I catch up with him fast. “Under the circumstances, yeah. I can play it that way if you want, Prez.” I narrow my eyes. “You’ve spoken to Demon? How much have you told him? Has he any idea why I’m really going?”
“Nah. Just told him I had a member who needed some time to get his head on straight. What you tell him when you get there, well, I’ll leave that to you. You’ll be on the ground, you make the calls. I did tell him you put in a request to go nomad.”
I sit up straight, that puts a different perspective on matters. “Lose my fuckin’ Tucson rocker?” I rapidly shake my head. Don’t like that. Don’t like that at all.
“It makes sense, and it’s the role I’m asking you to play. The mother chapter’s representative checking out the other chapters.”
“Chapters?” I thought a few weeks away and then I’d be back. This is a more serious decision than I expected.
“We can revisit when you’ve sorted out Colorado.” He shrugs.
Nomad. A biker, on his own. Essentially Drummer’s traveling enforcer. It’s not that I can’t do it. It’s the thought of the loss of the rocker denoting me without a permanent chapter that concerns me. Tucson’s my home, I’m not ready to say goodbye to it.
“Makes it easier for your brothers to accept, Beef.” Drummer’s tone is persuasive. “A request from you to go nomad, without having to explain your personal circumstances. Someone has to do it. No pressure. Your choice.”
“I can come back, Prez. Can’t I?” If my voice has a hint of desperation in it, I can’t help it.
Drummer suddenly snarls, “Be fuckin’ hard to see you go, Brother. Believe that. But I need someone in Colorado, you need some distance from your life here. Of course, you can fuckin’ return when you’re ready, and when Demon’s got his top team sorted.”
Simple, really. A chance to get out of Sally’s life, or rather, her out of mine. A break away from the love and perfect relationships I see all around me. Time to catch my breath and decide what I really want, without hankering after a woman called Becca. A task that Drummer thinks I’m up to. “Prez.” The determination in my voice has him grinning. “I’d like to put in a request to become nomad.”
“Bring it to the table,” Drummer replies, standing, his hand outstretched. I stand too and take it.
Chapter Three
Normally I’d include my best friend in any plans I’m making. This time, I keep my thoughts to myself. When I eventually tell my brothers my intentions, my decision doesn’t go unchallenged.
“You are fuckin’ jokin’.” Rock stares at me across the table. I’d waited until all other business had been sorted at Friday night’s church, then tabled my request. “You knew about this, Prez?”
Drummer eyes my best friend. “Of course I fuckin’ did. Beef has my blessin’.”
“You’re really walking out on us?” Peg’s shaking his head.
“Sergeant-at-arms,” Drummer snaps. “Beef’s request fits in with my plans. I need eyes and ears in Pueblo.”
“Yeah, but Beef?” Blade’s looking utterly shocked. “We need him here, Prez.”
“This have anything to do with the woman you’re shacking up with? She been putting pressure on you to move?”
Drummer was right. I really don’t want to air what a failure I’ve been at having an old lady at the table. My response to Rock is simply to tell him, “Nothing at all. She won’t be coming with me.”
“Christ, she’s going to love that. You told her?” Lady seems to have got her measure.
I just glare at him. The fact that I haven’t, yet, is none of his business. Got that pleasure to come.
“If you don’t want to agree to Beef removing his Tucson rocker, who else do you suggest? Who’s volunteering?” Drummer asks in a reasonable tone.
We’ve got the best clubhouse in the charter. Swimming pool, houses being built at the top of the compound for any couple who wants one, enough women snapping whips so the prospects keep the clubroom clean and tidy. Anyone would be a fool to want to leave. A wave of homesickness crashes over me, even though I haven’t yet packed my bags, and I remind myself, one word to Drummer and I’ll be back. I tell them that, too. “It’s not forever. Just until I’ve sorted business.”
“And after Colorado. Where will you send him then?” Dollar asks.
My eyes snap to Drum’s. Hoping he won’t say that I’ll be wandering clubhouse to clubhouse.
Prez gazes at me intently. “Wherever there’s a need.”
