The ticking of the clock on the wall and rustle of clothing as they fidgeted with their clothes, fingers, and nails was deafening. And with each passing second, the small noises seemed to get louder and louder, until Zyan was on the brink of snapping.
He spoke up when he could no longer take it. "How have the last few years treated you?"
Carter shrugged without lifting his gaze from his lap. "It's been all right. The same-gender marriage thing was a nice surprise."
Zyan averted his gaze again and pressed his lips together. "I thought about calling you when I heard the news."
Carter shifted in his seat. "Me too."
Zyan inhaled deeply and ran a hand over his face. "Okay, look." He turned to face Carter. "This is—this is really awkward, right? It's not just me?"
Carter chuckled. "It's definitely not just you." His eyes met Zyan's as he angled his body toward him. "I'd offer you some alcohol to make this easier, but Jess doesn't have any."
Zyan huffed a laugh. "The one situation I'd actually drink in, and this is what happens."
Carter's smile was no less breathtaking than it'd been when they'd first met.
Zyan couldn't help but stare. It almost hurt how much he'd missed this. He couldn't regret finding that letter and coming here, not even if everything went down the drain again. This sight alone, this small moment of honesty and obvious attempts to make each other feel better, was enough to make it all worth it.
He averted his eyes as he wet his lips. "I— When you showed up at my apartment. With Jessica and Ava. What I told you there, it was a lie. You know that, right?" He risked a glance and found Carter looking back at him. He looked hesitant.
"You'll need to be a little more specific."
Zyan shot him a suspicious look. "You just want me to spell it out for you, don't you?"
Carter's lips tipped back up into a smile. "Maybe."
Zyan rolled his eyes, but it was with fondness warming his chest. "I missed you, okay? It wasn't the same without you. And with how we left things…" He took a deep breath. "It was…tough. Especially the first few years."
"I know what you mean," Carter said softly.
"The nights were the hardest," Zyan mumbled. He wasn't even sure he wanted Carter to hear it. But then again, lacking transparency had been what had gotten them into this mess in the first place.
Carter was quiet for the longest time, yet the silence didn't feel as suffocating as it had before. It was still charged, filled with anticipation and words unspoken, with history and uncertainty, but there was a glimmer of hope and possibility that grew with each passing moment.
"Did you believe me?" Carter said finally.
"About what?"
"What I said before I left. Last time we spoke."
Zyan stared at the rug under his feet. "I don't think that's something you would lie about."
"I wouldn't. Never."
Zyan nodded but couldn't bring himself to look up.
"I wasn't with Aaron to replace you." Carter sounded earnest. "I didn't go out looking for a rebound lover or distraction. I'd never planned to fall for him, but it happened, and I-I can't give you numbers or statistics to measure how much I loved him compared to you because feelings can't be measured, but…just because he meant a lot to me doesn't mean I loved you any less for it. I always cared about you, even while I was with him, but what I felt for him was real and I won't deny that."
"It's okay, Carter." Zyan looked up to meet eyes burning with intensity. "We weren't together, and you fell in love. I have no right to judge you or blame you for that. It wasn't right to project my insecurities on you. You didn't deserve that. I hurt you. I hurt both of us. Aaron, he-he was a huge part of your life. I never meant to make you feel guilty for that. I'm sorry."
"You didn't. And it's okay. It was a long time ago."
"Not in the grand scheme of things."
"I'm just glad we got to talk it out. Even if it took us a long time to get here."
Zyan huffed a laugh. "Well, we got all the time in the world to do better."
Carter smiled. "We do."
Zyan looked from him to the screen mounted on a sideboard. It'd been playing on mute that entire time, but he'd been too preoccupied to pay it any attention. "Were you really watching crime shows before I got here?"
He could see Carter turn his head to follow his gaze. He didn't seem surprised by the rapid change of topic. "They can be fun."
"Very much debatable."
"You love X-Files and Fringe," Carter pointed out.
"Those don't count."
