smile. He saw this and knew she was still keeping an emotional distance from him. She made some gains playing checkers and cards with me, but she didn’t know it, the little card sharp. He smiled to himself.
As they continued to talk, Eva and Ellen were given a glimpse into Liam’s childhood. He spoke highly of Annie, the cook, and told them about his parents’ decadence, compared to Eva and her family's more intelligent use of abundance.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he said. “I’m not against the money. I just don’t like the high society pretense.”
“Vhat is pretense?”
“Bein’ false; pretendin’ ye’re better than others because ye have money.”
“Mattsons were rich, but dey verdy good people. Dey take care us, and treat us like family.”
He saw a brief cloud of sadness pass over Eva’s eyes as she poured a cup of coffee, but she was able to recover quickly. Seeing her reflect on a past moment brought a comparable scene to his mind—one of him, Annie, and Dolly on a Sunday night, sitting around the kitchen table, sipping tea and chatting. Then, with a vengeance, came another scene—one of Dolly on the ship and the blood all over. Damn it, not that, he said to himself. His stomach churned. Jesus, I want that vodka.
Eva and the Irishman Page 40