by April Lust
“No, no, we can’t, I can’t,” Evan murmured into her neck.
“What do you mean you can’t?” Hannah said, confusion tangling her thoughts together. She just stared at Evan for a long moment, waiting for him to explain himself or otherwise take his words back and follow her to the car.
“I have to—the other guards,” Evan said before pressing their foreheads together and falling into silence, as if that explained everything.
“What about them?” Hannah asked. “They’ve probably run away. They’re not our problem anymore. We should just get into the car and run away before the police get here and want to know about Salvatore.”
Evan shook his head, but his eyes stayed tightly closed, his face grimacing in pain. “They have to…they have to be taken care of.”
“No!” Hannah shot back. “We need to run. We need to put as much space between us and them as possible, and then…then we can just…be.” We can just be, she thought. We can just be normal people. We can just be happy.
“I have to, baby,” Evan said softly, rubbing his hand gently along the side of Hannah’s face, making her skin tingle like it had never been touched before. “I have to.”
“No, you don’t,” Hannah argued back. She wished she had the strength to pull out of his touch to punctuate her words, but she couldn’t bring herself to push him away. “You don’t have to do anything. We can just leave. Please, please, Evan, let’s just go. Please, let’s go.”
Evan stayed silent, his eyes remaining closed as he pressed his face against hers. “I need to…I need to go away for a while. I need to find them. Take care of all of them. If I don’t, we’ll just be waiting for the rest of our lives, looking over our shoulder and waiting for the worst to happen.”
The words sunk over Hannah’s head like a shroud, covering the entire world in its wake. “Why…why do you want to leave me alone?” Hannah whispered. “Why do you want to leave me?”
“I—I don’t,” Evan stuttered back, his voice weak and unsteady. “I don’t ever want to leave you.”
“Then don’t,” Hannah said, her voice hard and firm before melting at the sight of Evan’s pained face. “Please, just don’t.”
She watched him swallow hard before opening his mouth to speak. “Salvatore…Salvatore’s organization…” He trailed off, but Hannah remained silent, allowing him to gather his thoughts before speaking again. “It’s big. Bigger than you know, Hannah. They kept you in that little room so you’d never know enough to hurt them. But I know how big they are. There are tons of powerful guys aside from Salvatore, people who answered to him, people he answered to. It’s so big. You don’t know…you don’t know what they might to do us once they find out that Salvatore’s dead.”
“I don’t care!” Hannah found herself screaming, howling above the loud winter wind. “It doesn’t matter. I just—I just need you. I need you, Evan, okay? I don’t care if it makes me look stupid. I need you.”
Evan smiled at her then, slow and sad. “You don’t look stupid,” he said in a soft tone of voice.
“But you’re still not listening to me,” Hannah said in resignation. “You…you want to go kill, just like always.”
“Why—why would you say that?” Evan said, resting his head on top of hers, fighting against Hannah’s resistance to pull her closer. “You think I want to kill people more than I want to be with you?”
Hannah shrugged in his arms, giving up and sinking against his body. “I don’t pretend to know what you want,” Hannah whispered against Evan’s chest. “I just know that I want you with me. I don’t care about anything else.”
“That’s not true,” Evan said back. “You love your son more than anything else in the world, more than…” He cut himself off, sighing deeply. “You and Alex have to be safe. That has to come first.”
“He’ll be safe if you’re with him,” Hannah argued. “Not if you’re away from us, doing God knows what. It’s a goddamn suicide mission, Evan, and I’m not going to give you my blessing to go and get killed.”
“Maybe,” Evan started. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ll get killed. But if I don’t…if I don’t go, if I just stay with you, we’ll always be worried. We’ll never rest, not even for a second.”
“But we’ll be together,” Hannah murmured against him, nuzzling against his collarbone.
Evan was quiet for a long moment, rubbing the back of Hannah’s head and stroking his fingers through her hair. “You’ve been scared all your life, ever since you were born.”
Hannah didn’t argue with him, although she wondered how he knew that, like he was reading her mind.
“You’ve always been scared,” Evan continued. “You deserve to know what it’s like, to live without fear. I want to give you that, at least once. Please, please, Hannah, let me.”
Hannah shoved her face deeper into Evan’s chest and groaned in frustration. He laughed lightly above her and ran his hands through her hair again, clearly trying to comfort her. “I can’t convince you otherwise, can I?” Hannah said, her voice muffled by Evan’s shirt.
Evan was silent, and that was all the answer that Hannah needed. The hot sensation of tears pressed against her eyelids, threatening to spill over and reveal her weakness. She sniffled hard, trying to keep everything in, but a few drops of tears came out anyway, rapidly dripping down her face. She could feel her tears freezing in the cold, but she didn’t care, shifting even closer to Evan, trying to shield him from the wind.
