by Jo Raven
I stop and grin wolfishly. An old lady passing by does a double take and hurries away, looking at me over her shoulder.
I snort. ‘Work,’ I type. ‘See you later?’
Another long pause. I don’t like these long pauses. I want to have her in my arms, kiss her, breathe her in.
I enter Damage, and I see Zane behind the desk. I lift my hand in greeting and he glances my way briefly, not giving any acknowledgment.
Weird. A slight pressure builds in my chest, and I rub it, wondering what’s going on.
“Hey,” I say, stepping behind the desk. “Zane. Welcome back.”
“Hey.” His voice is tight, not angry but… colorless. Neutral.
I want to ask if he’s okay, but he doesn’t seem to be in a talking mood. So I get to work and leave him in peace. I resist the urge to check my cell phone for a text from Erin every five minutes, though I cave in and check after ten.
No message.
I try not to read anything into it. Maybe she’s with those snotty brats she’s teaching Spanish. Maybe I should learn some Spanish, too.
And why would you wanna do that? that annoying tiny voice in my mind demands to know, and I flip it off.
Because Erin’s family speaks Spanish. Because she speaks Spanish. Do I need more reasons? Nope. End of internal discussion.
Finally, my cell beeps, and I grab it to see what Erin says. I have plans to take her out to a nice place to eat her favorite—Italian—and then take her to bed and make love to her, slow and patient until she begs me to let her come. And then again. And again.
‘Can’t make it tonight,’ her message reads. ‘Something came up.’
I drop the cell on the desk and rake my hands through my hair. The feeling of wrongness intensifies. What the hell’s going on tonight?
Calm down. I lift my cell and suck a deep breath. So what if I made plans? Something came up. She said so. Could be anything.
‘Anything I can help with?’ I type.
‘No. Thanks for offering!’
I stare at the words on the screen of my cell, my mind buzzing. I can’t shake the bad feeling in my gut, dammit.
‘Sure,’ I type and put the cell down carefully, before I throw it against the wall.
She’d tell me if there was something wrong, wouldn’t she? I told her everything about me, and she seemed okay with it all. She’d tell me if she didn’t want to be…
With me.
Did I ask her?
Wanna be with me? Be my girlfriend once more? Do you trust me not to run away, not to fuck this up again?
Goddammit.
I feel an intense stare on the back of my neck and turn to find Zane looking at me, his hands shoved in his pant pockets. His expression is no longer neutral. He looks… guilty.
What the fuck?
“You talking to Erin?” He lifts his chin, like a challenge.
I shrug, though my chest feels compressed. “Yeah, why?”
“You meeting with her tonight?”
“No. She says something came up.”
His brows draw together, and his forehead creases. He sucks on the barbell in his tongue. “I see.”
“You see? What the hell do you see?” Anger is building up like a storm waiting to break loose. I get up and stalk around the desk. “Say it.”
“I fucked up, man. I asked Erin to look out for you. I thought she was into you.” He reaches up and rubs the shaved side of his head. “Dammit.”
What is he talking about? The heat leeches out of me, and ice coats my insides. “I don’t understand.”
Zane shakes his head and walks into his booth. I follow him, about to launch myself at him, grab him by the collar, shake him and demand an explanation, because a sickening suspicion has taken hold of my mind and won’t let go—when I hear familiar voices behind me.
Ash and Audrey walk into Damage, discussing something. Their heads are down, bent together, and Audrey’s red curls tangle with Ash’s dark spikes.
“But Tess said Erin will bring him over to meet us. She seemed so excited about it.”
“The fuck she is. I’ll kick her teeth out.”
“Ash!” Audrey grabs his arm, and they stop as the door closes behind them. “If Erin loves Jax, then that’s her right.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not her fucking right to string my brother along, okay?” Ash clenches his fists and looks up.
He freezes.
I glance from him to Zane, who curses under his breath.
“Jax.” My voice sounds hollow in my ears. “Who’s Jax?”
Ash’s eyes are dark with anger. Audrey’s face is white.
