by Kate Hardy
When she said nothing, he pushed on. ‘Because I’ve got savings, Abby, and they’re yours if you need them. I’ve seen how you’ve grown your parents’ business and you’re a good manager, so I know you’ll get through this. I’m more than happy to invest in Scott’s if you need me to.’
‘It’s not that.’
To his horror, a tear slid down her cheek, followed by another. And then the tears were unstoppable.
He knew she’d hate it if the waiter came over and saw her crying like this. And he also knew something was really, really wrong. She needed him, and she needed them both to get out of here. Now.
‘Go out to the car. I’ll deal with everything here and then I’ll be with you,’ he said, handing her his car keys.
He went to see the waiter. ‘I’m really sorry, but something’s cropped up and we can’t wait for the meal we’ve ordered. Can I pay the bill? And if I could have a bottle of water to take away, that’d be great.’
The waiter was nice about it, but it felt as if it was taking for ever to sort everything out; and Brad was totally at a loss as to what had upset Abby so much. If it wasn’t the business, was it her parents? He knew she was close to them. Had one of them had bad news about their health? She’d said something about her mother being diagnosed with coeliac disease. Had that been masking something more sinister?
He was really worried by the time he got back to the car.
She’d stopped crying, but her face was pale and she was still looking worried sick.
‘I don’t have tissues,’ he said, ‘but I have this.’ He handed her the bottle of water. ‘I’m going to drive us somewhere quiet, then you’re going to talk to me. I know something’s wrong. If I can do anything to help you fix it, I will, but even if I can’t then talking about it will help you feel a bit better.’
She looked at him. ‘That has to be the most hypocritical thing you’ve ever said.’
He stared at her. ‘What?’ He couldn’t believe she was picking a fight with him, when he was trying his best to be supportive.
‘“Talking about it will help.”’ She actually used her fingers to make fake quotation marks round the words, and that stung. ‘It didn’t, five years ago.’
That stung even more, because he knew it was true—and because now she knew why. ‘You mean, because I didn’t talk,’ he said. ‘I’ve kind of learned that one the hard way.’ He couldn’t stop a note of acid creeping into his voice when he added, ‘And, believe it or not, I might have grown up a bit since then.’
But Abigail wasn’t one to pick a fight. She was straight-talking, but she didn’t deliberately start arguments. ‘You’re trying to deflect me,’ he said. ‘Don’t. Just tell me whatever it is.’
She lifted her chin. ‘You’re not going to like this.’
‘Let me be the judge of that.’
She took a deep breath. ‘OK. You wanted it straight, so I’ll give it to you straight. I’m pregnant.’
As the words sank in, his head spun.
Abigail was going to have a baby.
His baby.
‘But... How?’
‘Oh, come on, Dr Powell,’ she scoffed. ‘You did biology A level and a doctorate in biochemistry—at Cambridge, no less. You know how babies are made.’
‘Of course I know how babies are made,’ he said. ‘But how—?’ No, that was the wrong question. ‘When?’
She swallowed hard. ‘It has to be the night of Ruby’s wedding.’ Her breath hitched. ‘I can’t remember if we used a condom. My head’s blank. But it has to be then.’
He knew she was right. They hadn’t made love again until two nights ago, and it would be way too soon for her to know that she was pregnant from then.
Had they used a condom, that first night?
He thought about it, and his head drew a blank, too.
And he didn’t know what to say.
He opened his mouth, and nothing came out.
Panic flooded through him.
A father.
Would he even make a good father? Everyone had thought he was close to his own father, and in some ways he had been; but half the time he’d worked so hard, driven himself, just to prove himself to Jim. It had felt almost like being in a competition. And not in a good way.
He hadn’t been great as a son, as a brother, as a husband. So how could he possibly be a good dad?
* * *
Abby knew that look.
She’d seen it in Brad’s eyes before, after Jim’s death. The look that told her he was bottling up his feelings and he was going to withdraw from everyone.
So much for thinking that they’d gone a long way to sort out the issues between them. So much for thinking that Brad would change. He might want to change, but maybe at the end of the day that was simply asking too much of him and he couldn’t.
It looked as if she was going to be bringing up the baby alone.
* * *
No. No, no, no. Brad fought against the panic. This was where it had gone wrong last time, because he hadn’t talked. This was way too important for him to mess up. Even if the wrong words came out, he could fix that. He might have to grovel for weeks, but at least they’d be talking. Silence was what would drive her away.
‘Right now,’ he said, ‘I don’t know what to say. I need to think about this. But what I do know is that I’m here for you. Now and always. That’s not going to change. Ever.’
She didn’t look as if she believed him. Then again, he’d let her down before. How did he convince her that it would be different, now? He took her hand. ‘When did you first realise?’
‘Today. When you dropped me off at the café, I walked in and the smell of cooking bacon made me feel really queasy. And then I didn’t want my coffee.’ She dragged in a breath. ‘I thought I was being ridiculous and making two plus two make twenty, until I counted back and realised my period’s a week overdue.’
