Fifth Born

by Zelda Lockhart

  Still no one came to the lot to make me go in.

  So I stood silent on the stain until there was the sound of whiskey bottles breaking and Leland fell out of the bedroom door. Pieces of glass fell, muted. I stepped through the images until Leland got up to stop Deddy, then Deddys knife connected under Lelands chin, the sound of the blade cleaving past flesh and bone. Leland fell back. His head hit the table in the hallway and made a cracking noise like Christmas nuts in Mamas palm. The knife spun in a pool of blood.

  In self-defense, Mama had said over and over on the phone, but now I remembered for myself. I stared down at the mulberry stain and remembered again Lelands wake: black, polished shoes stood in the hallway, the comfort of new carpet beneath their feet.

  I stood in the alley. The afternoon sun heated up the smell of cans filled with garbage, and I hid my face in my shaking hands and quieted long sobs of shame for who I was and for having lost Leland by Mama and Deddys careless hands.

  14

  Big Sister

  At the end of the month Mama gave birth to the eighth Blackburn. She thought at first she'd name him Edwin, but when the aunts laughed, she decided to name him Jessie. A week later Mama was back to the store in the day, and the tavern at night, and I was left to change Baby Jessie's diaper, rock him, and clean the navel cord that seemed to never fall off. I hated taking care of the boys, but something about Jessie's curly hair and round face made me think about angels, brown baby messengers. When he was awake I rocked him, while yelling at Benson and Daryl for fighting, and when he napped I thought about escaping, and taking him with me. When no one was looking, I did what Towanda said was weird. I put my lips on his belly and made him flinch and grin. He knew me better than he knew Mama. Benson and Daryl had been weaned too early, but at least they had been breastfed.Baby Jessie hardly ever saw Mama, and this made me soften to him.

  When the boys were napping, I went foraging through Mamas dresser drawers for change. The top drawer was the junk drawermatches from other taverns, hairpins, garter snaps, pink hair rollers, pennies, empty coin wrappers, pages of old phone bills, sample tubes of perfume, crumbs, and loose food stamp dollars Mama now ignored.

  I went down into the basement, turned on the washing machine, put whatever clothes were lying on the cold cement floor into the washer, and went out the basement door, up the steps, and was gone. My long rusty legs reached over the spiked top of the chain-link fence and scaled down the other side. I ran across the vacant lot, down the three steps that led to the alley, and down the alley as fast as I could run. My sneakers picked up speed, grinding broken glass into the bricks under my feet. I was on my way to Johnson Brothers store.

  Mr. and Mrs. Johnson owned the store down at the corner of our street and Byrd Avenue. Mrs. Johnson was a thin, dark black woman who reminded me of Granmama, except Mrs. Johnson was very quiet and spoke only when she was pushing her glasses up.

  Mr. Johnson was a drunk. All the neighborhood kids tried to go in the store when Mr. Johnson was left alone. They would get more candy for their dollar, even though Mr. Johnson would slur, You tryin to cheat me.

  His speckled gray Afro extended down his face and under his chin, an Afro that was flat on the sides from where he had slept. His white short-sleeved shirts were always unbuttoned too far, revealing his collarbone and the hairs around his nipples. His frail veiny arms swung from side to side like a monkeys as he staggered to the cash register.

  The smell of Pine-Sol diluted the smell of candy, lunch meat, and barrel pickles. The wooden floors creaked in every spot.

  I went in to spend my dollar and was glad that Mr. Johnson was there alone. But I was disappointed too, because I knew it would take him forever to figure my change, and I couldnt stay long or else Daryl would wake up first and start pinching Baby Jessie.

  Mr. Johnson sat down in the chair at the end of the glass candy case. His head drooped to one side; his mouth flopped open, as he supported his body with the arms of the chair. His long skinny legs were sprawled out onto the floor, his slacks too short for them.

  Mr. Johnson, I said softly, but he didnt answer. I stood next to the strip of chips that hung as far down as my arm. I thought about just taking what I wanted and then I thought about Mrs. Johnson, how her quiet eyes might be disappointed in me if they saw me turn from the quiet girl, the baby girl in the Blackburn family, to a thief. I thought for a moment longer, then snatched three bags from the clips, stood startled by how easy it seemed, and barreled out of the door, leaving the sound of the cow bell ringing behind me.

