He grinned down at her. “I have unfair advantages, Tamara-ala.” He did something to the end of her name, giving it a purely Azellian lilt. A warm feeling curled in the bottom of her stomach. She relaxed in his hold, giving into the exhaustion that coiled through her muscles. Merran carried her to the couch and laid her down gently. He stepped away and Tamara heard the clink of glasses and water pouring.
He came back moments later carrying a glass of water. She propped herself up and sipped. “What happened to me?”
“You had another episode.” Merran pulled up a chair and settled into it. “Congratulations. You managed to ride it out all by yourself.”
Tamara frowned at him. “That didn’t feel like an episode. I do feel a little sick, but why don’t I have a migraine?”
“I don’t know. But you had an episode. Maybe it’s because we’re in my shielded office. I was pretty heavily shielded too. You weren’t getting any extraneous data to try to sort through.”
“I do remember something—”
Although his skin tone did not lend well to blushing, or he had a way of controlling it, Tamara got the distinct impression Merran was embarrassed. “I may have had some responsibility in letting some information slip to you mentally. I sometimes treat you like an Azellian who’s already Awakened and that probably triggered the episode. I am sorry.”
Tamara exhaled, suddenly frustrated. “Greg has been working with me all week on visualization exercises. He says I’m going through the same thing an Azellian would. Why is Awakening so
awkward? These episodes are going to get more and more frequent, aren’t they?”
“Probably. But they may also get easier. This one wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“No, this one wasn’t as bad. But that’s mainly because the migraine didn’t come.” Tamara rubbed her forehead and looked away. She leaned her head back against the couch. The leather squeaked a little as she moved. A sudden memory of wanting to kiss him flashed across her mind and she shifted uncomfortably against the couch. That had been the trigger, she knew it. No matter what Merran said about his projecting at her. “Greg tells me I can’t avoid it, that my psi will break through no matter what I do. That I can’t walk away from myself.” She rested her arm across her eyes, then dropped her arm and turned her head to look at Merran. “These episdoes keep happening around you, all of you. If I wanted these episodes to stop, I think I would have to stop all contact with you Azellians.”
He met her gaze steadily. “And even that might not work. Tamara, you will be working in fairly close contact with me and other Azellians for the next year. If you do Awaken as we do, and it looks like that’s where you’re headed, it will very likely be in the next year.”
Tamara sighed. “I know.”
The silence stretched for a moment, then Merran shifted in his chair, his dark eyes meeting hers steadily. “Tamara, I need to tell you something.” He hesitated momentarily and then continued, “I’m attracted to you.”
Tamara coughed and felt the blood rush to her face. “That’s certainly blunt.”
“We don’t usually waste words. You would have known as soon as you Awakened anyway.”
She looked at him, but he was staring down at his hands. She took a breath. Maybe for the first time in her life, she wanted to say yes and mean it. It wouldn’t be like the last time, she told herself. He was psi too. “I’m, uh, I’m attracted to you too.”
He looked up. “We’re going to be working too closely together for anything else to happen. Has Greg talked to you about what Awakening entails?”
Tamara shook her head. “Not in any detail.”
Merran raked his hand through his hair. “Well, I think I told you that Azellian Awakenings are sexual. They involve bringing in and channeling energy from the outside world, from everything around the individual and channeling it through the body. Theoretically, a person could do it alone, but most of the time the channeling of energies occurs during the act of sex. Usually intercourse. Assuming you will in fact Awaken as we do, we must think about how best to help you.” He took a breath. “And while I would love to be the one who channels you during your Awakening, I think someone else, like Alarin, should be the one who channels you. He might be able to keep from using sex to channel the energy. I won’t be able to do that. Not only will I have to fight my own desires, I’ll have to fight yours too.” His eyes stared into hers intently. “And after we’d done it once, I really doubt it would only be that one time. At least not on my part.”
