by Gun Brooke
“I do. You know I have more money than I know what to do with. I give as much as I can to charity anyway, so why wouldn’t I—”
“Charity?” Aghast, Addison sat up, wiping furiously at her tears. “Can you hear yourself, Eleanor? Can you? So Stacey is a charity case now?”
“God, you’re infuriating. You don’t hear what I say—you hear what you think I say!” Eleanor’s voice was like an icicle piercing Addison’s skin and going straight into her heart.
“So you’re saying you didn’t lie about paying, about adding the guest room?”
The silence from the other end lasted for a few beats. “No. I don’t deny withholding that information from you.” Eleanor’s voice quivered now, and Addison realized to her shock that Eleanor was crying. “I was trying to be there for you, ease your burden so you could focus on Stacy. I don’t understand why you can’t see this.”
“Look, obviously I can’t make you understand what it feels like to be something or someone that needs fixing. Like that night in the hospital. You made love to me, or should I say, you helped me orgasm to relax me. You used sex as a way to calm me down and wouldn’t let me reciprocate. Because I needed fixing.” Crying openly now, Addison knocked over the box of Kleenex sitting on her nightstand. She reached for it and then suddenly found herself sitting on the floor.
“You couldn’t be more wrong. You’ve misconstrued and misunderstood everything I’ve said and done since that day Stacey became ill. I think you’re afraid of letting me in, or perhaps you don’t care for me as much as you thought. A passing fancy, as it were. Well, at least we know where we stand. Perhaps it was just as well we figured it out before we let this go too far.” Eleanor swallowed audibly. “I guess there’s nothing left to say on a personal note. We’ll have to see each other regarding the makeup brand, but I’ll make sure that’s kept to a minimum. I wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable at work.” She paused briefly and Addison tried to picture Eleanor, which was far too easy. No doubt she was standing with one hand on her hip, the other one holding the phone, staring out through a window as she tried to keep her anger at bay. “Good-bye, Addison.”
“Bye.”
She disconnected the call and curled up on the floor just as her door opened.
“Addie? Addie? What’s wrong? We heard the yelling all the way downstairs despite all the explosions in the movie. What’s going on?” Stacey knelt next to Addison and soon Maureen did the same.
“I’ll be okay.” The two girls sat there wide-eyed and she had no desire to explain. She just wanted to lie there and let the pain subside on its own.
“Don’t even try,” Stacey said, her eyes stormy. “You were yelling at someone at the top of your voice, and I bet that someone was Eleanor.”
“What—what makes you say that?” Addison blinked the tears away and sat up.
“Because you love her. It’s the only thing that makes sense. I’m home, doing tons better, your job is fabulous and pays well. The only missing piece is Eleanor. I haven’t seen her since the day after the surgery. You’ve had so many excuses when I’ve asked about her that it would’ve been funny if it wasn’t so damn sad. You two had a fight, didn’t you?” Cupping Addison’s cheek, Stacey ran her thumb over her cheekbone, wiping away more tears.
“I—yes, we had a falling out, you could say.”
“But you love her?” Stacy frowned. “You don’t see what I’m looking at right now, but sis, you look like you’ve lost everything.”
“Of course I haven’t. You’re here. That’s what’s most important.”
“I don’t think so. Yeah, well, of course it’s important that I’m alive and kicking, but right now, right here, I don’t think I’m all that matters. You need to fix this with Eleanor. She loves you back. The way she looks at you, it’s obvious. Didn’t we say so already when she was here that Friday evening, Maureen?”
“We did. She looked at you like she was trying to figure you out and like she adored you.” Maureen smiled carefully. “That’s worth fighting for, isn’t it?”
“She lied to me.”
“What?” Stacey looked startled. “What about?”
“Doesn’t matter. She made me feel like someone less…less capable, like I was someone you can’t count on. Like she assumed I couldn’t be trusted. Oh, damn, I can’t explain.”
“I don’t get it. Did she do something without you knowing about it? What?”
“Pretty much.”
