Tamara shuddered, trying to keep her eyes away from his chest and stomach muscles. “Do you tease your sister?” She stared at the floor, trying not to look at him.
Alarin laughed. “She’d remove my head if I tried.” His tone made Tamara look up at him. Those green eyes twinkled brightly. “But then Justern didn’t grow up around you, and you’re really cute. Especially when you blush. Besides, he’s Justern. Flirting is his life’s blood.”
Tamara blushed violently, not sure what to make of Alarin’s behavior. Didn’t he have a girlfriend on Azelle? “I’m leaving. See you later.” She walked quite firmly toward the door.
“Tamara,” he said soberly as she lifted a hand to turn the latch. Something in his tone made her stop. “Seriously. I do have one question before you leave. At the risk of raising memories you’d rather forget, when you had your episode last night, what triggered it?”
She turned to face him. It was unnerving to talk to him in his half-dressed state, but she ignored it as best she could. She pressed against the door, squeezing the handle behind her back. “I don’t know. I just wanted to know really badly what she was thinking. To hear like you guys do. And I did. I just couldn’t stop again when I wanted to.” Tamara wrapped her arms around herself and shuddered. “And I learned more than I wanted to know. Ever.”
He stood up, pushing himself away from the desk. “I’m sorry. I was partially to blame for why you got hit with it so badly. I was forcing Joely to remember what happened so Mel or I could pick it up.”
Tamara frowned. “All you were doing was asking her a simple question. Why would that bring back all those thoughts?”
“No one ever has a simple answer to anything, especially not if they’re guilty.” Alarin gave her a look, one she couldn’t read. “Here’s one. Did you have sex with Merran Friday night?”
The question called up an immediate progression of vivid memories—seeing Merran lying on the bed, dark against the light covers, kissing him, wrestling with him in the closet. It brought back her blush, too, and she was suddenly glad Alarin couldn’t read her mind. Given his recent behavior, she wasn’t sure she wanted him to see those memories. “All right, all right, I see what you mean. How did you do that? Are you forcing me?”
Alarin cocked his head to the side. “No, not at all. It’s a simple response. You have to remember what I’m asking about in order to give me an answer, whether you’re lying or telling the truth, unless you’re prepared beforehand. If I’d been forcing you, you would have answered me immediately and not just seen the images in your head. The only trick is in knowing the question to ask. If she’d been Azellian, that would not have worked. I would only have had an answer … truthful, but no details. We can shield those particular association memories.”
Her curiosity peaked. Alarin seemed to be in teacher mode, so she let herself be carried with it. “So when you are walking among humans you get bombarded by these thoughts all the time?”
“Yep. Unless I spend my days shielded, which I usually do. Even then, when the human is thinking some particularly strong thought … at highly emotional times, say … I pick up the most interesting details.”
“Ugh. No wonder I’ve refused to Awaken.”
Alarin frowned. “Your rejection of your Awakening probably did save your sanity, especially if you’ve had to struggle with all of this on your own.” He stepped closer, his green eyes catching hers. “Last night was a huge accomplishment, Tamara. I think Greg’s going to insist you spend your nights either watched over by one of us to maintain a shield, or you are going to have to spend your nights in a shielded area. If you are starting to gain conscious control over the shields that are blocking your psi and holding back your full Awakening, you’re going to be very vulnerable at night. I suspected as much last night, which is one reason I made sure you stayed here.”
Tamara stared at him, an odd feeling passing through her, a cross between excitement and fear. “Have I reached another stage, then?”
“Maybe. Greg’s going to have to see if he can tell. It’s definitely getting closer. You’re using the pathways more and more, and the more you use them the easier it will to be to access them. Your fear is fading and with it your shields that have been blocking your full Awakening.” Alarin saw her expression and continued, “Don’t worry, you didn’t have another episode in your sleep last night.”
The door handled rattled slightly as her hand shook. “How awful is this Awakening going to be, Alarin? Tell me the truth, please.”