"Ah, no, I think they do."
"No, they don't."
"Believe what you will," Carter said. "But I'm at least half-right."
Zyan narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"Oh, look at the time. Criminal Minds is about to start!"
"I literally don't care."
"If you sit through the episode with me, you'll get to pick what we watch next."
"Part of me already regrets coming here." Carter turned to look at him. "That-that was a joke." Zyan bit his tongue. "I'm not good at this."
Carter's lips tugged up in a smile. "How about we stop talking for a moment and you help me put this thing here back into a couch?"
Zyan nodded quickly. "Yeah, let's do that."
"And I won't make you sit through an entire episode."
"Oh, thank god."
*~*~*
Hours passed, throughout which a gentle and comfortable atmosphere built between them. Conversation was sparse, but casual and teasing, reminiscent of all the times they'd gotten to relearn each other after past divorces.
They were discussing lunch options when the jingling of keys unlocking the door had them turn and look up.
It was Ava. She didn't bother to check who was there before her annoyed and stressed-out voice flooded the room. "Oh my god, Carter, I think I just lost all faith in humanity." Zyan watched her toe off her shoes and rifle through her backpack. "I mean, the guts some of these people have! We've got the racists, the sexists, and sometimes even a lovely combination of the two. And then there are those guys that pretend to be immensely and excessively brainless just to get a small discount, which my spineless manager always gives them because he hates confrontation.
"I found it hard to believe at first, but some people actually are that lazy. They force me to run all over the store, even after I explained a hundred fucking times that no, you do not need a triangular sharpener because the pencil is triangular—how would you even twist the pencil, I mean…?"
She threw up her arms before her shoulders drooped. After a soul-deep sigh of frustration had left her, Ava finally turned and noticed Carter was not alone.
She froze. Her eyes widened noticeably. "Zyan? Is this…?" She trailed off each time, as if even she didn't know what she wanted to say. "Would you like some privacy? Because I could go home, if you'd like."
"No," Zyan replied. "You can stay."
Ava didn't seem convinced. She remained rooted in place.
"Really," Carter reassured her. "Stay."
Ava looked back and forth between them before she offered a small nod and took off her jacket. She dropped it on the sideboard by the door before she cautiously approached them and settled on the free armchair near the kitchen doorway.
Since he sat closest to her, Zyan could practically see the questions pile up in her mind.
"So…what're you doing here?" Ava's gaze was zeroed in on Zyan, observant, as if she expected him to lie.
"Paying a visit to Carter," Zyan answered.
Ava raised an eyebrow. "I can see that. But why? Did something happen, or did you just want to say goodbye before you move to another continent?" She was upset, that much was clear.
Every last remnant of lingering doubt left Zyan. He knew he'd made the right call. Coming here, renewing his contract—he'd barely dodged another huge mistake. "No. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, but you know how I hate cellphones."
&n
bsp; Ava huffed a breath. "You'd think as a web designer you and modern technology would get along better," she mumbled.
"We do. I just don't like cell phones…or rather, all phones."
Carter snorted. "You should have been there when they were first invented," he told Ava.
"Anyway," Zyan cut in before she could respond. "I extended my contract. I'll be staying for at least another six months."
Ava's eyes widened. "What? But you said…I thought…" She looked like she was trying to gather her thoughts. "Are you serious? I try to convince you to stay and all you do is be a dick, and then you get, what? One 'please' from the pretty boy, and you immediately drop everything and obey?"
"You think I'm pretty?"
"It wasn't like that," Zyan said, ignoring Carter.
"Then what happened? What made you change your mind?" Ava crossed her arms in defiance.
"I'll tell you when you come over this evening, okay?" Zyan promised.
The nod that followed looked reluctant. "Okay."
"And I'm sorry," Zyan said. "For how I treated you. You didn't deserve that. You were just trying to help." He tilted his head as he saw her defiance melt. "Forgive me?"
Ava dropped her arms. "Fine. But you better bake me a nice cake for my next birthday."
