by Sarah Bailey
“I don’t want to ruin my friendship with him.”
It was the only safe answer. It’s not like I could tell Xav I was being bullied and I was terrified of what would happen if people at school found out I wasn’t straight.
All I wanted was to be normal.
I wasn’t normal and I certainly didn’t fit in anywhere. Sometimes I didn’t feel like I fit into my own family. Aurora wanted to follow in our parents’ footsteps and work at their casino, the Syndicate. Duke didn’t know what he wanted out of life, but I couldn’t blame him with everything he’d been through. They didn’t have the same problems I did about my parents’ past. They fit into this life just fine. Then there was me, who wanted to go to university to learn more about the environment and how I could make things better for the world. I didn’t stand up to people. I didn’t like confrontation. And I didn’t feel like I was who my parents expected me to be. I had too much of Dad in me, but not in the ways that mattered in this family. He had a much tougher skin than I did. He was more logical and didn’t let his emotions run his life.
Dad loved me, but sometimes I wasn’t sure if he was proud of who I was becoming.
“Well, that I understand all too well with me and your dad’s situation. He didn’t want to ruin things between us. And honestly, I don’t blame him. Not sure I wouldn’t have done the same in his position.”
“I need him as a friend more than anything else. And I don’t know about my… sexuality. It’s confusing for me. I’ve always seen myself as straight.”
“If that’s how you feel, then it’s okay. You don’t have to have it all worked out right now. If you’re not ready to explore these things, you don’t have to. It’s you who decides who you are, no one else. If you want to keep identifying as straight, it’s your choice, okay? But know I’m here for you if and when you decide it’s not the case any longer.”
This was exactly why I’d come to Xav. He didn’t push or judge.
“But I do think you should have a conversation about your dad about this.”
I sighed.
“I know.”
He wrapped his other arm around me and I hugged him back. Xav gave the best hugs in the world. Maybe it was because he was huge and bear-like. It meant I felt safe and secure with him. Mum once said he was her protector, keeping her from falling apart completely.
“You’re my dad as much as he is,” I whispered into his shoulder.
“Don’t make me start getting emotional, monkey.”
“It’s true though.”
He patted my back but said no more. He didn’t have to. It was my way of telling him how much he meant to me. How much I loved him.
When we pulled apart, he smiled and ruffled my hair.
“Any more serious questions?”
“No. I should really go get on with my homework.”
He nodded. I stood up and walked over to the door, opening it wide. Standing outside was my dad with his hand raised to knock. He looked a little startled when he saw me.
“Raphi.”
“Dad.”
He peered around me at Xav, his eyebrow quirking up.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just having a chat is all.”
Dad looked at me with a strange expression on his face. Instead of allowing him to question me, I stepped forward and hugged him. A second later, he wrapped his arms around me.
“I love you, Dad.”
I don’t know why I needed to say it. I just did. We were incredibly close, even if recently it hadn’t been the case. The distance between me and my parents felt vast. I hated it. I wanted to close the gap so I could confide in them and tell them how they’d made me feel.
“I love you too, monkey.”
I tried not to get choked up. My emotions were all over the place. It hurt so fucking much. I pulled myself together before I stepped back from him. Dad gave me a smile. It only made things worse for me.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, Dad, I’m fine.”
He stepped out of the way and I left Xav’s room, walking away towards the stairs. Before I reached them, I heard Dad’s voice filter along the hallway.
“What were you and monkey talking about?”
“Nothing much.”
“Xavi, if there’s something I should know…”
“There’s nothing, E. Now, did you want to see me for a particular reason?”
I hurried downstairs before I overheard any more. As much as I was grateful to Xav for keeping my secrets, it also made me feel shit. Forcing any of my parents to keep secrets from each other for my sake wasn’t something I ever wanted to do.
I promised myself I’d tell my dad how I was feeling when I was ready. When I worked how to deal with what was going on with me.
When I got to my room, I pulled out my phone and typed out a message. I shouldn’t have, but my heart was hurting too much.
I wanted him. To talk to him. I just wanted Jonah.
Chapter Twelve
Mum walked into the kitchen just as I was pulling dinner out of the oven. Everyone was home this evening for once. I didn’t mind taking on the responsibility for making sure Meredith got fed, but I resented the fact my mum hadn’t started giving a shit a year after our dad had passed. With me being seventeen going on eighteen, she assumed I was old enough to take care of everyone. Even though Grandma didn’t approve of my sexuality, she took more of an interest in mine and Meredith’s wellbeing than Mum did.
“That smells nice.”
I looked over at her.
“Thanks.”
She cocked her head to the side as she appraised me with an icy stare.
“Are you okay, Jonah?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Would you set the table or is that too much for you to manage?”
It’s not like I wanted to resent my own mother, but I did. Things had been strained between us since the night she’d confessed her true feelings. I hadn’t done what she wanted and forgiven her. In the intervening months, I’d only grown colder towards her. Now, it was hard to keep myself from being outwardly hostile.
