Before coming to Jasper Gulch, he had ridden as if he didn’t care whether or not he was injured—because he didn’t. It was as if his life wasn’t worth the worry. Oh, he always rode to win. That was a given. But he wasted little thought on whether or not he made it to the eight-second whistle in one piece.
And then he’d met Julie. She’d made him care too much, and it was ruining his confidence, undermining the bravado he counted on. Even if he managed to temporarily put her out of his mind, the change in attitude lingered. He wanted to live. To be happy. To…
“To what?” Ryan muttered under his breath. For a guy who prided himself on having a practically nonexistent personal life, he was sure mixed up at the moment.
He was on his way to the arena with his bull rope when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Wheeling, he frowned, wondering where he’d seen the familiar face before.
“It must be the lack of a collar,” Ethan said, apparently recognizing Ryan’s confusion. “I only wear it for official church business.” He offered a hand. “Ethan Johnson. I had the pleasure of introducing you in church last Wednesday evening.”
“Right. Sure.” Ryan accepted his hand and grasped it firmly, surprised to note that the preacher was strong in his own right. “So did Julie send you?”
Ethan’s puzzled expression was his answer even before the man shook his head and said, “No. Why should she?”
“Because I’m a backslider,” Ryan said, starting to relax. “Hadn’t been in church for years until she talked me into going with her.”
“I see you didn’t suffer much from associating with us. I hope we’ll see you there again.”
“I won’t be around long enough to count as a regular,” Ryan said. “Besides, God isn’t interested in me.”
“He’s always interested,” Ethan countered with a smile. “But I can relate to thinking otherwise. I wasn’t always a pastor.”
“Really?”
Ethan nodded soberly, his lips pressed into a thin line. “A man’s past is just that—past—when he comes to the Lord and asks for forgiveness. It’s a new start, a new birth, just the way baptism portrays it. You symbolically die to your old self, are buried with Jesus, then reborn as one of His children. Simple.”
“Not for me.”
“How long have you been fighting God?”
Ryan’s jaw gaped. He snapped it shut. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you sure Julie isn’t hiding somewhere watching us?”
“Nope. I haven’t seen her. But I can see pain in your eyes. The only really sad part is that you don’t have to suffer. Forgiveness is only a prayer away.”
“Like I said before, not for me,” Ryan insisted.
Ethan clapped him on the shoulder. “If you should happen to change your mind, I’m always available to talk. Just stop by the church or give me a call. The number for the office is in the phone book, and here’s my card with my cell number.”
Although Ryan accepted the pastor’s business card because it was the polite thing to do, he had no intention of using it. Nor was he planning to attend church again. It was too stressful, made him think too much, remember too much. Some parts of the past were best put out of a man’s mind and kept there. Dwelling on his mistakes wouldn’t bring back his brother. Nothing would. Kirk was gone and it was his fault for keeping silent when he should have spoken up and told their mother what had been going on. If only he hadn’t promised….
“Listen, kid, you break your word and tell Mom, I’ll wail on you, you hear,” Kirk had warned. “If she cared whether or not I had a few drinks with my buddies she’d stay home more.”
“But Kirk…those guys are trouble. You said so yourself.”
“Only to keep you out of trouble, little brother. I’ll be back before Mom misses me. She’s working late tonight. Remember? She said so.”
Young Ryan had bit back worry and frustration. “Then take me with you.”
His older brother’s laugh had been loud, hoarse. “Oh, sure. That would do my rep a lot of good. You’d have to sit in the car anyway. You’re way too young for bars.”
“So are you!” Ryan remembered shouting.
His fists clenched again and he heard Kirk’s cynical laugh as the memory strengthened. That was the last time he’d spoken to his brother, the last time he’d seen him alive.
Their mother had come home from work to find Ryan curled up on the sofa, sniffling, while a couple of uniformed police officers waited to break the bad news to her.
Ryan had known there had been a disaster the moment they’d knocked on the door. By that time it was too late to tell and save Kirk’s life. Too late to do anything except blame himself.
He still did. Guilt was only wrong if you had no sins to atone for. There were plenty of other mistakes in his life, yes, but nothing compared with the loss of his only brother. Absolutely nothing.
* * *
Julie’s seat with her family was first-class and much more comfortable than the regular bleachers. The only drawback was her inability to quickly jump down and mingle with the cowboys after Ryan’s upcoming bull ride.
She noted Adam looking past her and followed his sidelong glance to their father. Jackson Shaw was pouting like an unhappy little boy while closely studying her.
“What’s the matter, Dad? I’m here, aren’t I?”
“You clearly don’t want to be. What’s come over you, Julie? You used to be such a sensible, obedient child.”
Her smile was punctuated by Adam’s cough and chuckles from Cord and Austin. “I think the boys might disagree,” she said. “Being the youngest wasn’t all bad. I got away with a lot more than the others did.”
Jackson bristled. “Are you saying your mother and I didn’t do a good job raising you?”