But it’s Zane who speaks. “She’s been talking about him for years now. I’m sorry, fucker.”
The room tilts, and I shake my head to clear it. I need to get out. Need air. Grabbing my jacket from the desk, I shove past Ash and Audrey and stride out of Damage and into the cold.
***
The frigid air stings every bit of exposed skin as I speed down the road out of town. The night closes around me like a fist. A deeper darkness is expanding inside my head.
I tap my fingers on the handlebars—one, two, three.
And again.
Where am I heading? I have no fucking clue. I need out. I need to drive until the anger has left my system just enough to let me slow down. Cars and trucks zip by and I accelerate, my hands clenching on the handles.
It’s damn funny. No matter how fast I go, I can’t outrun my bad choices or catch up with the lost time.
Erin has Jax.
I have nothing.
My bike roars as I take a tight turn.
This can’t be happening. I was with her this morning. I kissed her, held her. Why wouldn’t she tell me the truth? Is this… is it payback for vanishing from her life before?
Erin wouldn’t do something like that. She wouldn’t.
But she’s with Jax. She’ll bring him over, so he can meet her friends. She talked about him for years. Years. How many times did you wonder who she ended up with? You thought she waited for you for so long? You thought you got lucky all of a sudden?
Well, you thought wrong.
The helmet’s too tight. I can’t breathe. I stop at the side of the road and pull it off. What am I doing? What should I do?
Fuck this.
I ram the helmet back on and return to the road. I still have some rage to burn. I ride as if the hounds of hell are running at my heels and have to wonder at my luck for not getting caught going well over the speed limit when the rest of my life keeps going to shit.
Have to love the irony of it.
A town flickers in the distance, and I head that way. It’s Rockford. I’ve been there a couple of times in the past. I can’t remember much, but there must be bars. Every town has bars. My luck can’t be that bad.
I roll through the streets, cross a bridge over the Rock River, and weave through the town until I find an open bar and park outside. I store my helmet in the tail case, pull my leather gloves off and march inside.
A tall female bartender with an impressive rack wanders over when I plant my ass on a stool and my hands on the bar. I ask for tequila. She pours me a shot, and I grab the bottle.
“Leave it,” I say.
She frowns and opens her mouth, probably to tell me to get lost, but then sighs and walks away.
I down the first shot of what promises to be a really fucking long night. I pour myself another. “To Jax,” I mutter and raise my glass in mock salute. “May you and Erin be happy together.”
Fuck, it hurts. It’s like there’s a goddamn knife stuck in my chest. I refill my glass and close my eyes as I down it.
Erin’s face flashes before me—her eyes bright, her smile wide, her gorgeous body naked and—
Who needs a glass? I gulp tequila from the bottle, feel it burn a path through my chest, through the echoing emptiness there.
I put the bottle down and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Fastest record of turni
ng from the best day of my life to the worst. A new high.
She said she loves me. And that makes it more difficult to bear. Why did she lead me on when she has someone else? Why did she sleep with me, kiss me, hug me, give me a glimpse of what I could have? It was so much easier when I had no hope and barely any memory of what real happiness felt like.
I want to stay angry at her, but I can’t. Propping my elbows on the bar, I grab fistfuls of my hair and tug. I can’t regret a single moment with her. I can’t blame her for choosing to be with someone normal. Someone who hasn’t left and hurt her.
I came back to Madison for Asher. And Asher is still there. I promised him I’d not leave again, and here I am, running.
Hell.
I push back and glance around me, at the half-empty bar. I’m supposed to be at Damage Control, working. Making sure Ash is fine. Trying to put myself back together.
Giving Erin the gift I bought her four years ago, the one I never got a chance to tell her about. It’s hers anyway, no matter what she does with it—or with me.
I love her, no matter what she decides to do. I want to see her, hear from her mouth she wants to be with another—and I’ll leave her be. I want her to be happy, even if it rips my heart out.