He’s going to leave me, Hannah realized, her insides feeling numb and dead, like her life support had just been switched off. He’s going away. He’s already gone. She would have felt terrified if she thought there was any way she could change the course of events in front of her. But it was no use. Evan had made up his mind, and she knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t going to budge. She felt empty, completely chewed apart, like a carved-up jack-o-lantern, bits of her heart clinging to her like limp pulp. There was no point in trying to put herself back together. There was no way she was ever going to be whole again.
“When are you going?” she whispered to Evan, resigned to his decision.
“Basically…now,” he said back, rubbing the back of Hannah’s neck with the hand that wasn’t holding a gun. “While the trail is still warm.”
Hannah blinked slowly, tears falling and spilling onto Evan’s shirt. “Oh,” she said dully.
“Get another gun,” Evan said a moment later. “As soon as you can. Hold on to it as much as possible, even though…you shouldn’t need it,” he continued, rubbing the bottom of her back in an attempt to reassure her.
Hannah pictured herself buying a gun, holding onto her frying pan for as long as possible before that point to protect herself and Alex. “So I just look over my shoulder all the time, until…what? You show up?” Hannah asked.
“If I show up,” he corrected her softly, and Hannah moaned in pain, crushing her face deep into his chest so she could smell his scent, take as much of him in as possible.
“Please,” Hannah said, and at that point she wasn’t even sure what she was begging for, but she was desperate for it nonetheless, feeling her heart stutter in her chest like she was bargaining for her life. “Please, stay safe. Please, just be smart. I don’t… I don’t want Alex to forget you.” She started sobbing then, thinking of her son growing up without knowing Evan, her entire body suddenly wracked with pain at the idea.
Evan made soft, soothing, meaningless noises above her as he stroked the back of her head, but it was no use. Hannah knew that no matter how much she concentrated, she wouldn’t be able to remember how this felt, the sensation of being touched by Evan. It would fade from her mind like all memories did eventually, only a vague outline of it remaining. She was losing him, and there was no part of him that she could preserve, not really.
“I have to go, baby,” Evan murmured against the top of her head. “I have to take care of us. Please.”
Hannah nodded slowly, inhaling deep to bury
his scent into her lungs, trying to keep it inside. “Where do I go?”
Evan was quiet for a moment, pulling her deeper into his arms. “I always wanted to go to Belize.”
“Belize?” Hannah repeated.
“Yeah,” Evan answered. “I was going to go there after…after all of this. Just relax on the beach and…forget about everything else. That’s what you should do, baby.”
Hannah played with the collar of Evan’s shirt, trying to touch as much of his skin as possible. “How will…how will I know? If you’re coming or if you’ve…if you’ve died?”
Evan just kept moving his hand up and down her back, but it didn’t remove any of her tension. It was nice to feel his touch, though, so she leaned back into it, wanting more of his hands on her skin. “I don’t know,” he finally whispered against the top of her head. “Just go to the water. The shore in Belize. I’ll…I’ll search for you, if….if….” He trailed off, apparently unwilling to verbalize what might happen to him as he began tracking the other senior members of Salvatore’s organization.
Alex cried out quietly, almost mournfully, from the backseat of the car. Evan pulled away from Hannah, obviously concerned, so she walked back over to grab her son before walking back over to Evan. “You can hold him,” Hannah suggested in a soft voice. For the last time, she thought silently. She offered her baby forward, using her free hand to pull Evan forward by his sleeve.
Evan nodded slowly as he accepted Alex into his arms, immediately brushing his lips against the top of his head gently, making Hannah’s heart ache in her chest, throbbing like it wanted to burst out of her body.
“He loves you,” she whispered, watching as Alex’s tiny little hand grabbed at Evan’s shirt.
Evan stared down at the baby, his brow furrowed like he was examining an extraterrestrial creature. “He’s safe,” Evan murmured, talking more to himself than to her.
“Yeah, he is,” Hannah said. “Thanks to you.”
“No, no, you were right. I should have just waited in the hospital, with you the whole time. Maybe then tonight would have gone differently…” Evan trailed off, shaking his head.
“No,” Hannah said firmly. “Alex wasn’t kidnapped because of you. But he’s alive because of you, because you fought so hard for him. That…that counts. He’ll know about that. No matter what, Evan.” Hannah swallowed and rubbed her own cold shoulders to counteract the icy wind blowing against them. She wanted to communicate what she meant more clearly. If you die…he will know about you. I won’t let him forget, she vowed silently. But she just stared at Evan instead, watching as he brushed his thumb along Alex’s face and head.
“Thank you,” Evan murmured a minute later, still not looking directly into Hannah’s eyes.
“Of course,” Hannah replied, feeling fresh tears fill her eyes as Evan rocked Alex back and forth in his arms.
“He’s going to be strong, you know,” Evan said, staring down into Alex’s face.
“Like you,” Hannah said, sniffling a little to keep the tears at bay.
“No,” Evan said, shaking his head before lifting his eyes to finally meet Hannah’s once again. “Like you. Just like you.”
