by R. S. Medina
Blair is so busy with work that she doesn't keep up with the military gossip and drama. And for that, I'm thankful because it's best if she doesn't know and doesn't worry. That's one thing I've always liked about her. She's not a "dependa" as the military lingo goes. She works for what she wants. She is a go-getter and self-sufficient. She doesn't rely on me to support her. We're a team.
But as busy as Blair is, she's observant. She knows something is wrong. She senses that I'm off. And as much as she presses, digging and prying for information, I won't tell her what happened or why.
I hate this day-to-day bullshit. I hate pretending that my life is just back to normal like nothing happened. I can't just go back to my old life. I'm not the same person. I don't feel like I belong here. I feel like I'm dying a slow death over here, that I need to be back over there, in the Middle East. I need to be helping my fellow Marines and fighting. Making what happened that day right. Avenging them. Remembering them. Letting them know that they won't be forgotten.
And before I can think about it too much, without talking to Blair, I walk into my commanding officer's office, and request to be put on the volunteer list for deployment as soon as possible.
I don't belong here anymore.
Present
I'm pouring coffee into my favorite Harry Potter coffee mug and savoring the smell of it when Chazz walks in. I look up to say hello to her and then return to mixing in some sugar and creamer into my coffee. I find it oddly satisfying to watch the dark coffee disappear and the light swirl around and take over the color of the cup. I like my coffee to be more sugar and creamer than actual coffee, to be honest. I don't get people who drink coffee black. I imagine they're miserable and cranky. Finn drinks his coffee black. He's usually miserable and cranky.
"I brought your stuff back," Chazz says, my clothes in her hand. She drops them on my couch and walks into the kitchen to talk with me. She leans up against the counter and starts peeling a banana that she stole from our counter. "I washed them already, so they're good to go," she adds.
"Good, I can wear that cardigan to work today," I reply. I drop my coffee spoon into the sink and raise the mug to my lips to take a sip of coffee.
Finn walks around the corner with Olivia in his arms, and when Olivia sees her Aunt Chazz, those legs start kicking, and Olivia lets out a loud squeal. She's been doing that lately. I think she's experimenting with volume control.
Chazz takes Olivia in her arms and simultaneously gives Finn a side hug. Finn kisses his sister on the temple.
"How you doing, Finn?" Chastity asks.
"Fine," Finn says. "You're watching Olivia this weekend, right? So we can go to that dinner?"
"Yes, sir," Chazz says with a smile. She tickles Olivia, and Liv's chunky arms and legs go flying as she attempts to make the tickling stop. "I can't wait to have my little Livy over to play," she says to Olivia after she stops laughing. "You guys just focus on going out and having a good time. You guys definitely need it," she says, smiling at us.
Finn agrees and nods his head.
"I actually don't remember the last time we had a date night," I add.
"Well, drink too much and have a great time," she insists. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she adds with a silly over exaggerated wink. I laugh at her.
Finn gives Chazz a hug after pushing her for being a goofy little weirdo and takes Olivia out of her hands. He walks over and gives me a quick peck on the lips, and says, "All right, we have to go. I'm dropping Olivia off at daycare, and then I have to run some errands. I'll see you tonight."
I give Olivia a kiss, and she reaches out for me, but I don't take her. I tell her to be good at daycare, and Finn turns around and heads out the door with her. I turn to Chazz.
"I'm about to head out to work, too," I tell her. "Will you hand me my phone? It's on the counter behind you." I start gathering my purse and keys so I can lock up and head to work.
"Sure," she says, twisting to find my phone behind her. I hear it vibrate on the counter as she's looking for it.
"Um, Blair," she hesitates.
"Yeah," I'm preoccupied trying to make sure I have everything together.
"Dude, why is Tristan telling you that you're pretty? I'm not trying to snoop. The text just popped up, but that's not ok," she finally just blurts. I stop what I'm doing to look at her. I'm quiet for a minute, and then I put my hand out to see my phone. She gently places it in my hand, but she doesn't stop looking at me.
I read the text.
Tristan: Good morning, pretty girl.