Throwing some money on the bar, I take my leave and turn my bike back the way I came.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Erin
The two-hour drive flies by. The whole way my mind is elsewhere—on Tyler and his reaction when he sees Jax.
I hope Dad has told Mom what I’m planning on doing. She’s resting in bed when I arrive, but her color is good, and she opens her arms for me.
I sit by her side on the bed and hug her. “Glad to see you looking better.”
“I am. You should stay the weekend. Rest, too. Eat with us.”
Mom is convinced that food outside her house has no nutrients in it. “Another time, Mami. I want Jax to meet my friends.”
“Why so suddenly?” Her dark eyes glow with mischief. “Is there someone in particular you want Jax to meet?”
Dad is looking at me from the door, and I smile at him, hoping he can rescue me. I can’t lie to Mom. She sees right through me.
Fortunately, he steps inside and clears his throat. “I think letting Jax have a few days with his mama is a good idea. And before you say it,” he raises his hands when Mom starts complaining, “it’s only a weekend, and the doctor said you should rest. I’ll take good care of you, Mami. Don’t you want to spend a weekend alone with your amazing husband, hmm?”
He waggles his brows, and Mom laughs. I stifle my laughter as I watch them. Their love shines bright, and naturally my thoughts turn to Tyler. He’s my magnetic north and everything I am reaches for him.
Soon. Soon I’ll know if he’ll take me, and Jax. Take us both.
Excitement and nerves make me slightly nauseous. Mom is of course concerned when I refuse to scarf down a huge plate of her creamy lasagna, but I just can’t stomach anything right now.
Dad whispers in her ear, and she smiles.
“What are you telling her?” I put my plate on her bedside table and pretend to glower at them. “What did you tell her?”
“Nothing important.” He grins.
“Traitor,” I mutter, but my mouth twitches. “Well, I guess I should be going.”
Jax is next door, playing with the neighbor’s kids. I hug my parents, give Mom stern instructions to rest and take her pills and go pick my boy up.
When I ring the bell, I can hear his voice mingled with those of the other kids. The neighbor, Nelly, opens the door, stares blankly at me for a long moment and then grins widely.
“Come on in, sweetie. Here for Jax, huh? We didn’t know you were coming.”
I smile and nod—and then crouch and open my arms as a cannonball with Jax’s face careens into me.
I pick him up and spin him around. “Jaxon.”
“Mommy.” He laughs delightedly, and his dark eyes sparkle like jewels.
“Would you like to come with Mommy this weekend?” I put him down and kneel to be his height. “I’ll cook for you, and you will see where Mommy lives and meet her friends.”
He nods, a bit cautiously, but still smiling.
My baby boy. I pick him up again and turn to thank Nelly. Then I bundle him up in his coat and hood and gloves and carry him to the car. As I strap him in the baby seat in the back, I kiss him soundly on his chubby cheek and inhale his sweet scent.
Let’s go find Daddy.
***
On the way, Jax is talking a thousand miles an hour, all of it questions—why I live in another town, why it’s called Madison, why I go to college and why I need a job. Why I have friends and why I want him to meet them, why it’s dark at night and cold in winter, why he has to sit in the back and why his car seat is blue—and then promptly falls asleep.
I glance at him in the rearview mirror from time to time. He’s so cute, with his head tilted to the side, his small mouth half open.
Tyler… Will he be happy to know he has one more person in this world to call his own — a tiny mirror of himself? I can’t help comparing the way they look—their dark locks, their chocolate eyes, their intense brows, their infectious grins.
I’m so nervous about this meeting, I think I might puke. I don’t want to play music, not to wake Jax, and I hum under my breath some tune I don’t even recognize. I think it might be from the movie Tyler brought me the other night.
It’s going to be fine. Tyler won’t run. Tessa’s right. I should have more faith in him now that I know why he left the first time.
By the time I roll into Madison, it’s almost ten, and I panic, thinking Damage will close before I get there. I really would like to have Zane around when Tyler sees Jax. Zane’s the most practical person I know, and he’s my friend. He can be a shoulder to cry on if it all goes south.
