by Sarah Bailey
He shook his head.
“Only you can decide whether it’s the right time or not. Yes, it could be a mistake, but that’s the risk you take. Don’t let fear of a bad outcome stop you if you really want something.”
I looked down at my hands. The only thing which scared me was fucking up royally with Jonah. I was worried about how possessive over him I’d become. Worried about how my own inability to fix myself could get in the way. Every part of this scared me. But did it scare me enough not to try?
“Sometimes I struggle with who I am,” I said, my voice rather quiet in the busy restaurant. “And it makes me scared of taking risks.”
“Struggle in what way?”
I took a sip of my drink, trying to work out what else to say. How to even explain it. It’s not a subject I’d broached with any of my parents before. Only with Duke and Jonah. Even they didn’t know the full extent of it. Mostly because I was ashamed of how much I hated myself for the way I was. It’s like no matter what I did, I couldn’t see myself in a positive light.
“My own self-identity.”
“You know you don’t have to label yourself, right?”
“It’s not that, Dad. It’s…” Everything. Absolutely everything. All the horrific thoughts I have about myself. The way I can’t seem to do anything right. How I’ve hurt people I care about. How I know I’m going to keep doing it because I’m too fucked up to be good for anyone. “It’s not the way other people see me. It’s how I see me.”
He frowned.
“How do you see yourself?”
“Not in a good way.”
I didn’t feel great admitting it to him, but I didn’t want to lie either. It’s not as if I wanted him to do something about it. It had always been my burden to carry. My fucking burden which was beginning to drive me insane. Coping with all these negative emotions had worn on me. It only reinforced my feelings towards myself. The feeling of worthlessness since I couldn’t even deal with my own fucked up bullshit.
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“Long enough.”
“Raphi…”
“Years, I’ve felt this way for years. I’m only telling you because I feel like I need to start being honest… and I really don’t want you to tell Mum. She already worries about me enough.”
His green eyes were full of his own worry, but there was understanding there too.
“I won’t talk to her about this.”
“I don’t know how to change how I feel.”
The waitress came over, interrupting us so he couldn’t respond. Dad thanked her as she set our plates down. I immediately started putting sauce on my plate because I was starving. Trudging around a shopping centre could be tiring.
“Have you ever thought about getting some help?” Dad asked after I’d started tucking in.
“What kind of help?”
“Like therapy or counselling.”
I looked down at my plate. It had never crossed my mind.
“No. I don’t want to do that.”
Not when I had Jonah. He said he’d help me. I trusted him. I didn’t trust some random stranger.
“It helped Rory.”
“Are you really comparing what he went through to me being unable to see myself in a positive light?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. Counselling isn’t just for people who’ve been through trauma, Raphi.”
“I know, but it’s not something I’m comfortable with… I don’t want to talk to a stranger.”
He cocked his head to the side.
“Okay, it was just a suggestion.”
I shook my head and continued to eat. If he was expecting me to just jump at the opportunity, he was mistaken.
“I want to help you, monkey, you know that, right?”
I nodded, swallowing my mouthful.
“I’ll be okay.”
“You don’t have to go through this alone. You’ve always been so independent and closed off. I let it be because that’s what I thought was best, but I’m your dad and I can’t help worrying. I care deeply about your wellbeing.”
His words only made me feel like shit for keeping this from him. For not having the courage to be open and honest. That was my problem. I had something to prove which meant I tried to deal with everything myself. Things always seemed to come easier for my siblings than for me. They were confident and had no problem going after what they wanted. That trait had skipped over me. I wanted to make my parents proud and instead, I ended up feeling as though I was always disappointing them.
“I know, Dad.”
He reached across the table and took my hand.
“You’re never on your own. I’m right here if you need me. Just remember that.”
I nodded, not knowing what else to say. Not as if I could promise I’d get better. All I could do was try. Try to be a better person even though deep down, I didn’t know how.
One thing our conversation had made clear to me was the need to stop being so afraid, to be honest.
“Dad…”
“Yes, monkey?”
“You remember I once told you my heart was broken over… over a boy?”
“I do.”
I looked away as he retracted his hand.
“We’ve been talking again. I invited him to Xav’s birthday.”
“I take it he was your visitor last night and this morning.”
“Yes, we’re just friends though. I want to introduce him to all of you, but I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about us.”
I might want Jonah to be mine, but I wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone else except Duke yet. I had to take things one step at a time.
“Okay, if you say you’re friends then I believe you. Does this boy have a name?”
“That’s the thing, Dad, I don’t know how Cole is going to feel about this.”
“Why would it have anything to do with Cole?”
I sighed and set my cutlery down.
“It’s Meredith’s older brother, Jonah, and he had something to do with their break-up. I promise he’s a good person, he’s just protective of his sister is all. I’m sure you can understand.”
“I see. Well, I don’t think your brother is going to be particularly happy, but it’s not about him.”
Dad was right. Cole had accepted what Jonah had said about him and Meredith. He was the one who’d broken up with Meredith. I could keep Jonah away from Cole for the night somehow.
