“My arms feel so weak from pushing. Can you take her, Jonah?”
He scooped the baby from Maggie's arms, not sure if he was holding too tight or not tight enough. “Just rest, Maggie.”
A multitude of emotions, so achingly strong, gripped him as he looked down at the baby. She was impossibly lost in his arms. Her faced was wrinkly and red, her little nose slightly pug. She squirmed in his arms, kicking up a fit beneath the confines of the receiving blanket she'd just been wrapped in, as if it were as strange to her as it was to him to be holding her.
Maggie had trusted him to do the right thing, to give her child a name and a father to call her own. That was all well and good months ago when all Jonah cared about was keeping Wiltshire in his family. When all he was to this baby was a stand-in father who could never hurt or disappoint her. When he didn't love Maggie so desperately.
Now this little child looked up at him with an unconditional trust and he knew without a doubt he'd been wrong. He couldn't be a father to a child in name only. When the year was over and this baby learned the truth, she'd hate him. It didn't matter that her biological father had deserted her. When all was said and done, this baby would resent Jonah for not being the father she needed. And Maggie would resent him too because he could never be what this baby needed. In the end he'd fail them both.
“Maggie, I...”
Maggie forced a smile where moments ago her heart spilled over with joy. She was totally exhausted and her head was swimming. Her baby was here. And thank the Lord above, she was healthy.
But as she looked at Jonah holding the baby now, she didn't have to hear Jonah say the words to know what he was thinking. He didn't want the baby.
He sat next to her all during the delivery. Much as she didn't want to, she needed him and was glad when he finally made it to the hospital in time to help her through the delivery. But seeing him hold her daughter like a sack of potatoes shattered her heart like glass.
No matter how much their relationship had changed since he'd been home from England, it didn't change the fact that Jonah wasn't her baby's father. He didn't love her.
The delivery nurse rescued the baby from Jonah's arms and relief flooded his expression.
“We have to weigh her and give her a quick physical exam before you can feed her,” Dr. Danport said. “I'd like her to stay in the incubator for a little while until we know she isn't having trouble keeping her body temperature or breathing on her own.”
“Is she big enough?” Jonah asked, turning away from Maggie.
“Surprisingly so for her gestation. You shouldn't have to worry. She looks very healthy for being almost a month early.”
Maggie closed her eyes, relief that her baby was okay filling her fully. She had a healthy baby girl. But Jonah...
She'd been such a fool. All these months she'd been married to Jonah, Maggie silently hoped he would love the baby. She wasn't a stupid woman. She knew Jonah cared deeply for her and her wellbeing. That much was so obvious from the way he kept insisting she take care of herself and not work. And the way he'd been since he'd returned from England.
But a baby changed everything, especially a child that wasn't his own flesh and blood. How could she not see that?
Jonah was a man of his word. He'd claim her baby and give her a name. That was their agreement. But that wasn't what Maggie truly wanted. She knew that now. She'd been deluding herself, thinking if her baby had a father to call her own, that it would be enough.
She was wrong. Her baby didn't just need a father to stand-in on the occasional times in the school yard when someone teased her. She needed her father's love. Something Maggie never had. Something she couldn't force Jonah to do no matter how much she loved him.
* * *
“I didn't expect to see you home.”
Jonah turned to the sound of Mary's voice, glad that she was still awake. Funny how it never bothered him being in a quiet house before. Without Maggie here, the house felt empty. “I didn't wake you, did I?”
“I've been up on and off all night, waiting for you to come home. Why aren't you at the hospital with Maggie?”
“Maggie needs to rest. I never realized how tiring it was to have a baby.”
Mary's gasp cut through the quiet of the room. “The baby is here?”
Jonah rubbed his face with both hands, feeling the stubble on his cheeks grate his palms.
“Well, out with it.”
“I'm sorry?” He was drained, physically and emotionally. Things had gone so wrong at the hospital. He didn't know how to make it right again. All he could see was the baby in his arms and Maggie's painful expression when he handed her over to the nurse. What the hell had happened?
“Are you going to make me guess or are you going to tell me whether I should trim this blanket with pink or blue?”
Jonah glanced down at Mary's hands, noticing for the first time the knitted blanket she was carrying. A small pouch holding a few skeins of yarn and some knitting needles was tucked under her arm.
“You made something for Maggie's baby?”
Mary's smile matched the same radiant beam he'd seen on Rhonda when she held the baby. “All that's left is the trimming.”
A bittersweet smile tugged at the corners of his lips. The same emotions that filled his heart beyond measure just after the baby was born, feelings he didn't understand then and couldn't let go of now, came again to the surface.
“It would look beautiful in pink,” he said with a lighthearted chuckle. “You should have seen her. This tiny little creature with one heck of a set of lungs.”
Mary clapped her hands, the knitting needles she held clipping together. “A baby girl. Oh, how precious.”
“All this time Maggie's been referring to the baby as a boy that I was stunned when the doctor said it was a girl.”
“Well there was a 50/50 chance,” Mary said, laughing. “Before you know it your darling daughter will be running through these halls.”
