by April Lust
“So, um, every Christmas,” Hannah started to say. “Every Christmas I think, that’s another year of my life gone, but this year at least…at least I have something to hold on to. That’s why I was making a tree. I thought, this could me and Alex’s thing. We could have Christmas together. We could be our own family,” she said softly.
Evan felt his stomach sink. That’s what the Christmas tree had meant to her, a beautiful warm memory for her and her son. And he had come in with his Christmas lights and tried to ruin it. He didn’t know if he had ever actually grasped what guilt was before this moment, but now he knew. Now it wrapped around his entire body, binding him together like a mummy. “I’m—I’m sorry,” he whispered, barely audibly.
“It’s okay,” Hannah said, but it was clear from the forced way she said it that it wasn’t okay, not at all. “Anyway, it’s not Christmas yet. Not for another few days.”
“Do you want…do you want to make a tree here?”
Hannah shook her head. “It’s not safe, right? We should just stay here for as long as possible to throw off the trail. We can’t leave and get a tree.”
Evan wanted to argue with her, but he knew she was right. There was no way they could go out to a main road without possibly attracting the attention of another set of hitmen. “There’s another way, you know,” he said a minute later.
“What do you mean?” Hannah asked.
He bit down on his bottom lip, inwardly begging for the courage to say his plan out loud. He didn’t know how she would react, but he realized now that she deserved to know. “Cut the snake off at the head. Salvatore.”
Hannah was quiet a moment, and Evan was afraid that she didn’t understand, but then she whispered, “You mean…?”
“Give him exactly what he deserves,” Evan said. “It’s the only way.”
She shook her head and shifted away from him as if on reflex, creating space between their two bodies. “No.”
Evan felt his entire body flush. He didn’t know whether he felt ashamed or angry. “Why? Why not?” He wondered if she was protecting Salvatore, if some part of Hannah, however small, wanted to keep him safe out of love. His stomach burned at the idea.
“Because it’s a stupid plan, that’s why,” Hannah said. “Because you’ll get yourself killed.”
“Not if I do it smart,” Evan shot back. “I know how the organization works. I know the weak spots, and I know how I can sneak in without anyone noticing. I know who he’s got protecting him. I can handle it. I know I can.”
Hannah reached over and scooped Alex out of Evan’s arms, and Evan felt a pang of loss in his chest. She’s mad at me, he realized. “You’ll get yourself killed,” Hannah said again before shushing Alex as he whined and reached his arms out in Evan’s direction. “You don’t know what he’s capable of.”
“And he doesn’t know what I’m capable of,” Evan said back, feeling himself get more and more frustrated with each passing second.
She sighed deeply and brushed a stray strand of hair back from her forehead. “So what’s the plan, then? You go back to Salvatore’s place, break in, sneak around until you get to Salvatore, kill him, sneak back out?”
“Something like that,” Evan admitted, even though her tone conveyed that she didn’t think it was a good plan.
Hannah shook her head several times and stared down at Alex in her lap. “Even if you can make that work, then what? You think Salvatore’s the only big man in the organization? You think he doesn’t have top lieutenants who are loyal to him? If you kill him, they will never stop hunting you.”
“And they’ll never find me,” Evan shot back.
“They found you, like, one day after you hid out in your cabin!” Hannah half shouted. “How are you going to hide from them forever?”
“How are you?” Evan asked, and he couldn’t keep the note of accusation out of his voice. “How are you going to keep yourself safe on the run from him forever? You’re right. They found us, they found us much easier than I would have guessed. Doesn’t that tell you something? Doesn’t that tell you that you will never be safe while they’re out there?” He paused to let her answer him, but she just stared back at him with her mouth firmly shut. “Please. Hannah, just trust me. Salvatore will never stop hunting you. He’ll never give up. He’ll never let go of Alex, or you. He’ll send everything he’s got after you until he knows you’re dead. It’s the only way.” His eyes fell down to his own two hands, and images flashed through his head, one after another after another after another, freeze-frame shots of all the people he’d killed with those hands over the years. “Please. I can do this. I can do this.”
“It won’t solve anything,” Hannah said softly. “It’ll just make you a murderer.”
“I’m already a murderer,” Evan replied.
He saw Hannah go pale, like she’d forgotten the way they’d met. “Yeah. I guess you are. And if you do this, that’s all you’ll ever be,” she said, getting to her feet and walking away. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”
Evan just sat still, listening to her footsteps recede until she found a bedroom, slamming the door behind her. If he strained his ears, he could hear Alex crying, high and sharp. He sat like that for a long moment, balling his hands into fists and staring down at them. Instruments of death, Evan thought. That’s all they are. That’s all they’ll ever be.
She was right, wasn’t she? There was no going back now. But at least he could do what he could to keep her safe, even if he made her hate him in the process.
Chapter Five
Hannah
Hannah groaned under her breath and cradled her head in her hands, wishing the pounding within her brain would calm down already. She’d just gotten Alex to quiet down and go to sleep, and now she was trying to get there herself, but her body wouldn’t allow it.
