Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  I want to make you happy, Jonah, so fucking badly. Fuck, seeing you is like being able to breathe after being underwater for too long. Those choking gasps you take as your lungs struggle to regain their equilibrium.

  I’d once wondered how it was possible to love someone as much as I’d always loved him. Now I knew. There was no explanation. Love wasn’t this quantifiable force. It was wild and unpredictable. But when you found it, when you truly found it, you had to hold on to it. You had to be willing to walk through fire for it.

  I hadn’t been capable of doing that back then, but I was now. I’d thought love wasn’t enough. Love hadn’t fixed me. I was stupid to think I didn’t deserve love. I didn’t deserve to be loved the way he’d loved me. Stupid and naïve. He wasn’t the man I’d become. I knew better. I knew love was enough. Love would mend my heart and his, if he let it. Love wouldn’t erase our scars, but it would soothe them.

  I didn’t push Jonah for a response to anything I’d said. I picked up my mug and sipped at my tea as we sat in silence. He was clearly digesting everything I’d told him. Being with him only made me want to reach out and hold his hand. To remind myself of what his skin felt like.

  When we’d been together, we only had eyes for each other. It was the same for me right now. The same feeling. Like his image was the only one I wanted to fall asleep to and wake up with. I couldn’t help it. I still loved him. I just fucking well loved him.

  “I accept your apology, Raphael, and I’m truly glad you’re doing better…” He looked away, his eyes growing sad. “But I don’t think we should see each other again after this.”

  My fingers tightened around the mug, but I didn’t allow myself to react any further. No matter how much it hurt, I understood and would respect his wishes. I set the mug down and stood up. If he didn’t think we should see each other again, then I needed to leave and respect what he wanted.

  “Okay. I understand. I’m sorry to have taken up your time like this.”

  He stood too. Those green eyes of his were so full of wildly conflicting emotions. One second it looked like anger, the next, sadness and heartache. I steeled myself against it and walked towards the door, taking my coat and sliding it on. I found he’d followed me to the door looking like he wanted to say more but being unable to. It would be better for me to go now before I made this any worse for either of us.

  He opened the door for me and I stepped out, turning back to him one last time.

  “I meant what I said, I hope… I hope you find happiness one day.”

  Then I walked away. When I reached the stairs, the sound of his voice stopped me.

  “Raphi!”

  I glanced over my shoulder. He’d stepped out from his flat, holding the door open with his foot. Fuck, he was stunning. Absolutely stunning and everything I’d ever wanted. But I couldn’t have him. He wasn’t mine. He never really had been in the first place.

  “I hope you find happiness too.”

  I smiled, giving him a nod and a wave before I started down the stairs. I stayed strong whilst I made my way home. It was only when I walked through the door of my house and sat down on my sofa, my heart started to burn.

  I’d done it. I’d seen him and told him I was okay now. It hadn’t made me feel better. If anything, it had only confirmed something I already knew to be true. I loved that man with every inch of my fucking being. And he didn’t want to see me again.

  I deserved what he’d said. I hadn’t expected anything else. But it didn’t change how my body flooded with pain at the knowledge I had to let go of the person I’d loved for almost ten years.

  It’s time you move on. It’s time to give up on the hope he could ever forgive you and give you another chance.

  “I can do this,” I whispered to myself. “I’m strong enough. I can.”

  I would be strong enough, but right then, I let myself feel the weight of his loss all over again. I let myself cry those tears of loss knowing I couldn’t hide from them. It was the only way. I had to purge them from my system, then I could do what was best for both of us.

  I’m going to let you go, J, even if a part of you will remain in my heart forever.

  Chapter Forty Four

  It only took me shutting the door and walking two steps before my knees gave out. Pain. All I felt was pain. I curled up on the floor, unable to go anywhere. Tears came, blurring my vision as I stared at my hands.

  Raphi. Fuck.

  I knew I wasn’t ready for this. No part of me was ready to let go and move on. Especially not now I’d seen him.

  It hurts. God, it hurts. Why does it hurt so much?

  Why did he have to look so good? And happy. He seemed so fucking happy. Here I was lying on the floor crying like a fool over him. I sent him away. I’d done this to myself by allowing my sister to interfere. By not saying no when she told me he wanted to see me.

  Why are you such an idiot?

  When I’d opened the door to him it was as if no time at all had passed. Probably why I’d all but hidden myself behind it to stop myself from grabbing hold of him. He’d grown into himself more. He still had those wide framed glasses which suited him, but he had a scruff of beard too. His green eyes were bright and full of life. And his clothes fit him like they were made for him. Moulding to his body which I had, admittedly, checked out whilst he’d been talking to me. I couldn’t help it. Raphi was beautiful. He always had been. The years had not changed that one bit.

  Why did you send him away when you want him?

  Maybe it was my self-preservation kicking in. Or maybe I was scared. Who the hell knew.

  I was genuinely happy he’d got help. He needed it. It only hurt because I wasn’t there to help him through all of it. All the hardships he must have faced trying to find himself. It’s all I’d ever wanted to do. Be there for him. For the boy I loved more than life itself.

