by Etzoli
I took out my phone and turned on some music. Anything to help me concentrate a bit more. Once again, I set pen to paper and tried to write. Something more reassuring this time, I hoped. Also, something Mom could actually read .
Mom,
You’re probably wondering why we’ve been acting so weird the last couple days. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to explain. Both of us really wanted to, but we just couldn’t. We’re not in any danger, we haven’t broken any laws or anything. But we’ve gotta go now, and we probably aren’t coming back. I wish you could come with us, but it’s just not possible.
We were always gonna move out though, right? And Matt’s coming with me, so there’s nothing to worry about. We’ll be okay. You taught us to take care of ourselves, so we’ve got that covered. We’re going somewhere far away though, and we might not ever be able to talk again. I swear though, if there’s ever a way to, you’ll be the first person I call.
There’s a lot I want to say, and I wish I had said it in person, but I just didn’t know—
Way too sappy. It didn’t feel like me . I crumpled it up and tossed it into the bin next to my desk, along with the first one. There was a slight amber lining to the curtains on my window, cast by the street light outside, and I watched as the shadow of a bug flitted across it like a gigantic monster. I’d seen something like that before, in the mountain crossing to Laodrannen—except this was actually a tiny beetle, not a real monster. I tried to compare the idea to my current situation, but I came up empty. Not everything ends up making for a cool symbolic comparison.
I leaned back once more, almost tipping over in my chair as I rubbed at my eyes. I was still really behind on sleep, though I’d been adjusting to it little by little. So long as I didn’t need to do anything super physical, I could deal with it. I was sure, somehow, that once I found my way home to my suunsyl , I’d sleep more peacefully than I ever had.
Speaking of sleeping peacefully, Sara was out like a light. I smiled at the sight of her wrapped up in my cheap dinosaur blanket, totally calm. After the events of the day, I was just glad she could actually get some sleep—that she felt safe and comfortable enough to let her guard down with me there. It said more about our friendship than any words ever could, and for someone as insecure and uncertain as me? That meant a lot .
The promise we’d made sprung back into my head. I let the chair slam on the floor as I leaned back in, grabbing another sheet of paper. It was the same thing as before, the same as agonizing over Sara. Why couldn’t I just say what I really meant? Why did I feel like I had to lie? Mom deserved to know. I wasn’t ever coming back. I’d tell her everything I could.
Thanks, Sara.
Hey Mom,
So, here’s the thing. This is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to you it’s the absolute truth. No jokes.
Matt and I went to another world. Through magic. Also, magic is real. Funny story, I can actually use it, too. Cool, right?
But seriously. It’s not all fun and games. People got hurt. People died. We fought in battles and almost died ourselves, plenty of times. I’m telling you this because you should know what we went through, and what we’re going back to.
Yeah, we went back. I’m sorry, but we had to. We were gone for over seven years, but because of magic time stuff, we came back exactly the same. Only… we weren’t the same. I don’t even know who I was anymore back here on Earth. Seven years is a really long time. Especially when you spent it with people who weren’t exactly human.
I’m not sure I’m exactly human anymore either. I’m probably gonna live way longer than you or anybody else, and I’m still kinda freaked out by that. I mean, I’m not gonna be alone, and it also means I never have to worry about getting sick or anything like that, but it’s still insane and hard to wrap my mind around. Kind of cool though, I guess. I dunno. Still figuring it out.
Look, you’re probably wondering what you did wrong. Or maybe you aren’t, hell if I know. I’ve never been a mom and I’m not sure I ever will be. But you didn’t do anything wrong. Trust me. You raised us better than you could know. Matt turned out to be amazing, seriously. You’d be proud of what he’s accomplished. He’s saved thousands of lives. Hundreds of thousands, actually. And now he’s going back, to make sure they stay saved. He’s a great guy, and a good brother. So, that’s one out of two, right?
Ha, ha, yeah, I know. Bad jokes.
Mom, Matt and I both agreed this was for the best. I hope you can understand that. Most important though, you can’t ever tell anyone where we went. Best case, people would think you were crazy. Worst case? They’d actually believe you. Do you know what people would do to get access to magic? Because I do. I’ve seen it first hand, and it can turn anyone into a monster. I lost friends that way.
I’m sorry to do this, but I also have to ask you to help me out with something. See, Matt and I aren’t going alone. Sara’s coming with us.
She asked me not to tell anyone about why, and I promised I wouldn’t. Just believe me, she’s better off getting the hell away from this world. Her disappearing isn’t gonna be so easy to hide like me and Matt though. It’s gonna be hard, but you need to protect her just like you did for us. Sara really needs this.
This is stupid and horrible and selfish and I’m sorry. I’m asking you for this when I’m running away without even saying goodbye. Well, this letter is a goodbye I guess, but you know what I mean. I’m so sorry, Mom.
I’ll miss you, and I’ll remember you forever, even if I end up living to be nine hundred and seven. If I ever find a way to send a message back, you’ll be the very first person I talk to. I promise.
I love you, Mom.