Alarin walked over to where she stood. He reached out and brushed the air just above her cheek. It felt like a gentle caress, although he didn’t touch her. “Maybe not bad at all, Tamara. The more of these little episodes you have and the better you deal with them, you may find Awakening to be very simple after all. As easy as waking up one morning able to hear thoughts.”
“How was yours?” Tamara shivered at the kinesthetic sense of his hands near her, although she told herself it was because of the nerves about Awakening. “If that’s not too personal.”
He withdrew, moving to sit on the bed. “That’s about as personal as you can get, considering it’s usually closely connected with our first sexual experience.”
“Never mind,” Tamara sighed, releasing her grip of the doorknob. “I didn’t mean to pry. Maybe I’ll ask Merran about his.”
“It was … intense.” Alarin scooted back against the wall. He focused on a spot somewhere above her head. “I don’t remember it clearly, but I do remember the constant dreams off and on for what seemed like forever, waking up sticky in the morning.” His eyes cleared and he looked at Tamara. “One aspect of adolescence I don’t miss at all.” Then he continued, “During the days, off and on throughout, I could hear conversations in my head. I could even hear the animals communicating. I got the most hideous migraines.”
“Animals? Is that common?”
“Only if you’re sensitive enough to pick up their level. They don’t communicate on the same level as we do, and to hear it you have to be pretty sensitive.” Alarin shifted position. “Mellis, Justern, and Greg can’t. Merran and I can.”
“So you had these migraines, too?”
“Oh yeah. Every day off and on for a month. It was awful. At night, it was the dreams and during the day, one migraine after the other. I knew what was happening, but that didn’t seem to stop any of it.” Alarin’s eyes reflected the pain Tamara knew well. “I made it harder on myself, of course, because I refused to accept that it was happening. I did everything I could think of. Even masturbating before I went to bed did nothing. I wore myself out and still had the dreams. I started waking up with migraines. My sister tried to tell me to stop fighting it. She was in Healer training, and I should have listened, but I was stubborn.”
“What finally stopped it?” Tamara asked, suspecting there was more to the story than he was telling her, but also guessing she wouldn’t hear it from him.
“I met Mellis. She was just starting to Awaken too, and she was … uncomplicated.” It was an odd choice of words, but one that revealed more of the story, if she could piece the clues. “One afternoon we were sunning ourselves at the beach and sharing migraine horror stories, when it occurred to us we were attracted to each other. I don’t remember which one of us started it, but by the time we were done, I was Awake. Looking back on it, I wasn’t too bright about it, especially considering how powerful I am, but it worked and I didn’t burn her or myself out in the process.” Alarin focused on her. “Everyone is different. There are two rules, though, that never fail. The more you resist and the more sensitive you are, the worse it is. I don’t believe Mellis really had much of an Awakening at all, although she did have a few migraines. Through her, I met the others. Justern, who was living with his cousin Charina, and Merran, Charina’s uncle.”
“What about Greg?”
His expression closed down. “I met Greg through his sister Idara. Greg started spending more time with us after he finished his Heal
er training, right before Merran left for Earth.”
Idara, where have I heard that name before? Dropped in some conversation? Alarin’s girlfriend at home, she remembered abruptly. Something told her there was a story there, too, but she let it drop. “Thanks for sharing that with me, Alarin. Even though I have a feeling it was partially meant as a lecture.”
Alarin’s expression cleared and he grinned. “Now why would you get that impression?”
“Maybe because it was?”
He chuckled. “I think you’d better get going, my dear, because I’m getting communications from Merran and Greg that tell me they’re getting antsy. Merran has another press interview today and he has to get moving.”
“All right, all right. Tell them I’m coming.”
“Or you will be.” Alarin grinned wickedly. “Lucky Merran.”
She grabbed a book from the bookcase by the door and threw it at him. He caught it telekinetically before it had gone halfway across the room. “See you later, Tamara.”
She put her hand on the door and turned to him. “Oh, Alarin, can I ask you one more question? What does ala mean? I can’t find it in my dictionary.”
“It’s an affectionate diminutive, equivalent to saying love or sometimes beloved when used between lovers. Why?”