  I wasn’t there. He needed me and he wouldn’t let me be there.

  It was ridiculous to be so upset by that fact. And yet, it was how I felt. I hated him and myself for it. Hated how I’d punished myself all these years. For not being enough for him. For not being strong enough to stop him from leaving me. For not keeping him from imploding on himself. I’d failed him. And yet… he’d saved himself like I wanted him to.

  Why did it still hurt? Why did I still feel shit about it? How could I feel proud of him and hate everything about it at the same time?

  I don’t know how much time went by as I lay there, my tears falling unheeded as I continued to stare at my hands. The key in the front door alerted me to the fact my sister was home. It was the door knocking against my back which made me flinch.

  “What the—”

  Two feet came into my field of vision as the door slammed shut.

  “Jonah? Oh my god.”

  Meredith dropped to her knees and pulled my hands away, checking me over. Her face came into view as she lay next to me and stroked my face.

  “What happened?”

  I shook my head. Talking about it would only hurt more.

  “Is it him?”

  Another tear leaked out. I wasn’t angry at her. Just at myself.

  “I told him we shouldn’t see each other again.”

  “Okay, and that’s upset you?”

  I nodded.

  “Why’s that, J?”

  It seemed so ridiculous. So stupid. I was the absolute worst.

  “I love him.”

  Meredith didn’t say a word. She merely gave me a sad smile and moved closer, wrapping an arm around me and pressing her forehead to mine. It only made me cry harder.

  “Why did I send him away? He told me… he told me he was better. He got better and… and I wasn’t there for him.”

  Her face crumpled.

  “Oh, Jonah. You know he had to do it on his own. How many times have you told me you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? He wasn’t ready.”

  “No, Mer
edith, I wasn’t enough for him. He said love wasn’t enough.”

  My sister stroked my cheek again. I felt like I was breaking. I was back there on the day he left me. It hurt more than anything had ever hurt before. All I could think about was how much it hurt.

  “You are more than enough. It wasn’t why he left and you know it. He wasn’t well. You can’t take what he said to heart.”

  Rationally, I knew that. My heart wasn’t being particularly rational right now. Meredith was right. I was losing it over Raphi and all the reminders of that day. I should pull myself together. Start actually listening to reason. Raphi hadn’t been well. He hadn’t been ready to get help. He had been self-destructive and it wasn’t good for him or me. Loving someone didn’t necessarily mean they were good for you.

  “Since when did you become the psychologist and me the patient?”

  Meredith grinned.

  “All your advice and lectures have worn off on me.”

  “I don’t lecture you.”

  Her eyebrow shot up and she pulled away slightly.

  “Only sometimes when I’m being stupid. Now, let’s get you up off the floor and I’ll make you some coffee and food, okay?”

  I let her help me up and bring me over to the sofa, making me sit down. She tucked a blanket around me and wiped my face with some tissues. I couldn’t help but give her a grateful smile because it’s the exact same thing I would have done with her. She left me there to walk over to the kitchen and start preparing something for us.

  “Why did you make me see him?” I asked as she pulled stuff out of the fridge.

  “Many reasons, J. I’ve seen how much he’s been through over the years. How hard he’s worked. He’s doing so well. I would have never allowed it if I thought he wasn’t in a good place. You might not see it now, but you need this. You can’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself over him.”

  I looked down at the blanket. Meredith had seen right through me. She knew I’d consigned myself to purgatory over Raphi. I couldn’t hate her for it. Not when she wanted what was best for me. I’d spent my whole life fighting for her. She wanted to do the same for me.

  The truth was I should know better. I’d built my career on helping people like Raphi and others who suffered from mental health problems. Guess when it came to my personal life, I was bad at taking my own advice and helping myself.

  “I hate how you know I do that.”

  “Well, big brother, you can’t hide from me. Firstly, I love you, and secondly, I want to help you. Now, tell me honestly, do you really think it’s best for you two not to see each other again?”

  I didn’t have an answer for her. Was I even in the right frame of mine to make that judgement?

  “I don’t know.”

  “Okay, let me put this another way. Regardless of whether or not it’s a good idea, do you want to see him?”

  I looked inside myself. Raphi was the only person I’d cared about without reservation outside of Meredith. He’d always been the one. I’d accepted it long ago. I hadn’t wanted to change it because deep down, I hadn’t stopped wanting him. Hadn’t stopped hoping one day he would come back to me. Now he had, I didn’t know what the fuck to do with myself.

  “Yes.”

  “And why’s that?”

  I almost smiled when the answer came to mind.

  “I love him.”

  “See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

  I looked over at her.

  “It doesn’t matter what I want. I don’t know if being around him is good for me. It hurt so much having him here and not being able to tell him how he made me feel.”

  Meredith glanced over her shoulder from where she was standing by the stove and frowned.

  “What exactly did you say to him?”

  “Not very much. He did the talking, not me.”

  “Jonah, you know I wanted you to see him so you could have an honest discussion as opposed to it being one-sided.”

