There are a million things I could say right now. “I was going to tell you.” Slips out and that’s when Luca takes a step away from me and I feel like I could truly just deflate into a puddle of nothing onto the floor.
“I’d like some time alone with Rowan.” Luca uses his big body to move Ethan to the door.
Ethan isn’t a short guy, he’s almost as tall as Luca but he doesn’t have the bulk and he doesn’t have the attitude, either. Luca wants alone time so Ethan must leave.
My stomach twists horribly.
Ethan shoots me a look over his shoulder just before Luca closes the door on him. The look mirrors what I’m feeling…regret…anger…sadness…and ohhhhhh crap.
“You were going to tell me?” Luca turns his back on the door and leans against it. I’ve never seen him like this. His shoulders are hunched, his eyes blast me with so much hurt that I want to go to him, hug him, tell him it’ll be okay.
But I can’t do that.
“I didn’t know…I mean…I should have known, but I didn’t know.” My thoughts swirl around, getting stuck at the very beginning when I wrote that first spell. “I should have said something when you got here. I should have told you as soon as I found out. That’s why I stopped—”
“You cast a love spell on me?” It should be an outrageous, impossible question, or one that makes us laugh, but it isn’t funny and it’s not impossible, we both know that.
“I didn’t mean to.” My voice sounds whiny. “I wrote one as a joke, not serious. I didn’t use your name or anything. I wasn’t even thinking about you when I wrote it but I was thinking about a perfect guy. A guy that maybe is too perfect.” I try for a smile but fail miserably. “Abby said that has to be why you started talking to me.”
He frowns. “I started talking to you because I’ve seen you around and then I found out I was doing a job in your house and here you were.”
“Yeah but maybe you wouldn’t have liked me…” My words trail off…my stomach hurts so much…or is that my heart? Am I dying? Will my heart just break and fall apart, never to work properly again?
I suck in a breath, then let it out. “I imagined a guy who had all the features of a perfect boyfriend. Cool, funny, sexy, kind. Someone who would take an interest in me just as I am. Someone who would hold me, cherish me. Know what I need when I need it.” I gulp, watching for a reaction, any reaction.
Luca’s eyes narrow. “That’s the spell you wrote?”
“I didn’t write it out like that, but that’s what I was thinking just before I wrote it. I’ve since learned that it isn’t about the words, it’s about the intention. It’s what I wanted and so it happened. But I didn’t know that’s what happened. I mean I thought you really liked me for who I am.”
“I guess we’ll never know.” He closes his eyes, screws up his face, and swears under his breath. Then he opens them again and the look he gives me is full of regret. “Sorry, that wasn’t what I meant.”
“Well, you’re wrong. I’m going to reverse the love spells I cast. All of them. So we’ll know because if it is a spell, your feelings for me will change the second I do.” I move to the kitchen. I feel so horrible. I’ve screwed everything up. I don’t know if he’ll follow me or if he’ll just leave but I can’t stand there in the hallway for another second. Coming into the kitchen isn’t exactly a great choice, either, though, because I see the pizza box and my mind goes to how thoughtful he is and how much different this night would have been if I’d gone to his house instead…
“Maybe you shouldn’t.”
Those are the words I so badly want to hear from him. He’s right behind me. I can feel him hovering at my back. I want him to touch me.
Sadness hits me like a tsunami. I turn around, somehow, to face him. “I have to.”
“I don’t think what we have is a spell. I wanted to talk to you for months, I just couldn’t.” He reaches for me then, pulls me into his arms.
I don’t fight it. I just put my head against his chest. This is exactly what I want to happen. For him to say there’s got to be another explanation. That what we have is real. That’s how I know it’s all because of a spell. This is just too perfect. Like every other part of our relationship.
“The spell makes you do things you couldn’t do before.”
He runs his fingers through my hair. I hear his heartbeat and his breathing and I inhale his smell and I don’t want to leave. “No, Rowan, I was with Shelley before, and then I got hurt. Your love spell didn’t give me a concussion did it?”
A laugh slips out. “No.”
“And then I wasn’t going to take the scholarship, and me and Shelley broke up.” He runs his hand down my back. “Did your love spell do that?”
“No.”
“And then I saw you again and something just clicked and I knew we would be together, even though we’d never actually spoken—”
That’s when reality sets in for him. I feel him tense. His hand stops moving. He sucks in a breath. So do I.
As he lets it out, I do, too, then I move myself back, out of his embrace. He doesn’t stop me.
“I’m so sorry, Luca. I didn’t mean for it to happen like that. I didn’t write the spell thinking it would. I would never…” I gulp back the tears. “I would never force that on someone.”
And that’s when it clicks for me finally. I would never force that on someone. And yet I did…over and over again. I wrote spells so that other people could force a relationship. I wrote spells and did them on other people.
“I have to end them.”
Luca nods once. He looks at me, like really looks at me and his eyes are stormy and there’s sadness and disappointment there. Then he turns and walks away.
