by Sarah Bailey
I couldn’t begin to imagine what it was like to have such a big family.
Jonah: I bet it is.
Raphael: I really hope Grandma doesn’t bring up Andie.
Jonah: Would she?
Raphael: You have no idea. She has no tact.
She can’t have if she would bring up that topic at the dinner table.
Jonah: Your family sounds like a lot.
Raphael: Tell me about it. I wish I didn’t have to deal with them today.
I would have offered to give him an excuse to get out of the house, but I could not ditch my friends again. Besides, not sure his parents would allow him to get out of a family Sunday lunch.
Jonah: Feel free to text me if it gets too much.
Raphael: Mum would literally kill me if I used my phone at the table, but thanks. You’re sweet.
My face grew hot at his compliment. I knew I shouldn’t read into it, but I couldn’t help it. My heart hammered against my ribcage in this completely disconcerting way.
What is wrong with you?
Jonah: Me? Sweet? Are you mistaking me for someone else?
Raphael: Are you incapable of taking a compliment?
Jonah: Not exactly.
Raphael: If I was to shower you with them, would that make you feel awkward?
Jonah: Very much so.
I couldn’t help my smile. This was very bad. I didn’t know how the conversation had got turned around onto me.
Raphael: Calculates the sheer amount of ammunition he now has. You shouldn’t have told me that.
Jonah: You going to use it against me?
Raphael: Perhaps… you’ll just have to wait and see.
This funny side of him had my stomach twisting in knots. I had no idea what to make of it. Raphael couldn’t be flirting with me, could he? To be honest, I didn’t even know how to recognise when someone was.
Jonah: Are you going to be as much trouble as my sister is?
Raphael: Didn’t you know that’s why we hang out?
Jonah: Oh wonderful. I’ll get it from all sides now.
Raphael: Aw, don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you.
I should be getting back to my homework. Instead, I was clutching my phone, holding onto every fucking word he typed out to me like I couldn’t get enough.
You are messed up, you know that. Completely messed up.
Jonah: I’ll just have to give it back if it’s going to be like that.
Raphael: Them’s fighting words.
Jonah: You’re a little bit funny, you know that?
Raphael: I do try. Am I making you smile?
I put my free hand to my lips.
Jonah: Maybe.
Raphael: Mission accomplished.
Raphael: I have to go… Dad just stuck his head around my bedroom door. Apparently, I’m on kitchen helper duty today.
It was probably a good thing because if this conversation continued, I might end up embarrassing the hell out of myself by saying something stupid.
Jonah: Good luck!
Raphael: I’ll need it!
I put my phone down on the bed and stared at my books. The thing I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge reared its ugly head. There was denying it now. Not after that exchange. Not after the way I’d reacted to his words. My body felt hot all over and I was sure my face must be bright red.
I think I have a crush on my little sister’s friend.
Well… fuck.
Chapter Nine
After the complete and utter shitshow that was Sunday lunch with my grandparents, I’d felt like crawling under my covers and never reappearing. It didn’t get any better over the next few days either. Honestly, I don’t know why Grandma insisted on bringing up the most inappropriate topics at the dinner table. Mum had lost her shit completely. My dads had been no better.
I shuddered at the memory of Duke storming out of the room, then everyone except me, Aurora and Cole were shouting at each other. Mum sent us into the living room. The three of us sat on the sofa silently listening to the mayhem going on next door until Lily, our step-grandmother, came out and tried to distract us. It hadn’t worked. Nothing could prevent us from hearing what was going.
I didn’t want to think about it, but it had brought up all sorts of shit for me. Like how Grandma accused them of raising us all wrong. Mum telling her she couldn’t talk given how she’d allowed my mother to be raised by a monster. It went on and on in the same vein until Quinn basically kicked Grandma out of our house telling her she wasn’t welcome here if she was going to give my mum shit.
The rest of lunch had been a subdued affair. Likely it would all blow over before the next Sunday lunch gathering, but it had soured the atmosphere in our house completely. Probably why I’d ended up texting Jonah earlier today whilst I was in lesson asking if I could see him after school. I needed an outlet. Some way of dealing with how I felt.
Here we were, sat across from each other in the same café he’d brought me to the first time we’d hung out. This time we only had drinks. I’d cupped my mug in my hand and was staring down into my tea.
“Did something happen?” he asked when we’d been sitting there in silence for at least five minutes.
Everything had happened. It wasn’t just my family. It was the boy in front of me too. Before everything went to complete shit on Sunday, I’d enjoyed our back and forth banter a little too much. I’d tried not to text him since my feelings towards Jonah were all kinds of messed up, but I couldn’t help it. My mind was too full and he told me to let him know if I needed to talk.
“Just a full-blown shouting match between my grandma and my parents on Sunday.”
I looked up, finding Jonah frowning heavily at me. A part of me wondered if it was because I hadn’t told him about it until now, a full three days after it happened. He had told me to tell him if it got too much. It had. And I’d not reached out.