Tamara stared at the ceiling. He was saying no, and with it came a disappointment that made her still careening emotions even more unstable. She could feel her face getting hot, and she tried to think about something else as the scalding tears built. She would not cry.
Merran watched her, cursing himself. Why had he accepted her as an intern? If he were completely honest with himself, it was partially to find this out—whether she was interested in him. Now that he knew, though, he was afraid. Afraid that if something went wrong, it would be awkward. Azellian women were fairly uncomplicated—they knew how to guard their emotions as much as he did, and any of the liaisons he had made with them had ended cleanly. He kept the human women he got involved with at a distance so they didn’t develop feelings for him. Some did, and it had gotten strange. Uncomfortable. All of them, however, had had experience, and he knew they would not be hurt lastingly by his pushing them away. Tamara was another matter.
He moved, almost without volition, to kneel beside her. He reached out his hand but didn’t touch her. “Tamara, I’m sorry.”
Tamara fought the tears of disappointment ferociously. She swallowed the lump down with an effort. “I’m fine.” She closed her eyes, the tears slipping down her cheeks. Too much to hope he hadn’t noticed? They tracked across her cheek as a feather-light touch dusted them away. Opening her eyes, she saw him watching her face intently, his fingers caressing her cheek. He lifted his eyes to meet hers. The next thing she knew, he was kissing her, her head cupped between his hands.
His lips were as soft as they had promised to be, gentle and undemanding. It wasn’t her first kiss, but it had been so long ago and so wrapped up in the horror of her boyfriend’s death that Tamara had forgotten what it felt like. She responded shyly. The kiss deepened and changed tone. His breath came hard. He shifted, joining her on the couch. He pressed against her, the robes offering no protection from the feel of his body against hers. She hesitated a moment, overwhelmed with desire and terror.
He felt her hesitation, and it called him back to himself. She protested, but he took a shaky breath and shook his head. “No, I am not doing this.” He dropped back off the couch and sat on the floor, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “But by the aarya, I want to.” He stared up at the ceiling. “Do you believe me now?”
Her tears gone, Tamara stared at the top of his head. “Yes,” she managed to whisper. She coughed.
Merran turned to look at her. “I’ve managed to never have a woman for longer than a few nights of enjoyment. My staff knows that and expects it. But you? You aren’t simply a few nights of enjoyment, Tamara, and I really do think it would be a mistake to start up a relationship when you are going to be working so closely with me. Besides, you know the hours I work. I’m not an easy person to have a relationship with … no ambassador is.” He gave her a warm smile, quite spoiling the effect of his words and making Tamara wonder how strongly he really objected.
Tamara’s desire cooled as she collected her thoughts. She sat up. “Maybe. You’re probably right.” At least until I get my own head sorted on straight, she thought to herself. “Well, should we go downstairs?” she asked him, desperate to put distance between herself and the scene that had just taken place.
Merran shifted a little. “Just give me a few minutes.”
It was more like five minutes before he hauled himself to his feet, looking more composed. Tamara, too, felt less flustered. “All right. Let’s get downstairs. It looks pretty
bad when the ambassador throws a party and then isn’t there to greet the guests.”
Tamara swung her feet off the couch. “What time is it?” She tugged at her short skirt to pull it down.
Merran glanced at his watch. “It’s six fifty-five. We need to get down there. The gates open at seven.”
“It seems like we’ve been up here for much longer than that!”
Merran grinned. “Time does strange things when you’re otherwise occupied.” He held the door. After you.”
“You just want to look at me from behind.” Tamara dared the tease now that things were in the open. How solid is he in not starting something with me? How badly do I want him to?
Merran raised an eyebrow. “Fishing for a compliment? Hmm. I did want to mention that your outfit is quite lovely. It’s … quite flattering.”
Tamara swung her hips a little. “I dressed just for you.”
Merran stopped. “Calm down a little, akila. Or I’ll return the favor.”