“I just don’t want anyone to give him a hard time.”
“Hey, hey, no one is going to do that, monkey. I’ll talk to the others, okay?”
I nodded.
“Make sure you tell them we’re just friends, yeah? Nothing else is going on.”
The lie made my throat tight, but I wasn’t ready to cross that bridge yet.
“I will. I’m looking forward to meeting him since he must be important for you to be so concerned over what we’re going to think.”
I felt my face grow hot. I wasn’t worried as Dad would really like Jonah.
“He is. I’m lucky to have him as a friend.”
“If he’s anything like his sister, I’m sure we’ll all love him.”
I almost snorted. Jonah was the opposite of Meredith. Whilst she was loud and out there, Jonah was quiet and introspective. It’s what I liked the most about him. He didn’t feel the need to fill the silence.
“You’ll just have to wait and see.”
Dad smiled at me and I hoped everything would be okay. After all, I felt like I’d finally made up my mind about the boy I’d invited to Xav’s birthday. Even if I wasn’t ready to tell everyone else, I could tell Jonah. I could make him mine if he was okay with it being kept quiet. He’d told me he’d take me any way he could have me. It wouldn’t be forever.
I’ll tell him next week. I’ll make him mine then.
Just a little longer, cuore mio. I’m only going
to keep you waiting a little longer, then I promise, I’ll be with you even if I don’t deserve you.
Somehow I’d have to silence those doubts and try. Because all I could do was try. He was worth trying for. He was worth… everything.
Chapter Twenty Eight
I took a deep breath as I walked up to the Syndicate. Meeting Raphi’s parents made me more nervous than I thought it would. The worst thing was knowing I would have to see Cole and the last time that had happened, it hadn’t gone very well. I felt responsible for pushing him into breaking up with Meredith. Seeing how much pain it had caused her only made me regret my choices. The whole thing hadn’t made me feel good about myself considering a lot of my complaints about her boyfriend were all mixed up with his brother.
I walked into the non-descript looking building with the sign ‘The Syndicate’ in red lettering above the door. There was a reception area. I walked up to the desk. The lady behind it gave me a smile.
“Hello, welcome to the Syndicate. How can I help?”
“Hi, I’m here for, um, Xavier’s birthday party.”
“Oh yes, could I take your name please?”
I shifted on my feet.
“Jonah Pope.”
She scanned something on her computer screen for a moment then gave me a nod. I imagined Raphi had put me on the guest list.
“If you go through the doors and take the lift up to the second floor, the restaurant is on the left.”
“Thank you.”
I went through the doors she’d indicated and found there was a lift already waiting. Hopping in, I pressed the button for the second floor and the door closed. My fingers tapped on the mirrored walls as I leant back. I resisted the urge to text Raphi and ask him to meet me outside. It was being cowardly. I just didn’t like crowds and I wasn’t sure how many people would be at this party.
The doors slid open when the lift stopped on the right floor. I walked out, hearing music. I followed it, walking to the left and glancing up at the name of the restaurant.
The Underworld.
It made me smile a little considering it reminded me of Raphi’s parents’ past.
The room was rather busy as I walked in. It made my pulse spike. Taking a deep breath, I looked around, seeing if I could spot Raphi. All the tables had been pushed back to make a clear space in the middle of the room. Near the bar area, several people stood in a group next to a table with what looked like presents and a cake on it. One of them, a tall man with greying dark hair kept looking over at the cake with disapproval. Next to him was a short blonde woman who had her arm wrapped around his waist. She was talking to two other men, one with auburn hair and the other, a carbon copy of Raphi but his chestnut hair was greying. The last man stood next to Cole and they looked almost exactly alike. Aurora, Duke and Raphi stood off away from them, seemingly deep in conversation.
Raphi’s family. I took a second to take them in before I made a beeline for them. I wiped my sweaty palms against my dark jeans. No one else looked like they were too dressed up. I breathed a sigh of relief about my attire.
Duke spied me first and smirked before nudging his brother. It made my face grow hot since it was quite obvious Raphi had told him what was going on between us. The moment Raphi saw me, his smile made my heart squeeze in my chest. He looked so fucking happy to see me, I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. He then eyed his brother and said something to him I couldn’t hear which prompted Duke to laugh and Raphi to give him a dark look.
Raphi moved away from his family and met me a few feet away.
“You made it.”
“I said I’d come,” I replied, giving him a smile.
“I’m glad you’re here. I’ll introduce you to my parents.”
He started to reach his hand out to mine, but then thought better of it and snatched it back. I didn’t know what to make of it. I followed him over to his parents, who all looked over at us.
“This is my friend, Jonah.” He waved at me. “J, these are my parents, Quinn, Ash, Xav, Eric and Rory.” He indicated each of them in turn. “And you know my siblings already.”
The first person to step forward was Raphi’s dad, Eric who gave me a smile and shook my hand.
“It’s nice to meet you. Monkey tells me you’re studying psychology.”
