by Sarah Bailey
“Was it nice?”
“Yeah, I swear I’ve never seen two people more in love. It’s like that all-consuming kind between them.”
“They are kind of sickening at times. Mer is always complaining about it in one breath and going on about how sweet it is in the next.”
I opened the fridge door and pulled out the Brita filter, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and pouring water in it. I put the jug back in the fridge and handed the glass to Jonah. Our fingers brushed, sending a wave of need up my arm. Judging by his reaction, he felt it too. His eyes widened and his breath hitched. I was so aware of him, I noticed every little thing he did.
Jonah, please be here to tell me you want this. That it’s not just me, because I don’t know how much more I can take.
“I guess they are,” he murmured.
I snatched my hand back but the damage was already done. The urge to crush him to me sunk into my bones. I was about to step back when he reached out and brushed his fingers along mine as he took a sip of his water. My throat worked as I swallowed, heat rushing up my skin from our simple touch. He set the glass on the counter and stepped into my personal space.
“I need to say something to you.”
“And what’s that?”
His brows furrowed, leaving little lines between them which I wanted to smooth away.
“I don’t know how to do this. I’m… scared.”
He dropped his hand from mine and fidgeted instead.
“Scared of what?”
“You and me.”
What is that supposed to mean?
“What about you and me?”
His expression grew troubled. I reached out and brushed a thumb across his cheek. His breathing accelerated, making me aware I was affecting him. Well fuck, he affected me too. Far too much.
“I don’t know what you want, Raphi, and it fucking terrifies me.” His words came out rushed and in one long breath. “Because… because I feel so much and I don’t want… I don’t want…”
I cupped his cheek and forced him to look at me.
“You don’t want what?”
“I don’t want my heart broken again.” It came out as a whisper, his voice shaking on each and every word.
My own heart squeezed in my chest. I could only take what he was saying one way. Perhaps Duke was right last night. Maybe what Jonah needed was for me to give him my truth. The one thing I’d held back on.
“Do you think I’m going to do that?”
“I don’t know.”
I dropped my hand from his face. He watched me unbutton his suit jacket followed by his waistcoat before I slid my hand underneath the fabric, brushing along his waist. I could feel the heat of him through his shirt. He let out a harsh breath which fanned across my face because we were standing so close to each other.
“You’re allowed to be afraid. I’ve never asked you to forgive me or trust me again. There are no expectations here. Perhaps it’s my mistake not to have told you how I feel. Maybe you need to hear it before you’ll tell me what’s inside here.”
I lifted my other hand and placed it on his heart. It was pounding so hard, I could feel it on the pads of my fingers. He didn’t say a word, just watched me with caution. I couldn’t blame him. He needed me to own up to my feelings.
“I told you I got help for me so I could get better, but that’s not the whole truth. I once told you I didn’t feel like I deserved you. Ever since then, I’ve tried to find a way to be the person who could deserve you. To be someone who could offer you the world. I would never have asked to see you again if I didn’t think I could be that man for you.”
I could see all of his emotions clear as day on his face. He had no idea it’s what I’d spent six and a half years trying to achieve. Yes, I’d got better for me, but I’d done it for him too. I’d walked through fucking fire to be exactly where we were today. At a crossroads where a few words from him had the power to make me the happiest man alive or rip my heart to shreds. I couldn’t say I would blame him if it turned out to be the latter. I’d put him through too much.
“I’m offering you everything I have. Everything I am now. And that’s the man who fucking well adores the shit out of you. Who looks at you like you’re his everything because that’s exactly what you are to me. I want to give you my love so badly, it kills me inside to hold back. Fuck… Jonah, I love you so much and I will continue to love you until the end. Please, tell me what it is you want here. Tell me why you wanted to see me tonight.”
His green eyes were wide. He opened and closed his mouth like he didn’t know what to say. I dropped my hand from his heart and picked up one of his instead. I placed it over my heart so he could feel it. Then he could fucking well know he was the one.
“This is yours. I’m yours, only if you’ll have me. If you can look past all of the shit we’ve been through and find a way to—”
He cut my words off by putting his free hand over my mouth. I stared at him, wondering why he needed to shut me up. Had I said too much? Admitted too many things?
“I love you, Raphi. I love you. I can’t stop loving you. I can’t… every part of me loves you. You’re the one. You’re always going to be the one. I don’t care about the past. The past doesn’t fucking matter when you’re standing here in front of me telling me you love me. Telling me you’ll give me the world. I’m done living in the past. I’m fucking done with punishing myself over not being enough for you. I know I’m enough. Love is enough. It has to be. Please tell me it is.”
Those words about him punishing himself over not being enough for me almost had me breaking down in tears. Jonah had always been enough. He was more. He was the only person for me in this fucked up world we lived in. I couldn’t imagine life without him in it. It was my fault this had happened. My depression had ruined everything. I wasn’t going to let it do that again. Not now I’d learnt how to manage it and how to love myself. That had been the hardest part. I was determined to get better for me and him. I’d had no other choice. I had to find myself and accept the man I saw in the mirror.