“Sorry,” Tamara murmured, not very contritely, as she crossed her hands behind her and kicked at the floor. She wondered what akila meant.
Merran sighed, a little smile appearing on his face. “All right. One thing I want understood right here before we go downstairs. I don’t want to become the focus of a thousand rumors, nor do I want my choice of you as an intern demeaned. It’s hard enough to hide my interest when I work among a bunch of mind readers.” He motioned with his hand and Tamara felt her chin rise, even though he didn’t touch her. She met his dark eyes. “All right?”
She nodded, sobering. “All right. I understand that.”
He held the door for her and let her walk in front of him. Intensely self-conscious, she walked downstairs, with Merran following behind her. As they reached the bottom of the stairs the heavy doors swung open and Greg, Alarin, Justern, and Mellis came in.
“Welcome, welcome.” Merran stepped around Tamara and came forward, greeting everyone. Their greeting was muted, even subdued, but for the first time, Tamara was aware of and could almost focus on the entire level that went on beyond her hearing. It was like listening hard with a part of her mind she could just sense, but not quite. She focused on relaxing and feeling that portion of her mind.
Merran kept his shields up but had forgotten his aura as he stepped forward to greet his friends. Justern, of course, was the first to point it out. “Lovely aura you have there, Merran. Lovely shade of hazel, is it? Lots of blue? What have you been doing this past week? I didn’t think you had time for that sort of thing.”
Merran thought very fast. “It’s not what you think. Tamara had an episode upstairs while we were settling in her schedule for the internship. Her aura’s still pretty grabby. I talked her through it, and she never did develop a migraine. Does that make sense?”
He turned to Greg. Play along, please. He shot the thought through to Greg’s intimate level.
Greg gave no sign he’d heard but he didn’t contradict Merran either. “It could happen, but it’s not very likely that she had an episode without the migraine. Let’s go to one of the offices for a moment, if you will.”
Merran frowned. “How long do you need? I’ve got guests coming.”
“Not very long. Indulge me.”
Merran looked at Alarin. “Could you make sure the guests are greeted, please?”
Alarin nodded. “Sure.”
Merran and Tamara followed Greg into one of the offices. As soon as they were inside the shielded room, Greg turned to Tamara. “May I?”
Tamara nodded, looking mystified. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m checking to see if Merran’s right. It’s very odd that you had an episode without a migraine,” Greg replied, running his hand just above her torso and midsection and up again over her head. And what’s this about, Merran? There’s no way Tamara’s aura would be on you if you didn’t have some kind of interaction with her. Are you willing to be her partner during her Awakening, if this does unfold like an Azellian Awakening? The comment came to Merran on his intimate level.
I think it’s better that Alarin handles that aspect, Greg. I don’t think I can channel her, Merran replied. It was almost impossible on this level not to let some of his true feelings leak a little.
What are you talking about? If Tamara’s interaction with you were stronger, then you would have more likelihood to successfully channel her.
I can’t. Greg, she’s working for me. I can’t let anything discredit my choice of her as an intern.
Channeling does not require sex, Greg told him as he continued to sweep across Tamara’s body.
Merran snorted, a little puff of sound escaping. It will become sexual, Greg. I guarantee you that it will become sexual. I don’t have the strength for it not to.
Then just have her the once. I’ve seen you distance yourself from plenty of women, Merran.
I … can’t. Merran repeated, emphasizing the words a little. Don’t ask me to do this. Do you know what the gossip would do to her? I can’t do it, Greg. I mean it.
Greg seemed to sense some of what Merran hinted at. Would you rather Alarin had her? He might not be able to avoid taking it sexual either.
I’ll deal. I just can’t do this, Greg. I’m … too … emotionally involved.
Something did happen between you upstairs. Greg had long ago finished with his analysis of Tamara, but he continued to pretend to scan her because Merran and he weren’t done. She certainly did have an episode, but it seems like it didn’t sear out her pathways like it should have. If I hadn’t seen it, I wouldn’t have believed it. Yet, she’s not Awake yet either. Do I need to make sure she’s not going to get pregnant?