Maybe it’s punishment for being such a bitch to Evan, she thought to herself. But she was right, wasn’t she? Killing Salvatore wouldn’t solve anything. It would just make things more complicated. But at the same time, he had a point. She knew Salvatore well enough to know that he was too fucking stubborn to just let go of her. Hannah smashed her face into the nearest pillow, muffling the frustrated noises that left her mouth when she thought of the fight she’d had with Evan.
Why does it bother me so much? Hannah wondered. I hate Salvatore. Salvatore hates me. Salvatore wants to steal my child and raise him to be a monster. Why can’t I just let him die? She had no love or warmth or compassion of any kind left for the man, not after he’d hit her child. So what was the big problem? What kind of mother was she, really, if she wasn’t willing to murder for her son?
Even after staring out in space for several long minutes, she couldn’t get the guilt and the anger and the confusion in her mind to calm down, but she began to get used to it enough that she started nodding off into sleep, intermittently jerking awake and looking around to make sure Alex was still safe. After a while, her eyes became too heavy to keep open, and she finally succumbed to the sweet relief of sleep.
***
Hannah woke with a start, immediately sitting up in bed as thunder crashed around her. Goddammit. She couldn’t tell if an hour had passed, or only a few minutes since she’d fallen asleep. Either way, there was no way she was getting back to sleep now. Ever since she was a little kid, she’d been terrified of storms.
“Great, just fucking great,” she muttered to herself as she swung her legs over the side of the bed to check on Alex. “Exactly what I needed.” At least Alex was still asleep, looking as peaceful as ever even as lightning lit up the window behind him.
Hannah needed to walk around, to move her body. If she stayed cooped up in the bedroom, she was going to lose her mind. That was the thing about storms. You’re stuck in the house, and there’s no way to get out. I’m stuck in this house no matter what, she reminded herself. But she needed to lie to herself, to trick her body into thinking she had control in this situation. Otherwise she’d just lose her mind ent
irely.
Alex seemed calm enough, so she walked out of the bedroom, leaving the door open so she could hear in case he woke up and needed her. It only occurred to her just as she was walking back into the main room that she was going to have to face Evan again after their awkward argument. Oh, well. We’re stuck with each other, aren’t we? Hannah thought.
Evan was still sitting by the fireplace, but now it was lit up with life, fire roaring inside in the wood the cabin’s owners had left behind. “Hey,” Hannah said, getting him to turn around to face her. She honestly expected him to scowl at her, but Evan gave her a half-smile instead, so she figured it was safe to sit down next to him.
“What are you doing still up?” he asked as she settled down next to the fire.
Hannah reached her hands out closer to the flames, letting the heat lick her hands. “I…um…” She trailed off, uncertain if she should be honest with him about her vulnerability. Ah, fuck it. What do I have to lose? “I’m scared of storms.”
“Really?” Evan said, and he sounded legitimately surprised. Hannah felt herself blush a little in response, so she turned to face the fire more directly, hoping he couldn’t read how embarrassed she was on her face. “Aren’t you a little…”
“Old for that?” Hannah suggested. “Yeah, I am.”
“No, I wasn’t going to say that,” Evan said. “It’s just…you’re so tough, you know? It’s weird for me to think you’re scared of anything.”
Hannah laughed, feeling herself calm down more as the fire warmed her body. The crackling of the logs was almost loud enough to cover up the sound of the thunder outside. “I’m scared of a ton of shit. I thought our conversation earlier made that pretty clear.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Evan shake his head. “No, I didn’t think of it that way.”
Hannah reached up and ran her fingers through her hair. It calmed her down sometimes, feeling nails scratch against her scalp. If only she had someone else to do it for her, she thought wistfully. But those days were over.
“I don’t know,” she finally said in reply to Evan. “What’d you think then, that I’m some kind of murder-prude?” Hannah laughed a little at that, picturing herself as a nun ranting about the sins of the flesh.
She felt more than saw Evan shrug. Somehow by gradually shifting closer to the fire she’d closed the space between their bodies. They were almost touching, and she felt like she could feel waves of energy coming off of his skin. “It’s not like that,” Evan said. “You’re just…you’re just a good person. That’s all.”
Hannah shook her head. “I’m really not.”
“How can you say that?” Evan asked, sounding legitimately curious.
She sighed deeply and fell silent a moment, focusing on the sweet crackling noises of the fire and watching as the wood of the logs transformed into beautiful red sparks. She wished something like that could happen to her, that by walking through the fire she could become something warm, something burning strong. But it didn’t work that way. You walk through fire and you come out as ash, she thought. Salvatore burned away the best of me and I’m all that’s left now, just a shell.
“I stayed with him, you know. Much, much longer than I should have,” she finally said after her long pause. “I could have run away years ago, when he started beating on me. But I didn’t. There’s got to be a reason for that.”
“You were scared,” Evan said, as if that explained everything.
