by Sarah Bailey
It’s not like I didn’t realise I had issues with trusting people, opening up and giving them my heart. I wasn’t one of these psychologists who wasn’t self-aware. I didn’t have the energy or the will to fix my own brokenness. Not when I didn’t have any need or real reason to do so.
I’d crawled into bed after spending the evening in front of the TV when I heard the front door slam. Meredith was back. I hoped she wouldn’t come to check on me. I wasn’t in the mood.
It was my shitty luck when she came waltzing in two minutes later.
“Hey, J, you okay?”
I love you, Mer, but I don’t want to deal with you right now.
“I’m tired and about to pass out. Did you have a nice evening?”
She hadn’t told me what she was doing. Meredith had always been independent and did as she pleased.
“I did. Drinks with a friend.”
“Glad to hear it.”
I took her in properly then, noticing the twinkle in her eyes. It made me suspicious. She only ever had that look when she was about to either tell me something I didn’t want to hear or ask me to do something I had no interest in doing. Not what I needed right now. I was liable to get snappy.
“Aren’t you going to ask who it was?”
“No.”
She pouted, giving me a sour look.
“You’re a bit grumpy.”
“I’ve had a really long week, Mer. All I want to do is sleep and be alone.”
My sister always gave me space when I needed it. Usually, she’d apologise and leave but this time she didn’t. She stood there, rocking back and forth on her heels. I wanted to tell her to go away but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t do that to her.
“J, I saw Raphi tonight.”
My whole body went tense at the sound of his name on her lips. I thought I’d heard her incorrectly for the first few seconds, but no, Meredith had said his name in a very deliberate way.
Raphi.
I knew they were still friends. Not like I tried to stop her from doing what she wanted in life. Not after what happened with Cole. I wasn’t my sister’s keeper. I’d come to terms with it a long time ago. It was hearing his name which cut me. It made my chest burn. She made every effort not to bring him up in conversation. Why now? Why fucking well now?
“And?” I bit out, feeling like I was about to break in half.
“And I’d appreciate it if you listened to what I have to ask you without biting my head off.”
I gritted my teeth against saying something I didn’t mean. Instead, I nodded even though I didn’t want to hear anything about him. It would only hurt. Anything to do with that name and what I had gone through with him hurt.
Raphael Nelson had left me with so many jagged scars on my heart and my soul, I no longer knew how to count them. When I said I didn’t have the will to fix my problems with men, well, he was the reason. It always came back to him. The boy who’d broken me when he walked out the door. I shouldn’t blame him for it. Not when I knew he’d been suffering. But I did. Fuck, did I. He crushed me.
“Love isn’t enough.”
It’s not as if I’d ever thought love conquered all in life, but for him to tell me he loved me and then say it wasn’t enough for him to stay? Well, it fucked with me. Royally.
It stayed with me. It changed the way I looked at relationships. It changed everything. It broke me.
For my sister to remind me of Raphi when she knew how I felt about him? It was fucking low.
I rubbed my face. No, I wasn’t going to put that on her. None of this was Meredith’s fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She hadn’t ripped my heart out of my chest and taken it with her when she left me for a second time. No, that was all Raphi. All of it.
I didn’t think I was still so angry and upset about it. Fuck. Why did she have to go open my old wounds up?
“He wants to see you to apologise for what happened. I think you should seriously consider saying yes because he’s gone through a lot to get to where he is now. And I really believe you need this because, Jonah, you have never closed that chapter of your life with him. You’ve never let go and I think it’s time. It’s time you find peace and closure with him.”
It was as if she’d plucked my thoughts from right out of my head. Not the parts about finding peace, but the fact I’d never got closure. If I had, I wouldn’t be feeling this way about him. Like I wanted to throw shit around the room to take out my frustration and anger on something.
“What?”
“I’m telling you this for your own good. See Raphi and let him say sorry.”
“My own good? You think it’s for my own good to see my ex-boyfriend? The person who fucked me over not once but twice? Who I gave everything I had to, but it still wasn’t enough?”
Meredith raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, your ex-boyfriend who you clearly still have a lot of feelings towards or you wouldn’t be getting worked up right now.”
“I’m fucking tired. I told you that.”
She shook her head and walked further into my room.
“Oh no, this isn’t about your long week or your patients. This is about the fact I can’t even say his name or mention his family without you flinching. You think I don’t see how much you’re affected by it even though it’s been over six years? I’m not blind, Jonah. You might be the psychologist here, but I’m your sister and when it comes to matters of the heart, I know you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away. I hated how right she was. I hated it so fucking much.
“Look, I could tell you why he wants to apologise, but I’m not going to because it’s better coming from him. At least you can get closure with him. You get the chance to do that, J. Take it because fuck knows you need it.”