Hannah had to lift her hand then to wipe the tears from her face, pressing at her eyes until they stopped coming so quickly. “Thank you,” she whispered hoarsely as Evan handed her son back to her. “For everything.”
“Thank you for not killing me, Hannah,” Evan replied, his face falling as soon as Alex left his hands. “I know I didn’t deserve it.”
“No, you did, you did,” Hannah argued indignantly. “I just didn’t know it yet, but you did. You got a second chance.” Hannah paused, swallowing hard as Alex wrapped his tiny arms back around her neck. “Please don’t waste it,” she added in a low whisper.
Evan nodded slowly, his eyes glued to the ground. “I won’t,” he promised, his tone matching hers.
“Can you…can you look at me?” she asked shyly, feeling her cheeks heat up despite the cold.
He smiled a little and complied, lifting his eyes to meet hers. They stayed there, then, intensely staring.
“I’m going to miss you, Evan,” Hannah whispered, trying to memorize the way his eyes looked.
“Yeah,” he said back, clearing his throat to speak, but then he just repeated himself, “Yeah,” like that was the only word he could summon.
“Please. Be safe,” she said, finally turning around to face the car and walking off. I have to keep going, she told herself, despite the fact that her feet itched to turn back around and run back to Evan. I have to live. I have to survive. I don’t have any other choice.
Evan said nothing behind her. Maybe she had heard as much as she’d ever hear from his mouth. Maybe it was the end, now. Over before they even really started. Of course the true love of Hannah’s life would go that way.
Hannah leaned into the backseat first to secure Alex before moving up to the driver’s side, leaning her head against the wheel for a second before she straightened up and turned the engine on again. Hannah turned to stare at Evan, watching him through the opposite window.
Evan had started walking off in the distance, his figure appearing smaller and smaller against the horizon with each passing second.
“Evan!” Hannah shouted after him, tears suddenly streaming down her face as rapidly as a waterfall.
Evan turned back around to face her, his face falling at the sight of her tears. He sprinted closer to the car, stopping a foot away and freezing in place, almost like he was afraid to get too close.
“Merry Christmas,” she murmured softly.
Evan sighed deeply and closed the distance between them, slipping his mouth against hers through the open window. His thumb massaged her jawline, his tongue dipping in deeper to meet hers, nipping at her lips with his teeth.
“Merry Christmas, Hannah,” he whispered against her mouth a second later, before turning and breaking off into a run.
Hannah watched as he disappeared. Her eyes burned with tears, but inside she felt cold, frozen to the core. Her heart slowed down, and the sweat on the back of her neck immediately cooled. It was like her entire body had given up feeling things, but she was still functioning. She survived, again, like she always did.
In some ways that was the worst part, that nothing that happened had destroyed her. She would have to live with the consequences, feel the same numb pain, the same emptiness, for the rest of her days. Without Evan. She would have to be strong.
But it wasn’t like she didn’t have a ton of practice.
Chapter Eight
Hannah
Hannah was walking through a thick line of Christmas trees, a soft layer of snow on the ground and on the pine needles of the trees that surrounded her. She was only dressed in a white nightgown, but amazingly she didn’t feel cold, not even a single shiver despite the bareness of her legs and arms. Hannah turned her head to look behind her, but it was just an endless line of trees, stretching as far as the edge of the horizon.
How did I get here? Hannah asked herself. She even stared down at the ground, searching for some kind of sewer or subway grate that could have allowed to her to climb up from under the earth. But she couldn’t see anything, and she couldn’t remember driving here. I must have walked, she thought. But her legs ached only with the desire to keep moving, a giant itch that demanded to be scratched. So she obeyed it, continuing to move slowly forward through the thick layer of snow on the ground, leaving deep footprints in her wake.
As she kept walking, eventually she began to notice a spot ahead of her where the trees thinned. An opening of empty air. There must be a clearing in the forest, Hannah thought. Her legs immediately broke into an all-out run, her muscles pumping hard to get nearer to the opening in front of her. But it never got any closer. Am I running in place? Hannah wondered, but then she noticed that the trees were moving around her, changing as she moved faster and faster. It was just that the hole of light in the distance remained the same, totally
unreachable.
Her lungs finally gave out, forcing her to stop running and bend over, gasping for air. She stared down at the muddy snow on her feet, slowly melting into separate pools of ice-sludge on her toes. The atmosphere must have been heating up as the snow slowly shrunk back into the ground. Christmas is almost over, she thought. No more time for miracles.
When she looked back up again, Evan was standing in front of her, a sly smirk on his face. For a second she just stared at him, examining him from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, as if he were an alien creature sent to distract or destroy her. But…she knew those arms. She knew those hands, those beautiful, innately crafted, guilty hands. There was no doubting it, not when the sensation of how it felt to be touched by those hands rocketed through her brain again, all her old retired pleasure centers lighting up in joy as she stared at his fingers.