by Sue Fortin
I sit down on the dressing-table stool and although I know it’s wrong, I feel totally justified in looking in the drawers. Her underwear is even laid out neatly in order, the same way as in mine. Somehow, I’m not surprised. I close the drawer and look at my reflection. I think back to the photograph Alice sent me and mum of herself and her friend and how happy we were to have finally been contacted by her.
I notice the bedside table in the mirror and find myself drawn towards it. I’ve poked around in her dressing table, what’s the point in stopping now? I might as well go the whole hog.
I slide open the single drawer of the bedside table. I’m shocked by what I see. A silver photo frame, like the one my wedding photo was in, is lying in the drawer face up. It’s not just the frame, though, it’s the picture inside. It’s of Alice, taken on Brighton seafront, but she’s not alone. Standing close next to her, arms around each other, is Luke, both smiling madly at the camera. My mouth dries as I stare at the photograph. My legs feel wobbly and I sink down onto the edge of the bed. My heart pummels my breastbone. I blink slowly and take another look at the picture, in case I’m imagining things.
No, they are still there, smiling back at me. My husband and my sister. Mocking me.
Chapter 15
I can barely wait for everyone to get home. Then I can show Luke and Mum what Alice is really like. I can’t help feeling a little guilty, as I know I’m going to cause Mum a lot of pain, but I really think they need to know the truth about Alice, that she’s manipulative, deceitful and even a fantasist, if the photo of her and Luke is anything to go by. I can’t wait to hear how Alice is going to get out of this one.
Mum and Alice arrive home and, of course, are surprised to see me. Mum comes into the kitchen on her own.
‘Where’s Alice?’ I ask, wasting no time on civilities.
Mum stops and looks at me. She can sense something is up. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you here. I hope you’ve calmed down after this morning.’ She places two bags of shopping on the worktop and leaves them there while she checks the post on the table.
‘I wasn’t feeling too well,’ I say. I look back down the hall. ‘Is Alice with you?’
‘She’s just nipped to the bathroom,’ says Mum. ‘Clare, you still seem very on edge. I don’t want any more trouble.’
‘Why hasn’t she used the downstairs loo?’ I ask, noting the cloakroom door is not closed properly and ignoring Mum’s comment
‘I’ve no idea. Does it really matter?’
I hear footsteps on the stairs as Alice trots down. She swings around the newel post and flashes a smile at me.
‘Hello, Clare,’ she says. She comes into the kitchen. ‘You okay? Not at work?’
‘Clearly,’ I say. ‘I’ve misplaced an important file, so I’ve popped back to look for it. I don’t suppose anyone has seen it, have they?’
‘No, sorry, love,’ says Mum her tone lightening slightly. ‘Have you checked your desk in the study?’
‘Yes, but I didn’t go in there at the weekend. To be honest, I didn’t even take it out of my briefcase.’
‘Well, you can’t have brought it home, then,’ says Alice blithely as she unpacks the shopping. She pops a can of beans in the cupboard as if she’s done it a hundred times before. As if it’s her kitchen.
‘It’s not at work, so it must be here,’ I say tersely. I catch a glimpse of the expression on Alice’s face. Was that a little smile at the corners of her mouth as she turned away? ‘Are you sure you haven’t seen it, Alice?’
Alice gives a laugh, as if I’m being totally ridiculous. ‘Clare, I promise, I haven’t seen the file. I don’t even know what it looks like. Have you checked everywhere?’
‘Of course!’ I snap.
‘Clare!’ Mum gives me a disapproving look. ‘Alice is only trying to help. Now make yourself useful and put the kettle on.’
I do as I’m told and by the time I’ve made tea, Luke has arrived home.
‘Mummy!’ calls Chloe, running down the hallway. I scoop her up.
‘Hello, darling. How was your day at nursery?’ I give her several kisses and spin her around in my arms before putting her down. ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘Juice, pease,’ says Chloe, still not quite able to master the word.
I meet Luke’s gaze and offer a smile as I try to gauge his mood with me. ‘All right?’ he says. There’s a coldness to his voice and I can’t help feeling disappointed as he side-steps me without stopping for a kiss.
