by Etzoli
I didn’t have anyone to accompany me, but I tried to give everything I had to that performance anyway. I wanted to give Sara every bit of comfort Ruvalei gave me, on those dark early nights in the forest, long before I’d understood where I was and what was going on, when I was still a stranger in a truly strange, foreign land.
The lullaby was the story of a young girl who’d lost her way. She’d wandered away into the forests and tripped, falling into a copse of trees she didn’t recognize. She cried out for her family and friends, but nobody answered. She was alone, and she was frightened, so she prayed to the stars for help.
The stars didn’t answer her of course, because the stars have no voice, but the girl suddenly remembered that she was still in her own forest. She searched for a trail, and soon found her way to another suunsyl . The Sylves there were kind and friendly, and welcomed her as a wanderer to be fed and sheltered. They sent a message to the girl’s family, and soon she was on her way home again, where her mother and father and her elder brother were all anxiously awaiting her return. They were reunited, and they were happy again, and the girl felt safe once more.
Cheesy, simple story, but what did I care? It was the first thing that came to mind, and it had a happy ending, and it wasn’t like Sara could understand a single word of it anyway, so what the fuck do you want from me?
I was going to sing to her forever, if she wanted me to. Her hand never let go, and her head slid down until her eyes were buried in my lap, still softly crying. I kept singing, as I looked up at the sliver of moon in the sky, and the unfamiliar stars that dotted the whole universe around it. I still couldn’t find Tethevallen’s star, and I knew that I would never see it on this world—and that was something I could no longer accept.
I felt peace. My mind was finally settled. I’d made my decision, and not in a clap of thunder, but in this quiet place, with my best friend holding onto me like a life raft. Everything was finally calm. I wasn’t scared anymore.
I was going home.
***
I went through three or four more songs before Sara finally sat up again. Please don’t ever tell her this, but to be honest, the last song I picked was pretty… well, let’s just say it’s not for kids. Horribly inappropriate, but it has a nice tune, and I couldn’t think of anything else.
I finally let go of her hand so she could wipe at her eyes. “Now, why don’t you ever do that in English?” she choked out, trying to force a smile while still brushing away tears.
“‘Cause your language sucks,” I grinned.
Her expression softened. “It was beautiful.”
“… Vannen. ” My cheeks flared up in embarrassment.
She smiled again. I liked seeing her smile. Anything was better than what we’d gone through only minutes earlier, even though it felt like it was hours and hours ago.
“Are you okay?”
“Shh. Don’t worry about me,” I said. “We’re still on you.”
“Jen—”
I raised my hand to cut her off. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not though,” she said. Her voice was getting stronger. Not harsher, though. Just more confident. More like the Sara I know and love. “Jen, I know you went through a lot, but what you just did back there… that was… something else.”
I shook my head. “It wasn’t, though.”
“Huh?”
I sighed. “It wasn’t something else. It was me. That’s me, now.”
“You mean—”
“I had to fight people. Lots of people. Most of them were bigger and stronger than me. Stronger than him, too. I had magic on my side, sometimes, but most of the time? It was just me and the other guy, and I knew I had to come out on top.”
“But—” she started in again, but I interrupted her. I had to say it all. I couldn’t stop now.
“I fought to win. I had to get out of that place, and for a really long time, I believed the only way I could was if I never lost. So I decided I wasn’t gonna lose. And that meant, as I kept fighting, as I… progressed, I had to face a choice.”
She didn’t catch on yet, but it didn’t matter. I’d already decided it was time to confess everything. Lay it out, so Sara knew what I was, and why I couldn’t stay in this world anymore. “It was always gonna be them or me. I chose me, so I was the only one who walked away.”
“I don’t—”
“I killed, Sara.” My voice choked up a little, but I kept talking. “They didn’t deserve it, but I still killed.” Tears were starting to drop from my eyes now. I brushed them away. “All of them. And if I’d just waited. Just a few more days, we might have all lived. But I killed them, because I thought if I didn’t, they’d kill me.”
So that’s why I just stabbed your dad. So… you know, you can hate me now. I understand.
“Oh… Oh god…” It was her turn to pull me in to a hug, to my surprise.
“Sorry,” I added, slightly muffled. “My timing really sucks here.”
She shook her head, brushing against my shoulder. “You’re okay.”
Sara, you really are the perfect best friend. Thank the stars for you.
“I am?” she asked.
I gulped aloud. “ Vack , did I say that out loud?”
“Perfect best friend, huh?” She smiled.
I didn’t respond. I just enjoyed the embrace, the first of its kind since we came back that I didn’t feel compelled to break out of. I actually felt comfortable. For the first time, in a long time, I felt real human contact and I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t threatened. I felt safe again. Finally .
How could I give her up?
I couldn’t live on Earth anymore. I knew that for certain. I didn’t belong in the clean suburbs. I had changed too much to ever live here safely anymore. I belonged back in the trees and the forest, with the suunsyl I knew and loved, and the people who’d come to accept me as their own. I belonged to that world and that era. Now that both doors had been flung wide, I knew which I needed to step through.
