Matchmaker's Guidebook
Page 2
Twenty years: Waiting for the youngest to go off to college so me and the missus can buy a Winnebago and start spending the kids' inheritance, of course!
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6. When do you want to retire?
After a long and distinguished career spent in service to the Lord's flock. Though there is a chance that certain investments I've made will pay off handsomely in the very near future. If they do, I could be persuaded to retire early.
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7. What does retirement look like to you?
I think retirement will present new opportunities and challenges. I'll be old, but I sure won't be dead!
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8.What kind of lifestyle do you want after retirement? (Active, laid-back, etc.)
All of the above! It is especially important to me that I have varied intellectual pursuits, to keep my mind sharp. Classical literature, the Good Book, etc. Retirement would also let me spend more time perfecting my comedy routines.
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9.Do you have a retirement account?
I was taught the value of thrift at an early age. My father insisted that after I tithed to the Church, I should lay aside another tithe for my future. Even in lean times, I refused to touch it, and owing to some sound investment advice, the account has grown beyond anything I could have hoped.
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10.How do you invest? (conservative, aggressive, etc.)
When it comes to investments, I've always felt a little out of my depth. But I benefit from the wise counsel of others, one person in particular. Her investment advice has never led me astray
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11. Do you smoke?
Women sometimes tell me I'm SMOKING HOT! Just a little joke. I don't smoke and would never stoop to dating someone who does.
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12. What are your strengths?
I'm incredibly sweet and romantic. I've read widely and am knowledgeable about a wide variety of topics. I'm also a delegator. If I don't know how to do something, I know how to find someone else who will do it for me. I may not be great at car repairs, but a handshake is all it takes for me to know if a mechanic will try to cheat me. Why, I've even delegated my wisdom! When I'm not sure what's the wise thing to do, I know a certain person who is ready to give me great advice.
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13. What are your weaknesses?
I sometimes don't know when enough is enough. Sometimes I can be a little much: a little too kind, or too loyal to a friend. I might say something so clever that a whole room goes silent while the others struggle to come up with an equally clever reply. I can be an intense person sometimes.
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*E.B.NOTES: If I didn’t think it would be too painful I’d ask Bill to redo this section. He’s since learned of a problem with his retirement accounts and that could have an impact on how he now sees his future.
The line about how he can be a little much should be highlighted. Bill is truly the kindest, loyal, and giving person I know besides Jane. Yes, it might be mandatory considering his profession but he was like that as a teen. Who happened to be crying out for help through vandalism and petty theft. It was Bill who helped us put this business together. I would not be able to do what I love had he not had enough faith and trust in Jane and me. For that I will be forever grateful and a little biased where he’s concerned.
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WHAT DO YOU WANT?
1. Do you consider intimacy more important than love?
By 'intimacy' I assume you mean the physical acts reserved for a man and his wife. Of course love is more important, but physical intimacy between a man and his wife is a celebration of that love. And I am really eager to celebrate.
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2. How often do you expect intimacy?
As I've mentioned, five children would be ideal, and so I must have intimacy at least five times! Another of my amusing little jokes, though I must admit I stole that one from a sitcom I watched on Netflix. I don't recall the name, but it had me in stitches.
But back to the question. While I do not believe it is appropriate for a man to be a slave to his appetites, scientific studies have proven that your body suffers greatly when deprived too long of 'intimacy.' A wise friend has pointed me to these studies, which have left me in no doubt: the ideal is daily for the first year of the marriage, three times a week thereafter.
3. List four things you require in an intimate relationship.
1. A willing spouse
2. A bit of privacy
3. A little Kenny G to set the mood
4. Something skimpy and lacy wouldn't hurt. Preferably red. Rowr!
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4. If you don’t connect with someone right away, do you give them more chances to grow on you or do you move to the next person?
To answer, allow me to crib from my sermon from last week. At the encouragement of one of my church's most prominent donors (I won't say who, but she's quite famous), I frequently use my weekly sermons to discuss romance and courtship. She thinks it helps draw a younger crowd.
In the sermon, I compared the dating pool to an actual pool, stocked with fish, with many fishermen on boats. Sometimes you catch a fish, but she is too small, or of a species that's out of season. What does the fisherman do? Does he put the fish in an aquarium and feed her mayflies until she weighs enough to satisfy the game warden? No! He throws her back, puts more bait on the hook, and continues his search. On another expedition, he may catch the very same fish, but this time she's in season and put on a few pounds.
