Jessica's feet guided her automatically to the large flat rock near the edge of the stream bed. Zyan followed and sat down next to her. Jessica could feel him watching her as she toed off her shoes and dangled her legs over the shallow water.
"You're not seriously going to put your feet in that," Zyan said in disbelief.
Jessica looked up and smirked. "Why? You scared?"
Zyan narrowed his eyes. "That's not going to work on me, Lewis."
Jessica's smile didn't falter as she pushed off the rock and slid into the freezing water. She clenched her teeth to suppress a noise of shock and pain as it swallowed her feet and legs all the way up to her mid-calf. Once she'd gotten a hold of herself, she turned around to face Zyan. "You coming in or what?"
Zyan shook his head. "Hell no."
"You admit I'm tougher than you?"
"Based on what criteria?"
"Low temperature endurance?"
Zyan cocked an eyebrow.
"Just get in here, so we can bond over our freezing toes, alright?"
Zyan sighed and took off his shoes. "The things I do for you mortals," he muttered, barely loud enough for Jessica to hear.
When he first set foot into the stream, Jessica could see the clench in his jaw and deep furrow in his brow. "You doing good over there?" Jessica asked, making no attempt to hide her amusement.
"Why are you making me do this?" Zyan shot back.
"Just for funsies."
"Uh-huh. Never say that word again in my presence."
"All right, Mr. Grumpy Pants."
Zyan shot her a glare.
*~*~*
They moved from the stream back to their rock, where they pulled up their feet to massage some warmth back into their toes. By the time the sun began to set, their conversation grew deeper, more personal, more serious.
"After all that loss, I tried to stay away from mortals," Zyan said. "I didn't want them to get to know me, and I didn't want to get to know them. Every time I even talked to one of them, all I could think about was that they would die in the blink of an eye." He brushed the surface of the water with his toes. "But of course, that's not how life goes. Sometimes you can't look the other way. Sometimes the only thing that'll allow you to look yourself in the mirror is doing everything within your power to help. No matter what you do, there'll always be people who manage to squeeze their way through the walls you've built."
"Like Ava?"
Zyan nodded. "Like Ava."
"It must be tiring."
"What do you mean?"
Jessica gestured in the air in front of them. "Shutting everyone out. Keeping up these walls. Constantly convincing yourself it's for the best to be alone."
Zyan shrugged. "I guess. But it's not like I was successful. I've had friends over the centuries. People I loved, people I cared about. People that…I told about my immortality and that stuck with me for years, often even decades before they passed away."
Jessica bit down on her lower lip before she asked, "Of natural causes?"
"Sometimes." Zyan continued to stare down into the water, his voice low, sounding tired. "But not often enough."
Jessica expected him to leave it at that, but to her surprise, he didn't.
"Over the years, Carter and I have met and befriended a lot of people who belong to the LGBT community, which…" He drew out an exhale. "After a while, it seemed to be more of a curse than a blessing.
"It felt like this never-ending cycle of hospital visits and funerals, mostly at the hands of others, but sometimes at their own. I watched these kids, these children, break down because they were forcefully outed by other students, by teachers, by family members.
"Just one wrong word, and suddenly, the door of endless opportunities was slammed in their faces. And how…how was I supposed to not care? It was impossible.
"So I—we—tried to help where we could, but it's…it's…exhausting, and painful, and there were so many moments when all I wanted was for it to stop. I wanted the world to stop spinning, I wanted the people to stop moving and just…lie down and sleep and to start feeling like a person again." He looked over at Jessica. "I'm sorry if that seems harsh."
Jessica tried to maintain eye contact, but she couldn't stand the intensity, so instead, she looked down at the stream below her feet and shook her head. "It doesn't. I don't think anyone could go through what you've gone through and not break down."
Zyan didn't say anything, but his toes continued to trace invisible shapes across the water's surface.