I had nothing tying me to this world anymore, except for Sara. This perfect human being, this paragon that deserved so much more than what life had handed her.
A lightning bolt would not have struck me as hard as the idea that formed in my head in that moment.
The rock specified three. There was no reason it had to be the same three.
Before I could stop myself, before I could think through the consequences or the problems in my idea, before a single new thought crossed my mind, I was already opening my mouth to speak.
“I found a way back.”
Chapter 16 — Matt
“You’ll never guess what I—”
“Just spit it out already.”
“Stokelson popped up at Westin’s place of work.”
“Wait, what?”
“We picked up a security tape from the store at their request after a theft report. Fast forwarded through it and saw this. Looks like some kind of confrontation.”
“Sound?”
“From a dirt-cheap convenience store security cam?”
“Okay, fine. Still, between this and Carl being essentially on the run, I think we have enough to bring him in properly.”
“So next time I see him-”
“We’re authorized to detain him. With force, if you have to.”
It was past midnight, and Jen still wasn’t home.
I couldn’t sit still. I was pacing the house anxiously. I had no idea where Carl might be either, and no idea where to start looking for either of them. I’d called Sara’s house, but no one picked up. Mom wasn’t home yet at least, so I didn’t have to explain that yet, but there wasn’t a chance I could even think about going to sleep, no matter how tired I already was.
There was constant hum to the real world. I’d noticed it the second I got back, but it seemed even more oppressive now. Whether it was the steady purr of the refrigerator, or the barely perceptible crackle of electricity in every direction, I felt surrounded by suppressed energy. I
t was like the world was ready to spring into action any second, a rubber band stretched taut and always on the verge of release. To my mind, that release could only spell disaster.
Shortly after Carl left the store, my closer showed up, and I got home without incident. Of course, without something even as mundane as work to keep me busy, I’d fallen right back into stewing through my own thoughts, re-examining every piece of our conversation in detail before it faded into memory.
Carl was crazy and desperate; that much was obvious. He’d gone over the line. He was going to do something, I had no doubt. I had to stop him, but what could I do?
The question was going to eat at me all night.
He mentioned a name. Daniel Whitman. I had to figured out who that was.
I went upstairs to my computer and booted it up. It hummed into life, adding yet another layer of sound pressing on my ears. Carl had built this computer for me; in fact, every single piece was a hand-me-down from his own machines. We’d never be able to afford a computer this nice. Now, I had to use his gift to stop him. The irony wasn’t lost on me.
It didn’t take too long to find a Daniel Whitman in the area. I might not be as good with computers or the internet as Carl, but it really wasn’t hard to search up a person’s name and location. Even so, Whitman didn’t have much info available publicly. I knew he was a real person, and he lived locally, but I couldn’t get anything else.
But Carl was obsessed with him. Either he had a lot more to go on than I did, or he was even more desperate than I’d thought.
Or both.
Should I call the police? Whitman might not actually be in any immediate danger. Who was I even supposed to call? I didn’t think nine-one-one was appropriate. This probably wasn’t urgent. Maybe the police had some kind of non-emergency tipline. Something to rein Carl in, get him back home safely.
The two detectives on our doorstep felt like it had happened weeks ago, even though it was only yesterday. The police made me uncomfortable, though I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like I had anything to hide, or that I’d done anything wrong—in this world, at least. Yet whenever I saw a police cruiser on the road, or a uniformed officer on the street, I instinctively fell into the most non-threatening, innocent stance I could muster. I had never interacted with them once until yesterday.
If I called them, was I tossing Carl to the wolves?
Or was I doing the right thing, putting a potentially dangerous man into the spotlight for the authorities to handle?
What if I did nothing?
The last option seemed ludicrous. When it popped into my head, I laughed aloud. I couldn’t do nothing. That’s what had started this whole mess. I went back to weighing my original options, but the idea kept lurking in the background, like a patient hunting cat. As I kept pacing, my mind overburdened by pressure, it prowled back to the forefront again and again.
I could just do nothing.
It went against my gut, but the idea was incredibly appealing. Why should I be forced to take responsibility for Carl’s actions? He was to blame, not me. I hadn’t asked for any of this, and now that I’d finally escaped, I was still paying the cost for actions I’d taken under wildly different circumstances. It wouldn’t be totally unreasonable to just wash my hands of the whole thing, and let Carl determine his own fate without my involvement.
I stumbled on the staircase as I walked down it for the sixth or seventh time. I clutched at the railing in a sudden panic. Doubt flooded back in. I wasn’t that cold, was I? The fact I’d even considered it scared me. Carl was my friend—or, well, he had been. I couldn’t just abandon him. If I was actually considering returning to Cyraveil, I had to at least consider whether or not to bring Carl along.
I was getting nowhere. I’d been through all of this before. I’d felt such conviction after we’d run into each other at the store, but now I had doubts.
Leave it to Jen to crash into my thoughts and scatter everything once again.
Just as I reached the bottom of the staircase, the door swung wide, and there she was. My sister, bag and quiver over her shoulder, leading Sara in by the hand.
“It’s a bit late,” I remarked, falling back into my role as an escape from my own confusion. I regretted the flippant tone instantly, though, as Jen shot me a dark look.