I glanced at Raphi who was still smiling. I found it adorable how his parents had a nickname for him.
“Yes, it’s my last year after the summer.”
“And do you have plans after that?”
“I want to do a postgraduate doctorate. It takes another three years but then I’ll be able to work as a counsellor.”
I hadn’t exactly told Raphi about it. Neither had I said I planned on returning to London to get my doctorate. It was a conversation for a later date considering I had no idea what we were to each other.
I didn’t know what Raphi had said to his parents about me but they were all smiling as if I hadn’t fucked up their youngest son’s relationship. Cole, on the other hand, had moved away towards Duke and Aurora. I couldn’t blame him. Eventually, I would apologise for what happened when he was more open to it.
“Interesting. Aurora’s boyfriend’s uncle is a psychotherapist.”
“Is Logan coming tonight?” Raphi asked.
“I think so.”
Raphi leant closer to me.
“If he does turn up, expect some tension between him and Quinn,” he murmured.
Xav stepped forward, the auburn-haired man who looked a lot like Duke.
“So, you’re Raphi’s secret late-night visitor.”
“Xavier, behave,” Raphi’s mum, Ash, hissed.
Raphi’s ears went red. I was pretty sure I wasn’t much better as the memory of the way he’d fucked me flashed through my mind.
Not now, brain, not now!
“That’s me,” I said, with a nervous laugh.
“I would say ignore him as he’s always like this but it is his birthday,” Raphi said, giving Xav a dark look.
“Oh, monkey, I’m just playing,” Xav said, ruffling Raphi’s hair. He stuck a hand out to me. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too,” I replied. “And happy birthday.”
Xav gave me a grin and a wink.
“Getting old like this lot. Well, our girl isn’t yet fifty but we’ll throw her a big do then.”
“Still five years away, tesoro,” Ash said as she stepped forward, placing a hand on Xav’s arm.
He leant down and kissed her forehead.
“And you’re still as beautiful as the day we met, angel.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere with me tonight.”
Raphi rolled his eyes and inched closer to me.
“Excuse them and their lovey-dovey shit.”
“It’s okay,” I said, giving him a smile.
His parents clearly loved each other. And it didn’t escape my notice Ash had called Xav, tesoro. I hadn’t yet looked up what Raphi had called me but now I knew for sure where he’d got it from. His mother.
Ash let go of Xav and took my hand, giving it a firm shake.
“My son failed to mention how much you look like your sister. How is Meredith?”
“She’s fine, I’ve been helping her prepare for uni.”
“I’m happy to hear it.”
It didn’t feel awkward to talk about her since Cole was out of earshot. Ash shifted closer to Raphi who leant down to allow her to speak to him.
“He’s rather handsome, monkey,” she murmured.
“Mum!” Raphi hissed, his blush spreading from his ears to his cheeks.
“I’m just saying.”
She patted his arm and moved away towards the cake table. Now I was close enough I could see it was shaped like breasts.
Well, that’s… I don’t know what to say about it.
It’s not like I didn’t appreciate female beauty, but this was a little in your face.
“The cake is Dad’s idea of a joke. Xav loves it, but he’s got the dirtiest mind imaginable. Quinn doesn’t approve,” Raphi said when he noticed me staring at it.
“No?”
“He accused Dad of indulging Xav’s childish behaviour and questioned what their employees would think but loads of people have taken photos and laughed about it.”
“Your family is quite something.”
Raphi’s fingers brushed over mine. The small touch made me swallow and want more. So much more. The thought of us tangled together was never far from my mind. His closeness did a number on me. A week of being apart felt like too long.
You’re a mess, you know that? You promised him you’d wait for him to make a decision.
I might have promised that, but it didn’t stop impatience from rearing its ugly head. It didn’t feel good to be stuck in limbo with him like this.
“They’re one of a kind. We should say hello to Rory and Quinn.”
Those two had moved closer to each other. Raphi directed me towards them. They both looked over at the same time wearing joint expressions of curiosity.
“You waiting for Xav to cut the cake so you can have a slice?” Raphi asked.
Quinn gave his son a dark look.
“E and Xav have been wearing off on you too much.”
“Quinn just hates sipping from a dick straw,” Rory said with a smile.
“Oh, shut up. I should never have let E be in charge of decorations.”
I stifled a smile and Raphi shared a look with Rory.
“Anyway, enough about dicks, it’s nice to meet a friend of monkey’s.” Quinn extended his hand to me so I shook it. “Raphi is notorious for keeping his life private. This is a rare occurrence.”
“If I didn’t, then Mum would be on my case even more than she already is,” Raphi said. “Roll on September is all I can say.”
Rory gave Raphi a sympathetic look whilst Quinn grinned.
“Your mother is a force to be reckoned with. How else do you think she deals with the four of us and four kids?”
“I’d rather not think about how she deals with you four.”
Quinn chuckled and Rory looked outright amused.
“I’ll spare you the details, unlike Xav.”