I’d started to cry towards the end of the letter, but I’d already decided it was what I needed to write. I had to take a break a few times to make sure I was spelling things correctly, and painstakingly made sure the handwriting was good enough. I didn’t want it to look terrible, if this was the last thing I could ever tell her. I’d made up my mind halfway through that I couldn’t face her. Maybe that was cowardly, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t say goodbye in person. Hate me for it if you want.
At the bottom, I signed my name twice. Once in Etoline, once in English, as close as I could get to the original pronunciation.
Jennifer velae nara ralaev sel demovi .
Jennifer from the dale of silver.
It was the full name that had only ever been spoken twice; once by Tethevallen when I’d asked him about names, and once by Valen Syldarei in the ceremony to adopt me into the suunval . It was super literal and awkward, and way too long, but I treasured it like nothing else. It was a part of me as much as anything else. It was the proof I’d found a place I belonged and people I belonged with.
I began to roll up the paper, then I remembered I didn’t actually need to tie it to a squirrel’s leg this time. I dug through my desk to find an envelope instead. I found a few, but they were either too glitzy and covered in sparkles, or just rumpled up and messy. Stupid. I glanced over at Sara, still fast asleep, and grinned. She’d laugh at me for this, insisting I find the perfect envelope for my running-away-from-home letter.
I took the letter downstairs to hunt for an envelope—or anything, really, that I could seal it in. I wasn’t that picky. I just needed to know it’d be safe, it’d be noticed, and she’d read it in the morning. Long after we’d left.
How the hell could Sara be snoozing right now, anyway? Even if I didn’t have so much trouble getting to sleep lately, the anticipation in my stomach was overwhelming. Maybe it was because I was the one who actually had to move us across the planes, but I couldn’t keep still for the life of me. I felt like something momentous was about to happen, and I still wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing—only that it couldn’t get any worse than staying here.
It was just as soon as I sealed the letter in a plain white envelope, with Mom scrawled on the front, that I heard my cell phone ring. To call the impression I got as ‘fateful
’ was a huge understatement. My cell phone ringing at two in the morning, on this night? It had to be something earth-shattering.
I picked it up. I didn’t recognize the number. Who the hell would be calling me right now? Did I usually have late night chats with friends? I couldn’t remember, but I doubted it. If there was anyone I could see myself talking to way past midnight, it was the best friend fast sleep in my bed upstairs.
I flipped open the phone and raised it to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Jen?” His voice shook and trembled.
“Carl? What the—”
“I need your help.”
***
I shook Sara awake, and gave her the briefest explanation I could about where I was going and how long it would take. She gave me a sleepy nod and fell right back into bed. I left her a note on my desk, just in case, but I planned to be back before she woke up again.
I grabbed my bike and bolted into the night, pedaling desperately through the rain toward the police station. Carl’s words were still ringing in my ears. They planned to take him away? Shut him up in some insane psych ward or something?
What the hell was going on?
Was this where Matt ran off to? Maybe he was there already. Yeah, that had to be it. Matt was there, trying to figure out a way to get Carl free. I just had to show up too. Lend my support, vouch for him or something. I had no idea what I could do, but with the way Carl sounded on the phone, I couldn’t just stay home .
I was pretty unsteady on the bike at first, but it came back quickly enough. The streets were utterly deserted, and I booked my way through intersections ignoring the lights entirely. Street lamps flashed above me in a hazy blur of rain as I practically flew over the asphalt. I felt like I was going a million miles an hour—and it still wasn’t fast enough.
I didn’t see a single car the whole way there. It was so quiet out, just the faint trickle of rain. Even the world seemed to be anticipating what came next. I didn’t know what to expect when I got there. Carl hadn’t been specific. All he asked was that I came, quickly, before they took him away.
And that he was afraid.
To hear Carl— Carl , of all people, admit he was afraid sent real shivers down my spine, my back, my arms and legs. Whatever part of me, pick it, I was terrified. Carl was too stubborn to ever voice fear aloud, yet I’d heard it, even through the hiss and crackle of my own crappy cell phone. He was really scared, and he was desperate. I had no choice but to rush down there.
Ever been to a police station at night? There’s a really weird feeling to them when the sun’s gone. I mean, I’d never really visited one before, but I’d seen enough TV to have a vague idea what to expect. I didn’t trust the cop shows to be accurate or anything, but I figured they had to have some bits of truth, right?
Well, here’s the thing: at night time, you’re now dealing with the cops who really don’t want to be bothered with, even more than usual. Especially if they don’t usually take that shift. Everything about the place just seemed hostile. I noticed it the moment I set my bike in the rack outside, as an officer heading out gave me a glare like I’d just kicked his dog or something. I tried to look as innocent and unthreatening as I could, and I walked in the door.
And promptly ran right into Matt.
Well, that explained for sure where he’d run off to earlier. If he’d hurried out to talk to Carl, he’d probably been in the same panicky rush I’d just blitzed through. Not that Matt looked panicked in the slightest, but still.
Wait… what the hell am I thinking? If Matt’s here, and he’s leaving, then why would Carl call m—
Oh.
Oh stars , no.
“Jen?” he asked, sounding perfectly calm.
It was all so wrong.