Zyan nodded. "Triple chocolate?"
The corners of Ava's lips twitched. "You know me so well."
Zyan felt Carter sink deeper into the cushions next to him. "You guys are making me hungry."
"I feel your pain," Ava said. "But I'm sure Jessie-the-health-nut doesn't have cake in her fridge, let alone the triple-chocolate kind."
"We could pay a visit to the bakery down the street," Carter offered.
"Only if you get out of those pajama pants first." Zyan looked down at the beige cotton, covered in hundreds of small penguins in scarves and Santa hats. "Those aren't even seasonally appropriate."
Carter huffed. He got up and mumbled an "I'll be right back" before he disappeared into the bathroom.
"He forgot to get spare clothes," Zyan commented as he looked at the closed door Carter had just disappeared through. Two seconds later, it opened again to reveal a now-shirtless Carter, who stuttered a few words and darted through another door. When he reappeared, it was with an armful of clothes he took with him back into the bathroom, his shoulders hunched and head lowered as if it would make him invisible.
"While he's getting ready, are you at least gonna give me a quick summary of what I missed?"
Zyan shrugged. "I knocked at the door, we talked, and then we talked some more, and then you showed up."
She didn't look remotely satisfied with his answer.
"Okay, fine. We made some confessions, talked about Aaron and our last divorce, then I apologized, and we moved on to some lighter topics. After that, it was just us watching crappy TV. If you hadn't shown up, we'd be getting lunch right now. That's all."
"It's three in the afternoon."
"I know. We lost track of time."
Ava smiled. "Aw, that's adorable."
Zyan rolled his eyes, even as his lips tugged up. "Don't get ahead of yourself. We're nowhere near the going-out stage. At least not yet."
"Not yet?" Ava teased.
"Don't read too much into that."
"I'm just so happy for you!" Ava titled her head, eyes bright with fondness. "How're you feeling? You think you can go back to how it was?"
"I'm not sure I want to," Zyan admitted. "If we just pick up where we left off, we'll get right back into our old rut, and we saw how that went. More than once."
"What's the plan? Become friends first?"
"For now? I'll just go with the flow. Overthinking things was what screwed us over last time, and I don't think any of us want a repetition of that."
"Touché."
"I'm ready!" Carter reemerged from the bathroom dressed in black, with only a few splashes of color on his jacket and t-shirt. Zyan recognized the necklace and some of the bracelets he wore and felt the memories of roaming markets and small shops together resurface.
He had to tear his gaze away as he stood up. Ava was quick to join him, while Carter haphazardly discarded his pajamas in the room he'd gotten his current outfit from.
After they'd tugged on their shoes, they gathered in the hallway while Carter locked the door.
"You think Jessie's gonna judge me if I get an entire cake for myself?" Ava mused.
"If you manage to eat the entire thing at once, I think she'd be impressed." Carter slipped the keys into his pocket and nudged them toward the stairs.
"I wouldn't recommend it, though," Zyan put in.
"Speaking from personal experience?" Ava asked as she followed him down the first flight of stairs.
"He is," Carter answered. "We lived beside a bakery in Switzerland for a few years back in the early fifties because Zyan was obsessed with Kägi-fret and he claimed the imported stuff wasn't as good. The owners took a liking to us, and baked Zyan this two-layer cake for his birthday and, apparently, he thought it'd be a good idea to eat half the thing in one go. It wasn't. He was lying in bed with a stomach ache all evening."
Zyan remembered that. They'd gotten divorced two months later. And little over a decade after, they'd found themselves in Wales, where Carter had met Aaron. He shook his head. He didn't want to think about that right now.
"Well, well, Zyan," Ava said teasingly. "Look how I'm starting to get all this dirt on you." She wrapped an arm around Carter's waist, most likely because she was too short to reach his shoulders. "You and I, Carter, are gonna be the best of friends. I can feel it."
Carter chuckled.