Julie’s gaze met Nadine’s and lingered, then drifted back to her dad. “You were both great parents,” she said. “I was a little stinker part of the time, that’s all. Every kid goes through a rebellious period.”
“I never saw that in you,” Nadine said, grasping her husband’s large hand.
“That’s because she saved it all for now,” Jackson argued. “If you think I’m going to put up with you chasing all over the country after a no-good cowboy, you have another think coming. Remember who owns the ranch.”
“You gave me the piece I’m living on for my twenty-first birthday.” The anger he was displaying gave her the shakes and made her wonder what else he was going to threaten to do to control her.
“The acres around your house. Not all that pasture land you’re using.”
“Now, Jackson…”
Julie saw the discomfort in her mother’s expression, sensed it in her halfhearted plea to her father for compassion.
Rendered speechless, Julie diverted her attention to the arena, set her jaw and clasped her hands in her lap. Her own father had just threatened to force her to thin her flock and perhaps give up her entire business. He had always been totally supportive. Would he go back on all his promises simply to get better control of her and keep her away from Ryan?
The whole concept was ridiculous. She loved her father as much as she loved the rest of her family. How could he be so cruel in return? If he was truly serious and not just throwing out baseless threats, she was going to have to question her judgment regarding everyone and everything.
Public-address broadcasts that echoed across the arena came from the announcer’s stand directly behind her, so she heard the words twice with a split-second delay. It was Ryan’s turn to ride. She perched on the edge of her chair, barely breathing, and wondering if her family was watching the action at the chutes or her reaction to it.
She tensed. Clasped her already tingling fingers so tightly they throbbed. Saw Ryan nod, ride skillfully and safely dismount. This time.
Her pounding
heart felt as if it were lodged in her throat. Unshed tears misted her vision. If she left the mayor’s special booth and went to Ryan now, it could cost her everything. If she didn’t, she’d be ceding her pride and freedom to unfair threats and one man’s power trip. The Jackson Shaw who had raised her was not a vindictive person, he was simply a stubborn man who was used to being in charge and found it difficult to back down, even when he was wrong. And she was every bit his daughter.
Rising, Julie calmly approached her father. “For the record, Dad, Ryan and I started out pretending to be a couple, just for fun. But now I can see that it’s time to rethink that status.”
She bent and gave her father a quick kiss on the cheek. Then she stood tall, turned and walked off the platform.
* * *
Ryan had already reclaimed his gear and was talking to a group of fellow competitors when he spotted Julie in the distance.
One of the other men slapped him on the back. “Look sharp, Travers. Here comes your fan club.”
A shorter rider guffawed. “Yep. The president and only member. To look at you two, a fella might think you were getting serious.”
“Not me,” Ryan insisted, feeling his gut twist in disagreement.
“In that case,” the first man said, spitting aside into the dirt, “maybe I’ll see if she’d like to have supper with me instead of you.”
The group chuckled and hooted derisively when Ryan lifted his chin and said, “Over my dead body.”
“That’s what we thought,” someone else commented. “So what’re you waiting for? Go get ’er, cowboy.”
Pausing only long enough to shoot them a warning look and declare, “Cool it,” Ryan turned and hurried toward Julie.
The closer he got, the stronger became the urge to open his arms and invite a hug. Would she permit it? She seemed to be matching his enthusiasm, but did he really want to take their friendship to another level?
“I am totally out of my mind,” he muttered, slowing so she could take the final few steps and choose how close they ended up. It was close. Very close.
When she finally halted, breathless and flushed, she didn’t speak.
Neither did Ryan.
They gazed into each other’s eyes and just stood there, silent, waiting.
Ryan could hear whistles and catcalls coming from the cowboys he’d been with after his last ride. Did Julie hear them? Could she tell they were for her?
He gave her a lazy smile and arched his brows. “Ignore those guys. They’re just jealous.”
“What?” She seemed to snap out of whatever had been keeping her attention so narrowly focused.
Ryan gestured over his shoulder. “The bunch behind the chutes. They were teasing me when you got here and don’t have enough sense to shut up.”
“I guess I should be flattered.”
“Only if you enjoy being the center of that kind of attention.” He sobered, studying her. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s not important.”
“Anything that makes you unhappy is important.” He took her arm and urged her away. “Come on. You can tell me what’s bothering you while I stow my gear in the truck.”
She resisted. “Really. It’s nothing.”
What he wanted to do was grab her shoulders, hold here still and make her face him until she confessed. Instead, he gave a nonchalant shrug. “Is there a problem with your lambs?”
“No, they’re fine.”
“The dogs, then? Cowboy Dan?”
“He’s fine, too.” Her lower lip was quivering.
That was enough to make Ryan drop his gear bag and follow his earlier instincts by cupping her shoulders. “Look at me, Julie. We haven’t known each other long but I can tell when you’re upset. Unless you want to wait and unload on your sister or brothers, you may as well open up to me. I have broad shoulders.”