Jonah's heart sank and he swallowed passed the lump lodged in his throat. Would they be here that long? “Maggie's daughter.”
Mary's expression crumbled, her joy becoming a scowl. “Rubbish!” she scolded, as she'd done so many times when he was a boy.
Mary drew in a deep breath and padded softly over to the sofa. She eased down next to him, patting his knee with her hand.
“I've seen you like this a hundred times over. Every time you'd visit one of the Haven Houses with Cam you'd come home and push whatever feelings you had for those kids from your heart. And now you're doing the same thing with Maggie and the baby. What are you so bloody afraid of, Jonah?”
That much was easy. He could answer that. He was terrified of the day Maggie would pack her bags and walk out the door. With each passing day he forgot more and more about the life he'd had before she'd come into his world. All he knew is he didn't want to face every day knowing he wasn't coming home to her smile.
Despite the money he'd had his whole life, Jonah knew Maggie was far richer in many ways than he had ever been. She knew the value of family. Knew when she had it and what was important to hold onto. She sacrificed to give that same sense of family and love to her child.
She had been right about so many things. Love, family, that's what was important. That was what was missing from the lives of the children who sought refuge at Haven House. That's what had been missing from his own life. The estate in England was nothing more than a cold stuffy building made of stone sitting on a lonely chunk of land. And everything he’d built around him since he’d left England was just a mirror image of what he’d left behind.
“I can't be what she needs.”
Mary seemed to sense what was on his mind. “I think you're exactly what she needs. And I know she's what you need.”
He looked at her then and saw the tears brimming the edges of her eyes.
“Sometimes life gives you what you need and sometimes someone gives it a hand.”
“That would be grandfather
,” he said wryly.
Mary sighed, shaking her head. “Don't judge him so harshly. He worries about you, and so do I. Do you think it was your mum who asked me to bring you baked cookies while you were away at boarding school? Do you think all my scolding and patching up your knees was because…” Mary let her voice trail off and shook her head. “I don't know why, but I missed you. Trouble and all. I worry over you and I want you to be happy. And you don't have a drop of my blood flowing through your veins.”
He stared at the woman who was so unlike his real mother and yet held more emotion and warm memories in his heart than his own flesh and blood did.
“It's not their fault, Jonah. You can't ask your parents to be what they're not. And even though I wasn't there for the important times in your life, your graduations, the day you were knighted by the Queen herself, I tried as best I could to bridge the gap they left in you. Because blood or not, I do love you. Stop keeping Maggie at arm’s length. She has so much love to give and so do you. I know you have enough love in you for both Maggie and her baby.”
“What if I fail?”
“You’ve never failed at anything in your life. If it’s important to you, then you can make it work.” She stood and took a few steps away before turning back to him. “Why don't you get some sleep and we'll go visit Maggie and the baby in the morning.”
What had been said, should have been said a long time ago, Jonah realized. Mary was right and so was Maggie. How long could he keep pushing away the important things in his life?
He was his parents' flesh and blood and that had never been enough to keep him in their lives. Maggie's baby wasn't his flesh and blood, but that didn't mean he couldn't love her and be a father to her for the rest of her life. The amount of love he had for Maggie surpassed anything he'd ever felt before. There was room for more. He knew that now.
“You're wrong, Mary,” Jonah said, just as she reached the doorway. She paused, glancing at him, and their eyes locked. “You were there for the most important moments in my life. You still are.”
The telephone ring sliced through the silence and broke the emotional tide flooding him.
On the second cutting ring, Mary answered it. It was her expression that told Jonah something was wrong. Terribly wrong. She silently dropped the phone in the cradle and turned to him.
“You must get to the hospital immediately. Maggie needs you.”
# # #
Chapter Fourteen
“I shouldn't have called you,” Maggie said staring at Jonah in the dimly lit hospital room.
For the first time she regretted the impulsiveness that led to calling Jonah in the middle of the night. He looked worn down, almost as much as she felt. She should have waited to tell him about the baby until he'd come to visit her later in the morning.
Hours earlier, everyone had left the hospital, riding the joy of the birth of her baby. Despite Jonah's immediate reaction to holding the baby just after she was born, Maggie had caught him staring at the baby while her mother held her. Even when Cam had left the room so she could nurse, Jonah stayed. There were times when the panicked mask he'd worn would lift and his expression filled with the same wonderful feelings consuming her.
When visiting hours were over and everyone had left the hospital, Maggie found herself holding her daughter in her private hospital room, praying that she was wrong. Maybe Jonah would want to be a father to her baby. She clung to that thought as she fell asleep and again when she woke each time the baby needed to be fed.
But she'd done nothing but cry since she'd woken during the early hours of the morning, turned on the overhead lamp behind her bed so she could nurse her daughter. She knew immediately something wasn't right. She'd held her panic in check until the nurse came in and confirmed what Maggie had expected, her baby's skin was turning yellow. She'd read that baby jaundice was common. But when the nurse snatched the baby from her arms and immediately brought her to the nursery, Maggie thought her world was tumbling down. Fear like she’d never known gripped every ounce of her and wouldn’t let go.