“That’s bullshit. She admires you. She’s said so—many times. Eleanor thinks the world of you for being a single mother, practically, all these years. For you to raise a teenager and have your own company on top of that. She came to you because of your expertise, remember? You bring something to Face Exquisite that nobody else can. Or at least, not the exact way you can. Eleanor’s smart. She wouldn’t hand over the future of the company that means so much to her to someone she felt she had to hold by the hand the entire time.”
“But you don’t know all of it.” Addison refused to talk about their last night. “You just don’t.”
“And you won’t tell me, so how could I? I just know that when two people love each other against all odds, like you and Ellie do, you need to figure things out.” Stacey moved to sit to Addison’s left, leaning her back against the side of the bed. Maureen took up the spot on the right. “If you’re thinking about those days when that idiot from Children’s Protective Services kept harassing us, well, you just have to let that go. Eleanor isn’t out to prove that you’re incompetent. Why would she?” Stacy squeezed Addison’s arm. “You’ve got to get a grip here, sis, or you’ll lose the best thing that’s ever happened to you—if you don’t count me, of course.” She crinkled her nose, but her eyes were serious as she held Addison’s gaze. “You won’t forgive yourself if you don’t, Addie. I know you. You carry so much guilt around, and you sort of wear it like a shield.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Addison said, running her hands over her face.
“Yeah, you do. In some twisted way, you’ve always been weird about how Mom and Dad died. Like you take the blame for it or something. You’ve talked circles around it for years and never quite let me in.”
Stacey was right, of course. It was time. Nauseous, she forced her voice to not shake. “Because—because it was my fault they crashed.” The pain in Addison’s stomach erupted again, exacerbated by the agony already there because of Eleanor.
“That doesn’t make sense. You were here with me. You were on the phone—uh-oh. Don’t tell me they were yelling at each other again about something and you overheard. They did that all the time.”
“How can you possibly know what they did all the time?”
“Because I was nine, not two. I remember tons. I remember them yelling at you in particular, even if I didn’t understand why at the time. They were serious homophobes, especially Dad. I didn’t get that then, but I remember some of the words he threw around. I know what they mean now, and he was wrong.”
“Dad was shouting at me over the phone, Mom was nagging him for being on the cell while driving, and they were arguing, and then they screamed…and, and…” Addison relaxed against the bed and just surrendered to the truth of how she’d felt all these years. The relief of telling Stacey the truth was immense.
“And they found themselves on a stupid train track.” Stacey sobbed. “They had an accident because they were careless. Not only with their own lives, but they were careless with you. With your feelings. With your self-esteem. They made you feel less—”
Stacey stopped talking and looked back and forth between Addison and Maureen. “That’s it. That’s exactly it. Goddamn it, Addie, I get it now. Don’t you see? Whatever Eleanor did made you feel like before. Like Mom and Dad made you feel. Like you were less of a person. Tons of fools did the same thing when you were fighting the system to keep us together. Can’t you see what’s happened? Even if Eleanor was wrong or whatever, that’s not what she was trying to
do.” Stacey hugged Addison hard, sniffling against her shoulder.
“I don’t think Eleanor really meant that.” Maureen spoke quietly, her pale-blue eyes pensive. “I don’t think that at all. You have to make sure, Addie. If you don’t, you’ll always wonder.”
“Yeah, that’s my brilliant Maureen—and she’s damn near always right. Her IQ is freaking off the chart, did you know that?” Stacey grinned affectionately at her friend. “So, you need to talk to Eleanor again and make sure.”
“I think there’s no going back even if I wanted to. We said some pretty bad things to each other. She won’t ever want to talk to me again.”
“Not true. She loves you. If you give it a shot and just tell her the truth without yelling and stuff, you’ll at least know you gave it your best, your all. If it still doesn’t work, then you can heal and move on. You’re gutsy, sis. You can do it.”
“God, Stacey,” Addison whispered, and rested her head on her shoulder. “Who’s the mature guardian here?”