You were too messed up over it all and dealing with the aftermath.
I told myself that, but it didn’t stop the pit of guilt forming in my stomach. Why the hell did I even care so much anyway? We were still getting to know each other. It was unlikely he was that invested already.
You know that’s bullshit. Jonah’s the type of person who doesn’t offer friendship lightly.
I was seriously a mess over him and we’d barely even started down the road to being friends. What was happening to me?
“About what?”
“Oh well, Grandma was being her usual interfering-self, questioning how we were being raised, giving Mum shit and, as predicted, brought up the Andie thing.”
“She sounds a bit like my grandma.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Oh yeah? She bad too?”
Jonah nodded, circling a finger around the rim of his mug. I don’t think he was doing it consciously, but it was distracting. I had to stop looking at his hands. I just had to plain stop looking at Jonah in all the ways I shouldn’t.
“She’s very judgemental about everyone and everything.”
“So is mine. Don’t think she was very happy when Quinn forcibly ejected her from our house. He full-on told her she wasn’t welcome any longer.”
My eyes flicked up to Jonah again. He cocked his head to the side and appraised me with an expression I couldn’t read.
“He actually kicked her out the house?”
“Yeah, it’ll blow over and she’ll be back next month. Not like it hasn’t happened before.”
“I didn’t realise your family was so…”
“Fucked up and crazy?”
I saw him hide a smile as he bit his lip.
“Not quite what I was thinking, but it’ll do.”
I leant back in my chair and glanced around. The café wasn’t very busy. I liked it. It was quiet and unpretentious. No one was looking at us, which made me feel safe.
“Does your grandma accept you?”
I don’t know why I ask
ed that. Perhaps it was something in his voice when he mentioned her.
“She says she does, then proceeds to make snide remarks like referring to anyone who’s not straight as ‘those people’ as if we’re some kind of lesser human beings.”
“Well, that’s shit.”
“I ignore it. No point arguing. She was born in the wrong era. She blatantly thinks we should be back in the days where being gay was a crime.”
I had no idea that’s what Jonah had to put up with from his own family. I was lucky mine would accept us any way we came.
“That’s rough. I didn’t think people still had those sorts of attitudes. Don’t think mine would bat an eyelid about one of us coming out. My dad is pan and Xav is bi. It’s no big deal in our household.”
Jonah’s eyes widened slightly.
“Oh really? I had no idea.”
I almost smiled. No one did because people were too busy talking about my mum’s polyamorous relationship with my dads.
“Xav and Dad have been best friends since they were kids and well, they’re also together, but it didn’t happen until after they met Mum.”
I don’t think Jonah knew what to say. He stared at me as if I’d told him I’d jumped over the moon or something.
“Your family is complicated.”
“You’re telling me.”
He waved a hand and looked a little contrite.
“I’m not judging, you know. It’s cool that they’re so open.”
“I know.”
It got me thinking. Mostly about myself and my feelings towards Jonah because, by now, I had to admit they weren’t exactly on the spectrum of just being friendly. It made me feel all kinds of crazy. I’d never felt this way about someone who wasn’t of the opposite sex. My rather fleeting crushes on girls had made me sure I was straight. Jonah made that surety fly right out the window. And it terrified me. Not because there was anything wrong with me finding another boy attractive. That wasn’t even a thing since I’d grown up with two parents who weren’t straight. No, it was the impact it would have on my life.
I hadn’t told Jonah the true extent of the bullying I received at school. Aurora, Duke and even Cole were able to defend themselves against the taunting. I wasn’t. At all. It upset me far more than I ever let on. Even to Duke. To be honest, it made me hate myself even though none of it was my fault.
When you get people constantly putting you down for being the product of some sick, twisted relationship which was unnatural, it begins to sink into your bones. The feeling of worthlessness eats away at your self-identity. You begin to think they’re right. That you should never have been born.
I couldn’t imagine how much worse it would get if they knew I was something other than straight. These feelings I had towards Jonah? Well, they couldn’t happen. I couldn’t be anything that would give the bullies like Miles more ammunition to use against me. I was already drowning under the intense waves of self-loathing and despair.
My parents weren’t exactly innocent people. They were killers. All five of them had blood on their hands. The knowledge fed into my twisted view of myself. Made me crave normality so people couldn’t say shit about me any longer. But I wasn’t normal. My family wasn’t fucking well normal. And I hated myself for even thinking those things. For resenting the fact I wasn’t born into a household with two parents who weren’t murderers.
I loved my parents. So damn much. I respected the hell out of them for their relationship. They were loving, kind and caring, but they were all dark too. So fucking dark. A part of me was scared of them after they told me the truth. Scared of what they were capable of. Scared of what they would have to do if their past ever came back to haunt them. I was just plain fucking terrified of everything rushing through my mind because it was screwed up.
“Raphael, are you okay?”
I jolted in my seat. My eyes flicked to Jonah who was looking at me with concern. How long had I been sitting here saying nothing?