"But…I'm glad your walls aren't impenetrable. Removing yourself completely from everyone…" Jessica shook her head. "It wouldn't only take away the bad—it would also take away the good. You have emotional needs, too, and you need people to support you, whether you want it or not."
"That's always been Carter's reasoning too."
"He's a smart guy," Jessica said gently.
"But he's not me." Zyan sounded dejected. "We're two very different people, and just because he's so in touch with his emotions doesn't mean I have to be the same. He never had a problem opening up again after a loss, but I did. I do. Every single time I talk to you or Ava or anybody else I care about, all I can think of is how I'll have to bury you.
"I think about the hole it'll leave behind, and how I'll have to pack my bags and move far away because I'll see reminders on every street corner. And I know it'll take decades before I'll be able to come back here without feeling like dying. I'm constantly aware of that and it's draining, but I consciously signed up for it when I took in Ava and allowed her to sleep on my couch that day. That was the exact moment I realized she might be the next person who'd break my heart and leave me to bury her."
"But you think she's worth it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have let it happen."
"Of course she's worth it!" Zyan exclaimed. He sounded frustrated. "And so are you, and so is Carol, and all these other people Ava's dragged into my life! It's just…" He took a deep breath. "Not fair." He swallowed. "All I can hope for is that you'll all live long and happy lives that end with painless deaths. That's all I can do. And it just…sucks."
"For what it's worth," Jessica said softly, "I wish it were different."
"Thank you." Zyan took a deep breath. "But that's barely worth anything."
Jessica recognized the teasing undertone as forced, but she allowed Zyan the way out and elbowed him. "Shut up."
Zyan huffed a small laugh.
They fell silent again.
Normally, Jessica would lean in to hug him, just hold him for an hour, and hope her presence could chase away the memories, but she didn't know if the gesture would be appreciated. Despite how long they'd known each other, Zyan still treated her differently from Ava and Carter. He never initiated hugs or chose the seat next to her when there were other options, and sometimes Jessica wondered why that was, what she was doing wrong. Now wasn't the time to ask.
"Do you remember the first LGBT character on TV?" Jessica asked.
Zyan blinked before he looked at her. He'd clearly been lost in thought. "Pardon?"
"The first LGBT character on TV," she repeated. "Do you remember that?"
Zyan looked back down to where he was drawing invisible swirls in the water with his toes. "Um…yeah. I think…it was probably That Certain Summer. At least, that's the first one I remember watching with Carter. When we got wind that Hal Holbrook initially turned down the role, we were terrified of what it could mean. Was the script terrible? Was he scared it could damage his career? And if it did, what would that mean for future movies? Would actors refuse to take on these kinds of roles?
"But it didn't damage his career, and the movie became a big success. It got actual praise from critics. I can't even begin to tell you how huge, how revolutionary, that felt back then. It felt like the stepping stone to a brighter future. If straight people could watch and enjoy our stories, they'd have to realize their bigotry was based on nothing but ignorance, right? But as we all know, it wasn't all uphill f
rom there."
Jessica nodded to herself. "I remember watching Buffy when I was still trying to figure myself out. Seeing Willow be with a girl, kissing her and being in a couple, it gave me that final boost of courage I needed to try out labeling myself as a lesbian…"
"And then they killed Tara."
Jessica scoffed. "Then they killed Tara."
For a while, the chirping birds and rushing waters were the only sounds breaking the silence. And even as she was lost in thought, the peacefulness calmed her. Her real life felt distant, now that she wasn't surrounded by reminders of her work and responsibilities. Maybe she'd pack up Ava and take her along on their next date night…
"Do you think things will change now?" Jessica asked.
"What do you mean?"
"The next generation. They're growing up with Netflix and YouTube, social media and marriage equality. That's got to result in a more open-minded society, right? I mean, can you imagine an entire generation without internalized homophobia? Biphobia? Transphobia?"