He means until Sally’s given up on me coming back, doesn’t he?
Rock’s stare is almost worse than that of the prez. “You un-claiming your ol’ lady?”
“I can’t take her with me, not that she’d want to go. Seems wrong to keep her tied down when my future’s uncertain. So, yeah, Brother.” It’s not like I’ve patched her yet. Since she’s not shown any inclination to be on my bike, nor party at the clubhouse, I haven’t given her a vest.
“Your mind’s set?” a voice sounds resigned.
I’ve an affinity with Road. After Rock met Becca, and before I had Sally, I’d taken to sharing women with him. You get a certain closeness when you feel another man’s cock as he’s sliding into their ass, and you’re in their cunt. Or vice versa.
I take a moment to look around this table, realising this is the last time for fuck knows how long. The table I first sat at when, like Drifter who’s keeping silent, I’d first got my patch. I’m gonna miss this. Miss every-fuckin’-one. I then focus on Road and raise my chin. “Yeah, it is.”
He stares back, then nods in resignation. “Then let me wish you good luck, Brother.”
There’s silence. A few eyes look toward Rock as though for guidance. It’s no secret that while we’d all give our lives for each other, Rock and I have a bond that’s stronger than most. I took a bullet while sheltering his injured body under my own, and had no problem doing it, knowing he would have done the same were the positions reversed.
I watch him dropping his head into his hands as he realises things will change. His friend who he’s relied on for so many years, who’s always had his back, will no longer be sitting opposite him. No longer will we high five each other across the table when we share a joke.
Everyone gives him the time he needs until finally he looks up and meets my eyes. “Will miss the fuck out of you, Beef, but you have to do what you need to.”
That’s all everyone needs. They go from suspicious to full one-hundred percent support. My eyes water. This is my family, and I’m leaving them. Not forever. But being nomad is dangerous, riding without a brother at your back. There’s always the chance, however much I want to, I won’t be sat around this table ever again.
A thought Peg seems to echo. “Prez, we’re leeching members instead of trying to build up the club. Aren’t you worried about that? Dart went to San Diego, and now Beef’s going off to Colorado. And Truck…”
“Truck will be back,” Drummer says firmly.
“You think?” Blade challenges. “Man refuses to see us, or his fellow firefighters. All we know is that he’s fucked up. Might not be able to take his place around this table even if he wanted to.”
There’s a moment of silence as we all think about the new member. Patched him in on the eve of his transfer to a hotshot wildfire fighting team in California. He’s didn’t die, but that’s as far as anyone knows.
“If you do get to see him,” I offer into the quiet, “give him my best.”
“A message from Satan?”
I snort. A reference to us both having come far too close to Hell’s door.
Chapter Four
Telling my brothers I was going nomad ended up being easy, compared with trying to explain my absence to Sally.
“What will I do while you’re gone, Beef?” She pauses, dabbing her eyes with a tissue, then loudly blowing her nose. “What will the kids do?”
I hate seeing a woman cry. My reaction is always to stop their tears, and if that means saying what they wa
nt to hear, that’s what I normally do. Where a woman’s concerned, I’m the ultimate peacemaker. If it had been just me, I’d back down, tell her I’ll stay, that I won’t walk out the door. But Drummer’s relying on me.
It wasn’t garbage he’d spouted, wasn’t an excuse he’d made up. I’d been in Pueblo with him. While I respect the hell out of Demon, he’s been thrust into the role of president and needs a good strong number two. Thunder, his sergeant-at-arms, is wearing the VP hat reluctantly. No one else in the chapter wants to step up, and remembering what I’d seen of them, while I respect them all as members, there’s no one I could point to and say they’d be right in that spot.
I’m far from VP material myself—I only have to look at Wraith to know that. But maybe I can advise someone else, build them up, so they are capable of being at Demon’s side. Or, even, suggest a transfer in from another chapter. Dart, who used to be a member in Tucson, is now Lost’s VP in San Diego, and by all accounts, is doing very well too.