  I wanted to hang my head. It wasn’t particularly adult of me to have sent him away when we clearly needed a conversation. Why had I been so stupid? Probably because I was way too messed up over him, I couldn’t think straight.

  Self-preservation. Definitely self-preservation.

  But what the fuck was I even preserving myself from? He wasn’t the same boy he’d been when he was eighteen. He wasn’t fucked up and hating himself. I’d heard what he said and then dismissed it like it meant nothing even though it meant he was better. He’d changed.

  “I know and I fucked that up.”

  “Well, we all make mistakes. You can fix this.”

  “How? I told him I didn’t want to see him.”

  She snorted and shook her head.

  “You think that’s a hindrance? God, you really are useless at relationships. You are allowed to change your mind. I doubt he’s going to tell you to get lost if you tell him you want to talk.”

  “Oh yeah, and what makes you so sure about that, huh?”

  I was acting childish, but my emotions were all over the place. The thought of seeing him again made my heart race. Plus, this was my sister. We ribbed each other all the time.

  “He didn’t just get better for himself, J. He did it for you too.”

  “What?”

  “Do you really think he stopped caring about you? Wow, you’re stupider than I thought.”

  “Hey! That is not fair.”

  “It is when my idiot brother can’t see what’s right in front of his face.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her.

  “Why are you so annoying?”

  “I’m your little sister and it’s my job. Did you ever stop to think why Raphi made it a personal goal to be well enough to face you again, hmm? No, because you’re too busy being stupid and acting like he broke your heart all over again when it’s your doing. You didn’t have to send him off without talking to him. Don’t you sit there and get all high and mighty with me.”

  My sister was too damn smart for her own good. Calling me out on my own shit. I didn’t even want to dispute what she’d said.

  “What should I do?”

  “About what?”

  “Raphi, what should I do about him?”

  “Talk to him.”

  “As if it’s that simple.”

  Talking to him felt impossible when all my feelings were whirling around inside me. I didn’t know what I wanted when it came to him. I hadn’t thought past getting him out of the flat so I could fall apart without an audience. I’d had one anyway in my sister. Instead of letting me drown, she’d picked me up and shook some sense into me. Stopped me from losing it. Maybe she was right. Maybe I did need to talk to him.

  “It is. I’ll give you his phone number and address. Then you have no excuse.”

  I didn’t answer. Meredith left me to my own thoughts whilst she finished making me coffee and food. When she brought it over, she sat down next to me and rubbed my knee.

  “I know it’s hard, J, but you have to deal with this. Either find closure or find a way to forgive him. That’s it. It’s not rocket science. I mean, shit, look at Rhys and Aaron. Trust me when I tell you I’m pretty sure what happened between them is way worse than you and Raphi, and they still found a way back to each other. You’re both human. You’ve both made mistakes. Now it’s time to put the past to bed and move on with your lives.”

  “I’m not ready to make a decision about him yet.”

  She smiled at me.

  “You don’t have to be. He’s not going anywhere.”

  I didn’t know about that. He did look pretty resigned when I said we shouldn’t see each other. If I didn’t see and talk to him soon, would it be too late?

  I couldn’t bear the thought of it. I had to get my act together and see him again. Just to have a conversation. To talk things out. I didn’t have to decide right then what I wanted to do about the two of us. Getting it all
out in the open would be better than keeping my feelings bottled up. Meredith was right. I needed to deal with it once and for all. I couldn’t let myself remain like this. Just as Raphi had saved himself, I had to do the same for me. Save myself from purgatory and find peace again. Whether it was with Raphi or without him, it didn’t matter.

  I had to do this for myself then I could be free, like he’d wanted for me all those years ago when he left me with nothing.

  Chapter Forty Five

  The doorbell went, making me frown as I got up. I hadn’t been expecting anyone, so I had zero clue who it was. I walked out of my living room into the hallway and pulled the door open. My heart just about stopped when I saw who it was. My hand shook as my world tilted on its axis. The one person I was trying to move on from was standing in front of me after telling me we shouldn’t see each other again.

  “Jonah? What are you—”

  I didn’t get a chance to finish my sentence. He stepped in, grabbed me by the face and kissed me. I froze, unable to comprehend what was happening. He walked us backwards despite the fact I hadn’t responded to his kiss. I let go of the door to make sure my arm didn’t get ripped out of its socket. For a long moment, I thought I might be dreaming as the door slammed shut and he shoved me up against a wall, pressing his body into mine.

  What do I do? What the fuck is he doing here? Why is he kissing me?

  My whirling thoughts didn’t stop my body reacting to his. The years hadn’t dulled my attraction to Jonah. I hardened under his touch as I responded to his kiss. My lips moved against his as all our pent up longing and need took over. My hands went to his hair, tugging at the blonde strands and pulling him even closer.

  “Fuck,” he muttered against my lips.

  Fuck indeed. Fuck have I missed you.

  In response to his curse, I flipped us around, pushing him up against the wall instead. He ground against me, making it very clear he liked this. He wanted it. I released his mouth for a moment so I could look at him. His green eyes were wild and I imagined mine were too.