  I went back to the mulberry tree and ate my chips. I sat on the highest limb and let my legs hang down. When I was done, I balled the bags up and wedged them into a niche between the trunk and a limb, licked my salty fingers, and scaled the fence quickly before the baby woke, crying.

  15

  Birthmark

  The next winter Mama went to the hospital because she kept having tummy pains months after Baby Jessie was born. The doctor said she had to have gallstones removed.

  While she was in the hospital, LaVern stayed at Aint Fanny's house, and Towanda had to stay late after school every day for band practice, so I had to do the shopping at the Big G Market, which was a few blocks past Aint Fanny's house in the nicer black neighborhood.

  Deddy said, "You don't need a ride. A walk ain't gone hurt you none, might make you grow some muscles since you ain't growin nothin else."

  I hated that Mama wasn't around to listen to Deddy talk because it meant Deddy was talking to me, and paying more attention to me than I wanted. He constantly said stuff about my body or how my hair looked, until I rolled myeyes; then he raised the back of his hand to me to make me flinch.

  I tried to wear my clothes as baggy as I could. When Deddy looked at me, I could feel the space between my legs clench. He said, grinning at me, Im just kiddin with you, Dessa, Ill give you a ride to the store, but I ignored him because I knew that it was bait for him to later say, I changed my mind, you can walk to the store.

  Besides, I wouldnt have gotten into a car with him, but I listened to his offer and just said, No, sir, I can walk. I walked ten blocks through the dirty snow every other day, and the sound of Deddys ridiculing laughter spurred me on. I came home with pork chops, or chicken wings, or milk. Some days I let the snow seep into my boots to cool me off.

  With Mama gone, Deddy didnt change his routine at all except he woke up every morning and expected me to have his breakfast on the table. I had to make breakfast for everybody, and all Lamont and Roscoe had to do was take turns putting out the trash, and Towanda was smart enough to leave every morning at six oclock.

  Despite all of her grown-up knowledge, Towanda misunderstood what was happening to me. Im glad you learned how to stand up for yourself, Odessa. I dont think you bein bad, I think you giving Mama and Deddy a run for their money, and they cant stand it. You the only one around here, besides me, who can see stuff for what it is. She slammed out the back door to catch the bus, and left me to make Deddys coffee.

  After breakfast was out of the way, Deddy made it a point to announce to me, You aint learnin shit up at that school that you caint learn here changing diapers. Then he laughed, as high-pitched as he could, to get me to cry or complain, but Iknew better, I knew that if I did, hed just carry on longer. So I said, Yes, sir, under my breath to everything he said, my face hot with anger.

  After everybody was gone, I put on Towandas church coat, which had a hood and draw strings at the bottom, and was twice as big as my coat. I wrapped Baby Jessie in his blanket, zipped him inside the coat, snug against my flat chest, put Daryl and Benson in their snowsuits, and walked Daryl to Head Start and Benson to first grade up at the school. I stopped in at the office to tell the principal that Mama was still in the hospital.

  Mr. Stikes just said, Okay, Odessa, youre a good student. I expect you to do your best to catch up when you come back. He was the only white person in our school. All the teachers were black, and I didnt want him to look at me
and think bad of me. I wanted to tell somebody that I wanted to be at school, that my father had murdered his own brother, but I knew I couldnt tell him. I imagined what my aunts would say: Dont be lettin white folks know all your business. They just lookin to believe we all got problems.

  I wanted to go up to the third floor and see my teacher. I wanted Miss Clay to look in my eyes and know I needed something. She was good at that. One day she caught my eyes in the coat room, and came over to me, and with her slender fingers she held my chin and said, Hold your head up, baby, and walk like you are somebody. Nobody can take away your pride in yourself.

  I wasnt sure what she meant, but when I walked with Baby Jessie inside my coat, I practiced keeping my head up. I walked far and long enough to miss Deddy when he came home for his nap.