It's just his standard good morning text. I haven't thought much about it until now. But now that Chazz has seen it, it looks bad. I mean, not as bad as it could. And it's not the worst that has been said between us lately. But I'm sure if Finn saw the text he would be asking the same thing. I'm not sure what to tell her.
"Oh, it's nothing," I say, trying to brush it off. I wonder if she can see I can't look her directly in the eyes.
"I don't think it's nothing. You and Tristan have history," Chazz says. She's always been one to call me on my crap.
"Ok, yeah. You're right. Maybe he shouldn't be telling me I'm pretty. But it's harmless. And it's nice to hear," I admit.
She frowns. "But still. You need to tell him you're married," she insists.
"He knows," I confess.
"Well, then he should know that it's not ok," she states.
I can't meet her eyes. "It's harmless," I promise.
"Well, you at least need to tell him that he needs to cut it out. You owe that to Finn and Olivia. You're a mom now. I don't care how bad things are between you and Finn. Finn is my brother and doesn't deserve Tristan trying to step in, and Olivia deserves a mom who respects her dad," Chazz says bluntly. And it fucking hurts. She knows it's more than what I'm saying. And she's brutally honest. She always has been. It makes me feel like a failure of a mother and wife. A double whammy. I'm failing Olivia and Finn. Who am I? I never thought I would be that person.
I tear up a little. "You're right, you're right," I tell her. She instantly comes to hug me. "You're always there to put me back in line," I tell her. And she is right. But I hate it.
"I am. And I'll always punch you in the tit when you need it," she says, lightly punching me in the left breast. I laugh.
"Fuck you, Chazz."
"Fuck you, too, Blair," she says smiling. "Now pull it together, cry baby."
She hugs me one last time and then throws her banana peel in the garbage.
"Please don't tell Finn," I beg her. The last thing I need is her telling Finn. I'm not sure he would care, but on the off-chance that he does, I don't need him blowing up about it.
"Okay, titty baby," she says, "I won't. But you better put Tristan in his place," she warns. "I have to go, but I'll talk to you later. Tell Tristan to stop being a fuck boy. I love you."
"I love you, too. Have a good day," I tell her.
Chazz grabs her car keys and heads out the door, and I follow suit. I gather my stuff to leave when my phone buzzes again.
It's Tristan. And I don't text him back. Chazz is right. I'm in the wrong. It's an emotional affair. I know it. An emotional affair is cheating too. Some might even say it's worse. Fucking is just fucking. But emotion is where it gets messy.
But by the time I get in the car and am about to pull out of the driveway, Tristan has texted again.
Tristan: Happy Thursday, pretty girl. I hope it's a good day. You deserve it. You're definitely the best part of my life lately.
And. I. Fucking. Melt. All self-control is out the window. I am smiling like an idiot down at my phone. How am I supposed to tell him to leave me alone or that this isn't ok? It's so sweet. I'm a goner. I'm totally addicted to Tristan Woods.
Present
"Finn, it turns out I have to leave straight from work to the dinner tonight," I tell him. I had been planning to come home and get ready so we could drive together, but that plan fell through.
"Fu
ck, are you serious?" He's so annoyed. We can't both be annoyed that the plan fell through. It just ends badly. We argue when we get like this. But it instantly pisses me off that he gets so mad about such a little inconvenience.
"Yeah, they need me to finish up some paperwork, and then I'll have to get ready there and just leave for the dinner from the office. Can you drop Livy off at Chazz's tonight and just meet me at the office and we can ride together?" I ask.
"Yeah, but what about your car? You're going to need it this weekend. You can't just leave it up at work all weekend long," he tells me.
"On the way home, we will swing by and pick it back up." I'm getting annoyed. I should have just said I'm going by myself. Fuck dealing with him. I fucking hate the way he talks to me. We have a real communication problem. I don't know why he tries to treat me like such a child. It's bullshit. I take care of everything. I'm not a child.