Jonah dropped his hand from my mouth. His breathing was heavy like it took him too much effort to get those words out. But he’d said it. He’d finally told me the truth. I was going to give him what he asked for.
“You’re more than enough,” I whispered. “You’re the whole universe to me. Love is enough. It’s always been enough.”
“Then ask me… ask me to be yours.”
I couldn’t help smiling. My hand around his waist tightened as I pulled him that much closer.
“Jonah, will you be my boyfriend?”
I knew I couldn’t ask him to be my husband yet. It was far too soon. But I would eventually because there was no doubt in my mind I needed Jonah as much as he needed me.
He let out this choked sound like he couldn’t believe I’d actually used the word boyfriend. Given my aversion to it, I understood why. I leant closer and brushed my lips over his.
“Is that a yes to the boyfriend thing?”
He nodded profusely, his lips rubbing against mine. I could take that. I kissed him. And Jonah kissed me back. His hands went to my hair, digging into the strands and keeping me right there with him. As if I was ever going anywhere. I never wanted to be apart from him again.
Chapter Fifty
The word boyfriend echoed in my ears as Raphi kissed me. He kissed like he was drowning in me. And well, I was pretty fucking unstable too right then. But only because he’d told me he loved me. Love was enough. I was enough.
I believed him. The sincere and honest look in his eyes when he’d said he got better for me made my heart hurt. This man made me ache all over for so many things.
His touch. His affection. His love. His forever.
I pressed him back until he hit the counter. I gripped the edge of it as my body came in full contact with his. My other hand fisted his hair and all I wanted was more. Raphi tugged his glasses of
f his face and fumbled with placing them on the counter. His hands curled around me underneath my suit jacket and waistcoat. His fingers dug beneath my trousers, tugging at my shirt until he met bare skin. Then he groaned in my mouth as our tongues tangled in a rough dance of affection and desire.
“I want to make love to you, cuore mio,” he whispered when he pulled back slightly.
Fuck, I can’t believe he still wants to call me his heart.
I swallowed since we’d only ever called sex between us, fucking. But I supposed this time it would be more. The look in his eyes told me so. It was gentle and full of adoration. Like I was the universe to him. Just like he said.
“What, you don’t want to order me into your bed?”
He smirked which only set my blood on fire.
“No, but if you go willingly, I’d be much obliged.”
“I’ve never been anything but willing with you.”
His hand tightened around me.
“I know and it’s a problem, J. You make it hard for me to be gentle and sweet since you’re always begging for it to be anything but.”
I smiled. Raphi and I didn’t do loving and caring in the bedroom. It was raw and unbridled.
“Maybe I won’t beg.”
His smirk didn’t disappear, if anything, it grew more deviant.
“We both know that’s never going to happen.”
And then his face did fall, his demeanour turning serious. It was as if a switch flipped and talk of sex was over.
“I need you to tell me what you were going to say before I told you how I feel.”
I wanted to ask why but the way he said it made it seem like this mattered a great deal to him.
“Well, before I came here, my sister told me I needed to give you an ultimatum.”
His brow arched.
“Did she now?”
“Yeah, I was supposed to tell you either we get back together or I’m done for good.”
His fingers brushed across my bare back and lower. I shuddered, trying not to get too distracted by his wandering hand.
“And is that really what you were going to say to me?”
“No. I wanted to tell you I love you and I want you back. That the way you’ve treated me over these past weeks you’ve been back in my life has meant everything. And I’ve hated all the cheek kissing since it was not where I wanted your lips. So no. No ultimatums. They’re not really me.”
He smiled again, the warmth of it lighting up his eyes. I don’t think I’d ever issued one to Raphi. The only time I had was about Cole and Meredith. It went horribly wrong. I’d decided ultimatums were terrible from then on.
“Your sister is quite something, you know, considering she already knew I was waiting for you to tell me you wanted more.”
I had a suspicion that was the case and the reason she kept calling me an idiot. She was right since I should have known Raphi wanted to be with me again. Now I thought about it, he’d made it very clear the first time I’d come over here. He asked if I wanted him to date me, implying it’s what he’d do if I said yes. I guess I should have listened properly.
“She did, huh?”
“Mmm, she told me when I said to her I still loved you, she was determined to make sure we got back together. I think she’s been playing matchmaker even if she promised both of us not to meddle.”
Meredith was going to get an earful from me over this. Her meddling wasn’t exactly helpful though it had forced me to admit I needed to say something to Raphi.
“But don’t be too hard on her, J.”
I frowned.
“Why not? You have no idea of the abuse I’ve had off her over you. I mean, okay, maybe I kind of deserved it since I was fretting over telling you how I felt, but still, she took it too far.”
Raphi gave me a sad smile and pulled his hands from under my shirt. Instead, he brought them up and rested them on my chest.
“Cole came home two days ago.”