Tears start to fall. I hear the front door open and then close. I hear Luca start up his truck. The rumble of it makes me shiver as he pulls out of my driveway and leaves for good.
Even though my heart is broken, I go and get the book, then the candles and the sage. It’s time to get this done so that I can pack up the pieces of my fake relationship, put it all in a box, and grieve for what could have been but maybe was never meant to be.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I know that this is serious business. It feels serious. Unlike what I’ve been feeling up until this moment of casting spells, it also feels real.
I lay the book out flat and run my finger along the instructions.
I need to cast a magic circle with salt. It doesn’t say why. I grab the saltshaker from the counter and unscrew the top, then hesitate. How big does this circle have to be?
I pull out my phone and type “magic circle diameter.”
Well, apparently there’s something called a magic circle for Pilates and for mathematics. Who knew?
Nine feet. That’s what the Wiccan page I find next says. That’s a big circle. I’m going to have to move the table and get more salt. If my mom wakes up and finds me inside a salt circle she’s either going to have a heart attack or a celebration. It’s hard to know for sure which one. I’ve never seen her do anything within a circle of anything but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t.
Okay, big box of salt, from the pantry? Check. I shift the table to the back wall leaving me a fairly big space in front of the window. The moon is not quite full. It’s waning, just as Lillian said it would, which makes the shape of it a little wonky looking. Its rays are shining right on the spot I’m going to do this spell and that gives me a shiver.
Something wicked this way comes. I sigh. I’m seriously doing this.
I make the circle and leave one part of it open as the book instructs so that I can enter with all of my supplies, then I close it. The candles need to be set up in a star shape, what the book calls a pentagram. The candles have wide bases so that they sit upright without me having to do much to them. Now I need to light the sage to cleanse the area and myself. I do
n’t mind the smell of sage. Mom burns it every so often so this part seems familiar to me. I don’t know how to cleanse exactly, other than waving the burning sage around me. It leaves a trail of smoke and I have to hope that it’s doing what it’s supposed to be doing. I set the sage down behind the candles in the metal bowl I brought and let it smolder.
The house creaks in its usual nighttime ways, but I swear I can feel eyes on me. I keep looking behind me, expecting to see Mom there, but there’s no one. The hall light looks muted now that the sage smoke wafts through the kitchen and my eyes are a little itchy and the back of my throat is scratchy. I turn back to face the window and startle myself with my own reflection. If there were ever a time I looked like my mom, now is it. Sitting in a salt circle, surrounded by smoke, five candles at the ready and a big book of spells open in front of me. Yeah, totally my mom’s kid.
I sigh again. Time to do this.
I reread the last of the instructions. The reversal candles need to be lit between each couplet, one at a time. I need to keep reciting the spell until the candles have burned down to an inch and no more. I suck in a deep breath, close my eyes briefly, steel myself, and then flick the lighter.
“Here we go.”
I light the first candle. “By the light of the full moon, I close my circle none too soon.”
I light the second candle. “To all the powers that may be, I wish for you to look at me.”
I light the third candle. “Everything has gone astray, with spells going every way.”
I light the fourth candle. “Return my spells’ unintended shame, send them back from whence they came.”
I light the fifth candle. “Ensure all effects come to cease, in order to return the peace.”
The flames of the candles flicker the moment I say the last word.
Something moves in the window, a reflection of something. The hair on the back of my neck rises. I squint, straining my eyes to see what’s there. Someone is standing behind me, I can feel it but when I glance over my shoulder there’s only hazy smoke and shadows. I turn back to the window.
The shadow reflection is gone.
I gulp. Shake my head. For the first time in my life, I feel like there’s a presence here with me. A ghost, maybe. I want to call out to my mom and have her here with me but just as I’m thinking that, my nerves calm as if someone has placed a steadying hand on my shoulder.
It will all be okay. I must keep going.
The candles flicker more.
For this to work, the candles can’t go out until they’ve burned down.
I must keep going.
The candles all flicker again as if a breeze is set to blow them out. I gulp down what’s left of the eerie feeling I have and I start the spell again.
“By the light of the full moon…”
…
It takes an hour for the candles to burn down to an inch. An hour of repeating the same words. An hour of watching the flickering flames. My mouth is dry. My body is stiff. My eyes burn. All I can smell is incense from the wax and lingering sage. I’m drained like I’ve just run a marathon, but I don’t feel any different. I mean, yes, my soul is crushed and I could cry for days over losing Luca, but I don’t feel like anything has happened. Then again, I didn’t feel anything special when I cast the love spells, either.
I check on Mom. She’s still sleeping but her color is better. She’s lost that paler-than-death look and her breathing is steady. It seems like she’s resting peacefully now. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking, though.
I should just stay home from school, get some sleep, and avoid the fall out that’s sure to come, but I don’t. Facing Mom and confessing what I’ve done seems like the worse option. So, I decide to avoid it for six hours and head to first period.