‘How was your day?’ I push on.
‘How do you think?’ His voice is monotone. ‘Yours?’
‘Not so good. I’ve lost a file. Came home early to try to find it,’ I say, trying to keep a faint hold on normality.
‘Wondered why you were here.’
‘I’m going to pick Hannah and Daisy up from Brownies. Pippa asked if one of us could do it,’ I say, aware Alice is watching us. I pass Luke a cup of coffee, which he takes and just about manages to say cheers.
‘Oh, Alice, I meant to say, Pippa said she saw you in the village the other day,’ I make an effort to sound casual as I lean back against the worktop.
‘Pippa? Oh, yes, your friend. I did bump into her, that’s right,’ says Alice.
‘The funny thing is, Pippa thought you were me,’ I say, forcing a small laugh out. ‘She said you had the same top on as mine. You know, the blue one with the green-and-white fish on it?’
Alice looks slightly thrown for a second. I glance at Luke, who is watching the scenario. Mum is too. ‘Er, I don’t think so,’ she says. ‘Not the same top.’
‘Pippa has an eye for these things. I don’t think she would make a mistake like that,’ I say. ‘Actually, come to think of it, I haven’t seen that top for a few days. Look, if you’ve borrowed it, I really don’t mind, you just needed to ask. The same for my blue-and-white stripy T-shirt and denim skirt. Rather than take things, just ask. Although I’d sooner you didn’t go into my room when I’m not here. I know Mum lent you my top the other day, but please, if you could ask me first, I’d appreciate that.’
‘Clare, I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m sure,’ says Alice. She looks at Mum.
‘No, I don’t either,’ says Mum.
‘I haven’t borrowed any of your clothes,’ says Alice.
‘Really? So, Pippa is lying?’ I say looking Alice straight in the eye. I hold my hand up to Mum as she goes to protest. ‘Is Pippa lying?’ I ask again.
‘I wouldn’t say lying, more like mistaken,’ says Alice.
‘If we were to look in your wardrobe, my clothes wouldn’t be hanging in there?’
‘Clare, take it easy,’ warns Luke, saying more words than he has done so to me for the past day. ‘I don’t think that’s necessary.’ He looks apologetically at Alice.
‘But I think it is,’ I say.
‘Be my guest,’ says Alice. ‘Actually, let’s all go up and have a look, shall we? Come on.’ She puts her cup down on the worktop and marches upstairs. I follow straight behind her. I think Mum and Luke feel they have no choice but to come as well. I glance back and Luke is lifting Chloe into his arms before following us.
We all stand in front of the wardrobe as if it’s some sort of show about to start. Alice makes a big deal of opening the wardrobe door rather theatrically and then stepping back as though she’s a magician’s assistant.
I pull at the hangers where the tops are. I can’t find my fish top at all. I flick through the clothes. No sign of the skirt or the other top. I look in the bottom of the wardrobe, but it’s just shoes. I look through the clothes again, but mine are definitely not there. I spin around.
‘They were here earlier,’ I say.
‘You’ve been going through my things!’ says Alice in melodramatic tones.
‘What have you done with them?’ I glare at Alice.
‘Clare!’ It’s a warning word from Luke. He can tell I’m going to blow.
I ignore him and push between my m
other and sister and storm over to the bedside table. ‘What about this, then?’ I yank open the top drawer. There’s a packet of tissues, a phone charger and a mobile phone, but no picture. I look underneath, in case I didn’t put it back properly. Nothing. ‘There was a photo in this drawer. One of Alice and Luke. I saw it.’ I spin around and look, once again, at the jury in front of me.
‘Clare, I think you need to leave my room,’ says Alice.
‘You’ve moved it all, haven’t you?’ I demand, suddenly realising what she’s done. ‘Just now, when you got home. That’s why you used the bathroom up here and not the one downstairs.’
‘I don’t know what’s got into you, Clare,’ says Mum. She looks at Alice and puts a comforting arm around her. ‘I’m sorry, darling. I think Clare is working too hard. It’s all getting a bit much for her. Please don’t cry, sweetheart. Oh, Alice, come on, darling. Sit down.’ She sits Alice down on the edge of the bed.