It was just a kiss. I broke away before it went any further. I didn’t think about her aura.
It’s actually dormant again, but I would imagine it’s got some brown in it right now, if we could see it. You certainly have enough blue in yours for just a kiss. If you want to keep the gossip down, I would suggest not doing that when your staff is in residence. Greg straightened. “You did have an episode.” He spoke to Tamara then. “I wouldn’t have believed it possible, but it didn’t sear out your energy pathways, so it didn’t cause a migraine. Maybe your Awakening will be easy.”
Tamara relaxed abruptly as Greg stepped away from her. “So I’m all right?”
Greg smiled at her. “You’re fine.”
“What were you saying about auras?”
Merran shifted impatiently. “Are you done with me, Greg? I have to greet my guests.”
Greg waved a hand. “Go.” Merran didn’t stay to listen to his explanation of auras or the effect sexual contact had on them. Rather, he fled the room, running from uncomfortable truths he’d discovered, to bury himself in work as usual. Fortunately, tonight he was not going to need much in the way of thought process. Tamara’s presence still had him all tangled up, and he wasn’t sure he had any thought processes to work with.
As soon as Merran left, Greg turned to Tamara. “Auras are energy that all psi give off in the visible spectrum, Tamara. You’ll be able to see them when you’ve Awakened.”
Tamara frowned at him. “I know what they are. But what was Justy talking about when he said Merran had a lot of blue in his aura?”
Greg shook his head. “Just that when a couple has any type of intimacy, usually physical, their auras intermingle and leave a residue. The deeper the intimacy, the deeper the intermingling.”
Tamara’s eyes widened. “You mean there’s actual visible evidence?”
“One of the reasons there’s not a whole lot of point to being coy.”
“How do you hide it, then?”
“Sleep with a non-psi … or you don’t. Everyone’s aura is slightly different in color, so it’s usually not hard to figure out who it was.”
“Do I have an aura?” Tamara looked down at her arm. It looked normal enough.
Greg gently guided her arm down. “Sometimes. Usually right before you’re going to have an episode. Don’t try
. You can’t see your own aura.”
“Uh ... so it shows in an aura? That’s not good.”
Greg smiled. “Merran told me what happened, Tamara. I’m not going to say anything.”
“What about the others? I don’t—Merran doesn’t—well, he doesn’t want people to think he chose me as an intern because he just wanted to sleep with me.”
“I can respect that. But it also means he doesn’t feel like he can channel you, Tamara, should your Awakening progress the way we think it might. It probably would be easier if he could. Because you trust him, the Awakening process might be less traumatic for you.”
“Merran said something about that upstairs. Are you telling me I have to have sex to Awaken?”
“It’s not a have to, but for Azellians it usually goes there, yes.”
“And Merran doesn’t want to.”
“I don’t think it’s a matter of want, Tamara. It’s more like he’s conflicted. From what I could see, he wants to pretty strongly.”
“So why would he say that he wants someone else to get involved?”
“The person who is involved at an Azellian’s Awakening doesn’t usually become our permanent partner, Tamara. We channel huge amounts of energy from the planet and universe itself as the psi comes online, sharing depths of ourselves that can be uncomfortable. It’s not always something you remember, either. Merran may rather wait until after you’ve Awakened, when you will be able to remember most of your first time with him.”
She flushed at that. “Who was your Awakening partner?”
“Our friend Charina.”
“A woman?”
Greg shrugged. “I wasn’t expecting it. Chari was there, so I just went with what was available to me at the time. Besides, we all go through an experimental phase. Mine was pretty short, but I had one too.”
Tamara studied him carefully. He made it sound offhand, but there was something in his voice that made her wonder if there was more to it than he was saying. “What about the others?”
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