I don’t see anyone I know. I mean, not really. I see people I recognize from spells I wrote them and they look, well, tired, but who isn’t exhausted right now? The farther I walk down the hall, though, the more the oppressive weight of something being off settles over me.
There’s nothing obvious going on. No sobbing, heartbroken people wandering around like zombies. No public breakups happening, verbal or otherwise. But there is something hanging in the air, a heaviness, and it makes me think that the reversal spell did work.
I check my phone ten million times but it might as well be dead. There are no texts from anyone. I hover over Ethan’s name but hesitate. Will he even respond to me?
My math class is half empty. Ethan isn’t there, either. Amanda and Will are nowhere to be seen. My teacher is even absent.
I hadn’t realized just how many spells I’d written.
The phone in the classroom rings. The substitute teacher answers it, speaks for a minute then hangs up. “Rowan Marshall?”
She’s looking around the room.
I put my hand up.
“Oh, Rowan, you’re here, good. Ms. Black wants to see you in her classroom.”
I frown. I don’t have drama this term, or any term. What the…and then I remember…I wrote her a love spell, too.
I pack up my things and head to the drama class. What is she going to say to me? Did her spell stop working? Does she want another one? How do I tell a teacher what I did?
I don’t make it farther than the great hall, though, because that’s where everyone is. They’re all standing around. There’s a murmur of talking until they see me and then they turn all at once and my stomach pitches like my world is tilting.
“There she is!”
It’s a mob of heartbroken people. The heaviness in the air is oppressive. My heart is thundering and I look around to find a way to escape.
“You need to help us!”
“Abby said you can help us!”
“We need another spell!”
They’re all saying this. And they’re all coming toward me. There’s got to be sixty of them. I’m backing away, my hands raised.
They look desperate. They look angry. It won’t take much to turn this crowd into an angry mob.
If I run, I know they’ll chase me. I’ve got my back to a line of lockers. There’s a hall to my left and to my right. The doors going outside seem so far away.
“I’m not writing new spells,” I say as loud as I can, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “I can’t.”
A few people hear me. A ripple goes through the crowd.
“It’s not that she can’t. It’s that she won’t,” a loud voice shouts from the back.
My heart shatters when I realize it’s Ethan.
He pushes to the front with Abby at his side.
“You better write us new spells,” an angry senior shouts, taking a step closer to me.
Abby nods. Ethan has his arms crossed. I’m trapped. My back is against the wall of lockers. I have never felt so alone, or so terrified in my life.
It’s almost enough to make me write them all new spells.
But Ethan is right. “I won’t.” Writing new spells won’t ever become a good thing, no matter how much I want it to. It’ll never fix what people want it to fix.
“You’re so selfish,” Abby says with a snide smile on her lips. “You know you can make all of these people happy, but you’re keeping the spells for yourself.” She’s speaking to the crowd but her next words are just for me. “You know you messed things up for me with Mr. Tremmel, right? Him and Ms. Savey had a thing going on and now it’s over. He’s angry and refusing to even talk to me about my reference letter or the referral to the internship. You messed this up for my parents, too, and I hate you for that.” She turns back to face the crowd. “You know she used one so she could get Luca Russo, right?”
Another murmur goes through the crowd. I hear people saying awful things about me. Laughing that I would have to use a spell to get someone like Luca to date me.
It’s true. So true. I di
dn’t deserve a guy like Luca.
And then, as if just saying his name makes him appear, he’s next to me and relief rushes through me.
“What’s going on here?” He’s half in-half out of a classroom behind us. There’s a door there that I didn’t see. He looks as good as always, but he’s not happy to see me. There’s no welcoming smile. There’s no warmth in his eyes.
It’s really over.
Tears burn the back of my eyes and I’ve got this lump in my throat that is so big it might choke me and put me out of my misery.
“They want more spells,” I say, my voice trembling.
He scans the crowd. “I think you’ve done enough of that, don’t you?” Then wraps his hand around my arm and yanks me into the classroom, shutting the door behind us.
My heart races. Just his hand on my arm is enough to give my delusional heart hope that maybe he still likes me. Maybe it wasn’t a spell.
He’s standing so close to me, his eyes going over me. I wait for him to meet my gaze. I’m holding my breath. If he rescued me then maybe—
“You can get out through the door behind the lab stations.” He nods behind him.
I blink. Then shift my gaze over his shoulder. There’s a crowd in here, too. All guys who are looking a little put out by my being there. I don’t belong. Never really have.
“You better go before Mr. Fox comes back.”
“Luca…I…” But what can I say? “I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t respond. He just moves to the side so I can pass. “You better go before that crowd gets out of control.”
They sound out of control now. There are announcements being made, the principal is trying to redirect the mob of people. It’s all so awful. This is all my fault.
“Thanks,” I whisper as I move past him. The guys in the class are all watching me. I feel their eyes on me as I quickly move to the back of the room. Luca watches me, too. I glance back and his expression is different, softer, but only for a split second.
Love Spells and Other Disasters Page 23