‘Mum! I promise you, my clothes were here. There was a picture in the drawer. I saw it with my own eyes.’
‘Luke, take Clare out. She’s upsetting her sister.’
Luke picks up Chloe again and looks at me. ‘Don’t cause a scene,’ he says coolly.
I go to protest, but change my mind. Chloe is clinging onto Luke and eyeing me with caution. ‘I’m not making this up,’ I say, as I leave the room. I march straight into our room and fling open my own wardrobe. I’m not as surprised as I thought I might be when the clothes previously in Alice’s wardrobe are now in mine. Luke is in the room. He puts Chloe on the bed and comes over to my wardrobe. He snatches out the two tops and skirt.
‘These the ones you’re looking for?’ He throws them one by one into my arms.
‘Luke, they were in her wardrobe. I’m not lying. Why would I?’
Luke takes a step closer to me. He’s only a few inches from my face. ‘Get a fucking grip.’ He says it quiet enough that Chloe doesn’t appear to hear, seemingly distracted by the teddy bear on my bed that she must have left there at some point this morning.
I thrust the clothes back at him in my frustration. ‘Are you saying I’m lying? Why won’t you believe me?’
‘You’re the solicitor. You work it out,’ he says. ‘But if you need a clue, it’s called evidence.’ He drops the clothes onto the floor and once more scoops Chloe up. ‘I’m going to sort Chloe out her tea now. I suggest you sort your head out and apologise to your mum and sister.’
‘She’s no sister to me,’ I hiss back at him.
Luke gives a ‘for fuck’s sake’ face and turns to go. He stops in the doorway. For a second I think he’s had a change of heart, but he’s looking at the bookcase beside the door. He transfers Chloe into his right arm and with his now-free hand reaches out and picks something up from the top of the bookcase. He turns to me. ‘Something of yours, I believe.’
I gulp. It’s a green envelope file. I don’t have to read the black marker pen on the front to know what file it says. It’s the McMillan file. I take it from him. ‘That wasn’t there earlier.’
‘Something else to apologise about,’ he says. ‘I don’t know what the hell’s got into you lately, Clare, but I don’t like it. I don’t like you.’
‘It’s not me, though! It’s her! Can’t you see what’s she’s doing? She’s putting a wedge between us all.’ I don’t care that I’ve raised my voice. I don’t care if Alice hears.
Mum comes storming out from Alice’s room. She pushes past Luke and stops in front of me. ‘Now, you listen to me, young lady.’ If it wasn’t for the rage on her face, I’d probably find Mum calling me ‘young lady’ funny. It’s what she used to say when I was about ten years old. ‘Your sister is sobbing her heart out in there because of you. I never thought I’d say it, but you make me ashamed, Clare Tennison. Ashamed of you. How dare you behave like this to your sister? She’s talking about leaving now, going back to America and never coming back.’ Mum’s voice catches in her throat. She’s fighting back the emotion. ‘And if she does, I’ll never forgive you. Do you hear me? Never.’
Mum has gone out of the room before I can even respond. Her last words have struck my heart like a spear. I look to Luke in my stunned stupor.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, he would have held me in his arms and somehow absorbed any pain, but today he stands still, cold, statuesque. How has it all come to this in such a short space of time? How have I become the outcast of the family?
‘Clare what’s happening to you?’ he says, taking a step closer to me. The anger has gone from his voice. ‘I’m worried about you. It’s like you’re falling apart in front of my eyes, but you won’t let me help you.’
‘Can’t you see what’s happening?’ I ask. ‘Can’t you see what Alice is doing to us?’
‘She’s trying to find her feet back in her family. I thought this was what you wanted. It’s obviously difficult for you to have to share your life with her again, especially as you’ve had us all to yourself up until now, but you’ve got to get over this jealousy thing. It’s like you’re constantly analysing Alice, watching her every move and reading far more into it than what’s there. You’ve got to stop it and get a grip of yourself, Babe. It’s not a good place to be when you’re like this.’
‘You’re not listening to me,’ I snap. ‘No one is. You’re all taken in by her.’
