Alarin brushed across her aura again. “Don’t. Tamara. Give yourself time. I’m not going anywhere, you’re not going anywhere. Let it go for now. I’m not going to pressure you or make you uncomfortable.”
“But you’re talking about a three-way relationship—” Tamara stopped herself mid-sentence. She found that saying it made it sound absolutely awful.
He put his hand up. “I’m not talking about anything at all. Not at all. I’m talking about not thinking about it until later.” His voice did not quite have the crack of command she knew it could, but it was close. He did not want to discuss it now. And God knew she was far too confused to disagree with him.
“You’re right.” She thought about the peace he’d given her just a few moments earlier, a release she had rarely felt in her life. “Merran doesn’t know how to do that trick, does he?”
Alarin shook his head. “No, although he might want to. Not even all Healers can achieve the necessary state of mind to accomplish it.”
“Would it be pushing too hard to ask if sometimes over the next few weeks I could empty my stress and relieve my pain with you?” She couldn’t quite look at him, feeling guilty and embarrassed for asking. “I don’t want to … bring up anything neither of us is ready to handle.”
He shifted on the bed, resting his legs off the edge. “It may be.” He was silent for a moment. “My ability to offer you this comfort comes from my—those issues we’d rather not discuss and shouldn’t be discussed until Merran returns.” He took a breath and she could feel him look over at her. “But I can also see the relief it gave you, and I think I am enough of a friend that I can offer you this. My depths are yours, Tamara.”
Startled, she met his eyes. The awareness in his eyes, the pressure of his feeling for her, and the echo of her own unwanted emotions tugged at her. She closed her eyes against acceptance and felt him brush her lips with a kiss. Her eyes flew open, but he’d moved and was off the bed, so she almost thought she must have imagined it.
A mischievous smile touched the corners of his mouth as he looked down at her. “Of course, I can’t guarantee that you’re going to like what you see in my mind, but I can guarantee it is yours whenever you want.”
Tamara frowned at him, picking up the lightening of his attitude. “That’s an awfully generous offer. Should I be suspicious about your motivations?” She tried for playful and managed frightened.
“My motivations are for you to read, my dear Tamara. Whenever you are ready for them, that is.” Alarin sobered and shook himself. “As it stands now, I’ll leave you alone. Besides, I need a cold shower.”
Tamara flushed. The depression that had lifted with his arrival threatened to return, as did the aching loneliness. Putting her hand out, she touched his wrist. “I—I don’t want to be alone. Do you think it will push us too far if you just hold me?”
Alarin took a deep breath that shook just a little. He looked down at her fingers. With his other hand, he unlaced her digits from his wrist and linked his fingers through hers. A fine trembling carried down his arm and into her hand. “The temptation is strong, Tamara, but I think it’s not a good idea. Maybe once I have my equilibrium back, but right now I’m not that sure of my control. I don’t have it in me to pull back as I did earlier. I’m not certain I can manage it twice in one night. You’re very vulnerable right now, and I’d be taking advantage of that.”
She shivered a convulsive shudder. “Right now I almost don’t care. I’m scared and lonely, and I just want comfort.”
He smiled at her and brushed her aura with his. “I may be able to offer a temporary escape, Tamara, but you will still need to deal with the emotions that you’re generating. Hiding behind a relationship with me or with Merran is not going to change the basic fact that your world is changing. If you still feel the same way in another month, when all the things around us have calmed down, I will gladly join you in that bed or in any other you choose.” He disengaged his hand. “What I can do now, however, is sit over here and keep you company for a while longer.” He settled on her desk.
It wasn’t until later, when she thought it over, that Tamara realized how hard he worked at dispelling the vibes between them. She never did know for sure what it cost him to spend the evening with her, ignoring what must have been a terrible temptation to him. The next morning as she lay in her bed staring at the ceiling, she appreciated his restraint, but at the same time it made it harder to dismiss him from her thoughts. Her feelings for Alarin jumbled together in one fine mess, a chaotic nightmare that didn’t sort out any as her mother continued to slip toward death, as her exams approached and Justern’s trial loomed, and even once Merran returned.