I grab my gown, makeup and curling iron to put in my car. Finn trails behind me, holding Olivia in his arms, and nagging about how inconvenient this dinner is starting to be and how he doesn't want to have to dress in his "monkey suit." I roll my eyes so hard I'm surprised he can't hear my annoyance.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. But if you didn't want to come, you shouldn't have said yes when I asked you," I remind him. I asked him about this dinner months ago when it first started coming together. I told him that I needed to RSVP and if he wanted to come, he could. And he said he would. But of course, now that it's time to follow through, it's inconvenient. And if it's inconvenient, he's going to make damn sure I know.
"I know, but I didn't know it was going to be this much work and this much of a hassle," he complains.
"The only setback has been that you have to wear a tux and I have to leave my car at work," I say, annoyed. "It's not that big of a deal. Stop bitching about it."
He transfers a wiggly Olivia from one arm to the other. "Don't talk to me like that in front of Olivia," he chastises me. And it instantly pisses me off, because for once he's right, but who the fuck does he think he is telling me what to do?
"Seriously?" I ask. "You say so much worse to me on a daily basis in front of Olivia," I remind him. I slam my car door much harder than I anticipated after loading everything up that I will need to get ready. I shouldn't be taking my anger out on my poor car. After all, what has old Blue ever done to me? She's a reliable old girl.
"It's not about that right now," he says. Of course it isn't. It's never about what he does or says. It's only me. I'm the only one who ever does anything wrong. He can't own up to his shit. He makes me feel like I'm a shit mom. And I'm definitely not a shit mom. Am I? I mean, I'm obviously failing Olivia every time I yell at her father in front of her. I'm not a good example of a wife or mother to her, and it kills me.
"Ok, whatever, I'm sorry. I have to go. You're going to drop Olivia off at Chastity's and then meet me at 5:30, ready to go, right? We have to be there by six," I remind him. I'm so angry at him that I have a death grip on my keys, and they're leaving an imprint on my palm. What I wouldn't give to just snap.
"Yeah, 5:30. Got it," Finn says. I'd bet money right now he's late. But I won't say it.
"I have to go. Have a good day, and I'll see you later," I tell him. I lean in to give Olivia a kiss goodbye. She smiles and tries to grab for me, but I slip away and get into the car. I don't kiss Finn goodbye.
Today, work drags. The only highlight is that Tristan and I have been sexually harassing each other through texts all day. We keep sending each other the best pickup lines we can think of.
Me: Let's play Barbie. You can be Ken, and I can be the box you cum in.
Tristan: Oh, my God, Blair. What the fuck. LOL. Nice dress, but I think it would look better on my floor.
Me: Nice shoes... Wanna fuck?
I cheat and Google, a lot. There are some so bad on there that even I blush. Tristan lets me win.
The office is excited about this dinner event, so I'm sure not much work is getting done today. I don't really want to go, but it will be fun to dress up and enjoy myself. One of our senior lawyers made partner, and he's being recognized. I think they're also schmoozing some potential clients? I don't really know, and I don't really care. I'm just there because I'm required to be. My best friend at work is so excited she can barely contain herself today.
"What are you wearing?" Amber asks me excitedly.
"It's a rose gold floor length gown I found online," I tell her. I'm excited about the purchase. It was so cheap compared to other dresses. And there is nothing I like more than a sale and internet shopping. Rose gold is also my latest obsession, along with every other girl out there. There is rose gold everything now... nail polish, clothes, cell phones, watches, hair. You name it.
"Oh my GOD," Amber gushes. "That's going to be so pretty!"
"I'm excited about it," I add.
"I am wearing something I already had," Amber tells me. "It's a plum purple with lace. It's so pretty," she assures me.
"And I bet it will bring out your eyes," I guarantee her. "Purple often brings out blue eyes."
"Oh! It really does!" Amber says. "You have to let me do your hair!" she exclaims. And I'm so relieved she offers, because I am awful at doing my hair and being a girl. The only thing I do with my hair is either straighten it or throw it into a messy bun. There is no other option for me.
"That would be awesome, thank you!" I tell her. "I brought my curling iron if you need it."
She smiles. "I came prepared!" she winks, and I laugh. I got so lucky to have a friend like her.