Something had gone wrong. Sara’s face was a mess, and she refused to meet my eyes. Jen looked seriously amped up. She was breathing fast, and her eyes darted around like she was checking the room for threats.
I stood very still, waiting for her to make the first move.
“Is Mom here?” jen asked. I shook my head. “Good. Sara, come on. Let’s get you to the couch, okay?” Her voice softened as she turned ot Sara. They walked into the living room. “Matt, could you go make something? Hot chocolate?”
“Sure.” I retreated into the kitchen gratefully, while Jen grabbed a blanket. She wrapped it around Sara’s shoulders and stayed close, still acting like a guardian for her friend.
I had no idea what was going on, but I could tell it was going to be an even longer night than I expected.
***
I took longer than I needed to make the hot chocolate. I could hear them murmuring in the next room, and I didn’t think it smart to intrude, as much as I wanted to. I wasn’t quite sure where I stood with Sara in this kind of situation. Yeah, I liked her, and we’d gone on one date, but that was hardly anything compared to this . I’d barely hung out with her even before we’d left—and since we’d got back, everything had been about Jen and Cyraveil, or Carl and my own fears. Maybe someday I’d be there for her like Jen, but definitely not tonight.
“What’s taking so long, Matt?” Jen called.
So maybe I’d misjudged it a bit. I quickly grabbed up the three mugs and brought them in, setting them on the coffee table. Sara and Jen were seated together on our small couch, so I took the chair opposite, trying to relax. Sara’s eyes were downcast and her face pale, but nobody seemed like they were in immediate danger. She sipped the drink gratefully while Jen and I shot each other significant looks.
I had no idea what Jen was trying to tell me silently. I don’t know if other siblings can do stuff like that, but Jen and I sure couldn’t. Especially not these days.
“Are you guys okay?” I asked. Before Jen could answer, her mouth already open and eyes narrowed, I raised my hand. “Sorry, that was a stupid question. What can I do?”
Jen shook her head. “Nothing right now. Sara’s probably spending the night though.”
I nodded. My mind immediately jumped to offering my bed up for her, but luckily I realized how that might get… misconstrued, before I brought it up. Jen saved me anyway by blowing away any other thoughts with her next sentence.
“More important though, Matt. I was out in the forest and I found a—well, a rock.”
I raised an eyebrow. “A rock?”
“Let me finish. It had Etoline carved into it. It showed me how we can go back.”
Like a rock through a window pane. My mind seemed to fall apart, twisting in painful, confused contortions. Even as I’d been agonizing over whether or not to tell her, Jen went and found out anyway. I wasn’t sure whether to be glad or worried about what came next.
“There’s a catch, though.”
“A catch?”
“Only three people.”
I wished more than anything that Sara weren’t in the room. At the same time, I realized why Jen had started this topic in front of us both. “You want it to be us three,” I said slowly.
“Well, I dunno,” she went on, and my mind skipped another beat. “I thought, maybe you didn’t want to come back. Maybe you were happier here.”
“So just you two?”
Jen looked confused. “No, it has to be three. I meant us and Carl.”
“Right. Of course.” I actually hadn’t known about that rule. All I’d known was where to go if I needed to go back. Apparently, I wouldn’t have gotten far without Jen either way.
She looked a bit suspicious, but didn’t bring it up. Instead, as she brought her hand up to her face, brushing away some hair from her eyes, I saw red. An all-too-familiar red.
I lurched forward, reaching for her arm. “Jen, what happened?”
“ La se masadalv. ” Jen pulled away, dodging my hand. “It’s nothing.”
“That’s blood.”
“Okay, yeah, it’s blood. I didn’t want to bring it up.”
“What happened?”
“Look, can we not do this right now?” Something in her voice, the weight of emotion crackling just under the surface, set me back. I forced myself to relax in my seat, waiting patiently. I wanted desperately to know what happened, but since neither of them seemed injured, I doubted I was going to get past Jen anytime soon.
I folded my arms and looked her directly in the eye. “Do I need to know anything?” I asked, as calmly as I could.
“No, you really don’t,” she snapped.
“Okay.”
It had the desired effect. Jen visibly calmed down a bit. I noticed that her right hand, the one I hadn’t been watching, was white-knuckled clutching Sara’s. Sara was still looking at the floor, and I had no idea what she might be feeling.
“Sara,” I started, and her head snapped upward. Even though I could tell she’d just been crying, her face was like a rock, utterly devoid of anything I could read.
“Hi, Matt,” she spoke, for the first time all night. “Sorry for crashing.” It was the weak, jovial tone of real despair, when you’re so depressed you have to treat everything like a bad joke so you don’t drag everyone else down with you.
“You’re always welcome here.”
“Thanks… but I guess we might not ever see it again?”
“You really want to go across?” I asked, surprised.
“Yes.” She said it so fiercely I was taken aback.
“…Why?”
“Because it has to be better than here,” she said simply. She sounded so certain. All doubt in my mind flew away. She’d go, heedless of anything I might say. I wasn’t going to get anywhere convincing her otherwise, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to either.