by Mercy Amare
“Whatever.” I put on my seatbelt and stare out the passenger side window as we drive home. Neither of us says a word the whole way there. He stops the car in front of my house. I unbuckle my seatbelt and start to get out.
“Wait,” he says before I get out. “I’m sorry. I’m just very confused right now. I went my whole life thinking I was an only child, and now I find out that I have a half-sister. Not that it really does any good, because our father is dead. I just need a few days to process this. I’m sorry that I took my anger out on you.”
“It’s okay. I understand, Stephan. But you really need to learn to talk to me if this relationship is going to work. You can’t shut me out.”
“I know.” He sighs. “You’re right. You are the most important thing in the world to me, and I want us to last.”
I bite my lip, considering his words. “The most important thing?” I echo his words.
“Yes. And I know we are young, but I’ve never felt so certain about anything in my life… You are the one, Scar.”
My heart jumps into overdrive once again. “Really?”
Okay, maybe it’s a little silly, but I need him to confirm his statement. I need to know that he doesn’t regret his words.
“Really.”
Please tell me you love me. I need to hear the words.
“How do you feel about me?” I fish for the words and hope that he bites.
“I feel like the luckiest guy on the face of the earth,” he starts. “How many other people find their soul mate at eighteen?”
“How do you know that I am?” I ask, still hoping he says the three magic words.
“I feel it,” he answers easily. “Do you feel it too?” He reaches out his hand, and traces the side of my arm. “The electricity between us is undeniable.” He then traces his way over my collarbone, and down a little bit. “We are meant to be together.”
“I feel it too,” I say, hoping that he moves his finger just a little farther down. But he doesn’t. “Stephan?”
“Yes?”
“Will you kiss me,” I ask, a little breathless.
“Yes, but I won’t in the front seat of my car. Can I walk you inside?”
I know exactly what he’s asking. But I can’t let him come inside, because if he does, I won’t be able to tell him no. And I can’t make love to somebody who isn’t in love with me.
“No.” I can hear the sadness in my voice. “But you can walk me to the door.”
He smiles, but I can see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes. I am sure that my own face mirrors his.
Love sucks.
Stephan and I get out of the car, and he holds my hand as he walks me to my front door.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to come inside. I do, more than anything. I just… can’t.”
He looks sad, and it breaks my heart. “I understand, Scarlett. I will wait until you’re ready.”
It’s just the opposite! I’m waiting on you! But I can’t tell him that.
Stephan kisses me on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight.” I walk inside my house and lean against my closed door. “I love you, Stephan,” I whisper and then slide down to the floor.My chest hurts. So I do the only thing I know how to… I write a song.
Thursday, October 30
6:06 AM
Stephan’s song
It’s after six in the morning, and I still haven’t gone to sleep, but I have a completed song. I take my acoustic guitar and run into Alec’s room. He’s still asleep, but I poke his face until he wakes up.
“ALEC! I WROTE A SONG! WAKE UP SO I CAN SING IT TO YOU!” I yell at him.
Payback is a bitch, unless you’re the one dishing it out.
He rolls over and attempts to sit up. “I’m up. Stop shouting.”
“I wrote a song. And I want your opinion,” I say. “I think it could be the song.”
He now looks awake and excited. “Let me go grab Bridgett! You can play it for us both.”
Five minutes later, we are all three sitting on Alec’s bed, and they watch me as I play the song. The song I wrote for Stephan. The song I wrote for me. I poured my heart and soul into the lyrics. They’re so personal, and I’m honestly scared to play it for them.
My heart is literally breaking as I sing the song. I thought writing it would make me feel better, but if anything, it makes me feel worse. My chest feels heavy. But I continue playing, and singing, because it’s what I do. I sing. I perform. I pour my heart and soul into my music.
After I’m finish singing, I look up at Bridgett who is crying. “That was beautiful, Scar.”
Alec nods his head in agreement. “We have a hit.”
“You need to call Stephan and tell him how you feel.”
“NO!” Alec yells. “First, let’s record the song. You can’t fake that kind of emotion. After you record the song, you can sing it for him. But we need to get this recorded right now! I’m going to call Otto.”
While Alec calls Otto, I grab a quick shower. As soon as I’m out, Alec is knocking on the door telling me to hurry. I throw my wet hair up into a bun and toss on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. The best part of going to the studio is I don’t have to dress up.
I grab my favorite guitar — my red, Gibson Les Paul, and we head toward the studio. Even after being awake all night, I’m still not tired. In fact, I feel exhilarated.
When we get there, I go right in and start recording. I lay down all the tracks without a hitch, and by 11 AM, my song is recorded.
No.
Not my song.
It’s Stephan’s song.
It feels good. I still can’t believe we got a perfect song recorded in less than six hours. It has to be some kind of record.
We head home while Otto mixes the track, and I head straight to bed and crash.
3:17 PM
Slutty zombie.
I wake up when I feel my bed move. I look at the clock to see that it is well after three PM, and I missed yet another day of school. I don’t have to look beside me to know that Stephan is there.
