They hadn't even made it to the door before Debby caught up to them. "Sorry. But I couldn't stand it back there with Mom."
Jessica could only nod again. She couldn't quite process what had just happened.
"What you did—what you said back there, Jess," Debby started. "It was amazing. I'm so proud of you."
"Yeah," Luke said. "I wish I'd had the guts to do that years ago."
Jessica shook her head. "I don't even know where that came from. I was just so pissed off. I'm sorry you had to see that, Ava."
"Don't you dare apologize," Ava pressed. Her fingers entwined with Jessica's before she squeezed firmly. "I've never been prouder."
Jessica's smile felt shaky. The adrenaline that had been rushing through her veins was fading steadily and leaving her off-kilter.
"What about you two?" Ava asked. "Are you gonna stay with her?"
Debby shook her head. "No, of course not. But I forgot my bag in the dining room, and my car keys are in there."
"I'll go with you," Luke said. "And you take care of yourself." He put a hand on Jessica's shoulder. "Maybe let Ava drive."
"No, I'm okay." Jessica took a deep breath. "And honestly, if I let her drive, we won't be home until tomorrow."
"It's called safe driving," Ava said.
The laughter felt freeing. And when they all fell into each other's arms and Ava's hand slipped from hers, Jessica returned the embrace and allowed her mask to drop for just a moment. There were no tears—at least, not yet.
When they pulled back, she still wiped under her eyes before she reached for Ava's hand and gently tugged her toward the door.
"You better not forget to call tomorrow," Luke reminded her.
Jessica's lips tugged up into a smile as she nodded.
*~*~*
"What do you think she said to Debby and Luke when they had to go back?" Ava asked.
"I have no idea," Jessica replied. She didn't take her gaze off the road as she answered, but her hands squeezed the wheel tighter. Maybe she should have let Ava drive. "But I assume they'll tell me when I call them tomorrow."
"Are you okay?" Ava's voice was laced with concern. She sounded hesitant, like she was afraid if she pushed too hard, Jessica could snap and break down.
"I—I don't know. It's…a lot to take in. Whenever I thought of getting away from her, I always pictured me just breaking off contact." Jessica bit her lower lip. "I mean, I've fantasized about yelling at her and calling her out on her bullshit, but I never thought I'd go through with it."
"Are you glad you did it?"
"Yes," Jessica said firmly. It wasn't a lie. It had to be done. Now, she'd just have to deal with the emotional repercussions from decades of emotional manipulation at the hands of her own mother. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Right…
When they reached the apartment, it was Carter who let them in.
"I need a drink," Jessica announced as soon as the door opened. She carelessly brushed past Carter and headed straight for the kitchen.
"Hello to you too," she heard Carter say before she was out of earshot.
"I take it the little family get-together didn't go so well," Zyan called after her from his spot on the couch.
She took a bottle of wine from the shelf to her right and glanced over her shoulder to see him seated with his legs pulled up on the sofa.
"You could say that." Ava's voice grew nearer as she spoke on her way over to him.
As she filled her first glass, Jessica heard the front door fall shut. She downed the wine in one deep gulp before she even stepped into the living room, where Carter had joined Zyan and Ava on the couch.
"You could argue that I lost my cool," Jessica said, bottle firmly clasped in her left hand as she refilled the glass in her right. When she looked up, she noticed the others staring at her. She glanced down at the bottle. "Oh. Did any of you want some as well? 'Cause I could get you another glass—"
"It's fine," Carter cut her off.
Jessica drained her glass and poured herself another before she set the bottle down on the coffee table and dropped into the free armchair. "I mean, I thought I'd learned to put up with everything she could throw at me, but boy, was I wrong." She took another sip. "And today, her assholeish behavior wasn't even cranked up to full capacity."