“I heard someone use it and wondered what it meant.” Tamara shrugged, trying to seem casual, but her heart leaped to her throat. “It seemed odd to change a person’s name that way. I heard someone at the embassy talking to someone else. What do women say to men?”
“-alis.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” Tamara opened the door and went out, her heart still pounding at the thought that Merran had been calling her love without her knowing it. It may mean nothing she told herself. There are plenty of humans who run around calling each other love all the time. But he didn’t tell me what it means, did he? And the other translation, beloved, is not casual at all. As she walked over to her room to change and call Merran to see where he and Greg were, she decided that no matter what Merran said, he was going to be the one who initiated her into her adulthood. I want an Awakening memory like Alarin’s. Haven’t I seen Alarin’s affection for Mellis even now? She suspected, though, that she could trigger herself into her psi Awakening without sex involved. I did it yesterday, didn’t I? What if I trigger it when it’s quiet, like the time I went in to set up my intern schedule in Merran’s office and I had an episode without a migraine? That seems so long ago. The key seems to be not losing control … and not to panic.
What if I Awaken first, then sleep with him? The thought of that sent a shiver down her spine. Being able to feel him inside me, in my mind as well as my body—mmm, what would that be like? I can do it. I can Awaken without sex. I really want to, because I don’t ever want to hurt Merran. For the first time since it happened, she let herself remember the climb, the sucking in of energy that had burned along every nerve, the burning of her first sexual experience, and the horror as she realized he was dead, his heart stopped and his brain erased by what the doctors had called a freak electrical accident. But it was me. It was my Awakening and my Awakening alone that killed Doug. Didn’t Greg confirm it when I told him? I would never, could never, hurt Merran like that. Logic told her calmly that Merran was easily as strong as she and could fend for himself, but fear ruled. Fear kept her shackled. Can I let go of being so afraid?
As she walked home, her cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She jumped and answered it.
“Hello?”
Merran sounded irritated. “Tamara, you need to come to my place now so I can let you in. I have to go to an interview in an hour and I want to see this memory you have before I go.”
She pulled open the door to her dorm and walked up the stairs as she talked. “I’m on my way. Can I change first? I’ll even be nice and won’t ask for a shower. You’ll just have to put up with the sleep slime.”
She could hear the slight grin in his voice. “Sleep slime? Sounds like fun. Very slippery.”
Tamara scowled as she opened the door to her room. “What’s up with you Azellians in the morning? You’re all disgusting. I’m on my way.” She hung up and pulled out clothes as fast as she could. Maybe she could shower there. Thinking a bit ahead, she pulled a duffel bag out of the closet. She decided she’d better pack a change of underwear and her homework. If they really wanted her to spend the night shielded, she might as well stay at Merran’s. Later, remembering all that transpired, she wondered if she’d had a flash of foresight.
It took her fifteen more minutes before she walked up to the large blue-glassed skyscraper that housed Merran’s apartment. She stood outside the main doors of the building and touched the pad for his apartment.
“Corina.” Merran’s voice sounded curt and oddly mechanical through the speaker.
“It’s me.”
“Come up.” The door buzzed and she entered, heading for the only elevator that actually went to the top floor. The trip up in the elevator seemed to take forever.
As she stepped off the elevator into Merran’s living room, Alarin lay sprawled on the couch, wearing a pair of jeans and a loose button-down shirt. Tamara stared at him. “How did you manage to get here so fast?”
He grinned. “I have my talents.”
“You do not. Don’t tell me instantaneous transportation is an Azellian talent.”
“It is.” Alarin made his mouth and eyes into perfect o’s.
“Which he doesn’t have. Stop teasing her, Alari,” Greg broke in. “He just didn’t … pack?” He stared at her duffel bag. “What did you bring over?”
Tamara shrugged, swinging the duffel to the ground. “Since Merran wouldn’t let me have a shower at home, I thought I’d bring some clothes over so I could have one before I change.”
Greg raised an eyebrow. “Oookay.”
“How do we want to do this?” Merran stalked into the room from his desk in the back of the apartment. Looming like an annoyed boss, he commented, “You aren’t strong enough to breach her shields, Greg.”