My heart hurt at her words. She was talking about herself and her inability to get closure with Cole. How she’d gone five years without hearing a peep from him. How his family wouldn’t tell her where he was. Meredith had basically been adopted by them. She felt like she had a real family now. I understood but at the same time, I couldn’t help feeling as though she was punishing herself by being around them because all they did was remind her of Cole. Reminded her of how much she missed him. How she still loved him.
What a fucking pair we were. Completely messed up over boys in that family.
“I wouldn’t tell you to do this if I didn’t think it’s what’s best for you. All you’ve done since he ended it is punish yourself for not being enough. I’m not going to watch you do it any longer, not when you have the opportunity to shut the door on your past. Few people get that in life, Jonah, you, of all people, know this. I’m willing to bet many of your patients wish they could talk to the people they’ve loved and lost.”
“I hate that you’re using my patients against me right now,” I muttered.
Why did she have to be right? By all accounts, I shouldn’t see him. It would only hurt me, but sometimes you had to get hurt to heal properly.
“If it gets you to stop being an idiot.”
“Excuse me if I have an issue with seeing the person who broke my fucking heart.”
“I get it this isn’t going to be easy for you, but life isn’t fucking easy. You’ve said that to me a million times.”
I dropped my face into my hands. It wasn’t the best time to be having this conversation since I was irritable. I didn’t want her to be right about any of it, but she was. I couldn’t deny it.
“So what, he wants to absolve his guilt over what happened? Is that what this is about?”
“No. You might not believe this but he wants you to be happy, J. And don’t tell me you are, because we both know that’s not true.”
Why did the knowledge hurt so much? Maybe since it reminded me of what he’d said. Every word. Raphi had wanted me to be happy back then. He didn’t want me to suffer. He never had. It’s why he’d ended it. He felt like he wasn’t good enough for me.
I knew Meredith wouldn’t let this go. She’d keep pestering me until I gave in. It was who she was. I couldn’t hate her for it either.
I raised my head, dropping my hands. She stood there, giving me a sympathetic look, which I hated almost as much as this situation.
“If I say yes to seeing him, will you leave me alone? I need to sleep.”
“I don’t want you to say yes to get rid of me.”
“Look, I get it. You’re right. I need to move forward.”
She stared at me for a long moment.
“Okay, I’ll tell him to come over tomorrow afternoon. I’m out with Rhys, we have wedding stuff to do.”
“What? Tomorrow? That’s too soon.”
“No, it’s not, Jonah. I’m not letting you chicken out of it. I’ll leave you a note on the fridge with the time. Sleep well.”
And with that, she stalked out of the room, closing my door behind her. I didn’t get a chance to tell her I didn’t want to see anyone this weekend. I needed time to work out how I would approach this. How I would cope with him being in front of me.
I flopped back on my bed and rubbed my eyes.
Well, this is just fucking great. The weekend I need to myself and I have to see my ex-boyfriend.
I turned out the light and pulled the covers over my head, groaning. This was the very last thing I needed right now. I’d have to suck it up and deal. Whether or not I liked it, I was going to have to see Raphi and find out why the hell it was so important for him to apologise to me.
Damn my sister. Damn him. Damn everything.
Chapter Forty Three
I hadn’t expected Meredith to text me last night and tell me Jonah was willing to see me the very next day. I got the impression she’d strong-armed him into it. When she’d left the bar last night, the woman had been pretty determined to make sure I got my chance with Jonah.
Here I was, palms all sweaty and my heart racing, waiting outside their front door for him to open it. I hadn’t given myself any wiggle room to chicken out or think too hard about seeing him again. There was no other choice but to go through with it now.
When the door opened, there was no one standing there, which confused me for a moment until I realised he was half-standing behind it. I took that as my cue to step in. The door shut behind me. I turned around, my breath catching in my throat at the sight of him.
Jonah had his hand dug in his pocket. It was the first thing I noticed as I’d always found his hands beautiful. The second was he looked exhausted and worn down. Lastly, I realised he’d only grown more handsome in the intervening years since I’d last laid eyes on him. His hair was longer and messy. His body was more toned and defined judging by the way his t-shirt clung to his chest.
I fiddled with my glasses, wondering how to stop myself from blurting out a whole series of compliments because they’d make him blush. I missed the way he blushed, his cheeks and ears going red.
Stop that. You are here for one reason and it’s to say sorry. Do not ogle him.
The first thing which made me pause was seeing his light green eyes had lost some of that lustre they always seemed to possess whenever he was around me. It’s like the lights had gone out. It made me very aware he wasn’t doing as well as I hoped. And perhaps seeing me hurt him far more than it should.
“Hi,” I said when he didn’t make a sound.
“Hello, Raphael.”
I didn’t like the fact he’d used my full name and his tone was all formal as if I was one of his patients. I don’t know why it felt that way, but it did. Probably because it’s the way Marvin had talked to me for a long time. It gradually changed when I started to open up to him. Even though I knew I’d needed counselling, I’d resisted talking about my feelings towards myself for a long time.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
His tone was clipped, indicating he was anything but fine. I didn’t try to push the subject. Instead, I looked around at the open plan living area.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked a moment later.
