by Sue Fortin
‘It’s up to the doctor,’ she says. ‘Sorry.’
‘I’ll come and see you once I know what’s going on,’ says Luke. He pauses and I think he’s going to kiss me, but he changes his mind and squeezes my hand instead. ‘See you later.’
‘Don’t forget my bag,’ I call after him. He acknowledges with a raise of his hand as he walks out the door. I can’t help wondering if he’s going to call in to see Martha on the way. Does she mean something to him? Do I mean less? I don’t know, but there’s a void between us, one that neither of us knows how to fill. I’m not sure what’s gone missing, but something has.
I spend the next few hours drifting in and out of sleep until the breakfast tray is brought round. I’m not particularly hungry and poke at the cornflakes in the bowl and eat half a banana. I’m more grateful for the cup of tea that follows. I put the TV on and wonder when Luke will come to see me. I’m anxious for news on Hannah and really want to see her, although I’m also aware that seeing me all bandaged up in a hospital bed could be frightening for her. If only I had my phone with me I could at least then make some calls. Pippa would be first on my list, just to check how Chloe is, and secondly, to see if she’ll believe me when I say it wasn’t me who has vandalised her car.
No doubt the police will be back at some time today to question me about both Pippa’s car and the accident. I don’t know how I’m going to account for the speed at which I went through the gates to the house. If only I’d slowed down, none of this would have happened.
I think back to events and wonder what Leonard was doing there at that time in the morning. And what were Martha and Hannah doing down by the gates anyway? Then I remember the text messages warning me off. Jesus, did Martha take Hannah down there on purpose to carry out the threat? But then, why would she jump out in front of the car herself and, from what I can remember, she was trying to get Hannah out of the way? I then remember the phone call with Martha. It’s not me you need to be frightened of.
I catch my breath as a possible scenario plays out in my mind. Martha and Hannah might have been pushed in front of the car. Who would do that? Who would purposefully put a child’s life in danger? Attempted murder, nothing short of it.
I need to speak to Martha.
‘Clare, darling, you’re awake.’ My mother strides in through the doors and is hugging me before I even have a chance to say hello. ‘How are you? I came down to see you in the night, but you were sleeping. The nurse told me you would be okay.’
‘Yeah, I’m fine. Apart from this.’ I give a nod towards the cast on my arm. Then I look up at my mother. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose, Mum. It was an accident. You do believe me, don’t you?’
‘Of course, I do,’ says Mum. I see the pain in her eyes. ‘I just can’t understand why you were driving like that.’
I think about explaining that I was frightened for everyone’s safety. Frightened of what Martha would do, but I stop myself. If Luke doesn’t believe me, there’s even less chance Mum will. ‘I don’t know,’ I say feebly. ‘How’s Alice?’
Mum perches on the edge of the bed and holds my hand. ‘Not good,’ she says. She’s dosed up with morphine at the moment.’
‘She’s not unconscious or anything like that?’
‘Drifting in and out of a heavy sleep, the doctor says. She hasn’t said anything, though when she wakes up it’s like she’s only half awake. I don’t know …’ Mum’s voice cracks a fraction. ‘I don’t know if she even understands what we’re saying. She just looks at us and then looks away.’
‘It’s probably just the morphine,’ I say, wanting to comfort my mum. ‘What have the doctors said about any long-term prognosis?’
‘The brain’s a wonderful thing and sometimes just needs a bit of recovery time. They’re monitoring her closely.’ This time Mum’s eyes fill with tears and she dabs at them with a hanky she produces from her sleeve.
‘What were Alice and Hannah doing down by the gate?’ I ask tentatively.
‘I don’t know. I thought she was in the living room talking to Leonard.’
‘What was he doing there so early?’
‘He’d popped over with some forms for me to sign,’ says Mum vaguely. ‘I think he wanted to catch you before you went into work.’
‘He could have just phoned. And why didn’t he send the forms home with me? It’s all a bit odd, don’t you think?’
‘No, I don’t think, as it happens. Leonard’s entitled to come over when he sees fit. He doesn’t need security clearance from you. Why don’t you ask Leonard yourself when he comes? I’m starting to wonder about your sanity.’ Mum stands and strides over to the window. I can see her shoulders heave up and down as she reins in her anger.