“I’d like to try to let you in,” Tamara walked over to the couch, stepping over the duffel bag. “Alarin told you yesterday that I was able to lower my shields on purpose, right? Well, I’d like to try that again.”
Alarin grinned at her proudly, patting the couch next to him. “We can help.”
“You were right, Alari. She’s definitely reached a new stage.” Merran leaned against the arm of the couch as Tamara settled in between the end of the couch and Alarin.
Greg nodded slowly, kneeling in front of the couch. He waved his hand in front of Tamara’s eyes. She focused on his fingers, then shifted to look at his eyes. “All right. Are you sure you can do this, Tamara? Alarin told me the memory was a difficult one for you. My reading of the memory is going to bring it back again. Are you sure you can hold your shields down? It’s going to be somewhat dangerous for me if they slam back up while I’m in there.”
Merran shifted restlessly on his perch. “Are we going to trigger her Awakening with this? Maybe we’d better do this later, after my meeting.”
Greg stared into Tamara’s eyes. “I don’t think so. It will trigger an episode, I’m sure, but I doubt she’s going to stay open. She should be having steady dreams at night if that were the case. I won’t be able to Heal the migraine, though. I’m still pretty drained from Healing Justy.”
Alarin spoke from his position beside her. “I’ll split the pain with her. Unless she’s Awakened, the painkillers will work if I do that.”
“What kind of dreams?” Tamara touched Greg’s hand. She flushed a little. “I haven’t had sexual ones lately, if that’s what you mean. But I have been having quite a few dreams where I’m flying.”
Greg raised an eyebrow and glanced up at Merran and over at Alarin. “Flying dreams. Unless that’s a new Awakening warning, I’d say we’re safe.”
Alarin shrugged. “It’s worth a try.”
“I would like to try,” Tamara sai
d shyly. “The worst that can happen is I’ll fail.”
“I’m game. I know I’m not up to reading her while she’s shielded.” Greg straightened and moved back to sit on the coffee table.
Merran tapped a hand on the arm of the chair. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of flying dreams being Awakening precursors.” He straightened and scratched behind his ear. “If Tamara wants to make the effort to try to lower her shields, let’s get to it. I’d better warn Janille.” He strode over to his desk.
“Relax, Tamara,” Greg told her. “All right. You remember all those visualization exercises I’ve had you do endlessly?”
Tamara settled back into the leather couch. Greg shifted forward and picked up her hand. Alarin relaxed back against the couch within touching distance—a warm, supportive presence. She let herself drift, closing her eyes and imagining the walls around her mind. Slowly, she took bricks out of the walls, her mental hands shaking only a little. When she was done, she sat quietly, not sure anything had changed.
Very, very good. Open your eyes, Tamara. The voice echoed in her head, the timbre like, but at the same time, unlike his speaking voice. Her heart pounded in her throat as she opened her eyes. Greg crouched in front of her, surrounded by a beautiful amber gold light. It was not so much a halo as a nimbus, surrounding his whole body. She frowned. “Is that your aura?”
Greg winced. Gently, Tamara. Gently. You’re open, don’t forget. Anything you say will also be projected by your mind. His mouth didn’t move, but the voice was definitely his. It didn’t have quite the resonance of his spoken voice, but it came connected with a strong, calm personality. You’re a really powerful projector.
Sorry. Tamara could almost feel her thoughts flying out from her. She imagined pulling them back.
Greg smiled, pleased. Good. Now, I want you to very slowly remember Joely yesterday. Did you see her memories?
Just as Alarin’s question this morning had evoked memories, so did this one. At Greg’s gentle prompting, Tamara imagined herself watching a movie, able to leave at any time. This time, the memories lost the immediacy of yesterday—she was able to close her eyes at the parts she didn’t want to see and ignore the fact that they involved a real person she knew. Just actors on a screen, Greg’s voice whispered to her in her deepest levels. Just actors. He was doing something to her; she could feel it as he adjusted and moved in her mind. The feeling was alien but not unpleasant as he sorted the memories for her, digging up a few she hadn’t known she’d seen, filtering through her perceptions.
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