The search for a suitable life companion is much the same. If you meet a person who isn't quite marriage material, is it fair to either of you to continue the relationship while you wait (possibly for years!) for them to grow into the person you're looking for? No. Better to try your luck with the next woman.
Throwing her back in the pond gives you both time to grow and change.
I must say, my parishioners loved the sermon. I think it's one of the best I've ever given.
Please use the remaining space for more detail. The more detailed your answers, the better.
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Why are you using a matchmaker?
I'm not the sort of man who would usually turn his love life over to a matchmaker. I have no trouble getting dates, believe me. But trusted sources have told me that Meryton Matchmakers can introduce me to a higher caliber of ladies, attractive, intelligent, women with ambitions toward marriage. I believe my sources, and they say the speediest route to matrimonial bliss runs through Meryton Matchmakers. You can rely on their perseverance, their discretion, and their money back guarantees. These two excellent ladies want nothing more than to make your dreams of romance come true. Your heart is safe in the hands of the Bennet sisters.
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*E.B.NOTES: I would use this as testimony for our fancy new website if I was certain he wasn’t poking fun at this entire process. I’ve gone through this several times, laughing at how clever he is, and am hung up on the remark about having a preference for women from the Orient. I never knew this, and yet, I’m not sure he isn’t pulling my leg. He and Lottie grew up on Singapore Lane. Is his remark secret code?
Mr. Collins questionnaire was completed by the über talented Bryce Anderson, author of The Vampires of Northanger.
3
Mary Bennet
GENERALITIES
GENDER: Female
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NATIONALITY: American.
(Would you be interested in dating someone outside your nationality?) Open
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OCCUPATION: Human Resources
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ATTRACTED TO:
SAME SEX
OPPOSITE SEX XX
BOTH/NOT SURE
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FAITH
Do you belong to any religious organization, sect, or cult? Please list your denomination below.
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DENOMINATION:
Devout Episcopalian, former nun.
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*
*E.B.NOTES: WHAT?!?!?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
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1.How often do you go to church, synagogue, or other?
I am ashamed to say I am currently in between churches, but when I find a new house of faith, I go daily.
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2.Would you be willing to date someone outside your faith?
If they would be open to converting, yes.
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MARRIAGE
1.Are you seeking a life partner?
YES: determinedly, yes
NO:
2. Do you want a family? How many children?
If God allows.
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FAMILY
1. How would you prefer to spend your holidays?
(Mountains? Beach? Hotel/amusement parks? Camping/hiking/backpacking? With family?)
In nature, we can be one with God.
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2. How do you feel about relatives visiting?
For a day or two?
They are welcome
Longer is okay?
Yes
Could they live with you?
I would never turn away a family member or friend in need. It is unchristian, however, I would always disclose the size of my humble abode.
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3. How would you manage family order? (i.e. Who would be in charge of what? Money/finances? Kids? House?)
I would expect my fiancé/husband to assume all responsibilities when it comes in regards to our money and finances, which include purchases or sales of anything large that we own, and I would assume the proper role of taking care of the house and children.
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WHO ARE YOU?
E.B.NOTES: YES, Mary. WHO ARE YOU!! I’m stunned about the nunnery. Not as much about these responses. They have become her deflector.
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1. What is a motto or creed that you live by?
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. – Romans 12:12
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2. What is your ideal rest day?
Half day in church, half day in prayer
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3. What is your most embarrassing moment?
Discovering my calling was not to be a nun.
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4. Do you believe that you are a fun person?
Of course.
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5. Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten? Twenty?
Married with children, following God’s will.
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6. When do you want to retire?
My retirement income begins at 65.
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7. What does retirement look like to you?
Church in the mornings, Christian volunteer work in the afternoons and peaceful prayer in the evenings
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8. What kind of lifestyle do you want after retirement? (Active, laid-back, etc.)
Active in the church
9. Do you have a retirement account?
YES
10. How do you invest? (conservative, aggressive, etc.)
Conservative in everything.
11. Do you smoke?
No
12. What are your strengths?
My devotion.
13. What are your weaknesses?
My natural human tendencies.