She anticipated and dreaded Merran’s return to Earth at the same time. She’d survived her midterms wondering if she would, and once they were over, she’d gathered a little breathing space, if only briefly. Merran’s shuttle landed at the spaceport at noon after the last day of exams, and Tamara found herself torn between visiting her mother and meeting him at the port. He solved the dilemma for her by contacting her mentally. Stay with your mother, he told her, slipping his mind through hers. I need to consult with your father anyway, so I’ll just come by there when I arrive. I missed you.
I missed you too. Simple truth, Tamara realized, despite Alarin’s disturbing presence. His touch on her shields made her realize just how much she had missed him. So what does that mean about my feelings for Alarin? Can I love more than one person at a time? She came no closer to an answer by the time Merran appeared at the door of her family’s house. He greeted her casually, warm only mentally, and promptly disappeared with Peter for an hour.
He strode out of Peter’s home office an hour later. Tamara sat with Andreya on the couch watching some movie, most of her attention on Merran rather than the movie.
“I’m headed back over to the embassy,” Merran told her as he walked through the living room on the way out. “Did you need a ride to work?” His aura snaked out and slipped suggestive tendrils around hers. Tamara’s breath caught.
“Sure. Let me get my coat.” She got to her feet, stuck her head into her father’s office, and grabbed her jacket from the hook. “Dad, I’m going to work for an hour or so. Be back by dinner.”
Peter responded with some distracted comment, but she didn’t catch it. Hoping she didn’t look too eager, she joined Merran demurely in the car. Both of them maintained a correct distance from each other, Tamara heavily shielded as they drove to the embassy and walked up to Merran’s office. As soon as they stepped into the main office, and it appeared that Janille wasn’t there, Merran turned and kissed her.
“Oh by the aarya, I missed you,” he murmured as his hands searched and found their way under her shirt. She met his kiss with one of her own, then broke off, panting. “This is a little public, don’t you think?”
Merran laughed and pulled her into his shielded office. The door was hardly closed before he kissed her again, drawing her to the leather couch and pulling clothes off as they stumbled along. As he kissed her hungrily, she could feel Alarin not so much between them as with them, sharing the explosive release when it arrived.
Later, when they lay quietly satiated, Merran studied her shields. In the two weeks he’d been gone, her shielding had improved so much that she now leaked as little as Alarin. He had an advantage, though—he could slip underneath her shields and he already knew what was bothering her.
“She’s having trouble with her feelings for us, Merran,” Alarin had told him as he got off the shuttle earlier that evening. “She won’t let me in.”
“But you did go to her?” Merran asked, slinging his luggage over a shoulder. “You’ve got knowledge I don’t and the feelings to give her some true support. Was she able to get benefit out of that?”
Alarin spread his hands. “When she accepted it, yes. The first time I took her emotion for her, she let me, and we even got somewhere. Of course we reacted to it the way you might expect, but I backed off because
I sensed she might have a violent reaction to it. Since then, I haven’t been able to get nearly close enough. She’s too guarded to give me her emotion, too afraid of your reaction, of betraying the agreement she thinks the two of you have.”
Merran frowned at him. “I would never prevent her seeking solace from somewhere or someone else. That would be selfish and cruel. To say nothing about threatening our relationship because I’m being unreasonable. I’ve thought a lot about this over these past two weeks. I can’t give her the part of me that belongs to Azelle, so why should I demand a promise out of her that makes her limit herself, too? This seems to offer a perfect solution, especially if she cares about you.”
“I know that,” Alarin replied, his frustration leaking a little, indicating the depth of his emotion. “You know that. Tamara doesn’t seem to have that attitude. She won’t talk to me about it, either.”
Some hours later, Merran looked down at her, remembering that conversation. Her shields glowed stonily at him. “Akila-ala. Is something wrong?”