I roll over. “Hey,” I say groggily.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s okay.”
“I missed you at school today. When I came to get you this morning, nobody was here. I was worried,” he says.
“I am sorry that I made you worry, but I wrote a Grammy worthy song, or so says Otto, Bridgett, and Alec. I was forced to record it before it lost any magic, so Alec says.”
“Can I hear it?”
It’s Stephan’s simple question that makes me panic, and I have to ask myself: WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?
Oh my God, I just wrote an entire song about Stephan. I basically confessed my love to him.
Maybe he won’t know.
Of course he will know, I argue with myself.
Stephan is staring at me, waiting for my response. And for a moment I think, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Stephan knew how I felt. The truth is I am in love with him. I want to tell him every single day of my life.
But then I think back to how he reacts every time I say the L word. He always freaks out. I don’t want him to freak out. I want him to love me back. If he knew I wrote a song about my love for him, he would probably break my heart… Only Stephan doesn’t just have the ability to break it. He would shred it up, set it on fire, and spread the ashes in the deepest parts of the ocean. I would never be able to repair the damage.
That or he would tell me he loves me too.
I’m still not okay with the odds.
“No,” I finally say. It’s a simple answer.
He waits for an explanation. Well, too bad for him, he’s so not getting one. Ever. In fact, I am going to make sure he never, ever, EVER hears the song.
Ever.
Great. Now I’m singing Taylor Swift in my head.
“Why can’t I hear it?”
“Because the song is about you.”
Fuck. I am pr
etty sure I just said that out loud. I instantly slap my hands over my mouth.
“You wrote a song for me?” He is smiling. “Scarlett, I have to hear it. Nobody has ever written me a song before.”
“You can’t hear it. Ever. I’m serious. I didn’t really think about you hearing it when I recorded it. I wrote it to make myself feel better. And then it was six in the morning, and I hadn’t slept. So I played it for Alec and Bridge. Who told me it was awesome. And they made me record it before you heard it, ‘cause if you heard it, it would lose the feeling. But now that I recorded it, I wish I hadn’t. Because you can’t hear it, because you will spread the ashes of my heart in the deepest parts of the ocean and I will NEVER heal from that.”
He thinks about what I just said. He’s probably trying to process it. In fact, I’m still trying to process what I just said.
Caffeine. I need caffeine.
“Why wouldn’t I like the song?” he asks.
I sigh. “How about we drop it for now. You will eventually hear the song, but until then, I’d like to enjoy the time we have together.”
“Did you write me a break up song?”
“NO! Oh my God, never.” I laugh. “It’s quite the opposite really. Which is why I know that you will HATE it.”
Stephan sighs. “Scarlett Ryan, you are the weirdest person that I have ever met.”
“Good weird or bad weird?” I bite my lip while I wait for his response.
“I will have to get back to you on that one,” he jokes. “So, when do I get to hear the song that will make me spread the ashes of your heart in the deepest parts of the ocean?”
“I’m thinking never.” I pause, and then nod my head. “Yep, never is the perfect time.”
“You know that I’ll hear it eventually.”
“When you do, could you just pretend you didn’t? That way things won’t be weird between us.”
“Things are already weird between us, Scarlett.” He laughs.
“I will admit that this is possibly the weirdest conversation that we’ve ever had.”
“I’m so glad we cleared that up.”
“Me too,” I agree with a laugh.
After I get up, Stephan informs me that we are going shopping for Halloween costumes. Thankfully the filming crew has the night off, so it’s just us two. Alone. Finally.
“So when is Barry sending your contract?” Stephan asks me, as we look through the superhero section.
“Tomorrow or Saturday,” I answer. “But the rest of today will be spent talking about normal, non-music business stuff.”
“Okay,” he agrees.
“So how was school today? Was it weird seeing Mona?”
He shakes his head. “No way. If we aren’t talking about the music business, than we are definitely not going to talk about her.”
“I guess that is fair.”
He pulls out a costume. “I could be Iron Man.”
I crinkle my nose. “No way. Thor is way cooler of a superhero.”
“He’s not a superhero. He’s a god. There is a difference,” Stephan quickly replies.
“Whatever. I really don’t care. He’s a mythical creature either way. He can be whoever the fuck I want him to be.” I shake my head.
“What are you going as?” Stephan asks.
“Who cares?” I laugh and decide to quote Mean Girls. “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” I pause then say, “I was thinking slutty zombie.”
“I think I’m going to like your costume,” Stephan says quickly. “And I will totally let you bite me.”
“Only you could think about sex during the zombie apocalypse,” I joke.
“Well somebody is going to have to repopulate the earth. It’s a rough job, but I think I’m up for the challenge.” He puts his arm around my shoulder and starts walking me to the door. “In fact, we better get started now.”
I remove his arm from around my shoulder. “Right. You get started without me. I’m just going to grab my costume.”
Friday, October 31
7:26 AM
An un-dead, dead person.
It’s officially Halloween. Which means I have to get up twice as early to fix my zombie makeup.