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*E.B.NOTES: Enough is enough. Yesterday, I caught Mary climbing up the trellis to her bedroom window. It was four in the morning. What is this girl hiding? Must be big, whatever it is. I bet it stands approximately six foot four and used to be in the military. I think this indicates Mary is scared witless by what she feels for Colonel Fitzwilliam. Jane didn’t disagree not did she agree. We’ll have to rattle her tree to get some genuine reactions.
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WHAT DO YOU WANT?
1. Do you consider intimacy more important than love?
NO
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2. How often do you expect intimacy?
No more than once a day.
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3. List four things you require in an intimate relationship.
1. Nightly prayers.
2. Morning prayers.
3. Attending services together.
4. Serving those in need together.
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4. If you don’t connect with someone right away, do you give them more chances to grow on you or do you move to the next person?
We all grow with frequent interaction, how else would you become comfortable with each other?
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*E.B.NOTES: After much reflection (wouldn’t Mary be pleased), I see what growing up in our house did to Mary. Stuck in the middle with beautiful Jane, smart Kitty, me, and adored Lydia around her. Who was Mary? Who needed Mary? The church I suppose. Funny, they’ve turned from her too.
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Please use the remaining space for more detail. The more detailed your answers, the better.
I have wonderful news! While filling out this questionnaire, I was alerted that my acceptance back at my former house of worship has been granted, with some behavioral provisions, of course. You will be happy to know, as my future husband, this is especially good news, since I will no longer have to move out of town, to find another house of God.
I know you, like me, are devout to our Lord and will follow his teachings in everything. I my greatest hope is to find someone who has a work schedule that matches mine, which is MWF 7:30am-4:30pm, which will allow us to attend 5pm service together, and TTH 8:30am-5:30pm, after which we can attend bible study and spend the rest of the evening in prayer.
Calgary Episcopal Church has a mission coming up in six months, and while they have requested I refrained from attending, I will not be restricted from helping with fund-raising, which I will begin planning with God this evening! I do dream of actually attending one of these God-affirming experiences, however, I know it is not my time. If I did attend, though, I am sure I would accomplish converting the most, despite the pastor assuring me that this sort of competition is not a part of their trips.
Today definitely is a blessed day and I look forward to meeting my match as God has chosen for me. For us both!
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Why are you using a matchmaker?
Because Lizzy says that if I keep making eyes at the tall drink of water, Colonel Fitzwilliam, she is going to fire me and she’ll do it. And much like God on the mountain, Lady Catherine has made known her commandments. Marriage for everyone! Jane says there is no harm in me filling out the form and seeing if the good Colonel and I are suited….
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*E.B.NOTES: Hallelujah! I have seen into my sister’s soul and it is the love of ‘that tall drink of water’ she seeks. Also, I’m secretly pleased that she loves her job enough to do something like this, which clearly caused her anxiety, in order to keep her position. This may be the hardest match yet. Colonel Fitzwilliam is an injured solider inside and out. If anyone one of us Bennet sisters has the constitution for such an endeavor it’s Mary, but her obstacles will be great as Darcy and Lady Catherine are a formidable wall. Good thing we know how to be human ladders. We’ll raise her right over that wall, much like we did as children when we helped each over hike the Green Mountain.
Mary’s questionnaire was completed by Marion Hill author of Mr. Darcy’s World Ends
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Colonel Henry Fitzwilliam
Nickname: Hank
GENERALITIES
GENDER:
Male
* * *
NATIONALITY:
American
(Would you be interested in someone outside your nationality?) Yes
* * *
OCCUPATION: United States Army & Pemberley, Inc.
* * *
ATTRACTED TO:
SAME SEX
OPPOSITE SEX XX
BOTH/NOT SURE
* * *
FAITH
Do you belong to any religious organization, sect
, or cult? Please list your denomination below.
* * *
DENOMINATION:
I’m not affiliated with any.
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1. How often do you go to church, synagogue, or other?
Holidays with family only
2. Would you be willing to date someone outside your faith? Yes
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MARRIAGE
1. Are you seeking a life partner?
Yes
2. Do you want a family? How many children?
Yes, eight children. I’ve always wanted more than just one sibling.
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*E.B.NOTES: These answers are as guarded as he is. It’s going to take someone special to break through that wall. Someone with an iron will to match his. And 8 kids- seriously?