“Matt, why—”
He held a finger to his mouth, and beckoned me into a small waiting area outside the main office of the station. I saw groups of abandoned desks inside, under dimmed hanging lamps, and a single bright room spilling light out from the opposite end of the building. As my eyes adjusted, I could see the door cracked open just slightly, leading into what was unmistakably an interrogation room.
I followed Matt into our little corner, under the lazy watch of the officer on duty at the front desk. He returned to his newspaper a few moments later, without much interest, which gave us enough privacy to talk. As soon as we sat down in the uncomfortable chairs in the very corner, Matt finally took the finger away from his mouth.
I was all too eager to break the silence. “What the hell is going on?” I whispered.
“I was going to ask you the same question,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Why are you here?”
“Carl called me. To come help.”
Matt shook his head. “He really shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why the fuck not, Matt?” I struggled to keep my voice low. “He’s our friend, isn’t he?”
“Look where we are!” he hissed. “Carl’s way over the line. He attacked someone.”
Carl did what now? “…Who?”
“I don’t know. Some guy. Daniel Whitman. I have no idea who he is. What about you?”
I shook my head. “I’ve never heard of him.”
“Apparently, Carl beat him half to death. The guy’s in the hospital. They’re talking about sending Carl away.”
“Jail?”
“Psychiatric care.”
I shuddered. The idea of getting locked up in a padded white cell sprung to mind. I knew Carl would hate that just as much as me.
“Look, I know how that sounds—” Matt started.
I shook my head to cut him off. I definitely didn’t need any more images in my head. I needed to take action. “What are we going to do?”
Matt sighed, and I saw a look in his eyes I hadn’t seen in a long while. A soul-crushing burden, lurking in the darkness of his gaze, my brother carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders once again. He was making a terrible decision right before my eyes, where he felt like he had no good options, only better or worse.
He was about to choose wrong. I knew, before he said it, what he’d decided. I hated him already, for words that hadn’t even crossed his lips.
“ Vack dou, ” I snarled. I almost stood up right then, but his hand clamped down on my shoulder. He forced me back down, to sit still and listen. I struggled for a moment, before I remembered that starting a scene wouldn’t help Carl any more. I let him talk, though my head pounded and my blood boiled with fury.
“We can’t help him, Jen. No matter what we could say, Carl almost killed the guy, with his bare hands. He knew what to aim for to cause the most pain and damage. He’s done this before, we’ve both seen it. We have to deny everything. We barely even knew him as friends, and we never knew about anything like this.”
“But—”
Matt’s calm, assured voice overrode any chance I had to speak up. “They’re going to take him away, and maybe that’s for the best. He’ll get some real help. He’s not going to prison, he’s going to a care facility where they’ll actually try to help him.”
Oh, stars , Matt, do you even believe what you’re saying? Is any of this shit coming out of your mouth the truth? Or do you want to abandon Carl just to save yourself?
Matt, are you ditching him so you can go back?
I felt my stomach churn. If I wasn’t actively forcing it back as I’d learned, I would have thrown up all over his shirt. There wasn’t much that could really make me vomit anymore, but this? This was disgusting. Horrible. Awful.
And I was going to let him get away with it.
I saw it coming. I was letting this happen. I heard Matt ask for some kind of confirmation, and I nodded. My face and hands went numb. I felt my mind contract in on itself, like I was retreating from the world again. I knew this feeling. I’d feared it ever returning. It was a survival instinct, a way to hide myself from my own actions.
Matt stood up, and offered his hand. I took it, though I couldn’t f
eel anything. My brother may as well have been made of ice for all his hand did to help me. I followed him back into the main room, where I waited silently as the door across the room opened.
I no longer had to ask. I understood why Matt was choosing to do this. I understood why I had to support him.
I still hated every single moment of it. Hated myself, hated him, hated everything.
Carl was a mess. His eyes were puffy and red from the tears, his hands bandaged and bloody. I could see a bruise sprouting on his face. He was handcuffed, with a personal guard that pushed him forward. Behind Carl, I saw the two detectives that had come to our house, and saw recognition flit across one of their faces as they spotted me.
Damn you to the ends of every earth, Matt.
Carl made his way across the room. The guard stepped away, as did Matt, allowing Carl and I a bit of privacy. Between the hum of fans and machinery, I was relatively certain we wouldn’t be overheard, but still, I wouldn’t dare risk anything.
“Hi, Jen,” he mumbled. I could barely hear his words.
“Hi.”
“Sorry you have to see me like this.” He gave me a weak smile.
“Could be worse,” I said. Was joking appropriate? How the hell should I know? What do you say to a friend you’re probably seeing for the last time, when you’re lying to him and about to throw him to the wolves while you run for your own life?
“Jen, you’ve gotta tell them.”
“Tell them what?”
“Everything. What we went through. Who we are. It’s the only way to explain… what I did.”
“Oh, Carl…” I whispered.
“I know. I have to go away. But I’m not crazy. We’re not crazy. You gotta explain that.”
I shook my head, and I knew it was a blow right to his heart. His knees buckled, his eyes widened.
“Jen, please. I can’t be taken away. I’d never see you again.” Carl’s voice rose in pitch, breaking out when we’d been barely above a whisper until now.