Tamara jumped, startled at his perception. Adrenaline rushed through her. “No.” She curled inward, pulling her knees up to her chin.
Merran pushed himself up on one elbow, his skin sliding against hers as he moved. She moved slightly, just enough that they no longer touched. He traced a finger down her side. “I know better than that, Tamara. You’re shielding so heavily at the moment I don’t think an aarya on the attack could get through. Considering that I’m the only one in the room to shield against, I think that means something’s bothering you.”
Tamara’s breath caught in a sob and she turned over. “I—I—something happened when you were gone. Something really bad. I—I didn’t mean it. I ...”
She sounded so miserable that Merran could hardly believe Alarin’s earlier account was accurate. “What happened?”
Tamara could feel tension build in his legs and body, and she lay there, miserably certain their relationship was over but wanting the misery to end. “I—” She swallowed hard. “I—God, I feel so guilty. Alarin—I—we—I kissed Alarin. Only once, and we didn’t go any further,” she said in a rush.
Merran relaxed with an explosive snort. “Is that all? Akila, I thought you had killed someone or something.”
Tamara stared at him. “What?”
“I asked Alarin to go to you and take your emotion.” Merran rested his hand on her stomach and played with her aura. “I knew you were suffering, and as I don’t have the knowledge or the ability but knew Alarin did and I also knew that he has the feelings for you to make it work, I told him to offer. I’ve known full well that if you shared his feelings, the two of you might end up sleeping together. Your Awakening left marks on all three of us, Tamara. It would be terribly selfish of me to demand that you put Alarin out of your mind when he can offer you things I can’t. This time I was called away from Earth for two weeks. Next time it might be a month, or six months. I go where Azelle tells me. There is a large part of me that is and always will be Azelle’s. I can’t change that, and I can’t ask you to limit yourself because of me either. Just because you love your mother, does that mean you don’t love your father? Or because you love one grandparent, you can’t love another? I also care about Alarin too much to ask him to torture himself by preventing him access to someone he cares about as much as he does you. Does your feeling for Alarin mean you don’t care about me?”
Tamara shook her head vehemently. “No, not at all.”
“Well, then, why would your feeling for me mean you don’t care about Alarin? The human heart has a vast capacity to care, Tamara.” Merran stroked his hand lightly up her bare stomach. Her skin twitched. “And life is too short to throw away something genuine just because it doesn’t happen to fit what we think life should be. The aarya sometimes like to stretch our views of the world, and they are doing that to you.”
“You don’t mind?” A hysterical little laugh bubbled through her. “You wouldn’t care, for example, if I were with Alarin, too?”
Merran grinned and slid his body next to her. “It could be interesting to be on the other end for a change.”
Tamara frowned at him. “Other end?”
Merran tapped her nose with his finger. “Don’t tell me you haven’t sensed Alarin riding our lovemaking with us.”
Tamara’s eyes widened and she scrambled to a sitting position, pulling her knees up and staring at him. “You—I—I thought I was just imagining it, that it was my preoccupation with him that made me feel like he’s there. Do you mean to tell me he actually has been?”
“Every time since the first.” Merran leaned back against the couch. “Calm down, akila. It wasn’t on purpose. Your Awakening tied us all together that first time. Since then, I don’t think Alarin could have avoided it if he wanted. You are very strong in the throes of passion, my Tamara, and you suck energy in like a vacuum. It makes sex with you an incredible rush, but it also means that you are pulling Alarin in too.”
She cradled her legs and rocked back and forth. “Oh God. I thought—oh God. It is all my fault. My Awakening, my passion—”
Merran touched her chin. “Tamara, it doesn’t bother me and it doesn’t bother Alarin. Why is it bothering you?”
She shook her head and pulled her chin out of his grasp, burying her head in her knees. “I don’t know. It just seems like … well, like I should be happy with one, that there’s something wrong that I feel for both of you.” She looked up at him. “It just seems wrong … I don’t know. If, for example, I arranged to see you one night and Alarin the next. It feels like I’d be betraying our … my and your … relationship.”