I froze. Cole was back. Well, that complicated matters a great deal since my sister had got emotional over him at Rhys’ wedding. I didn’t know how she would react to seeing him. No doubt he intended to get her back since this was Cole. I don’t think I’d ever met a more determined boy in my life. It was my sister or no one.
“And you are not supposed to know about that so when you do see him, please be surprised. I’ll be in trouble otherwise.”
I didn’t want Raphi to get in any shit. I would do my level best to make sure I didn’t let on I already knew.
“He wants her back.”
“Yes… but it’s more than that.” Raphi looked off into the distance over my shoulder. “He asked our parents to get him a ring for her.”
“Wait… he wants to marry Mer?”
Raphi nodded. I thought about all of the reasons why it was completely insane. Then I remembered my sister was still in love with Cole. She always would be. Their story was all kinds of fucked up but they still shared one thing together. Love.
“Well, fuck. I thought your brother was reckless and impulsive before but this… I mean, fuck.”
Raphi merely shrugged, dropping his hands from my chest. I guessed he was used to his brother’s antics by now.
“It’s Cole. He might have been gone for five years but he’s still Cole. Not that I’ve seen him yet since he’s been staying with Rora and Logan. I’m avoiding them because of the wedding shit. Honestly, the only reason it’s so complicated is because Logan’s family are kind of famous. Add my parents into the mix and you have a recipe for madness. I swear if I ever do the wedding thing it’s family only and none of this huge reception with a fucking six-tiered cake business.”
Raphi and the word wedding made my heart feel like it’d skipped a hundred beats.
“If?”
“Do you want to come to their wedding with me?”
My heart sunk a little at him ignoring my question since it didn’t exactly make it clear if Raphi wanted to get married or not in the future. But I had to get my head on straight as he’d just asked me to go to Aurora and Logan’s wedding with him.
“Isn’t that really soon?”
“Mmm, like two weeks, and if I ask my sister nicely, she’ll make room for a plus one.”
“Are you sure about that?”
He gave me a look.
“Do you want to come with me or not?”
“I mean, of course I want to come, but it depends on work.”
“It’s on a Saturday.” Raphi was still eying me as if to say I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t think you’d be available. “And you’re my boyfriend. Attendance is non-negotiable.”
I snorted and shook my head. He was joking about the last part, but it still made me feel all warm inside. He wanted me there as his boyfriend. The word had the ability to melt my brain when he said it.
“Okay, just tell me the place and time, I’ll be there.”
“I was hoping you’d stay here the night before and we could go together. You don’t like crowds. It’s a big wedding. I figured you’d want to be close to me at all times.”
I swallowed as his lip curved up into a smile. He was right. I still hated crowds and Raphi had always kept me grounded.
“You said you didn’t do sweet.”
“I do when you’re not getting all needy and shit, J.”
He could be incredibly sweet. In fact, he had been since he’d come back into my life. Always attentive. Always making sure I was happy. It’s how he’d been on each and every one of our dates. I was going to call them that now because, in reality, we had been dating for the past few weeks even though we’d said we were just friends. Raphi and I couldn’t be just friends. We’d always been so much more to each other. Even back when we were getting to know each other as teenagers. He’d known that when he was fifteen. It was about time I caught up.
“What if I’m needy now?”
I was still pressed right up against him, p
inning him to the counter with my body. I couldn’t help feeling aroused by his presence. Raphi did all kinds of shit to me.
“Then I’d remind you of what I said about getting into my bed willingly.”
I reached up and ran a hand through his chestnut hair.
“If I go right now, will you follow… and make love to me?”
His eyebrow slowly rose and the smirk reappeared.
“I guess you’ll have to find out.”
“Tease.”
He shook his head.
“Oh, Jonah, you have no idea of the teasing I’m capable of. This is nothing compared to what I might do to you, so… you going to get that sexy suited arse upstairs or not?”
Raphi had done a heck of a lot of teasing in bed. This made me nervous. What on earth else could he do to me?
“Sexy, eh?”
His eyes darkened, making me shiver.
“Very. Every part of you is sexy to me, especially those eyes of yours. They tell me a lot of things. Like how you’re having a hard time moving away right now because even though you want me to make love to you, a part of you wants to stay right here against me.”
He leant his hands back against the counter as if waiting for me to dispute his statement.
“You’re almost as annoying as Meredith when it comes to reading me.”
“Me? Annoying?”
“Mmm, being right about how I feel and all.”
He cocked his head to the side and searched my face for a long moment.
“I’m going to make this easy for you. Go upstairs and sit on my bed, but don’t get undressed. I plan to take my time in stripping you out of this.” He lifted a hand from the counter and waved at me. “Fuck, J… you look so damn hot in a suit, it’s short-circuiting my brain and I don’t know how I’ve managed to have a conversation with you for however long it’s been without ripping your clothes off and having you on my kitchen counter.”
The thought of him stripping me down made my cock jerk in response. I wanted him too. So damn much.
“Is that an order?”
“You’re damn fucking right it’s an order.”
I backed away from him, giving him a grin.