She leaned forward and set down her glass to count the points on her fingers. "I mean, she was impolite, openly homophobic, and seemed downright disgusted whenever she saw me and Ava together. Oh, and she insulted my outfit and makeup the moment I walked in. Then she hinted at her dislike of Ava's hair, which is fucking racist, and then she started talking about how she'd have to rely on Luke and Debby to give her grandkids in some fucked-up, disgusting attempt to gain pity from one of us." She finished her glass and started pouring another. "I didn't even know she was racist, but I guess at this point I shouldn't be surprised. Wait, what was I talking about?"
"I'm really sorry, Jess," Carter said gently.
"Why does everyone keep apologizing?" Jessica asked angrily. "None of you are responsible for the shitty behavior of my bad excuse for a mother!"
Ava slowly got up and took the glass from Jessica's hand. "I think you've had enough," she said softly.
Jessica sighed and collapsed back against the cushions. She looked up at Ava, who in turn looked down at her with a worried expression.
Jessica felt her eyes grow suspiciously wet, so she closed them.
Ava must have noticed, because she sat down on the armrest next to her and kissed the crown of her head. Once she pulled back, her fingers found their way into Jessica's hair. She twirled the strands around her fingers and gently combed out the tangles with soothing touches.
Jessica shot her a grateful look and placed her hand on Ava's knee, where her fingers began tracing invisible patterns. The motion was calming. Her thoughts slowed. She looked over at Carter and Zyan. "Does it ever go away?" she asked in a soft voice, unsure if she even wanted to know the answer.
Carter frowned. "What do you mean?"
"The sting when you're faced with blatant hatred for who you are?"
Carter swallowed hard and shook his head.
Jessica nodded a little as she lowered her gaze. She allowed the hurt to sink in before she looked back at him. "What about the mental calculations?"
"I'm not sure…" Carter started but trailed off.
"When you show PDA," Jessica clarified. "All those…all those things that go through your head about who can see and what they might think. All those thoughts about how anyone who sees could start attacking you or…or start going on a killing spree, like the guy in the news yesterday. Does…does that ever go away?"
"It doesn't," Zyan said, surprising Jessica—not just with the honest answer, but also with the soft and gentle tone in which he'd uttered it. "I wish I could say otherwise, but that would be a lie." Zyan looked down at his hands and started playing with the unadorned ring finger on his left hand. "Every time you get comfortable and start to feel safe, somebody else gets killed for something they can't and shouldn't have to change about themselves. And every time it happens, I pray to who—or whatever—might be listening it will be the last victim, but so far—"
"Zyan," Carter interrupted. "I think she's heard enough."
They both looked over at Jessica, who was still fighting back tears.
"You can both sleep here tonight, if you'd like," Carter offered quietly.
Jessica nodded before she looked up at Ava for confirmation, but instead saw her shoot Carter a grateful look as she mouthed a 'thank you.' Carter acknowledged the gesture with a barely noticeable nod. Not once did Ava's movements falter during the exchange.
"I should probably go," Zyan said, his voice barely audible from Jessica's position.
"You don't have to," Carter replied. The words came quick, decidedly not casual. It had Jessica wondering if something had happened while they'd been gone.
Zyan looked back at him in what was clearly surprise, maybe even uncertainty
. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea," he said slowly.
Carter was quiet for a few seconds. He looked like he wanted to say something, but all that came out was, "Please."
Zyan seemed hesitant to give his response, but his voice was firm when he said it. "Okay."
Jessica wanted to ask what she'd missed, but when she saw the worry in Ava's eyes and felt the gentle motions of her fingers, all she wanted was to be alone with her, curl up under a dozen blankets, and forget about this day.
Carter acknowledged Zyan's decision with a nod and got up to unfold the couch. His first few attempts were futile, and only dragged the entire thing across the floor, and once his frustration had grown, it ended with him pulling too hard and falling on his butt.
Jessica bit back a laugh and asked if he was okay. It got her a grumbled response, followed by a string of curses.
"Modern technology, huh?" Zyan teased.
Carter narrowed his eyes at him.
"Allow me," Ava said as she got up.