Without thinking, she immediately called the one person she knew would bring her comfort. Jonah. She didn’t bother to think about the hour, or that he’d probably be exhausted. She should have waited until the morning, until he came to visit her again.
But she just wanted him with her, needed him with her.
“You were right to ring me. Did you talk with the doctor yet?”
“Briefly on the phone. The resident on duty did the initial assessment.”
“What did he say?”
“Baby jaundice. And something about incompatible blood. My heart was hammering so loud I could barely concentrate. He said he’d explain it all when he got here later in the morning to examine her fully and check the bilirubin levels again.”
“You shouldn’t have to go through this all alone,” he said quietly.
Her gaze swept over him. It seemed amazing to think so, but he looked a few years older than he did this afternoon, as if someone had just dropped a tremendous weight on his shoulders. Maggie sighed and closed her eyes as she fell back against the plump pillows stacked behind her on the bed.
“I should be in the nursery with Amanda.”
Disappointment seeped into his voice. “You decided on a name?”
She smiled weakly, realizing for the first time what she’d done. On those nights they sat in the library and talked, she’d always throw out a name or two and ask Jonah what he thought. He’d always give his opinion. “The playground could be a dangerous place for the kid with a name like that,” he’d joke. She’d laugh and go on to the next name in the baby book. This time, she hadn’t included him.
“Yeah, do you like it? I was so convinced this baby was going to be a boy that I never gave any real thought to a girl’s name. But I think Amanda fits her, don’t you?”
He drew in a deep breath and nodded. “You should stay in bed. You look like you’re about to collapse. What were those lights over the baby?”
“Bili-lights. It’s a treatment for babies with serious jaundice.”
The tension between them was palpable. Jonah avoided looking at her, touching her. He just sat at the foot of the bed as stiff as a petrified board.
She wanted her baby and since she couldn’t have that, Maggie wanted Jonah to hold her. Who was she kidding, she wanted both. She wanted her baby and she wanted Jonah. For her. For both of them. She wanted to tell him she needed him, that she loved him and wanted to share this fear they both felt together. But the distance between her and Jonah now seemed miles away.
“Maybe you should go home. You look like you didn’t get any sleep at all,” she finally said when the silence dragged on longer than what was bearable.
Jonah rubbed his hand over his shadowy beard and shook his head. “I’ll talk to the nurse about having a cot brought into your room. I want to be here when the doctor comes in to examine the baby.” His eyes widened, suddenly unsure. “That is if you want me to stay.”
Her bottom lip trembled as she smiled. Jonah’s feelings toward the baby might not be what she had hoped for, but he was here for her and for that she was so very glad.
“I’d like that very much.”
Jonah drifted to the window, opening the blinds and staring out into darkness.
Light from the hospital spotlight glowed against the red brick exterior of the building. From where she was sitting, Maggie could see that it was snowing. The tiny shimmering flakes looked like diamonds falling from the sky. In a few short hours people would be bustling about on the streets outside, getting ready to do some shopping for the holidays which were just around the corner.
“You should try to get some sleep,” Jonah said. “You look...”
Maggie couldn’t help but chuckle at the expression on his face. “You can say it. I look like a Mack truck just hit me. Well, I feel that way, so I guess it’s only right.”
He smiled and her insides blossomed to life.
She eased
herself over to the side of the narrow mattress. “Come here,” she said softly, patting the empty spot next to her. “You need some rest, too.”
His mouth sliced into a tired grin. “That bed isn’t big enough for both of us. You won’t get any sleep at all.”
“We’ll make it big enough,” Maggie insisted. She wanted him to hold her. She wasn’t going to sleep no matter how hard she tried, so she may as well take some comfort in Jonah’s strong embrace. It was selfish, she knew. But she didn’t care. She needed him. Now more than ever.
Jonah sank down on the mattress next to her and folded her in his arms. He was warm and strong and exactly the medicine she needed. She tucked her head beneath his chin and rested her cheek against his chest, listening to the steady drum of Jonah’s heartbeat against the early morning hospital noises filtering in from the hallway. The high pitched whine of an empty gurney being pushed across the floor mixed with the whistling tune from the janitor as he made his way down the hall emptying wastebaskets into a large bin. Babies were crying in the nursery. One of them was Amanda.
Maggie managed to sleep an hour or two before the blaring sunlight streaming in through the open blinds stirred her. She opened her eyes and instead of feeling the comfort of Jonah’s arms around her, she was alone and feeling worse that she did when she’d climbed into bed.
She glanced at the clock and gasped. She’d slept well into the morning. Why hadn’t anyone come to get her to feed Amanda?
Muscles she didn’t even know she had screamed in protest as she tried to lift herself from the bed. She gave it a second try just as a nurse holding an IV bag entered the room.
“You aren’t going anywhere,” the nurse said, replacing the old IV bag on the pole by the bed. “You’re ghostly white. I’ll bet you don’t even remember the doctor coming by to see you this morning.”
Maggie shook her head. She hadn’t remembered anything since she’d fallen asleep in Jonah’s arms.
“How are you feeling?”
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