It was a shock to feel her hands starting to slip around his waist. Tears glistened in her eyes moments before she stepped closer and laid her cheek on his chest.
Ryan embraced her. What else could he do? Not only was she acting brokenhearted, his own emotions were surging, his pulse racing and jolting like the rankest bucking horse he’d ever ridden.
At this moment, in this place, in front of everybody behind the chutes and half the folks in the nearby grandstands, he could not have stepped away from this woman if he’d wanted to. And he definitely did not want to.
He gently stroked her back, feeling her shudders as she fought to regain self-control. Ryan was surprised and more than a little chagrined when she quickly recovered and raised her face to swipe away scant tears.
“Sorry,” Julie said. “I’m not usually a crybaby.”
“I’m sure you had good reasons.”
Arching an eyebrow and managing a slight smile, she nodded. “Oh, yeah. I just can’t believe my father meant what he said.”
In view of past conversations, Ryan had a pretty good idea what the problem was. “I take it he told you he doesn’t like me much.”
“In a manner of speaking.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Not really. My father is my worry, not yours.”
“If you say so. Remember, I did agree to hang out with you to make a point with him. Sounds like we succeeded.”
Julie began to smile sweetly. A little moisture lingered on her dark lashes, making her blue eyes glisten like ice crystals atop a winter snow. “Yes. You might say we overdid it a tad.”
Relaxing, Ryan started to ease away from her in response to her comment. She tightened her hold on his waist and kept him close. That was confusing, given their very public position.
“In that case,” he offered, “maybe we’d better not act quite so friendly.”
“On the contrary,” Julie said flatly. “I think it’s high time I did something I’ve been wanting to do for ages.”
“Oh?” Ryan knew he was smiling, but he couldn’t help it. The grin spreading across her lovely face was an inescapable influence. So was the mischievous twinkle in her eyes—and he wasn’t mistaking unshed tears for mirth. He could read this woman like a book. She was definitely up to something. Something that clearly included him.
She leaned closer.
Startled, Ryan resisted.
You could have knocked him over with a feather when she raised both hands and cupped his cheeks to hold him still, tilted her head and touched her lips to his.
The effect was instantaneous. Every nerve in his body fired as if receiving an electric shock from a cattle prod. He could barely breathe.
Then he saw her slowly close her eyes and felt her deepen their kiss.
Sighing, he counted to three before clasping her wrists and holding them tightly so he could back off.
“Julie…”
She swayed. Opened her eyes. Stared at him as if seeing him for the very first time. “Oh, wow.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
“Then why did you stop me?”
“A guy can only take so much, Lambchop. I know you’re mad at your father, but this isn’t the way to get back at him.”
“I wasn’t doing that.”
“I’m afraid you were. I’m not saying I didn’t like it, I just think it would be better to cool it until you’re not furious with your dad. We’d both enjoy it more.”
She fanned herself with her open hand the way she had in the overly warm church. “I don’t know about you, but if I’d enjoyed that kiss much more I’d probably have fainted dead away. And I never faint.”
“Then it’s a good thing I didn’t kiss you back,” he gibed, hoping she’d believe him. Her wide-eyed expression and lopsided smile said otherwise.
She shook her head and drawled, “Ri-i-i-ight.”
It was Ryan�
��s turn to blush. His cheeks felt as if they were afire. “Okay. Maybe I did kiss you a little, but only because you took me by surprise.”
“That’s a relief. I’d hate to think that was the best you could do.”
“What did you say, Lambchop?”
“Oh, nothing. Just citing my opinion.”
Ryan acted before he could talk himself out of it. He grabbed her and literally swept her off her feet. Bending her over one arm while supporting her so she wouldn’t fall backward, he aimed directly for her lips.
Julie’s arms slipped around his neck. He felt her eager response to the kiss and it shook him so badly he had to take care not to drop her.
Passersby stopped to watch. A few applauded. The cowboys in the crowd who knew him whistled and hooted approval.
He knew he had proved his point and should end their romantic embrace immediately. It was a real struggle to act at all, let alone appear nonchalant when that kiss had just turned his world upside down.
Nevertheless, Ryan drew her upright and steadied her until he was certain she was stable, then let go and stepped away. Her eyes were enormous and misty. Her cheeks were rosy. Her lips trembled as if beckoning to him to repeat their kiss again and again and again.
Julie’s hands slid across his shoulders and traced a path down each arm, ending by briefly touching his fingers.
Given another time and place, Ryan might have grasped and held her hand. Since they were already causing a scene, he chose to hoist his gear bag and doff his hat to the spectators before looking to Julie. “I think we’d better make our exit.”
A grin split her face. “Probably. Where to?”
“Anyplace but here. I don’t want to be around when your family hears about what just happened and comes looking for me.”
“I’m shocked,” she joked, one hand at her throat. “You’re fearless in the arena.”
“That’s because all I have to face there are angry two-thousand-pound animals with bad attitudes. I don’t think I could defend myself against your dad and your three big brothers.”
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