Jessica watched as she squeezed, tugged, and pushed at the corners, until the couch caved and obeyed her will. Carter stood by with pursed lips.
"I already loosened the joints for you," he argued.
"Sure you did, buddy." Ava patted his shoulders on her way back to Jessica's side.
Carter still looked grumpy as he disappeared into the bedroom. He was closely followed by Zyan, who only offered Ava and Jessica a shrug before he walked off.
Jessica took a deep breath once she was alone with Ava. The privacy made breathing easier somehow.
She'd just taken off her shoes when Carter returned, arms loaded with spare pillows and blankets.
"You gonna be okay?" he asked, standing close to Jessica and forcing her to look up at him.
She glanced over at Ava, who was busy fluffing the pillows. When Jessica focused back on Carter, she nodded. "Yeah."
He searched her face for a few seconds before he returned the nod. His eyes were closed as he leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. "Goodnight," he said softly.
"Goodnight," Jessica responded. "And thank you."
Carter nodded again and returned to his bedroom.
When they were alone again, Ava walked up to Jessica and carefully started to unbutton her blouse. Jessica still couldn't believe she'd gotten dressed up for this. As if that had ever stopped her mother from finding something to criticize. The tingling of her skin brought her back to the present. Ava's fingers brushed against the seam along the buttons as she undid them one by one. Jessica straightened her back and gently nudged Ava's hands aside. "I can do it."
Ava looked up at her, eyes big and still so full of worry.
Jessica lifted her hand and placed it on Ava's cheek. "I just want to get this done quickly."
Ava slowly nodded before she stepped back and started to undress herself.
They were both down to their underwear and ready to get into bed by the time they noticed two large shirts included in the stack of blankets Carter had brought them. As they pulled them on, they noticed the fabric nearly fell all the way down to their knees.
Jessica was focused on doing up the buttons when Ava spoke up.
"Where do you think these are from?"
Jessica ran her fingers over the soft fabric. "Could be anywhere, really."
Ava didn't reply. She crawled under the covers and held out her hand.
Jessica offered her a small smile as she took it and allowed herself to be tugged into bed. When their naked, unshaven legs touched, Jessica couldn't hold back the laughter. "Your legs feel like sandpaper."
"Yours aren't any better," Ava replied, her tone light and teasing.
"Touché. Maybe I should try out waxing."
"I won't join you in that adventure."
"I don't blame you." Jessica rolled onto her side and stretched out her legs before she threw her arm over Ava's middle to pull her closer.
They lay in silence for a while, both lost in their own thoughts.
"Hey," Jessica said after several minutes had passed.
"Hm?"
"Tell me a story?"
"What about?"
Jessica shrugged. "I dunno. Anything." She paused. "What were you like as a kid?"
Ava snorted. "Oh man. I know exactly what to tell you." She snuggled further into Jessica's shoulder. "So…when I was about four or five, my mom would often babysit our neighbor's kid, Todd, while his single dad was at work. Well, he was less of a kid and more of toddler, really. He was maybe a year old when he first came over. Either way, I basically grew up with him and he was like a little brother to me."
Jessica hummed a little to signal for Ava to continue.
"I think Todd was around…four when this happened," Ava went on. "He and his dad had moved a few blocks away, but I still visited them quite often to play with the kid and…we were playing in front of our house, drawing on the ground with chalk or something. They lived in one of those side streets where people rarely pass by, and the only cars you ever saw there belonged to the people that lived there, which is why I was a little wary when some old guy on a bicycle rode up to us and offered us bonbons."
"I don't like where this is going," Jessica muttered.
"It's not what you think, trust me," Ava replied, smile in her voice. "The guy offered us candy, but I refused and grabbed Todd's hand, so we could slowly back up toward the front door while the old dude continued to watch us. After a few steps, I whirled around and dragged Todd into the house, where I ran up the stairs and banged on the door. His dad looked concerned, and I told him what happened…except I didn't."
Jessica groaned. "Oh god, what did you do?"