“I’d say I am, but we both know I’m very good at screwing up half the time. Listen, Eleanor made me believe I can really be something—someone—when we were on our break. She’s a great mentor. When it comes to you, she’s just figured out she’s all hot for a girl, I mean, a woman, and this in itself must be pretty big. Then the woman she has the hots for needs her help and support, and she only does what she knows best, takes over and overcompensates. Basically she doesn’t know any better.” Stacey shrugged. “Please give her a chance to get it right. I’ve never seen you so consumed by another person, Addie.”
Addison nodded slowly. It was excruciating to envision her life without Eleanor in it. Her pain when she felt disqualified as a guardian, as a person, was nothing compared to the torment at the idea of losing her completely. Eleanor had tried to reach out and make things right, but she had shot her down mercilessly.
What chance could she possibly stand now?
Chapter Twenty-two
Eleanor stepped inside her penthouse and just stood there in the hallway. She had never felt as cold, or as lonely, nor had her home seemed as desolate as it did now. Determined not to think about the cozy, unassuming house on that tree-lined street in Newark, she of course ended up doing just that. She certainly wasn’t going to think about the two young women living there.
Tossing her coat on the chair next to the dresser, she walked into her living room and over to the windows. She could see a huge part of Manhattan from here, and it glittered like the metropolitan jewel it was. The crisp, cold air made it possible to see even farther than usual, but not far enough. Not over to that house where her happiness had seemed to live. Oh, who was she kidding? Her happiness? She should have known such foolish hopes of love and something lasting a lifetime weren’t for her. Hadn’t enough employees and business associates cursed her enough times, not to mention her competition in the business world, to know that at least a few of those curses would have to take hold and stick to her like pins in a voodoo doll? Surely a few of those spell-casters had sold their souls to the devil and thus were well connected.
Eleanor snorted unhappily and continued into her bedroom and from there to her ensuite. She pushed off her clothes and let them lie where they dropped. More or less falling into the shower, she let the scorching-hot water hammer at her shoulders, but it didn’t help. Soon she was pressing her forehead to the Italian ceramic tiles, crying in deep, painful sobs. Images of Addison flickered through her mind—how she looked across the dinner table when kidding around with her sister. But mostly the haunting images showed how Addison looked when Eleanor had kissed her lips swollen.
Stumbling out of the shower, she tugged her silk robe on, not bothering to dry herself. She rubbed a towel against her hair, getting off enough water so it wouldn’t drip down her back. Untangling it with her hands, she didn’t take the time to comb it. She merely wanted to pop two of her sleeping pills and crawl into bed, forget about anything else, and preferably sleep the weekend away.
The last phone call sat in her brain much like a threatening aneurysm, ready to burst and make her crumble at any given time. The words they’d yelled at each other—accusing, horrible words—haunted her. Soon, of that she had no doubt, she wouldn’t be able to run from them any longer. They would pierce her everywhere and she would bleed out emotionally. There would never be another Addison in her life. Nobody would ever make her feel like that again. Addison had brought out the best in her, and yet she’d failed when it mattered. Her actions had turned Addison into a stranger—someone who clearly hated her. It was hopeless.
Eleanor opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the pill bottle. She was just about to open it when the intercom by the front door buzzed. Sighing impatiently, she hurried to the foyer and answered.
“Ms. Ashcroft, this is Matt.” Matt was the one of the doormen. “I have a young lady here to see you. Addison Garr.”
What? Clutching at the lapel of her robe, Eleanor closed her eyes. What could Addison possibly have to add after their screaming match earlier?
“Ma’am? You there?”
“I’m here, Matt.”
“I think you need to take care of this girl,” Matt said in a low, kind voice. “She’s clearly upset.”
Oh, God. Eleanor wasn’t sure she could handle more “upset.” Closing her eyes briefly, she breathed evenly through her nose. “Very well. Send her up.” She pressed the button again to close the call.
