by Sarah Bailey
I couldn’t lie to him. He was right. It did hurt me.
“I’ve told you why. You are worth it. You’re worth everything. I’ll go through all the pain because I want you. I need you.”
His body shook as he paced the room. His hands kept fisting and un-fisting. I could see how worked up he was. How everything was crumbling around him and he could do nothing to stop it. Neither could I.
“You can’t do that to yourself. It’s not fair. You deserve more. So much more. I can’t give you a happy, normal life, J. I can’t. I’m not capable of it. I’m fucking selfish for keeping you when I don’t deserve you.”
My heart shattered at his words. How could he think he didn’t deserve me?
What a stupid question! He thinks that because he hates himself. He doesn’t think he deserves anything good.
“You’re not selfish. I’m here with you because I want to be. You’re not forcing me into staying in this relationship with you. I get to decide who I’m with. I want you. I’ve always wanted you no matter how hard it is.”
It was the plain and simple truth of the matter. I didn’t care what kind of pain I had to suffer. I didn’t care about anything other than him.
“I can’t let you do that. I can’t… I’m not worth it.”
“Yes, you are. You’re worth it to me.”
I felt like I was grasping at straws here. Trying to convince someone who’d already made up their mind. I could feel it. Feel him slipping away from me with every passing second.
“No. You think that now, but I’m just going to drag you down. I’m just going to ruin you and I can’t do that to you. I just can’t.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t take this. My feet carried me towards him, stopping his pacing when I stood in front of him. I took him by the arms and held him in place, forcing him to meet my eyes.
“You are worthy of me. You’re fucking worthy of anyone you want. You think you’re not, but that’s because you don’t see yourself like I do. Fuck, Raphi, I love you. I love everything about you. I don’t care about your broken parts. I don’t even care if you hate yourself because I love you. I love you enough for both of us.”
He blinked. More tears ran down his cheeks and I realised they’d started falling down mine too. I just wanted him to let me hold him and make him feel better.
“I love you.”
He let out this heart-wrenching sigh as if it was pulled from his chest by force.
“Love isn’t enough. If it was, we wouldn’t be here.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I love you too.”
My heart squeezed hard in my chest. He was admitting it. He said it. He loved me.
“But if you think it changes anything, you’re wrong. It doesn’t fix what’s wrong with me. It doesn’t suddenly make this huge difference because you and I have loved each other since we were fifteen and seventeen. Love isn’t enough to make everything okay.”
His words left a bitter taste in my mouth. How could he think love wasn’t enough?
“It is enough. If you’ve loved me that long, then it’s enough. We belong together. You’re it for me. You always have been.”
The saddest of smiles graced his face. And I knew right then when he walked out of the door, he would break me.
“You think that now, J, but I can’t give you everything you deserve. I’m too broken.”
“You already give me everything I want because it’s you. All I want is you. I love you.”
He stepped back from me, forcing me to drop my hands from his arms.
“It’s because I love you so much I have to do this.” His words came out half whispered with agony lacing each one of them. “I have to set you free.”
“I don’t want to be free. I don’t fucking well need that. I just need you.”
He wasn’t listening to me. It felt like nothing I said made any difference. Every part of me hurt with the knowledge Raphi was leaving me. He was fucking well saying goodbye because he thought it was for my own good. Nothing about it was for my own good. I wouldn’t be okay without him.
“I’m sorry.”
He reached up and cupped my cheek, making me choke on my own tears.
“Don’t do this,” I whispered.
He leant towards me. The moment our lips met, I fucking died. They were salty from our tears. My hands curled into his hair, tugging him closer as his tongue slid into my mouth. The desperate way we kissed each other was heart-breaking. It was fucking soul-destroying. It hurt way worse than anything else. Because this was the last time I’d kiss this boy. The very fucking last time I’d have him in my arms. Touching his skin.
I couldn’t stop him from leaving me. I couldn’t because Raphi wouldn’t let it happen. He thought he was saving me by letting me go. I didn’t want to be saved. I wanted him.
“Don’t leave me,” I whimpered against his mouth. “Please. You said you wouldn’t run.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, sorry isn’t good enough. Don’t do this.”
“I love you, Jonah. I love you so much.”
I didn’t want to hear that either. I didn’t want to hear it because it decimated me. Love wasn’t enough. Love wasn’t fucking well enough for him.
“Don’t.”
He pulled away and stared into my eyes.
“I’ll always love you, but I want you to be with someone who deserves you even if it kills me to say that. You deserve someone who appreciates you and is proud to be yours. Who shows the world you’re his everything. I’m not that man and I don’t know if I ever will be. It won’t stop me loving you or wishing everything was different, but I’m not going to be selfish any longer. I’m not going to keep you when I know it’s wrong to have you.”
His hands dropped and he turned, walking away from me towards the door.
“If… if you walk out that’s it, Raphi. That’s it. I won’t forgive you for leaving me.”