"I…exaggerated…just a tiny bit," Ava admitted. "I said something about how I'd heard of that old guy before, and that I had friends who'd gotten bonbons from him, and when they cut them open, they found this green poisonous stuff inside."
"Why would you do that?"
"I don't know!" Ava exclaimed before she quieted down again. "I don't know. I was scared, and I was a chronic liar when I was younger." She took a deep breath. "So I made up all this stuff, but for some reason, Todd's dad believed me, or at least pretended to, and took us to the police station."
"Oh geez, here we go."
"Yes. We got there, and I was damn nervous and scared, and I felt like I was trapped in some nightmare as I looked up at the police station and…then Todd's dad began telling me about how people lied to police officers sometimes and how they ended up in jail for it—obviously a wink-wink-nudge-nudge kinda situation. We made it all the way to the doors before I caved and blurted out the truth. I was crying, mind you, and begging to go back to the car."
"You're such an idiot."
"Oh, I know. And I was aware I was in some deep shit. I mean, I was about to accuse some innocent old man of poisoning children. When Todd's dad looked down at me and asked me why I'd made this up, I didn't know what to say! That I'd felt this compulsive need to stick with my lie? That I'd wanted to validate my fear of strangers? My dumb little child brain didn't understand that yet. Either way, he just sent me back to the car and drove us home, where I got a lecture from my parents about lying. "
"You were one weird-ass kid," Jessica said after a beat.
"Oh, I was."
They fell silent again while Jessica got lost in absently drawing invisible elaborate patterns on Ava's back. She could feel Ava melt under her touch.
A few more minutes passed until Jessica spoke up again. "Hey," she said quietly.
"Hm?"
"Did you notice how close the boys were sitting earlier?"
"Hmhm."
"You think something happened while we were gone?"
"Dunno."
"I wonder what it's like to spend such a long time with the same person."
"I'm sure they've got a lot of good stories to tell," Ava said. She sounded half asleep.
If Jessica were a good girlfriend, she'd let Ava sleep, but right now, she didn't want to b
e alone with her thoughts. "I asked Carter about World War I once."
"What did he say?"
Jessica let out a soft huffing laugh. "He said he and Zyan lived in Tibet while it was going on and missed most of it."
"What about World War II?"
"Oh, he can tell you all about the Indian Independence Movement."
"What?"
"He missed most of that one too He and Zyan were living in India at the time."
Ava chuckled sleepily.
"You're about to fall asleep, aren't you?"
"Yup."
"Come here." Jessica gently pulled Ava impossibly closer and pressed a soft, slow kiss to her lips. Once she'd pulled back, she tucked Ava under her chin and listened to her fall asleep, makeup and braids be damned.
Jessica gave them about two hours before one of them had to get up because they had to pee.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Zyan
When Carter walked off, Zyan followed him into the bedroom to give Jessica and Ava some privacy.
Carter was already rummaging through a dresser when Zyan got there. He dug up spare pillows and covers, which he stacked onto his arms and carried into the living room, while Zyan was left behind to sit awkwardly on the edge of the bed and twiddle his thumbs with nothing to do.
Were they already moving too fast? Just hours ago, they'd established they wanted to give this another shot, and now they were already about to jump back into the same bed. Not for that, but still. It was stupid and risky and would drag up memories Zyan shouldn't be thinking about before they'd even started dating properly.
He rubbed a hand down his face and sighed. Maybe they'd just fall asleep right away and he was just overthinking everything. Had Ava rubbed off on him? Was her anxiousness contagious? His mind usually wasn't so quick to calculate every likely and unlikely scenario.
Carter's return interrupted Zyan's train of thought.
"You don't happen to have pajamas of mine lying around here somewhere as well, do you?" he asked in an attempt to ease the tension spreading between them.
"I think I do, actually." Carter headed to his closet and pushed aside a few boxes and scarves on the top shelf, until he freed a black duffel bag. He pulled it down and set it on the bed near Zyan."Those are all your clothes I found mixed in with mine…well, most of them, at least."
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