‘Mum, I need to ask you something.’
She turns and looks at me. ‘Don’t. Don’t ask me anything. I’m not up to it.’
‘Mum, please …’
‘Now’s not the time.’ Mum looks towards the door. ‘Oh, there’s Leonard. He wants to speak to you.’ And then she’s striding over to the door and calling Leonard in.
‘Hello, Clare. Good to see you awake and sitting up.’ He kisses my cheek and I make an effort not to flinch from his contact. Somewhere in the back of my mind the thought is lurking that Leonard was with Martha and Hannah when I drove in. I don’t know what this means, but it’s unnerving me. ‘Tom sends his love. Says he’ll come and see you soon.’
‘Thanks,’ I mutter.
‘Now, I’ve had a word with both the doctor overseeing you and the police investigating the accident. Basically, I’ve managed to hold the police off from questioning you for another twenty-four hours. If, for any reason, they do turn up, you know your rights; you’re not obliged to say anything without legal representation.’
‘I know,’ I say impatiently. ‘But I am my legal representative.’
‘No. I’ll be that,’ says Leonard, waving away my protests. ‘You’ve sustained a head injury. You’re in no state to reliably represent yourself.’
‘Listen to Leonard, he knows what he’s talking about,’ says Mum. ‘I need to get back to Alice.’ She exchanges a look with Leonard that I can’t quite decipher and as she gets up, Leonard moves the chair back from her, his hand momentarily touching her elbow as she steps past him. In that second I have an epiphany. I don’t know why it has never occurred to me before, but Mum and Leonard are obviously more than just friends.
The next thought hits me right between the eyes.
I watch my mother leave the room, Leonard’s gaze following her. He turns and looks at me. Then looks back towards the door as it swings shut.
‘How long has it been going on?’ I ask.
I’ll give Leonard his due, he doesn’t try to deny it or make out he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He just sits in the chair. ‘A long time,’ he says.
‘And you never thought to tell me.’
‘Your mother didn’t want to.’
‘Why?’
He eyes me appraisingly and then speaks. ‘You know why.’
I shake my head. It hurts to do that. I close my eyes instead. I run my thoughts through my mind in some sort of order.
‘He didn’t take me because I wasn’t his daughter,’ I say finally and look at Leonard, who gives a small dip of his head in confirmation. ‘He thought I was, for a long time. I mean, he stayed with Mum and they went on to have Alice. So, it wasn’t until after Alice was born that he realised.’
‘You should really be speaking to your mother about this.’
‘She won’t talk about it. So it looks like I’ll have to speak to you … as my father.’ There I’ve said it out loud. It’s as if I’m having some sort of out-of-body experience. This is such a weird scenario, but then again, the last few days and weeks have been pretty weird. Leonard looks down at his hands and, for the first time, I see a man who is unsure of himself. I’ve never seen this trait in him before. ‘Didn’t you want me? Is that why Mum stayed married to Patrick?’
/> ‘No. Don’t ever think I didn’t want you, Clare,’ Leonard says with such force that it makes me jump. ‘It was your mother who didn’t want to tell him. It was complicated for both of us.’ He runs his hands through his hair. ‘Your mother should be telling you all this, not me.’
I do a quick maths equation in my head. ‘Were you married at the time?’
‘Yes. To my first wife. Well, technically married. We were on the brink of divorce.’
‘This is actually freaking me out a little.’
‘I can imagine.’
‘No you can’t. You have no idea how I feel.’ I surprise myself at the snap in my voice. I’m suddenly overwhelmed with an anger I didn’t see coming. ‘You’ve always known. It’s not a surprise to you. Although, surprise doesn’t even begin to cover it.’
‘I’m sorry, Clare. This is not how I wanted you to find out.’
‘No, you didn’t want me to find out at all. Neither did Mum.’ I can’t look at him now. ‘I’d like you to leave, please.’
Leonard doesn’t argue. He stops in the doorway. ‘I’ve always looked out for you. Whatever I’ve done, I’ve always done it with your best interests at heart.’