‘So Ruby’s wedding was right in the middle of your cycle.’ He knew he was analysing this instead of making the right emotional noises, but for pity’s sake he was a scientist. Analysing things was the way he managed his life. It was the way he’d work out what to do next. ‘And you did a test?’
Another tear slid down her cheek. ‘I even went two towns away to buy one, to a supermarket where I knew nobody would have a clue who I was.’
So nobody would gossip. That was the thing about living in a small town: everyone knew everyone else, and also knew all their business. If anyone had seen Abby buying a pregnancy test today, the whole of Great Crowmell would have known by now.
‘Good idea,’ he said. ‘And it was positive.’ It was a statement, not a question. Even though she was probably panicking every second that she waited for the results, Abby wouldn’t have misread it.
She nodded. ‘I bought one of the digital ones, the ones that actually use words instead of coloured lines, so there could be no mistake. No squinting at it and trying to work out if there’s really a line or if you just think it’s there. Plain text.’
‘Also a good idea,’ he said.
She was pregnant.
With his baby.
If this had happened when they’d still been married, he would’ve been thrilled. He would still have been a student, so money would’ve been tight, but they would’ve managed.
Now, financially he was in a much better position. He’d inherited money from his father and invested it well; plus he’d been promoted rapidly at work. If Abigail wanted to stay at home with the baby, he could afford to support her.
Emotionally, they could still be poles apart. These last few days, he’d thought they’d grown closer. He’d known that he was still in love with the woman who’d stolen his heart when they’d been teenagers. He’d woken up with her in his arms this morning, and he’d felt happier than he had in years. Tonight was supposed to be about their future. About whether they were going to give each other a second chance and get back together.
Technically, she’d be the one giving
him a second chance. He was the one who’d messed up.
But now the situation was different. She was expecting their baby. So there was only one thing they could do, and everything else would just have to fall into place from that. ‘OK. It’s obvious what we have to do. We’ll get married again,’ he said.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THAT WAS BRAD’S answer to their situation? A blithe ‘we’ll get married again’? No discussion, no finding out how she felt, no telling her how he felt? Abigail could barely believe what she was hearing. And this couldn’t have been further from the first time he’d asked her to marry him, when he’d promised to love her for the rest of time.
‘No,’ she said.
He frowned. ‘What do you mean, no?’
‘We haven’t discussed anything, Brad. Not how we feel about each other, not whether we actually want to keep seeing each other in the future, not the logistics with me living here and you living three hours away in London...’ She shook her head. ‘We can’t get married.’
‘It’s not as simple as just whether we want to see each other or not,’ he said. ‘The situation’s changed. We have a baby to consider now.’
‘And that’s why I can’t marry you,’ she said. ‘Last time we were married, your dad died and you didn’t cope with it. You pushed me away—and I let you do it, so it’s not all your fault and I’m not dumping the blame on you. But you froze me out, Brad. Next time we have to face something awful in our lives—and the chances are we will—what happens then? Will you freeze me and the baby out?’
He looked hurt. ‘I’m older, now. Wiser. I hope.’
‘You hope.’ She knew she was being unfair, maybe even cruel, but this was too important to be swept under the carpet. ‘But you can’t be sure.’
‘I talked to you after the lighthouse. And I told you things yesterday I’d never really talked about to anyone else.’
Which was a big thing for him, but it still wasn’t enough to allay her fears. And the only way she could think of now was to tell him straight. ‘What happens if it’s something really awful—God forbid, if something happens to your mum or to Ruby? Or you get made redundant, or...’ She blew out a breath. ‘There are all sorts of things that could get in the way. How do you know you’re not going to freeze me out again, next time things get tough?’
‘Because I’ll try harder, this time. I know where I messed up. I won’t repeat my mistakes.’
He might not intend to, but she could see the panic in his eyes. He might not be able to help himself. ‘If it was just me to consider, I might take the risk. But, as you said, we have a baby to think of now.’ She raked a hand through her hair. ‘I say “baby”. At this stage it’s just a handful of cells.’
He went white. ‘Are you suggesting...?’
‘A termination? No.’ She shook her head. ‘That’s not the answer for me. I’m keeping the baby. I know Mum and Dad will be there for me—your mum and Ruby will be there, too. I’ll have support as a single mum.’
His eyes were very, very dark. ‘Is that what you want? To bring the baby up on your own and have nothing to do with me?’
‘No,’ she said tiredly. ‘Of course I don’t want that. We’d make arrangements for access. I’d never keep the baby from you. Your family will be very much part of this baby’s life.’
‘My family, but not me.’
‘You’re three hours away, Brad. In London. It’s not a workable situation for a relationship, living that far apart.’ She blew out a breath. ‘And that’s something else we haven’t discussed.’ Where they’d live, if they tried to make a second go of their marriage. There was so very much to think about, and she wasn’t sure she could do this. ‘I don’t expect you to leave London and come back here.’
‘My career’s in London.’ He paused. ‘But I could retrain. I could teach chemistry in secondary school. The education authority is crying out for science teachers.’