Yeah, I guess no matter how much faith I have in Tyler, you never know how one will react at the news—and presence—of a three-year-old son.
Doubt assails me again. Is this the mother of all stupid ideas? Should I have prepared Tyler first? Why the heck did I think that springing this on him would be best?
Oh God, why doesn’t real life have an ‘undo’ button like my computer? Reset to default settings. Turn back time.
But if I did, I wouldn’t have Jax. Tyler wouldn’t have returned to me.
Keep moving forward. It’s the only way.
I park outside Damage and breathe a sigh of relief when I see the lights are still on. Unbuckling my belt, I step out and go get Jax from the back seat. I unfasten the harness and pull him out, settling him on my hip.
“Mommy?” he says in his tiny, sleepy voice, and I kiss his hair.
“Let’s get inside, sweetie, where’s it warmer. I want you to meet someone.”
Jax blinks his dark eyes at me and glances around. I pull on his hood, lock the car and walk to the glass door. The chimes jingle overhead as I step through, into the warmth, and my gaze automatically goes to the desk.
On which Asher is sitting, his face stormy. Audrey stands next to him, her mouth downturned. Zane and Rafe are talking in low tones outside a booth, Zane stabbing his finger in the air for emphasis at regular intervals.
“Hey, guys,” I say, and all heads snap in my direction. “Where’s Tyler?”
“You.” Asher hops off the desk, his icy eyes boring into me. “Did you enjoy hurting my brother?”
“Hurting him?” I take a step back, the blood draining from my face. “Where is he?”
“He left on his bike hours ago, since you were going to be with Jax, after all.”
What the…? Jax stirs in my arms, but my hold on him tightens.
“Zane… You told him?” I whisper.
Zane’s eyes are flat. “I didn’t, though I was tempted. He overheard Audrey talking to Tessa on the phone.”
Crap. “Is he okay? Have you tried calling him?”
“He isn’t answering his phone.”
Zane pulls his cell from his back pocket, glances at it, shoves it back in. “He took it harder than I expected. Then again, I didn’t know you two had gotten closer while I was away.”
God.
“What’s your deal anyway?” Asher paces up and down. “Why not tell him you’re not interested?”
“And since when do you care about your brother getting hurt?” I ask before my mouth catches up with my brain.
A dark scowl settles over his face, and his hands fist.
“Ash…” Audrey steps in Asher’s path and slides her arms around him. “Stop.”
He does, surprisingly.
I suck in a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I say.
“Sorry.” He says it without inflection, which is even more chilling than his anger before.
I force my voice not to wobble, despite this mess. “Sorry for what I said. Sorry for being so awful to you, Asher. I was wrong, and—”
“Mommy,” Jax whispers plaintively and wraps his little arms around my neck. His hood is falling back, baring his wild dark curls.
“Mommy?” Zane echoes and strides across the room, stopping a few feet away from me. “Erin…”
Asher has paled and is crushing Audrey to him. Her green eyes are round like coins. Rafe is staring at me as if I’ve grown antennae, and Zane… his gaze is full of questions.
“Who is this little guy?” he asks softly.
I blow a wisp of hair out of my eyes and suck in a deep breath. “Everyone, this is Jax.”
***
“Look at him.” Audrey brushes a lock of dark hair off Jax’s forehead, a smile to her ears. “Isn’t he the cutest thing?”
Jax turns his face away, burying it in my shoulder.
“He’s a bit shy.” I rub his back.
Asher walks behind me, and Jax giggles. Asher laughs.
Beautiful sounds. Audrey joins Asher, and they laugh together.
“Okay, what are you doing behind my back?” I try to see, but Jax is in the way.
“He’s licking your shoulder,” Audrey helpfully explains.
I sigh. Typical.
Zane walks behind me, too, his eyes narrow. “He sort of reminds me of someone,” he mutters.
“All kids look the same to me,” Rafe says and sinks into one of the orange armchairs. He’s smiling, though. “Little hurricanes.”