My eyes remain fixed on the grey clouds outside. Only when he leaves, do I let the tears fall.
Chapter 25
It seems an age before Luke returns. I’ve been trying to take in the latest revelation. In just a matter of weeks, my world has been turned upside down and everything I thought I knew is turning out not to be so.
‘I brought your phone charger as well,’ says Luke, resting my bag on the end of my bed when he finally turns up.
‘Thanks,’ I say, grateful for his thoughtfulness. ‘How’s Hannah?’
‘Good. I’ll be taking her home soon. The doctor’s done his rounds and given her the all clear.’
‘Thank God for that.’
‘What about you?’
‘They want to keep me in for another night but, to be honest, I think I’m okay. I can’t see what good one more night will do.’
‘Always arguing the toss,’ says Luke.
I think it’s an unfair comment, but I let it go. ‘I’ll give Hannah a call later and speak to her. I don’t really want her to see me all bandaged up like this. The nurse said they’d put a smaller dressing on my head when I go home.’ I touch the bandage. ‘I look like some 1940s housewife with this on.’
‘Nothing wrong with a bit of 1940s housewife, seamed stockings and all that.’ Luke gives a small smile and for a second I see the Luke that I knew and loved before all this … this Alice business started up.
‘Luke …’ I go to speak, but my voice peters out. I want him to reassure me that this is just a blip, but I change the subject instead. ‘What have you said to Hannah about the accident? She does know I didn’t do it on purpose, doesn’t she?’
‘Of course, she bloody does.’ The moment has passed and Luke’s face returns to its more-favoured frown of late.
‘Did she say what happened? Why she and … Ma … I mean, Alice, were down at the gate.’
‘She says she was looking for Alice; she’d drawn her a picture of something. Hannah saw her from the upstairs window walking down the drive, so she ran after her.’
‘And then what?’
‘She’s not too sure, to be honest. She got upset when I tried to talk to her in too much detail. I think she must have caught up with Alice just as you came through the gates.’
‘Do you think that’s true? I mean, do you think she might be too scared to say what happened?’
‘Clare, you’re doing it again, Babe. You’re looking for the angle all the time. No, I don’t think she too scared. She’s in shock. Witnessing something like that must have been traumatic for her.’
‘I can’t get the image out of my head,’ I say. ‘I keep seeing Alice’s face, hearing the noise. And now that I know Hannah was there … what could have happened … Oh God, Luke. It doesn’t bear thinking about.’
He takes my hand. ‘I know, but Hannah is going to be okay. You can’t torture yourself about it.’ There’s a small silence before he speaks again. ‘The police want to speak to her.’
‘No! Absolutely not.’ I snatch my hand away and the tenderness between us dissolves once more. ‘I don’t want them frightening her.’
‘Come off it, Clare. You know the routine. They won’t scare her. I’ve already had this out with that detective anyway. Leonard is going to be there when they speak to her.’
I stiffen at this latest nugget of information. I’m not sure how I feel about Leonard being near my daughter. I refuse to entertain the thought that Leonard’s status with Hannah has changed. What a can of worms this all is. Right now, I can’t deal with the fact that Leonard is my father. The implications to my children are huge. I don’t feel strong enough to go through it all with Luke just yet. I need to get my head around it myself first.
Luke is talking again. ‘So, I expect the police will want to speak to you today.’
I shake my head. ‘Leonard’s managed to put them off for twenty-four hours.’
‘Good old Leonard.’ I detect a note of sarcasm in Luke’s voice, but I ignore it. ‘What is it with talking to the police? What are you scared of?’
I eye my bag at the foot of my bed and consider how much to tell Luke. ‘It’s not so much me,’ I say, stretching for the strap of my bag. Luke passes it up. ‘It’s Hannah. I don’t want her involved in all this. I don’t want to put her in any danger.’
‘In danger? What are you talking about?’
I take my phone from my bag. ‘Something’s going on. I know you don’t believe me about Alice, but I’ve had some pretty damning text messages. I’ll show you.’ I ignore the exasperated look Luke gives me and turn my attention to my phone messages. ‘That’s strange. I can’t find them now.’ I look back through my messages again, searching for the picture of Luke and Hannah outside the house and the threats that followed. They’ve disappeared.