I ended up buying a black tutu, red fishnet stockings, and a white tank top. I splashed red food coloring on my tank top, and ripped holes in the tutu and tank. Bridgett volunteered to wake up early to do my zombie make up. She said she used to do the make up for her drama class in high school, and had done her “fair share” of zombies. So I trust her to make me look like an un-dead, dead person.
After my makeup is dry, I put on my four-inch black stilettos.
“How do you walk in shoes like that every day? I would break my ankle if I tried.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve just always worn them, even when I was performing on stage. Heels make me feel confident.”
“I don’t get it. They’re just shoes.”
“I know. It’s silly. But they make me taller, my posture is better, and they make my butt look amazing. Maybe it’s the way other people look at me when I wearthem.” I try to make her understand. “I guess the easiest way to explain it is like this… I haven’t always had confidence. So, Stacy told me to fake it. She said the longer you fake it, the more natural it feels. Once day you will realize that you’re not faking anymore. The heels just help remind me that I am one fucking awesome bitch.”
Bridgett nods. “I had a teacher tell me that once… She said to look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself ‘I’m beautiful’. After a little while, you’re supposed to start believing it. I tried it. It didn’t work.”
“Well, you’re crazy not to believe it. Because you are beautiful.”
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. You’re the beautiful twin. I’m the nerdy twin.”
“Bridgett, we are identical. Most people can’t tell us apart,” I shake my head at her. “The only reason why you think I’m more beautiful is because I have confidence. I’m telling you, if you had confidence, between me and you, we could take over the world.”
She smiles, and for once I think she actually understands what I’m saying.
“So, who are you going to be for Halloween?”
“I’m not,” she says. “We aren’t going anywhere, so what’s the point? At least you get to dress up for school.”
“Sometimes it’s fun to dress up for no reason at all,” I shrug.
The doorbell rings, and I know Stephan is going to be waiting downstairs. I’m surprised he actually rang the bell today.
“How do I look?” I ask Bridgett.
She looks at me. “Like a slutty zombie.”
“That was exactly the look I was going for! If you change your mind about the costume, I bought an extra outfit for you. It’s sitting on your bathroom counter.”
“I won’t,” she promises.
As I walk into the hallway to head downstairs, I see Alec coming out of his room. He lets out an extremely girly scream when he sees me.
“You scared the shit out of me,” he says. “No offense, but if you really were a zombie, I’d kill you.”
I laugh. “Hey, see if you can talk Bridgett into dressing up for Halloween. I bought her the same costume as me. She needs to do something fun. Oh, Mona’s having a party tonight. You two should go.”
“Are you going to come?” he asks.
“Nope,” I say as I head down the stairs. “Stephan and I are going to go trick or treating with Anna.”
“You guys are boring!” Alec yells after me.
I just laugh, and make my way to the front door. When I open the door though, it isn’t Stephan standing on the other side. It’s my dad.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask him. About that time, the documentary crew pulls up, and runs toward us. I guess they don’t want to miss this.
“Am I not allowed to visit my only daughter? And why are you dressed like a corpse?�
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I roll my eyes at his comment. “I am not your only daughter, and you fucking know it.”
“For all we know, Stacy is dead,” he says. “And why is every other word out of your mouth the F-word? Have you been hanging out with Alec again?”
“Stacy is very much alive, and so is your granddaughter.” I cross my arms over my chest. “You have some nerve coming here. You’re not invited, and I want you to leave.”
Alec and Bridgett both come downstairs when they hear me yelling, and my dad looks between Bridgett and me.
“How?”
“Does how really matter? And you fucking knew. How could you take me, and leave her?” I ask, and then shake my head. “It doesn’t even matter now. You and Mom are monsters, and I’m glad she didn’t have to grow up with you two as her parents.”
“I made you who you are!”
“No. You controlled me, manipulated me, lied to me, and used me for your own personal gain. I’m just sorry that it took me so long to tell you to fuck off.”
“Scarlett, we can work this out.”
Stephan walks up behind my dad. Seeing him makes me feel one hundred times better. His zombie make-up is awesome, so I know his mom must have done it.
“No, we can’t. Now please move so my boyfriend can come inside,” I demand.
He moves out of the way, and Stephan walks inside. “Seriously? This is your boyfriend?”
“Yes! Not that it’s any of your business.”
“You’re ruining your career. That is my business.”
“No it isn’t!” Ugh, does he ever give up? “I fired you, remember. Bridgett is my new manager. You’re cut out of my life forever. I don’t want to see you. Ever again.”
“You can’t be serious,” he says, angrily. “I’m your father. You can’t just fire me!”
“I can, and I did. Now leave before I call the cops.”
He stands there for a few seconds, but when he sees that I’m serious, he turns to walk away. “Goodbye, Scarlett. Don’t call me when your life is in ruins, your career is over, and you’re broke, because I won’t give a shit.”
“You never did.” I slam the door and let out a frustrated scream. Seconds later the door opens again, and Peter and the rest of the camera crew walks inside the house.