She frowned and crossed her arms over her chest.
“Is that any way to speak to me?”
“Let’s see, Mum, do you think it’s okay to make your seventeen-year-old son take care of his younger sister all the time because you don’t give a shit about us?”
I wasn’t usually confrontational, but she’d been rubbing me up the wrong way for months. After I’d told Raphael the truth, Mum’s presence only irritated me further. I’d had enough.
“I see you’re in a mood.”
She huffed and walked over to the cupboards, pulling out plates, cutlery and glasses. I wasn’t going to apologise even though I probably should. Being around her was fucking exhausting. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate to deal with.
My phone buzzed on the counter. I snatched it up before she had a chance to glance over at it. I ignored her pointed stare as she carried the plates over to the kitchen table. My heart skipped a beat when I saw who it was.
Raphael: I feel like shit.
Jonah: Why?
Raphael: I lied to my dad about being okay. I’m not. It’s like every time I see him, my heart starts hurting. I wish I could talk to him like I used to.
As much as hearing from Raphael made me smile when he told me things like this, it made my heart hurt too. I hated how much he suffered.
Raphael: Sometimes I feel like you’re the only person I can talk to.
Jonah: I wish I could do more for you.
Raphael: In what way?
Jonah: I want to take your pain away.
The moment I said it, I knew I shouldn’t have. The words exposed too much about me. Showed my feelings towards him. At least, I felt like they did.
“Are you going to bring that over then?”
I glanced up at Mum to find her staring at me expectantly.
“Need to get Grandma and Meredith.”
She walked away to the door and called for them. I tucked my phone in my pocket and took the dish over to the table, setting it on a mat so it wouldn’t burn the wood. Mum had, thankfully, set the table. I grabbed the bowl of salad I’d made next and brought it over as my sister and grandmother came in.
We all sat down and served ourselves. Meredith started talking to both Mum and Grandma, but I wasn’t paying attention. My mind was on Raphael. On what he thought about what I’d said since he’d not replied yet.
“Jonah?”
I looked up, finding Meredith staring at me expectantly.
“Sorry, what?”
“Grandma asked how school is.”
I looked over at our grandmother, who had a disapproving look on her face.
“Oh, um, it’s fine. Just busy since it’s my last year.”
I was looking forward to finishing and getting into university. It meant I could get as far away from here as possible. Even though now my plans had been thrown into question because if I got into a university outside of London, I’d be away from Raphael. The thought of it made my heart feel tight.
“Good. Are your teachers happy with your progress?” Grandma asked.
“Yeah, very happy. They think I’ll get my predicted grades.”
“I’m pleased to hear it.”
I dug into my food when she didn’t say anything further. This was how it went in our household. Grandma asked how school was. Mum pretty much ignored everything. Then the conversation between us petered out.
“Meredith, don’t stuff your face like that,” Grandma said, scowling at my sister. “It’s not polite.”
“I’m not,” Meredith retorted. “I’m eating normally.”
“You’re going to start putting on weight if you don’t slow down.”
“Hey, Grandma, don’t say stuff like that to her. She’s not overweight,” I said, hating how they’d started picking on her for no apparent reason.
It was another thing which drove me insane. Their insistence on giving Meredith a hard time.
“Maybe not now, but if she ever wants to find a good man, she needs to stay slim.”
I looked at my mum, trying to get her to say something, but she was staring down at her food.
“You’re going to give her a complex. She’s fine. I’m taking care of her.”
Grandma gave me a look. I looked after my sister the best I could. It’s all I ever did. Not like she was doing a good job of it. Meredith needed someone. So I took on the role of her parent in a lot of ways.
Meredith gave me a nudge as if to say thank you. I would always defend her. It also worried me I’d be leaving her alone here with them when I went away. Meredith understood. She wanted me to do well and fulfil my dream of becoming a psychologist. Raphael was right about one thing. Meredith did call me her superhero. She wanted me to save other people too. To rescue them when things got dark.
The only person I wanted to rescue right now was Raphael. Rescue him from himself.
My phone vibrated. No one gave a shit if I looked at it when I was at the table. I pulled it out.
Raphael: I wish you could too.
I stared at his words for a long time, my food forgotten. How did I answer that? It’s not like I could reveal my hand further or let on that I liked him. It would make things complicated.
Jonah: You sure you can’t talk to your dad about all of this?
It seemed safer to direct things back on him than start bringing my feelings into it.
Raphael: I don’t know. Maybe. It would mean I have to be honest about everything. I don’t think I’m ready for that.
“J, who are you texting?” Meredith whispered.
“No one,” I responded on automatic.
Jonah: Whatever they did, it must be bad for you to feel this way.
“It’s not no one. You’re concentrating pretty hard there.”
I glanced at my sister, who was giving me raised eyebrows.
“I told you, it’s no one and it’s also none of your business.”
Raphael: It is. Like properly messed up.
Jonah: I think you should talk to your dad if you can’t tell me.