Drummer’s right to identify the weakness in Colorado. So I’m not going off on a fool’s errand, I’ve got a job to do. The fact Sally can’t understand how the club comes first is another sign she’d never make it as an old lady.
“Why Beef, why? Can’t one of the single men go?”
I don’t explain that deep down I still view myself as single, though I don’t the freedom which comes with that. I haven’t told her much about why I’m leaving, that’s club business. But I’ve said what I can. Now I repeat it again. “Sally, my president has asked me to do a job. I can’t refuse. I’m a member of the club. He says I’ve got the right tools, and I go where he needs me.”
“If he doesn’t need you here, why don’t you leave the club? You must be able to do something else. You’re a vet…”
She breaks off as my eyes roll. Has she any idea how many vets are homeless with no work to do? What skills do we return with? Oh yeah, how to kill a man with our bare hands. Skills only something like an MC find useful. Leave the club? Never. I’ll die a member.
“Can I talk to him? Tell him how much I, and the kids, need you?”
My eyes roll again and widen. I clamp my mouth shut. It’s not like I’m a kid at school needing her to go to bat on my behalf with the teacher.
“Sally, we’ve only been together a few months. For years it was just you and the kids. They like me, I like them, but I haven’t been around long enough for them to see me as a substitute father.”
“Can we come with you?”
“We’ve been through this, Sal. I’m expected to live on the compound. It’s not like Tucson at all. It’s a converted steel factory. Not suitable for kids.”
“We could rent a house.”
“No, Sally. Just, no. I’m leaving, and that’s final.” My words in a tone I’ve not used with her before echo around the room. The irrevocability of my statement leaving her no room for a comeback. She’s tried all the weapons she has, persuasion, coercion; nothing has worked.
She sobs, then tries to angrily wipe the tears away. “You don’t want me, do you?”
“It’s not you, Sal, it’s my job.” She’s given me an out, I’m a weak man, I can’t take it. I don’t want her to think there’s anything wrong with her.
“You’ll come back to visit?”
I can’t even promise her that. “I don’t know if I’ll have the time.”
“And how long will you be away for?”
“I don’t know.”
A little gasp, then she forces the issue. “You’re not coming back, are you?”
“I’m coming back.” My tone is positive at that.
“But not to me.”
“Let’s see how things go, shall we?” I give a half smile. “You might not miss me at all.” When her mouth drops open, I step closer, gentling my voice. “Sal, I don’t want to lead you on, but it’s not working out how I thought. Maybe I’m not old man material.”
But when she scoffs and says, “The old ‘it’s not you it’s me’ talk.” I realise I have to give her some of the truth.
“It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s us, Sal. I know you think it’s working out, but it isn’t. The man I am around you, isn’t the man I want to be.”
“Look, my last marriage wasn’t perfect. Maybe I’m trying too hard to be the good wife I thought you’d want. I can change Beef. Give me a chance.”
But she couldn’t change into the woman I need her to be. Someone more adventurous, someone who wants to be part of my life rather than just fitting me in as part of hers. “If nothing else, Sal, this time apart will give us a chance to examine our feelings for each other.”
“I know mine. I love you.”
But she doesn’t, not really. She loves the idea of a man who comes home to her each night. And the most I’ve got going for me is that I don’t use my fists on her. Not the ideal for a perfect relationship. I don’t reply. I can’t say I love her back. I never have, and while I tried hard, now I know, I never will.
Had I led her on? Maybe. But as Drummer said, she was the one chasing me. I’d agreed to move in until she settled and got comfortable, not realising that time would never come. I’ve got my escape route now. I’m going to use it.
“Let’s sleep on it. Things will look different in the morning. I’m going to bed. You coming with me?”
She doesn’t get it or won’t accept it. A few hours aren’t going to change my mind. I don’t reply as she walks down the hall leaving me feeling like the biggest heel in the world. My brothers had made relationships look easy, but this experiment proves they’re not, at least for me. I’m taking this experience as a serious warning not to let another woman get close. I’ll do okay on my own. I’m off to a clubhouse of mainly single men. Sweet butts on tap. That will do for me. I never want to be in this position again. Nah. I gave a relationship a chance once, and it’s shown it isn’t for me. I wonder how my brothers do it, being at their old lady’s beck and call? Nope. Definitely not for me.