“I was a pussy,” Hannah said, her voice hard and brittle. “I could have done so much more, but I didn’t do it. Because it was easier not to. Because…because I didn’t want to go back to being poor. Because I thought, okay, if it takes getting beaten around to have food on the table all the time, to not have to steal to survive ever again, then I can put up with it. That’s honestly what I thought. Isn’t that fucking disgusting?”
“No,” Evan said. “It’s not disgusting. It’s normal. You grew up hungry, right?”
Hannah just nodded.
“All of us are fucked up because of our childhoods. I mean, look at me. Boo-hoo, my dad left me on Christmas. Get the fuck over it, right?”
“No, that’s not fair,” Hannah said softly.
“So then why is it fair to expect the same out of you?” Evan shot back.
“Because…because I just…I just fucked everything up more by staying,” Hannah said. “At least when I got pregnant, I should have run. Maybe then Salvatore would’ve just let me go, you know, especially if I ran before he found out. I could have just gone away and raised Alex by myself. But I didn’t. I stayed because I was scared. I was a weak little wimp and now Alex has to pay the price.”
“That’s not true—” Evan tried to argue, but Hannah cut in before he could continue.
“Isn’t it? Alex only got hit because I didn’t run away fast enough. Because I was afraid of Salvatore. And I’m still afraid of him. I’m still letting him tell me what to do, even now. That’s why I can’t let you kill him, because that weak motherfucker still has control over me. Isn’t that pathetic?”
Evan reached out and grabbed Hannah’s chin, making her turn her face to look him directly in the eyes. His face was serious, his mouth set in a hard line. “No. Hannah, no. That’s not true.”
Hannah felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention, but she didn’t know why. Am I scared? I don’t feel scared, she thought to herself. What’s going on?
“You’re not weak. You’re not a pussy,” Evan said, his hand drifting down from her chin to the side of her neck, causing all of the goosebumps there to prickle up. “You did the smart thing, okay? It was smart. Salvatore would have gone after you no matter what. That’s just the type of man he is. He would have punished you for leaving him because he can’t stand the idea that he doesn’t control everything on the face of the planet. He can’t stand the truth.”
“What’s the truth?” Hannah whispered. She didn’t have enough breath in her lungs to speak any louder than that.
“The truth is he’s weak, and you’re strong. But you’re also smart. You’re so, so smart for waiting until you did. You took the opportunity when you had it, when you knew you had no other choice. You were brave, Hannah.” She tried to shake her head at him, but Evan wouldn’t let her, holding her still by the neck, gently. “You’re strong. You’re brave. You’re a hero. You saved your son. You saved him, Hannah.”
“I didn’t, I didn’t—” Hannah cut herself off, dropping her gaze down to the floor. She knew that if she kept speaking she would cry, and that was unacceptable.
“You did,” Evan argued back. “You took him out of hell. You’re so heroic, Hannah. You’re the best mother imaginable.”
She couldn’t fight it anymore. Tears pooled into her eyes, threatening to immediately spill out onto her face. Evan must have seen it, as his hand traveled back up to her face, waiting to catch the first tear that fell, and then the second, and then the third. “You’re so brave, baby,” he whispered hoarsely.
She realized now why her hairs were standing up, why she was sweating lightly, why her breathing had quickened. She wanted him. She wanted Evan. In every sense of the word.
The thunder crashed again, and Hannah jumped, her body involuntarily leaping an inch into the air. Evan wrapped his arms around her, keeping her in place. His face was so close; she could feel his breathing hit her face.
It had been so long since she was touched like this. Salvatore never touched her affectionately. She only felt the contact of a man when he was fucking her or hitting her. Even in the early days of their relationship, he’d never been gentle. He’d never been soft, like Evan was being now, stroking her hair.
“I’m scared,” Hannah whispered.
“I know,” Evan said back in a low voice, and Hannah wondered if he really knew what she meant. I’m scared of you. I’m scared of wanting you. I don’t know what this means, she thought silently.
“Come over to the couch with me,” Evan said, bringing t
hem both off the floor, to their feet, and walking over to the couch where a blanket awaited them.
Evan lifted the blanket up so Hannah could sit down and then draped it over her before getting under it himself, their thighs and calves touching each other. He returned his hand to her face, using the other one to rub the back of her neck. “You’re beautiful, you know,” he murmured.
“Not anymore,” Hannah whispered, tears slipping down her face faster now. “Not now,” she said with a laugh, gesturing to her tear-splotched face.
“Especially now,” Evan said, leaning in to brush his lips against the newest tear on her cheek. He dragged his mouth over her skin, making every nerve ending on her face cry out in relief. This is what she wanted. This is what she needed. And for once, she realized, she was sick of denying herself.
Hannah crashed into him, her entire body melting with his just as her mouth latched onto his lips, sucking as hard as she could. She felt like she was inhaling his skin into her body, like she needed his flesh to survive. In the back of her mind, some little voice was asking: What am I doing? But she just couldn’t bring herself to care, not when Evan’s skin tasted so sweet. Hannah rubbed her hands all the way up and down his torso before going underneath his shirt, massaging his cold skin with her fingertips.