Merran pulled himself up too. He took her shoulders in his hands. “Tamara, the only way you can cheat on me is if you break a trust between us. Isn’t it a bigger betrayal of trust if I expect you to give up pieces of yourself to adjust to me?”
He could sense her reluctant understanding, but she fought against the alien thinking he was offering. “So the concept of cheating on a husband or wife doesn’t exist on Azelle?”
“Of course it does. The basic premise of trusting a husband or wife is the same, and we aren’t perfect. It’s almost impossible to hide, of course, because of the effect on our auras and the fact we can read emotions. But this is different, Tamara. Alarin and you are not engaging in an activity I don’t know anything about, for one thing. For another, I cannot give you everything you deserve or need. My job is an exacting mistress. Our trust, our agreement, is not the same as between two people who don’t have jobs that demand quite so much from them.”
“But wouldn’t it make it easier to just—?” Tamara waved a hand to finish her sentence.
“Have flings whenever? I think you’ll have your hands full with Alarin and me.”
“What about you? You are willing to share me with each other, but I don’t think I could do the same. The thought of you with another woman …” Tamara’s nostrils flared.
Merran shrugged. “I have more than enough with my job and you. The last thing I need is to complicate my life any more than it already is. As for Alarin, I would suggest you do with him what we’re doing. Make an agreement.” He put a hand under her chin and kissed her lingeringly. “I care about you, Tamara Carrington. But any relationship needs work, and just because we have an unorthodox one, don’t think it won’t be the same. I do want to continue to spend time with you, as much as I can spare from here.” He grinned as he pulled back. “This could be fun, you know.”
Tamara could read something about the source of his amusement. “Oh God. When we—today— did you warn Alarin?”
Merran’s grin widened. “Nope.”
She reached out toward Alarin, touched his mind deep in her own, and received a rather rueful reply. They had definitely caught him unawares, although not in too bad a compromising position.
She withdrew and frowned at Merran. “He was talking to Greg. Fortunately, Greg understood and left him alone for the duration.”
Mer
ran laughed a full-throated chuckle. “He’ll have fun getting me back, I’m sure.”
Tamara scowled at him and shoved at his shoulder. “No getting to each other through me.”
The shove degenerated quickly into a wrestling match that led to more. This time, Tamara could feel Alarin clearly, and she rather shyly welcomed him. Although Merran seemed to be fine with the whole thing, she was still not sure about everything. She knew she and Alarin needed to talk too. It was not a conversation Tamara was sure she was ready to have.
They lay with minds semi-entangled after, relaxing together.
“How did your trip to Azelle go?” she asked, playing with his chest hair.
“I managed to prevent them from recalling all of us immediately.” Merran leaned his head back with his hand resting lightly on her hip as she spooned against him. “Which is better than I expected to do. They’re not happy that although there is strong evidence for Justern’s innocence, the prevailing doubt still surrounds and necessitates his trial. At the same time, they don’t want me to reveal any of our talents except through Healers and Greg. I’ve been implying that only Healers can do what most of us can, just so it becomes an isolated case, and the Council agrees with me. It’s going to be a long, hard road to get them to allow any more humans on Azelle, though.”
“But doesn’t the mere fact that Healers exist give Azelle more bargaining power? Greg’s already besieged by requests for help. He can barely move around without the media tracking him everywhere he goes. He’s been reduced to disguises for most of his movement around town. The fact that the media has been blocked from campus is the only thing that makes his life at all bearable right now.”
“I know.” Merran heaved a sigh. “And yes, it does give us some bargaining room when it comes to treaties we’re trying to establish. It doesn’t help Justern, though, unless the leaders of Earth are willing to get involved and speak for him, which it appears they aren’t willing to do at this time. The Council is willing to release a statement supporting Justern according to our justice system, but my hands are tied from influencing things here unless the director, or even the president himself, is willing to do anything to shape the outcome.”
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