“None of my business? You never keep anything from me.”
“Not everything is to do with you, Mer.”
She reached over and tried to snatch my phone out of my hand. I held it out of her reach.
“Come on, J, stop being so secretive.”
“Eat your dinner.”
She scowled at me but turned back to her food. I lowered my phone, keeping an eye on her in case she tried to grab it again. Mum and Grandma weren’t paying attention to either of us, which could only be a good thing considering Grandma would only give my sister shit for being ‘unladylike’.
Raphael: I know you’re right.
Raphael: Can I see you tomorrow?
Jonah: What did you want to do?
It was Saturday and I hadn’t made any plans. Seeing him would make my entire weekend, even if it would torture me at the same time.
Raphael: Don’t know yet. Just keep the afternoon free.
Jonah: I have the house to myself… if you want to hang out.
Meredith was going to Celia’s for a sleepover, Mum was going to see her friends and Grandma would be at Leonard’s place.
Raphael: Sounds good. Text me the address. Is 2pm okay?
Jonah: Yeah. I’ll pick a film or something.
Raphael: Just no horror!
Jonah: Don’t worry, I hate them too.
Raphael: I knew there was a reason why I liked you.
My heart raced out of control in my chest. I was not going to take this the wrong way, but him saying it did things to me.
“What’s with the smile on your face?” Meredith asked.
“Shut up, I’m not smiling.”
“Yes, you are. I haven’t seen you smile like that in forever.”
I put my hand to my lips, finding she was right.
Jonah: I’ve only been showing you my best side so you won’t run.
Raphael: Not going anywhere. Seeing you is like the highlight of my week.
Did he have any idea what he was doing to me? I didn’t think so or he wouldn’t say stuff like that.
Jonah: I feel the same way.
Raphael: Ugh, Mum is calling me for dinner. Text you later!
“Seriously, J, you’re like beaming right now. Oh my god! You’re texting a boy, aren’t you?”
I looked at Meredith. Her green eyes were wide with excitement.
“No. I’m not.”
“I don’t believe you. You’re totally crushing on whoever you’re talking to.”
I rolled my eyes and went back to my food, stuffing my phone in my pocket. She could try to pry the information out of me, but I wouldn’t break. For starters, I’d made a promise to Raphael and I was going to keep it.
“I’m going to find out exactly who it is,” she continued. “You’ve never liked anyone before. This is huge.”
“I don’t have a crush on anyone, don’t start getting ridiculous ideas in your head.”
She waved her fork at me.
“Okay, I get it, you’re feeling shy about it. That’s okay.”
“I am not.”
“You’re protesting too much, means you’ve got a massive crush.”
I ignored her. Meredith knew me too well. I wasn’t going to give her any further ammunition. It didn’t matter if she was right about me having a crush on Raphael. She couldn’t find out about it. No one could. Raphael and I were secret friends, and it would stay that way if I was going to keep him in my life. And I wanted him in it… desperately.
Chapter Thirteen
I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans when the doorbell rang. Even though I’d told myself I had nothing to be nervous about, it didn’t stop my anxiety. Having the boy I was beginning to h
ave serious feelings for in my house and soon, in my room was terrifying, nerve-racking and exciting all rolled into one.
Raphael was fiddling with his glasses when I opened the door. My mouth went dry at the sight of him out of his school uniform. Not that I hadn’t seen him like this before, but it felt different. His other hand was stuck in his jean’s pocket and he had a navy pea coat on.
“Hey,” he said with a smile when he saw me.
His chestnut hair was a tad windswept which gave him this rakish appearance. I felt tongue-tied, but I had to say something.
“Hi, please come in.”
I stepped back, allowing him to walk in before I shut the door behind us.
“No family today?” he asked as he shrugged out of his coat.
I took it from him and hung it up on the rack.
“No, Mer is at Celia’s. Mum and Grandma are out.”
We stood in the hallway awkwardly for a moment before I started towards the stairs. When I reached the bottom step, I looked back, finding he was still in the same place.
“You coming?”
“To… to your room?”
“Um, yeah.”
He looked nervous and unsure of himself as if being alone with me in my room wasn’t something he’d been expecting. I had a very good reason for not wanting to hang out in the living room to watch a film. Perhaps if I showed him, he’d understand. Instead of going upstairs, I changed tack and walked towards the living room. After a minute, Raphael followed me. When we both got in the room, I dug my hands into my pockets.
“We can sit in here if you want, but you might want to try out the sofa before you make a decision.”
I almost shuddered at the sight of the pink monstrosity. Mum bought it not long after Dad died. I don’t know why Grandma allowed it since it was the vilest thing I’d ever laid eyes on.
Raphael looked between the sofa and me for a moment. His nose scrunched up. I bit my lip, trying not to smile. He gingerly moved towards it and sat down.
“This is…”
“The worst sofa in the history of sofas and should be burnt in the fiery pits of hell?”
He jumped up and turned around, frowning down at it.
“More like a torture device. Who buys something like this?”