‘What are you looking for?’ asks Luke.
‘Have you used my phone at all? Deleted anything? Messages? Photos?’
‘Are you for real?’
I go to the call section, where all calls in and out are listed. I’m looking for the one where Martha rang me late the other night. Again, there are no calls from her or any showing the calls I made.
‘I don’t understand,’ I say. ‘I had a phone call and text messages warning me off and now they’ve just disappeared. Has anyone else had access to my phone?’
‘First of all you think that Alice isn’t your sister, then you think I’m shagging her, then someone’s sending you messages and photos that now can’t be found, so someone must have tampered with your phone. None of which you have any proof of, I might add.’ He paces the room with his hands behind his head. ‘You’re going mad, I’m telling you.’
‘I am not going mad!’
Luke spins on this heel and strides over to the bed, his jaw set hard and a vein in his temple bulges ever so slightly, the way it does when he is really mad at something. He clenches his hands and pushes them onto the mattress as he leans into me, his face inches from mine. I shrink back in the pillow. His eyes narrow and I can hear his breath streaming through his nostrils as he is clearly fighting to keep his cool. ‘You need to get yourself sorted out,’ he says, his words are ice-cold. ‘I don’t want you around the kids right now. It’s not healthy for them.’
I sit bolt upright, almost head-butting Luke as I do. He doesn’t flinch. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m going to take the girls away for a couple of days. Away from all this tension and your crazy ideas.’
‘You can’t do that!’
‘I can. I’m their father and you’re not in a good place, mentally, right now. I don’t want to do this, but you’re leaving me no choice.’ He stands up and looks down at me. ‘It’s just for a few days.’
‘No! I won’t let you.’ I feel panicked and desperate. I feel helpless. ‘Whe
re are you going? Have you been planning this all along – you and Alice? Were you always going to leave me? I expect her ending up in hospital has ruined your plans, hasn’t it?’ The words pour out of me unchecked, but the look on Luke’s face stops me in my tracks and the words dry in my mouth. He looks at me for a long second and I see so much on his face in that one moment. There’s anger, sadness, exasperation and contempt. He hates me, I’m sure of it.
‘I’ll tell you what’s going to happen.’ he says, sadly. ‘I’m going to take the girls to my mum and dad’s for a few days. You’re going get your head straight and sort things out with your mum and, hopefully, your sister. You know, the one currently in intensive care.’
‘Don’t leave me … please,’ I sound pathetic and I hate myself for it, but I can’t bear the thought of being separated from Luke and the girls like this. Memories of Alice being taken away flood back to me. ‘Please don’t take the girls away.’
Luke’s expression softens and this time I see compassion in his eyes. ‘I’m not leaving you and I’m not taking the girls away. Not the way you’re thinking. I’m not your father. I’ll be back in a few days, I promise, and when I am, me and you, we’ll sit down and try to work out a way to salvage what’s left of our marriage.’
I watch Luke leave, aware that I’m on the brink of tears yet again.
My life is crumbling away around me and only I can put a stop to it. I look down at my phone. I know I didn’t imagine those messages, stressed and jet-lagged or not. Someone is conspiring against me. Someone has tampered with my phone and for once I can’t blame Martha.
I tip the contents of my bag out onto the bed and check to see if anything is missing. If someone has been to the trouble of deleting messages from my phone, then they may have got rid of other evidence too.
My bed resembles the aftermath of a festival in a park as the contents litter the sheet. Shopping receipts, which were once tucked neatly into my card wallet, mostly for the food and drink I bought in America, a car-hire ticket, my coin purse, a lipstick – my favourite pink one, which reminds me of the colour Mum wears – passport, packet of tissues, the clear-plastic toiletry bag I took on board in my hand luggage, a couple of pens and a map of Amelia Island, along with my notebook. I flick through the pages and all the pages with my notes on regarding Alice have been ripped out. The lens box is also missing. The email printout with the picture of Alice and Martha is crumpled up – once neatly folded it is now looking rather tatty. None of this really matters, compared to the brown envelope of photographs, which is nowhere to be seen. The photographs Roma gave me of Alice have disappeared too.