I push past him and flee down the stairs. I grab my bag and car keys, the McMillan file still in my hand. I jump in the car, throwing the file and my handbag on the passenger seat and floor it out of the driveway, the wheels spinning on the gravel as I do.
At first I don’t know where I’m driving, I just know I want to get as far away from the house as possible and the people I love who are hurting me. I start to think of Luke’s reaction. He didn’t even try to defend me or to see things from my point of view. I can understand Mum’s reaction, to a certain extent. She doesn’t want to think badly of her daughter. She has been on a lifetime’s guilt trip, thinking about how she let Alice go, and now Alice is back she feels she needs to make it up to her. The love she has been harbouring all these years has to come out somewhere. I get that. She loves Alice. But Luke, why does he feel that? It’s almost as if he is putting Alice before me.
Suddenly the image of Alice and Luke standing on the seafront rushes to the fore of my mind, swiftly followed by them laughing as they came off the i360, the portrait, them together alone in the studio, Alice in her oversized T-shirt, Luke admiring her legs. The exchange of looks I’ve caught between them. It all comes rushing, crashing, thumping into my mind. The bastard! He’s fucking her!
I should be crying. I should be heartbroken, but I’m too angry to feel all that. I’m way past angry, I’m furious. Livid. Incandescent. I’m muttering all sorts of curses at Luke as I drive. All this time I’ve supported him and his fucking art and this is how he repays me. He’s shagging my sister! I thump the steering wheel. Rage settling within me.
It surprises me when I pull up outside Tom’s apartment near the seafront in Brighton. I hadn’t planned to come here. In fact, I have no idea how I ended up here. I cannot remember making a conscious decision to do so.
What the hell am I doing? I run my hands down my face and then back up across my hair, which, amazingly, is still in the ponytail. I shouldn’t be here, but where else can I go? The seafront is a good place. I turn the engine on and put the car into first gear. I’m just about to pull away when the familiar blue BMW pulls in front of me, blocking my path.
I look up and Tom looks back at me. He gets out of the car and comes over to mine. Opening the driver’s door, he looks at me and, without saying a word, reaches in, switches off the engine and takes the keys out of the ignition. He leans over and unclips the seat belt, picking up my bag and the file. He gives it a glance, but still doesn’t say anything. Then, taking my hand, he guides me out of the car. He locks my car and walks me over to his car, sits me in the passenger seat and then drives into the underground car park.
We e
nd up inside Tom’s apartment, still without saying a word, and he pours us both a brandy. We sip in silence and when I’m finished I place my glass on the table. Tom puts his arm around me and holds me to him. I don’t resist. I need human comfort. I need kindness. I need love.
Over the next hour, I relay the sequence of events to Tom and drink two more brandies.
‘I had no idea it had got like that,’ says Tom. ‘Alice seemed so, well, so …’
‘Nice,’ I supply. ‘Yeah, I know. That’s what everyone says.’
‘And Luke. I’m really surprised at him,’ says Tom. ‘He should be standing by you, defending you, not making you feel like you’ve done something wrong.’ He pauses for a moment. ‘Unless, of course … No, sorry, ignore me.’
‘What were you going to say?’
‘It doesn’t matter. It’s not my place.’
‘Tom, you’re one of my oldest friends. Of course it’s your place.’
‘No, leave it, Clare. I don’t want to make matters worse. It’s not for me to cause trouble between a man and his wife. God knows, I know what that’s like.’ He’s referring to his ex-wife Isabella and the affair that broke up their marriage.
‘It’s okay. You can say it. You think Luke is having an affair with Alice.’
‘Now, I never said that.’
‘No, but I know what you were thinking and, it’s okay, I’ve thought that too. The bastard.’ I feel the anger surge once more.
‘I’m sorry, Clare. It’s that bad, huh?’
I feel a tear leak from the corner of my eye, and then another. Before I know it, tears are streaming down my face. Tom cuddles me. He strokes my hair. He rubs my back. His tells me it’s okay and to let it out. And I do. For a good ten minutes. Then Tom produces a tissue from his pocket and dabs gently at my eyes, drying my face.