By the end of the day I'm frustrated because I finish all my work early, or on time, however you want to look at it, and they decided to close the office early so everyone could go home and get ready for the dinner tonight after all. But I brought all my clothes with me, and if I go home, I'll end up late anyway because I live farther than everyone else, so I decide to stay and get ready at the office. Luckily, Amber stays with me, and we have a fun time getting ready together.
Amber's curling my hair when I see a Snapchat notification pop up from Tristan. I don't want her to happen to see anything he says to me, just in case. She's a fan of Finn's, and she has no idea that Finn and I are having problems. Plus, she's a little bit of a gossip. And the last thing I need is people pitying me or thinking I'm a hussy. My business is my business. Tristan will just have to wait.
We make small talk about how we are applying our makeup and how we hope there are adult beverages to help us get through what is sure to be a drab evening full of office talk and brown nosing.
When she finishes up my hair, and my makeup is done, I have to say that even I am impressed. I feel beautiful. I walk into our lobby bathroom and take a picture of myself in the mirror. I typically hate mirror selfies, but this time is an exception. I send it to Tristan.
Tristan: God damn, Blair. You're fucking beautiful. Where are you going looking like that?
I smile. I wish Finn would say something like that. I look at the time. Speaking of Finn, where is he? He should be here by now...
Me: a work dinner.
Tristan: God Blair. They are so lucky they get to see you. I'm jealous of everyone who gets to be around you tonight.
Me: Don't be. I wish you were coming, though, that would be so much fun.
Tristan: Yeah, me too. I'd kill to see you.
Before I can answer, my phone is ringing. Finn's picture and name pop up on my screen. I answer it, and he's short and to the point. He lets me know he's waiting on me in the parking lot. He hangs up without saying bye. He knows that's a pet peeve of mine. It seriously gets under my skin. It's called phone etiquette!
Before I leave, I lock my office and grab my stuff. As I'm passing Amber's desk, I let her know I'm leaving for the dinner.
"I'll see you there?" I ask her.
"Yeah, I'm leaving right behind you," she smiles. "I'll meet you there!" she says as she's putting the finishing touches on her makeup. She looks g
orgeous. I wish I could look like her. She has long blonde hair that I would sell my soul for, and the prettiest blue eyes. And the way her makeup is done, her eyes pop. I'm envious. Her smoky eye shadow application is dramatic and amazing. Her eyes are to die for.
I leave the building and spot Finn's car parked next to mine in the parking lot. I unlock my car and put my stuff in the trunk. Finn steps out of his vehicle to stand next to me while I'm putting my stuff away.
"You look pretty," he says. I'm a little shocked he complimented me. I look at him. He looks amazing. His light brown hair looks blonde in the sunlight, and his face is clean shaven. His eyes look especially green today.
"Thank you. You look good yourself," I tell him. And he does. He picked a black dress suit and a gold tie. The gold looks good on him. I think he tried to match my dress but got the color off. I tried telling him there was a difference between gold and rose gold. Men, though. What can you do?
"Did you get Olivia off to Chazz's house all right?" I ask, walking around to the passenger side of his vehicle. I was hoping he would open the car door for me, but he just walks to his side and climbs in himself. At least he's driving. I hate driving in traffic.
"Yeah, she was so happy to see her Aunt Chazz," he says. "How was your day at work today?" he asks. He looks over at me as he's pulling out, and I'm buckling my seatbelt. I'm a little shocked he asked and we are so calm after the attitudes this morning. It's like this morning didn't even happen.
"Not too bad. I got what I needed done, and it was a pretty relaxed day," I tell him. I kick off my heels and prop my feet up on the dashboard. He hates when I do this, and always tells me that if we ever get into a car accident, I'm going to break my legs and die, but he lets it slide this time. "How was your day?" I ask.
"Eh," is all he says to me. I see the stress in his eyes and in the crease on his forehead. I know he's struggling. He has dark circles under his eyes that I'm just now noticing, and I wonder if he hasn't been sleeping again. I feel my stomach clench with pity for him. It feels like there are rocks in my stomach. It puts a damper on my mood.