A minute later the doorbell rang. Tiptoeing back out into the foyer, Eleanor checked the peephole. It was Addison. Eleanor didn’t want to let her in, and she certainly wasn’t ready for another round. In so much pain she could hardly breathe, she flung the door open.
“Yes?” She was rigid enough to shatter if anyone even breathed on her.
“May I come inside?” Addison asked in a low, shaking voice. She looked pale, but had her chin courageously raised. “I promise I haven’t come to fight or even argue.”
“I don’t know what purpose this could possibly serve. I’m on my way to bed, and I’m sure you’re as tired as I am.” Speaking curtly, Eleanor allowed the Boardroom Barracuda to take the lead.
“I’m very tired, yes, but this can’t wait.”
“Well, it’s going to have to!” Suddenly raising her voice, Eleanor made them both flinch. This was a mistake. She wouldn’t be able to handle Addison being in her home after all.
“Please. Eleanor, I’m begging you.” Addison was shaking harder now, her face, void of makeup, as pale as it had been when Stacey was having her surgery. “Stacey went over to Maureen’s for a sleepover because this is so important. It’ll only take a few minutes, and if you still want nothing to do with me after that…I’ll go. I promise.”
A few torturous minutes. Her last minutes ever with Addison and then she’d be back to normal. Alone. Eleanor nodded stiffly and stepped aside. “Very well.”
Addison placed her tote bag on the floor and began unzipping her jacket. When she had it halfway off her arms, she stopped and looked at Eleanor with huge eyes. “Okay if I—”
“For God’s sake, take your jacket off.” Flinging her hands in the air, Eleanor padded into the living room. “I’m going to have a bourbon. What about you?”
“Nothing, thank you.” Addison sat down on the armchair angled next to the couch. She waited while Eleanor poured herself a drink and then sat down before opening her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
When Addison had attempted to speak twice without being able to make a sound, Eleanor was becoming concerned. Addison was plucking at the armrests, her eyes looking wild, her lips so tense they were whitening at the corners of her mouth.
“What did you want to say? Or need to say?” Eleanor kept her voice even. Sipping her drink, she felt it burn.
“Ellie.” Addison corrected herself. “Eleanor. I want to ask you for forgiveness. No matter whether you forgive me, I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.” Fat tears ran down her cheeks,
but it was as if Addison didn’t notice them. “I spoke to you in an unforgiveable way. I shouldn’t have second-guessed you that way or let my insecurities get the better of me. All I could think about was how brushed aside I felt in so many ways, and it all just took me back to when…when Stacey was little and the authorities kept trying to take her from me. When you sort of took over—or seemed to, at least—I…I couldn’t handle it. Not from you. It shattered me.” Addison laced and unlaced her fingers repeatedly. “Stacey and Maureen overheard me yelling at you over the phone. I guess you could say they talked some sense into me.” She smiled weakly.
“So you’re here because Stacey overheard?”
“No. Yes, but—”
“Well, you can go home to your sister and tell her you apologized.” Knocking back the last of the bourbon, Eleanor put the glass down on the coffee table. “Was that all?”
“I thought you’d decided I wasn’t good enough,” Addison whispered.
“What?” Eleanor was halfway standing up but now sat down again.
“I let the past rule me, and I thought you couldn’t feel remotely what I feel for you. It was as if you took over so easily, disregarding my concerns and showing your superiority so clearly. I felt so small. So unqualified, in a sense.” Wiping at her wet cheeks, Addison hiccupped.
“What are you talking about? Unqualified to do what?”
“To lead my life. To be the best for Stacey. To provide the best for her. It scared me that it was so easy for you to lie to me. When you wouldn’t let me reciprocate in—in bed, I felt you used sex to fix me, to relax me, because it was good for me, not because you couldn’t wait to touch me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved your touch, I really did, but I struggled with this weird feeling of humiliation afterward.”
“I’m trying to follow this. You felt I took over at the hospital and thus made you feel outmaneuvered? Not once could you take a step back and see I was only trying to help?” Eleanor shook her head. This was so complex and hard to understand.