"I'm already seeing a big shift in your generation, actually." Zyan bumped their shoulders together. "It's slow progress, but it's happening. The LGBT kids are speaking up when queer characters are killed off, they're raising funds to get each other out of abusive homes, they're creating their own international support networks to boost each other's projects and create their own representation. I'm impressed by you millennials."
"That means a lot coming from you, old man."
Zyan shoved her arm. "Shut up."
Jessica chuckled. "You know what we should do?"
"Hm?"
"We should make a marathon next weekend. Watch the historical highlights of gay television."
Zyan snorted a laugh. "Sure. Let's do that."
Jessica looked down at her feet, smile still on her face. "I think my toes are turning blue."
"Yeah, mine are freezing too."
Jessica's face scrunched up involuntarily as she pulled up her legs and massaged her toes.
"It's getting dark," Zyan observed as he put on his socks.
"Yeah, we should probably head back soon." Jessica slipped into her shoes. "But before we do…"
"Oh, god, what is it?"
"You've known Carter for a long time, right?"
"Yes…" Zyan sounded suspicious. "Why?"
"I would like to take this opportunity and ask you for all the dirt you can give me on him."
Zyan smirked. "Oh, I have an entire list."
Jessica turned to face him and crossed her legs. "Tell me everything."
He really did have a list. An hour-long list. It was beautiful, and Jessica's muscles were aching from laughing too hard.
"Once, he stole a boat and got us stranded on an island, even though neither of us could swim and cork life jackets had just hit the market and were extremely rare."
"Why would he do that?"
"We were poor and he was bored."
"Sounds reasonable."
"I personally didn't think so."
Jessica chuckled. "Then why would you go along with it?"
"I was bored and he was hot."
Jessica laughed.
"What else?" Zyan mused. "Oh, one time, he showed up to our anniversary dinner with two women in tow. He then introduced them as our future wives. Turns out, he'd made a deal with them to pay half the rent in exchange for us pretending to be their husbands. I was okay with it all the way up until the holiday season, when their fathers turned out to be mortal enemies because they were business rivals. Dinner was rather tense that evening."
Jessica choked on her laughter as she pictured it. "That's really sweet."
"But objectively not a good anniversary present," Zyan added. "Did Carter ever tell you he was a teacher once?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. A history teacher, of all things."
"Very fitting."
"He was fired after six months for not following the textbook. And just a few months later, he got us kicked out of our apartment because he spent all of our savings on a collection of Oscar Wilde's works."
"And then he goes and scolds me for buying the new iPhone!"
"I'd tell you to rub it in his face next time you see him, but if you tell him I told you any of this, I will tie you to a chair and force-feed you every single slimy tomato I can find."
Jessica cringed. "I wish I hadn't told you about that."
"If you don't rat me out, you won't have anything to fear."
Jessica threw her hands up in surrender. "I promise I'll be good."
"Good."
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Zyan
"We should ask your mother how she always manages to track us down," Zyan said as they approached the City Mall.
"I doubt she'd tell us," Carter replied. There was a bounce in his step, a childish giddiness on his face that he was clearly trying, but failing, to hide. It made Zyan wish they could see Jaslene more often, but she was a busy woman and never stayed in one place for long.
"Do you think we should've brought her something?" Zyan asked.
Carter waved the concern aside. "Nah."
"What about the dinner reservations?"
"Already placed two weeks ago when you first brought it up."
Zyan nodded slowly. "Good."
Carter nudged Zyan to get his attention and nodded toward the fountain in the center of the mall. "Come on, let's sit. We're early, so it might be a while before she shows up."
Zyan followed him to the nearby bench and sat on the edge. His leg was jiggling—a nervous tic he thought he'd have gotten rid of by now.
"What's with you today?" Carter asked.
"I don't know." Zyan wrung his hands. "I'm just nervous, I guess. I haven't seen her since we got divorced."
Carter reached out to still Zyan's fiddling. "Hey, it's okay. We've gotten divorced before, and she's never judged you for it."