“Sure, um, tea is fine. Thank you.”
He nodded and then waved at the sofa as if to say sit down. I watched him walk away from me into the kitchen area and fill up the kettle. The stiffness of his back and his general demeanour only confirmed what I suspected. Meredith had forced this on him. It didn’t make me feel good about coming here. I was in half a mind to text her and give her hell for not giving Jonah a real choice in the matter.
I shrugged out of my coat, hanging it up by the door where his and Meredith’s sat before walking over to the sofa and taking a seat.
“You and Mer have a nice place.”
He flinched as if the sound of my voice cut him.
Fuck, I shouldn’t be here. He doesn’t want me here.
“Thank you.”
Right now, he and I felt like strangers making stupid small talk. We weren’t strangers. Jonah and I knew each other intimately. This didn’t feel right. It just plain hurt. I knew I wasn’t entitled to feel that way considering I was the one who’d hurt him. Marvin had told me to own my feelings. I wasn’t going to push them away.
It’s okay if it hurts you. It should. He meant a lot to you. He still means everything to you.
I didn’t speak whilst he made tea and brought it over, setting it on the coffee table. He took a seat in the armchair diagonally across from the sofa. When he levelled his gaze on me, I felt exposed. Jonah had always seen through me.
Would he know I still cared about him?
Could he see how much I wished to make things right?
“So, you have something to say to me.”
I swallowed and fiddled with the end of my jumper.
“Yes, I do.”
“Well…” He splayed out his hands. “I’m listening.”
I’d gone over in my head what I would tell him. It seemed best to start at the beginning. Start back when I’d fucked up my life. Before I’d found a way to get better.
“Did you know?”
He frowned.
“Know what?”
“That I had depression.”
He stiffened in his seat, his hand curling around the arm.
“Yes. I suspected it, anyway. I take it you got an official diagnosis, then.”
I nodded.
“Not straight away, but yes. I… I came here today not to drag up things from the past or to upset you, but to tell you I’m sorry for what I put you through. I don’t want to make excuses or justifications for what I did. I don’t blame my mental health for the way I acted. My actions are my responsibility and I know that.”
His eyes softened a fraction. They’d been hard since the moment he’d opened the door to me, but my words had pushed past that.
“Back then… back when we were together, I wasn’t in a good place. Every day I’d wake up wishing I could be different. Wishing I didn’t hurt people the way I did. I wasn’t going to give up, but I felt like it. All the time. I wasn’t coping well. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone else. Especially not you.”
I paused to take a sip of my tea as my mouth had gone dry.
“You were never a burden to anyone, but I understand why you felt that way at the time.”
I set the mug back down. His words gave me the courage to continue.
“I didn’t get any better after we broke up. To be honest, I was incredibly self-destructive and did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I pushed away everyone who cared about me. It wasn’t until… until Cole left, I hit my lowest point. Him leaving left a gaping hole in my family. It hurt Meredith and honestly, I knew it would have affected you because of that.”
I didn’t look at him when I said those words. Admitting I’d still thought about him wasn’t what I intended, but I found I couldn’t lie to him. Lies and secrets had all but destroyed me before. I wouldn’t let them do it to me again.
“I lost
it and almost had to drop out of university. That’s when I went to the doctor and got my diagnosis for clinical depression. They tried to treat me in various ways, but nothing seemed to make me feel okay. Logan’s uncle is retired, but he still owns a private practice. He found the right person for me and worked out the right combination of meds. I started seeing Marvin every week and did so until a week ago when I had my last session. It’s taken me a long time to be in a place where I can finally say I’m okay and at peace with myself.”
It’s not like I thought I would never suffer another bout of depression, but I was in a place where I could handle it if it happened. I was stronger now. So much stronger than I’d ever been before. Plus, I had my meds to help keep me on a more even keel.
I looked up at Jonah then. His expression was neutral, but his eyes betrayed everything. They told me on some level, he was proud of me for getting help. For sorting my life out. The part of Jonah who helped people like me knew how difficult it was for me to even come here today and tell him this. To have made this journey to acceptance. It didn’t change the fact all the other parts of him probably hated me for what I’d done to him. Hated me for breaking his heart.
“I know this is all probably irrelevant to you, but one of my goals when I decided I needed to get better, was to get to a place where I could see you and apologise. So, I want to thank you for seeing me today, for hearing me out and again to say I’m sorry. I realise it isn’t easy. I’m not expecting anything here. I’m not asking for forgiveness. All I want… all I’ve ever wanted, Jonah, is for you to be happy. I hope you are.”
He didn’t say a word. It gave me the impression he wasn’t happy just like Meredith had said. I hated it. Knowing even though I’d let him go because I wasn’t capable of being the person he needed at the time, he still wasn’t happy.