Crap.
“I am… sort of.” I let out a sigh and rubbed my face. “No, I’m not okay. I’m… I’m really… fucked up.”
“What makes you say that?”
Why did he have to look at me like that? As if he just wanted to help me. Jonah had become part of the bloody problem and yet I didn’t want to stop talking to him. Didn’t want to stop being around him. He had this calming presence, especially when he touched me. I’d never met anyone who just exuded peace and serenity. It made me want to be closer. To hold on to him.
Jesus, you know that can’t happen.
“I don’t really like myself,” I all but whispered.
Jonah leant forward and reached out, placing his hand over mine. My whole body went tense at the warmth of his skin against mine. The understanding in his eyes almost broke me clean in two.
“Do you want to tell me why you feel that way?”
He made me want to tell him just by being himself. By the way he’d been there for me.
“I’m not normal.”
“No?”
I shook my head.
“I told you about the bullying. It’s every single day. Sometimes small things like people muttering ‘your mum’s a whore’ under their breath, shoving me in the corridors, calling me a freak, four-eyes, nerd. One person said they bet my sister would follow in my mum’s footsteps. It’s constant and it’s exhausting. Duke knows about it, but he doesn’t know how bad it is. No one does.”
I stared down at our hands, my heart sinking with every word I spoke. The back of my neck was clammy. I felt completely uncomfortable in my own skin.
“All I can do is ignore it, but it gets to me. Their words get inside my head and I can’t stop these messed up thoughts about myself. Some days I feel so alone, I cry myself to sleep, which is embarrassing to admit.”
Jonah’s hand left mine. I looked up, finding him getting up. He walked around the table and took a seat next to me. I stared at him as he reached forward and took both of my hands, holding them in his. They shook from my frayed nerves and his closeness.
“What thoughts?” he murmured, leaning ever closer.
My breath got caught in my throat. I had to swallow before I spoke.
“That I’m worthless and I should never have been born.”
“You know neither of those things are true.”
I nodded. The logical and rational part of my brain knew that, but it didn’t stop those thoughts from taking over. Didn’t stop me feeling like I was nothing and nobody.
“My parents told me some really fucked up stuff about themselves,” I blurted out the next moment. “It’s made it worse. So much… worse. I can’t look at them the same way. I can’t… I can’t talk to them about it either. I just feel… alone… so… alone.”
Those light green eyes held all this compassion in them. I almost got whiplash from staring into them. Jonah understood. He saw me. I don’t think I’d ever really been seen before. Not like that. Not in the way he did.
“You’re not alone anymore. I’m here.”
The pounding of my heart hammered in my ears, making them ring. He was so close. I couldn’t stop the onslaught of emotion driving through every inch of me. It’s like he was everywhere, flooding all of my senses and forcing me into admitting everything to myself.
I like you, Jonah. I like you too much. And I hate it. I can’t afford to like you in that way. I can’t.
He was my friend’s older brother. And a boy.
It didn’t stop me from wanting him to stay. From needing his presence. Because somehow through admitting to my problems to Jonah, he’d become important to me. I couldn’t let go now.
“You promise?”
“Yeah, Raphael, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter Ten
I had to hold myself back from pulling Raphael into my arms and soothing him. His green eyes were wide with a mixture of fear and misery. The sight of his brokenness made my heart ac
he. The way he talked about himself with such venom and horror in his voice had my stomach in knots. He’d been made to feel like crap by kids who probably saw him as an easy target to pick on. He didn’t deserve any of the shit being thrown his way. Especially not because idiots refused to try to understand his parents and their relationship.
I made the promise I wouldn’t leave him because I couldn’t not. Even though we’d only spent a little time together, I was attached. Probably a little too much, but it’s not like we’d been complete strangers the day I’d found him crying in the toilets. There was just something about him. Perhaps it’s the stuff I recognised in myself. Like internalising your suffering because the people you care about need you to be strong for them. I could see how everything with Duke, his grandmother and his parents had worn him down. Made him feel like he couldn’t open up to them. And how the bullying had all but ruined his own self-image. I felt for Raphael. For all of his pain. I wanted to help him. I wanted to make it go away, so he didn’t have such a sad look in his eyes and the waves of misery didn’t roll off him, slamming into my chest instead.
I wanted to take his pain away even if it meant I got hurt in the process.
“I feel stupid admitting all of this to you,” he said in a quiet voice.
“Why?”
I didn’t think any less of him. If anything, his vulnerability with me only made me like him more. I wasn’t going to kid myself into thinking he would ever like me back. Especially when he tugged his hands out of mine, his eyes darting away. I couldn’t help but feel the loss of contact keenly. It made my chest ache. I pulled my hands back, settling them in my own lap and trying not to take it personally. He was clearly feeling embarrassed for having admitted some of his darkest thoughts to me.
“I don’t want you to think badly of me.”
“I would never… you haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I can’t even stand up for myself. My parents would be disappointed in me if they knew.”