Zyan pressed his lips together. "It feels different this time."
Carter shook his head. "It's not. We were being stupid, just like every other time. She'll just be happy we got our heads out of our asses before nuclear war could blow us up."
Zyan huffed a laugh, but when he looked over at Carter, he found his brows furrowed. "What is it?"
"Are those glasses new? I don't think I've ever seen them on you."
Zyan automatically reached up to adjust them before dropping his hand. "Oh, yeah. Carol's dumb husband sat on mine and broke them."
"I thought you liked Nate."
"Not when he's sitting on my glasses."
Carter smiled and reached up to push Zyan's bangs out of his face. "Well, I like these better than your old ones."
Zyan felt warm at the gesture. "And why's that?"
"Brown frames went out of style twenty years ago."
Before Zyan could give a snarky remark, a familiar voice interrupted them. "Hello, Dakila."
Carter cringed at the name. Zyan knew it wasn't his birth name, but it seemed to be the one that had stuck most with his mother. She'd been calling Carter by it ever since she'd picked it out for him a couple of centuries ago.
"Mom," Carter whined. "Stop calling me that already."
Zyan bit back a grin.
Carter's mother ignored the comment and turned to Zyan. "And Zyan. It's good to see you. You look healthy."
The warm tone caught Zyan off-guard. "Jaslene," he got out. "It's so good to see you too The, uh, haircut suits you."
Jaslene smiled. "Thank you."
Carter had gotten to his feet while she'd been greeting Zyan, and now pulled Jaslene into a hug. "So, why did you invite us here?" he asked, once he'd pulled back.
"Can't I just request to meet my son and his…husband every couple of decades without needing to have a motive?"
Carter quirked an eyebrow at her.
"We're currently not married," Zyan informed her.
"That's unfortunate," Jaslene said. "Do send me an invite when you get around it, though. But for now—" She
handed Carter a dark blue paper bag she'd been carrying. "Here's a small souvenir from Germany. You two can unpack it later."
Carter glanced up from the paper snarls stuffed into the bag. "Is this what you came here for?"
"No."
Zyan frowned. "So what is it?"
"I feel it's time. The Diwata saved us and deserves our ongoing appreciation, yet we haven't shown our gratitude in too long."
Carter glanced over at Zyan, who gave a small nod. He looked back at his mother. "Yeah. Yeah, okay," he agreed. "When do you wanna leave?"
Jaslene held up a couple of plane tickets, pulled from seemingly nowhere, and handed them off to Carter. Carter accepted them, but only spared them a fleeting glance before he passed them on to Zyan.
"Our flight leaves on Saturday," Jaslene told them. "I expect you to be there five hours early. Pack for a month-long stay."
"A month?" Carter exclaimed. "I have a job. I have meetings."
Jaslene shot him a look. "Oh please. We both know that label of yours will be able to handle you leaving the country for a few weeks. This is the being you owe your life to. Don't you think she deserves your appreciation, after so much time has passed?"
"She's got a point, Carter," Zyan said gently. "You've held FaceTime meetings before."
Carter bit on his lower lip and lowered his eyes. He sighed. "Fine. I'll reschedule what I can and help Tiffany figure out the rest."
Jaslene gave a satisfied nod. "Perfect. Now that's settled, who else is hungry?"
"We have a reservation for 7 p.m.," Zyan told her.
"Lovely. Where?"
Zyan glanced at Carter, whose head snapped up when he realized he'd been caught digging through the gift bag. "Uh…"
"Our reservations?" Zyan prompted.
"Oh, yeah. There's this place down the road, across the street from that skyscraper construction site."
Zyan frowned. "Didn't they shut down last year?"
"Yeah, but another restaurant moved in. My new producer recommended it to me."
"Why did the other one shut down?" Jaslene asked.
"It was a front for a drug cartel."
The Thing About Forever Page 27