  The day Mama had her gallstone operation, I didnt walk with Baby Jessie, because I wanted to be near the phone in case the doctor called, like on the soap operas when the doctor called to say, Im sorry, she didnt make it. I had been thinking a lot for the past few days, and was starting to feel like maybe Mama didnt say anything about what really happened with Leland because she was scared of Deddy, or scared that her sisters would think it was wrong of her not to stand up for Deddy, or maybe there was some reason that she needed to do what she did. I wanted desperately to believe that, to justify how she had behaved, and have her come home from the hospital and not die.

  When Deddy came in for his nap, he walked past me in the sitting space. He stopped and stood over me. I said respectfully, Hi, Deddy, but he didnt answer as he paced back and forth, each time blocking my view of the TV.

  Get your ass up and make me some lunch!

  This was the voice he had used so many Friday nights with Mama, the voice that was half muffled if I fell asleep with a pillow over my head, the voice that had boomed over me, mixed with Mamas hoarse breathless words after his giant hands turned my bed over, and spilled me and Nakie onto the floor like marbles out of a sack.

  The hallway reeked of the whiskey and the musk of his unwashed body. My heart pounded in my chest, but I held onto my knees and stared at the TV. I drifted away from his voice and out toward images of myself in the mirror at age four, images of my face meeting the floor vent. The old cut over my left eyelid faded each year and got covered by Mamas voice, Just a little birthmark. Her stories echoed off the wallsin my mind. Your birthmark was special, because it was where an angel kissed your bad eye and tried to bless it and make it better.

  My head was filled with a million loud noises. Deddys rough, dry hand collided with my cheek. Baby Jessie was crying now while Deddy yelled at me, his words broken by the collision of his fist against my face. Im gonna beat the shit out of you, heifer, if you dont get up and do what I say!

  I was down on the floor with my head covered. I was ashamed that I didnt pick up something and fight him back. His leather belt shrieked as he pulled it loose from his pants. It cut the air above my head and came down with all of Deddys strength behind it. I imagined how this would all be remembered by Baby Jessie, who was crying so hard now that he couldnt catch his breath. He would confuse memory and retold stories. He would be afraid of Deddys belts. He would open the closet only wide enough to get his church clothes and avoid the row of Deddys belts hanging long, buckles shining. He would remember my bruised face and see me falling down enough imaginary steps to explain every mark on my body. My name would make him feel helpless, and I rememberedlike remembering to breathe when I was bornI remembered Deddys hand pushing my Nakie doll in between my five-year-old legs and ripping me.

  Cold moved up my spine to the crown of my head. The only sound now was my heartbeat, and the sound of my blue jeans being violently tugged passed my thighs. I held my hands over my ears and screamed with my mouth shutone long breath, until my head felt light and I flew through the ceiling, over rooftops, and landed safely in my classroom, where I sat patiently with my head down on my desk until it was over.

  When I woke up, Baby Jessie was asleep with a bottle. I was naked from the waist down, my legs were still spread open, and a small puddle of Deddys sperm was beneath me and sticky on my thighs. I grabbed my pants off the floor and clutched them to my chest.

  The house was heavy with the smell of Deddys stink; all the curtains and blinds were drawn and made the light in the house dingy like the air. I tried to breathe steady, but I felt like something heavy was pressing on my lungs. I put my hand over my own mouth and cried quietly so I wouldnt wake him in the next room. If I could get past the bedroom, I could get away, put my pants on as I got out the back door. But I couldnt leave Baby Jessie, so I slipped my pants on over bruised thighs and gathered Baby Jessie into his blanket to keep him warm. I held my breath as I inched passed Lelands death place, past the bedroom door, avoiding squeaky boards. But Deddy was not there; the bed was quiet, with covers twisted into odd shapes.

  He had gone back down to the tavern, leaving me there to die, knowing that there was nowhere for me to run. If I told my teachers, Mama would tell them something different, about me being sick, or talking out of my head.

  I wanted to be numb, to wash myself and not care about what had happened, to look at Deddy and be better at the game of forgetting than he was, look him in the eyes and make him wonder if those were drunken dreams about him doing that to me at five and now, about seeing me peer at him through the glare of my thick glasses with Lelands blood still on his hands.