"Oh, joy," Zyan deadpanned.
Ava grinned at him and grabbed his wrist to pull him closer just as they reached the front door. "Come on, Zyan. Lighten up, buddy! We're getting cake!"
"After he dug up that memory for me, I'm somehow not too eager about that anymore."
"Don't be such a killjoy!" Carter said. "Even after five hours of nausea, you still ate the rest of the cake for breakfast the next day."
Ava laughed. "I'm loving this. We should hang out more, Carter."
"Oh, joy," Zyan repeated and followed them out the door. Seeing them with their arms around each other made something in his heart unclench. He never thought he'd get to see the day where those two parts of his life collided. It felt symbolic—his past and his present uniting. He'd always thought it would be scary, daunting, to have Carter crash back into his life and worming his way into what Zyan had built for himself. And it had been, admittedly, but now as Ava prodded Carter for details about Zyan's "wild youth," it felt natural. It felt like surrendering a fight for the sake of peace.
He let Ava drag him back to her side again, as his doubts and worries faded to the back of his mind. He deserved a few hours of lighthearted fun with the two most important people in his life.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Jessica
Jessica returned to her apartment at five in the afternoon. As she approached the door, she was surprised to hear multiple voices from inside. Who…?
She frowned as she unlocked the door and stepped inside, where three people occupied her couch and yelled at the TV and each other.
"Hello!" Jessica shouted to catch their attention.
They jumped and whirled around to face her. And while she'd expected to see two of them, the third was rather surprising.
"Zyan? What are you doing here?"
"He came to visit Carter," Ava answered, barely concealed smile on her face.
Jessica blinked as she let it sink in. She tried to play it cool, but her relief and joy got the best of her. "Yeah? That's great! I'm so glad you two finally pulled your heads out of your a—" Ava violently shook her head. Jessica cut herself off and cleared her throat. "I mean, I'm glad you two are talking again."
Carter rolled his eyes at her. "Too late, Jess."
Jessica shot him an apologetic smile. "You gotta admit it was getting ridiculous. You're two gr
own men with an infinite life span, and yet you were both moping and pining for each other like a bunch of high-schoolers."
Zyan narrowed his eyes at her, but Carter's expression looked more along the lines of 'fair enough,' so Jessica didn't feel too bad about it.
"What're you guys watching?" she asked as she turned to toe off her shoes.
"Some TV show Zyan got into while he was moping," Ava replied.
Carter cleared his throat. He was clearly trying to hide his laughter with it.
"This is why I never tell you anything, Ava, you know that?"
"I'm sorry. Some TV show Zyan discovered recently."
Zyan huffed.
Jessica bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.
Four hours later, both Ava and Zyan had fallen asleep, while Jessica and Carter sat on opposite ends of the couch. The TV still played on low volume.
"Hey, Carter," Jessica started. "How're you holding up?"
Carter's expression was soft when he raised his eyes to meet her gaze. "I'm good. Don't worry."
"Are you sure? Because after everything that happened and the way you looked when you came back from—"
"Hey." Carter cut her off, voice low but firm. "Stop. It's okay. I'm okay. Trust me."
"Okay. I'm just looking out for you."
"And I appreciate it."
"So…does that mean we can go on double-dates now? Ava's been looking forward to it."
Carter stifled his laughter and looked down at Zyan, who'd nodded off with his head pillowed on the backrest. His temple nearly brushed Ava's hair. "I don't think we're quite there yet."
Jessica nodded in understanding. "You think you will any time soon?"
Carter took a deep breath before he shrugged. "I don't know. All the times we broke up and got back together…it's never quite been like this."
Jessica studied his expression and the way his gaze trailed over Zyan before he looked back at the screen. His inner turmoil was clear on his face and nearly palpable to her. "Well, I'm rooting for you."
Carter choked out a laugh. "Thanks, Jess."
"You're welcome."
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Zyan
Zyan startled awake when somebody shook his shoulder.
The Thing About Forever Page 16