The sounds of her using the bathroom fade, water running into the sink, a flush, then the bedroom door opens and shuts. I start walking around, looking at the shit of mine I moved in. A few Harley magazines, they go in the trash. A parts manual, that I’ll take. I open drawers and cabinets slowly realising how little of me is here. The remainder of my clothes I hadn’t already taken to the clubhouse, I’ll pack in the morning. Shooter volunteered to bring the truck to take what I can’t fit in my saddle bags and put it into storage at the club, but to be honest, there won’t be much.
After puttering around for a while, I sit down on the couch, lean back my head and try to sleep.
“You didn’t come to bed,” her accusing voice wakes me the next morning.
“I thought you’d prefer to be on your own,” I lie. Then stand and stretch. “Shooter will be here soon, I’ll go grab my shit.” I don’t want to rehash last night’s conversation. I want to get out of here as fast as I can. It doesn’t take me long to get my toiletries from the bathroom, then separate my clothes into those I’m taking and those I’m leaving behind. There’s just one more thing I need to do.
I take out my knife and slice the Tucson Chapter patch off my cut, then, raiding Sally’s sewing kit get a needle and thread and sew the Nomad one on instead. Christ, by the time I’ve finished I’ve pricked my finger more than once, as it’s hard to see through the tears that had fallen when I took off the Tucson insignia. The residual wetness on my face reminding me, I’m shedding none at the thought of leaving her.
She tries one more time. “Am I still your old lady, Beef?”
“Beef, you ready?” Shooter shouts from outside the door.
“Give me a minute,” I respond, then turn back. “Sal. It’s been…” Good? Interesting? A lesson learned? “Say goodbye to the kids for me.”
“Beef. Don’t go.”
“I have to Sal. It’s what I’ve been asked to do. And to be honest, it’s best for us to have a break too.”
“Will you be faithful?”
What? Oh fuck, why did she have to go there? I’m itching for my cock to get the sort of workout it loves. I’m already salivating at the thoughts of the sweet butts in the Colorado club. “Sal, babe. I’ll be gone a while.”
“No, Beef. You said we’re on a break, not that we’ve broken up. My feelings for you won’t change. I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else.”
Not sleeping I can promise her. But that’s not fair.
“Beef?” Shooter yells.
“I’ve got to go, babe.” One more look at her face, and I know I have to leave her with something. With a silent apology to my dick, I offer the words she wants to hear. “I promise.”
She goes on her tiptoes to kiss me. I turn my cheek so her lips press only against my skin, then, I open the door and leave. Shooter takes a bag of clothes and throws it in the back of the truck.
I stand wiping my brow with my hand, then pass it down my face. I’m a fucking idiot with no one to blame but myself. I could simply have said the words, it’s over, yet couldn’t force them out of my mouth. I’m postponing the inevitable, not cancelling it. Well, I only got what I deserve.
“Man, you look like shit,” Shooter tells me when he catches sight of my face. Thanks for that, friend. “You going to be okay for the ride?”
I just toss him a glare. I could ride in my sleep, I’ll be fine. Right now I’m trying to get my head around the fact that I, an oversexed biker, have just promised to be celibate. For a woman I’ve no feelings for. She’ll never know. But I will.
What a fucking mess.
Rock and the others had wanted to give me an escort out of our territory, but I’d turned them down, wanting to start as I am meant to go on. I’m now nomad, a biker riding alone, best get used to it. It was tempting to ride one last time alongside my brothers, but I’d preferred to say my goodbyes at the clubhouse. There would never be a good time to part company.
I follow Shooter as he drives back to the compound, but when he turns off, I carry straight on. I swear I have to fight my bike for a moment as it seems to want to steer in the direction of what I consider my true home.
Devil's Due: Satan's Devils MC Colorado Chapter #3 Page 3