  The clutter of socks and shoes and the dreariness of the house made the pain of my head worse. I rocked Baby Jessie as I walked back to his crib. In my mind I heard one of the aunts singing a church song:

  As I journey

  through this land

  singing as I go

  Many arrows pierce my soul . . .

  I managed to get myself into the bathroom by singing church songs. I looked at myself in the mirror and turned away. I looked like Mama with glasses, with cuts on my cheek, welts on my back. I touched the bruises on the inside of my thighs, and they had already turned hard and purple.

  I had an hour before it was time to pick up Benson and Daryl. An hour to wash the smell of his sex off of me, to try to figure out what Deddy would tell my sisters and brothers about my cuts and bruises, and what I would tell my teachers. I ran a tub of water and eased myself down into it. I let the hot water enter and leave me to push out where Deddy may have made me pregnant. When I was done, I let the water down and started over.

  I knew I had lost track of time when Gretal came banging on the back door with Benson and Daryl at her side. Odessa, open the door! I had already started dressing, but couldnt think fast enough to figure out how to hide my face. Baby Jessie was still asleep, his locks of hair sweaty on the side of his soft brown face. I hurried to the sitting space, where I pulled the rug over the damp stain of Deddys sperm. I walked through the kitchen. The wood creaked under the linoleum, tired from the path worn over the years. After I opened the door for Gretal, I turned around as fast as I could. My two french braids were partially undone, and my body was clenched in pain. I could picture the scene of me scampering back to the sitting space, like Mama, hoping nobody would see my face.

  Gretal peered at me in the dim light of drawn curtains.What? Did you just wake up or somethin? Hell, I ought to stay home and baby-sit too.

  Since when do you care, Gretal? I thought you found yourself some friends down the street. I had already made myself cold. I didnt want Gretal doing me any favors. After I had that nightmare, she treated me like I was just any other kid on Kennedy Avenue. Since then, she had grown two inches taller than me, and every time I looked at her now, I was jealous. Her hair was always permed, without a nap at the roots, and Devon let her wear it down in a Farrah Fawcett. Her blouses and skirts smelled like the department store, and her shoes were always shiny. Devon was working at Famous & Barr now, and all of Gretals outfits were name brands.

  Mama said, That dont make no sense. When that girl get tired of wearin somethin, she just throw it in a corner
and get a new one.

  I turned on the TV for Benson and Daryl to watch Sesame Street, and Gretal sang the theme song while dancing with her hands in my face. I wanted to be strong and ignore her, but she stood in between me and the TV screen and got a good look at my face.

  She stopped dancing. Odessa, what happened to you? The boys turned around. I grabbed her hand, and we went into the kitchen, where a stream of sunlight was bright on the kitchen table. She put her hand on the side of my face. Girl, havent you figured out how to stay out of your old mans way yet? I focused out of my daze and stared at her. How did she know? For all she knew, maybe I fell down the steps again. She looked away from me, her almond eyes shaped by mascara and eyeliner. She was a woman at twelve, and she was Gretal, arrogant in who she was. She rolled her neck.

  Odessa, did he put his thing in you, or did he just beat youup? Did it ever dawn on you to stay out of his way? I was crying now, in confusion over how she knew what happened but didnt seem shocked.

  Gretal . . . My voice was hoarse, and I could barely talk through my gritted teeth. She put her hands on my shoulder and coaxed me like Mama, accusing and comforting, Im listnn, you can tell me anything.

  I started out defensive. I dont get in his way! I do stay out of his way! I wanted to stay in the house in case they called about Mama! He did this when I was sick too, when we were taking a nap, remember, in kindergarten? I knew I wasnt making sense to her anymore, but I wanted her to understand that I didnt do this on purpose.

  He put his hand and my Nakie in me, and Mama got mad. I remembered those days, how much I wanted Mama to love me, not treat me like something dirty. Gretal, I forgot all about it by the time we went to all-day kindergarten. I didnt let him do it again! Do you think I want to be all beat up? Do you think I want to get pregnant? I was trying to quiet my voice because I could hear Baby Jessie cooing at Daryl and Benson, and I didnt want them to get scared.