‘You’d hate every second of it. You love the lab—you always have, and you always will. I could see you working with undergraduates, maybe, but only in a job where you got to do a big chunk of research as well. I won’t ask you to give that up.’
His expression was very serious. ‘And you love your job here. Not just the job, the place. And your family’s here. I can’t ask you to give that up.’
She shook her head in sheer frustration. ‘I can’t see any way to compromise, Brad. If we’re to be together, one of us has to move and uproot everything.’
‘So what’s your solution?’ he asked.
Not moving to London. Not being isolated with a small baby, hours away from her family and with Brad working ridiculous hours at the lab so she and their child would barely see him.
‘I don’t know.’ She swallowed miserably. ‘I thought tonight we were going to talk about things. About what we want.’
‘Then let’s do that. What do you want, Abby?’
Him. And the baby. And her business. Everything.
Which was greedy.
She couldn’t have it all.
And if she told him what she really wanted... He’d already offered to retrain as a school teacher and move back here, two things she knew he’d hate. How could she ask him to do that? It would only make him miserable, and in the end he’d grow to resent her and the baby. Their marriage would crumble again, only this time there’d be someone else hurt by the fallout.
She couldn’t see any way out of it.
She was about to tell him so when his phone shrilled.
To her surprise, he ignored it.
‘Brad, that might be important.’
‘Then whoever it is will either leave a message or ring back,’ he said.
His phone went again, and this time he glanced at the screen before rejecting the call.
‘Who was it?’ she asked.
‘Sunetra.’
His number two at the lab. She frowned. ‘Brad, it’s eight o’clock at night. That’s not a normal time to ring someone about work. So it must be important.’
‘You’re more important than work.’
That made her feel slightly better, but if she’d had a call about work at this time of the evening she’d know there was a problem and she’d want to act on it. ‘Call her back,’ she said.
He sighed, but did so; though Abigail couldn’t tell from his side of the conversation if there was a problem or what Sunetra wanted from him.
When he ended the conversation, he looked at her. ‘The reason it’s late is because Sunetra was staying on to wait for some results in the lab. It seems we might have had a bit of a breakthrough and she wanted to let me know.’
‘That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’ But he didn’t look as excited about it as she’d expected. ‘I’m going to ring my boss and tell him I need to stay here for a bit longer.’
She shook her head. ‘Brad, it sounds as if your team needs you there. You can’t let them down. You have a responsibility to them—just as I have a responsibility to my team.’
‘I know, but I don’t want to let you down, Abby.’
He was clearly torn between his duty to work and his duty to her. But he hadn’t mentioned a word about his feelings towards her, just about his responsibilities. So she’d make this easy for him.
‘We’re at stalemate. And maybe we need some time apart to think.’
* * *
Time apart to think.
Brad had been here before. Five years ago. And that was where it had all unravelled. Time apart had turned into a divorce.
‘No.’
She frowned. ‘What do you mean, no?’
‘No, we don’t need time apart to think. We need time together to think.’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘You’re right—I do need to be in London. But I want to be here with you.’
‘You can’t be in two places at once. And you have responsibilities at work.’
‘Last time you said we needed time apart to think, I let you go—and it was the worst d
ecision I ever made,’ he said. ‘I’m not making that mistake again.’
‘I’m not the one who’s going, this time.’
‘Fair point. And this isn’t an open-ended thing. Because I’ll be back tomorrow night. Whatever promises I have to make, whatever I have to do to make things work in the lab, I’ll be back for you tomorrow. We’ll both have had time to think about the baby and what we want. And we’re going to talk, Abby. I’m going back to London now, but this isn’t over. Not by a long way.’
He drove her back to her cottage. As he parked outside, he really wanted to kiss Abby and tell her he loved her and make a family with her, but he didn’t want to put any pressure on her. He wanted her to be with him because she wanted to be with him, not because she thought she had a duty to the baby.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ he said.
She looked as if she didn’t quite believe him, and that hurt. Yes, he’d let her down in the past—but they were both older and wiser. Faced with that same situation, he knew they’d both do things differently now.
‘Have a safe journey,’ she said. ‘Text me when you get back.’
‘It’ll be late.’
‘That’s OK. Just text me.’
‘OK.’
For a moment, he thought she was going to reach over and kiss him. And then he’d tell her that he loved her and never wanted to let her go again.
But she didn’t.
She just looked bone-deep tired and miserable.
Which was pretty much how he felt, too, and he hated having to leave. Though he knew she was right. He had responsibilities and there were conversations he really needed to have at work. Because, even if Abby didn’t want to be with him any more, she was having his baby. And he wanted to be there for her and their child. He didn’t want to be the dad who turned up on the odd weekend and took the child to the playground and a fast-food place. He wanted to be part of their lives. Be there for every scan and antenatal class, the first day at nursery and the first day at school, all the nativity plays and sports days.
He waited until Abby was safely back inside the cottage before he drove back to London. And he thought about their situation all the way back.