I was lying, but right then, I was desperate. I needed him to stay. He would utterly destroy me if he walked out.
“Then I guess I’ll have to live with that too. I don’t deserve your love or forgiveness.” He sounded dejected and resigned.
“What do you mean, too?”
“I know what I’m doing, J. I’m breaking your heart and I hate myself for it, but you’re better off without me. You’ll see that in time.”
“No. No, I’m not better off without you. I’m not!”
“Goodbye, Jonah.”
I let him leave. I let him walk out on me because there was nothing left for me to say.
“I love you,” I sobbed, but he couldn’t hear me.
I stumbled backwards, my legs meeting the edge of my bed before I collapsed in a heap on it, burying my face in my hands. Agony ripped through my chest. I could hear my sobs echoing around my skull, but I didn’t care any longer. I didn’t care about anything other than my heart shattering over and over in my chest.
The boy I wanted so desperately to keep had left me. He’d left me because he couldn’t believe he deserved me even though he loved me and I loved him. It’s what hurt the most. The fact he loved me. We loved each other. And still… fucking still… he left.
Raphi was right about one thing. He was broken. Too fucking broken. But if he’d given me a chance... if he hadn’t made decisions like this for me, he’d have seen how I’d have stood by him through thick and thin. How I’d have endured. How I’d have got him help so he could start the long, arduous journey of learning how to cope and manage with his mental health problems.
I would have done anything for Raphael Nelson if only he’d have let me. If only he’d have stayed. If only he hadn’t walked out the door and destroyed everything we shared with each other. If only he hadn’t taken everything from me when he left me.
You have my heart and my soul, Raphi. You have everything of mine.
I’m nothing without you.
<
br /> Nothing at all.
Part IV
save
verb, saved, sav·ing.
to keep safe, intact, or unhurt; safeguard; preserve.
Chapter Forty
Six and a half years later
I walked out of my counsellor’s office with my head held high. Today was a milestone. A big one. I could finally say I was at peace with myself. And I didn’t need to see Marvin any longer.
I’d gone through a thousand and one struggles over the years. Days when I wanted to give up. Days when I never thought I’d get better. Days when I wanted the world to disappear. But I was here now at the end of a road I couldn’t believe I’d walked along. A journey to acceptance.
I smiled as my dad leant up against the car outside with his hands in his pockets.
“Hey, monkey.”
He didn’t have to be here to meet me. He wanted to get me after my last session and take me back to their house for Mum’s fifty-first birthday.
My dad had been my rock. All my parents had, but my dad was the one who picked me up when I hit rock bottom almost five years ago. It was not long after Cole left the country. Seeing how it affected my whole family. How it affected Meredith. How I knew what it would have done to him because she was his sister. It sent me spiralling. I lost it. Not something I was proud of.
I’d hidden my illness for so many years, denying its very existence. When I finally had the courage to get a real diagnosis, it didn’t come as a shock. Clinical depression. They tried several avenues to treat me, but nothing seemed to really help me. It was only after I finally asked Logan if his uncle, Jensen, could recommend a counsellor that we found something which worked for me. Seems ridiculous it was talking which helped the most, but it did. Talking. There was far more to it. After all, it had taken me years to find the right way to manage things with the help of medication and therapy.
My counsellor, Marvin, worked in Jensen’s private practice. Jensen himself didn’t practice any longer as he’d retired, but he still owned the place. My parents paid for my treatment. Not that initially I wanted them to, but they insisted. All they wanted was for me to be okay, so I allowed it. And it brought me to this moment.
I stepped up to my dad, who shoved off the car and gave me a hug.
“I’m proud of you,” he whispered.
“I am too.”
Proud for getting this far. For putting the work in. It seemed stupid this was my biggest life achievement, but it was.
He pulled back and smiled, ruffling my hair.
“So you should be.”
“Are you making Mum’s favourite?”
He walked around to the driver’s side, shaking his head.
“You know I am.”
I got in the passenger side after he opened his door and slid in.
“And did you make your cheesecake?”
“As if I would allow her birthday to pass without it, or yours for that matter.”
I grinned. It was mine and Mum’s absolute favourite. Dad always made it for our birthdays.
“Is Marvin sad to see you go?” he asked after we’d been driving in silence for a few minutes.
“Yes and no. He’s happy I’m better and I don’t need to see him any longer.”
“We all are.”
I knew I’d caused my parents a lot of stress over the years. They hated I hadn’t come to them sooner. That’s the thing about depression. It’s hard to ask for help. Hard to admit you need it. I wanted to fix myself so badly, but I couldn’t. Not without support and not without Marvin. I’d told him a thousand times over he’d saved my life. He kept telling me I’d saved myself. And I supposed I had.
I did what you wanted me to, J. I got help to be a better man. So I could perhaps deserve you. It’s okay if you never forgive me. You’re why I’m better.
I don’t think I could ever forget Jonah. What I’d done had hurt him, but I couldn’t drag him along through my hardships. He’d needed to live his life, not be shackled to a boy with undiagnosed clinical depression.
“Dad.”
“Hmm?”
“Marvin gave me one last piece of homework before I left.”
“Oh yeah?”
I smiled.
“Yeah. I know you already know this, but I never did the whole coming out thing properly, so here it goes.”
I took a breath. He glanced at me, attempting not to smile.
“Dad, I’m bisexual.”
“And I love you for that. I’d love you, regardless.”
“I love you too.”
He put a hand on my arm, giving it a squeeze before returning it to the gear stick.
Every day I felt grateful to have my parents in my life. After everything I’d been through, they’d stuck by me. They’d given me the strength to fight. No matter how many bad days I had, they were there, along with Duke. You don’t know how much you need your family until they’re the only people keeping you going.
“Dad.”
“Yeah, monkey?”
“Do you think he’ll forgive me?”
He glanced at me again.
“Jonah?”
“Yeah.”
Dad knew the whole sorry story. It was one of the things I’d spoken to him about as part of my therapy. Admitting to all the shitty things I’d done to the person whose only real crime was loving me. And that was no real crime at all.
“Perhaps. It’s been a long time. You can apologise and show him you’re better. You worked hard on yourself. But don’t expect things to go the way you hope they will, yeah? Maybe he’s happy now and you should respect that.”
I hadn’t stopped loving Jonah Ethan Pope even through my darkest times. My love for him wasn’t a part of my depression. It was a separate entity entirely. The man had etched himself on my soul. My first and only love.
“You’re right. I won’t expect anything. I hope he’ll see me and allow me to apologise.”
It’s all I wanted, to make things right. I wouldn’t ask him for anything else. I had no right to after the way I’d fucked everything up between us.
“You ready to ask Meredith then?”
I nodded. It had taken me a long time to be in a place where I felt strong enough to see him. Any sooner and I wouldn’t have felt whole and complete in myself.
“I’ll do it in person. She knows the whole story now, so if she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, I’ll respect that.”
Meredith must have heard the story from both mine and Jonah’s perspectives. Whilst I was getting better, I sat her down and spilt the beans. She’d not judged me for it. She knew I was being treated for depression. It wasn’t an excuse for my behaviour. I never hid behind my mental health problems.
Marvin told me it was important to make amends to the people you’ve hurt if you felt it was necessary. Jonah was the last person on my list.
“Maybe she’ll surprise you.”
I smiled and hoped she would understand. Meredith had been the only friend who’d never disappeared or left me. Everyone else drifted away. It was okay. I’d met other people and formed new bonds through work when I started to get better.
Dad and I walked up the steps to their house and he unlocked the door. We found everyone had gathered in the living room. The first person I went to was Mum.
“Happy birthday,” I told her as I wrapped her up in my arms.
“Thank you, monkey,” she whispered, holding onto me tight. “I’m proud of you. So, so proud.”
My heart hurt in a good way and tears pricked behind my eyes.
“It’s your day.”
“No, it’s our day. You’ve achieved so much.” She pulled away and went up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. “Never forget how much I love you, baby boy.”
I couldn’t help smiling. Even though technically it was Cole who was the baby of the family, he wasn’t home yet. Mum saw us all as her babies and that would never change. I found I no lo
nger minded her overprotectiveness. She was only looking out for me. And she knew about Jonah too. All my family did now since I’d vowed not to keep secrets any longer.
“Love you too, Mum.”
She took my hand and tugged me further into the room, handing me off onto Xav who wrapped me up in a bear hug.
“My cheeky little monkey. You’re a superstar, you know that?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah, you keep telling me.”
He ruffled my hair, which made me shove him off. The biggest grin was on his face.
“I said it to Dad finally in the car on the way here.”
“You did? Let me guess, E was happy and told you he loved you regardless, right?”
I nodded. Xav was the first person I’d officially come out to not long after I’d accepted who I was. It took a long time for me to be comfortable saying I was bisexual. And because Xav was too, he’d been the only person I wanted to share it with. He understood in a way the others didn’t. Dad didn’t like labels, but Xav got why I had to be able to say it and feel good about it being who I was.
“Yeah, just like you told me he would.”
“Well, I do know your dad better than anyone.”
Xav and Dad had been best friends for fifty-five years. They were lovers too, but they had a bond which went beyond that. Xav once told me my dad was his soulmate along with Mum, even though he didn’t entirely believe in fate. He knew he couldn’t live without Mum and Dad, nor Quinn and Rory for that matter, even though he and Quinn were constantly giving each other shit.
We both looked over at my dad, who was walking towards the dining room to go into the kitchen. He paused in the doorway as if he knew he was being watched and glanced at us. A smile formed on his lips.
“You know that man has stuck by me through thick and thin,” Xav said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “I’m grateful in so many ways for his presence. And he gave me you. I love him even more for that.”