“Guntram, go to bed. You must be tired. Breakfast is at nine and the service at ten. Pater Bruno will hear your confession after it.”
“Yes, good night, Konrad.”
“Good night, sleep well.”
Chapter 15
Konrad von Lintorff was mildly upset with his Spiritual Director. He understood the sacrament of confession very well and really didn't need a lecture on it, exactly like the one Pater Bruno was giving him after lunch.
He had only asked what had transpired during the full seventy-three minutes the boy had been locked in the library with the priest and there he was getting a long speech on the matter only because he had wanted to do things right. He could have perfectly asked for the tapes and be done with it but no, he did it in the proper way and he was being told off in the best “Friederich way”. 'I swear they train this in the Jesuit seminar. Time to end this before I kill him,' he mused.
“Pater Bruno, I'm afraid I didn't express myself properly. I would never ask you to break the sacrament of confession. I'm only concerned about Guntram's lifestyle in St. Petersburg. Many disturbing news reached me about his time with that man, Repin. You're perfectly aware of who he is. I wanted to know your impression of the boy and ask for your advice on how to do the best for him. After all, he is one of us.”
“My son, Guntram is a gentle soul who will obey his Mother Church. He spent most of his youth helping those in need under a priest's guidance. Rest assured that he will follow every command issued by the Church.”
“This is what disturbs me most. How a child, because he was eighteen when he met that man, could have ended like his favourite plaything?”
“He believed all this man's lies. He's very confused about his attentions. He thinks he loved him, but not any more. He would like to return to his own previous life in Argentina and leave this nightmare behind. He has paid a very high price for his mistake, but still doesn't blame those who did, but himself. His story is a very sad one indeed, my son.”
“I took him from Russia because I feared he would try to commit that sin again. He will carry those marks on his wrists for ever.”
“He's truly repentant of it, he sees now that it was cowardice and that he should have had a stronger Faith in Christ. He will not repeat it.”
“What is your impression about him? Could his repentance or his character be faked?” Konrad asked very softly as the priest was cooperative.
“No my Duke. He has a very troubled and pained soul. He was only happy when he was helping the others; he would never take advantage of people or lie. You can see it in his eyes. He truly needs your help and support to stay away from that man and will be truly grateful to you if he gets a second opportunity to live his life as he originally thought it would be; working hard and helping his brothers. He has a real social conscience moulded after the Church's teachings,” the priest said, quickly adding the last sentence as the Duke's views on Socialism were very well-known.
“I understand, Pater. I am willing to send him back to school, but I think he should continue with his artistic career, what do you think about it?”
“Art can also show us God, I see no inconvenience or danger in that, but he will be better away from some of temptations some so-called artists can present him. Guntram is very vulnerable and easy to be influenced at the moment. I'd like to take him, if you don't oppose my Duke, to help twice per week at the depots the Lintorff Foundation has. We have so many donations and so little people helping to organize things. It would be good for him to start to relate again with good Christians. Most of the volunteers there are good women, so he would not feel threatened at all. To sit here idly can't be a good adviser for young people.”
“I think that is an excellent idea as long as his poor health condition does not suffer.”
“I will tell Friederich to arrange it. It was his idea, after all.”
'Why am I not surprised?' “What about arts, should he go back to study Art History at the University?”
“That is very far in the future my son. He needs to build his trust in mankind again, especially in men.
Perhaps some drawing lessons with not many people around.”
“It will be done as you say, Pater,” Konrad dismissed the man, but it was impossible to move him from his chair.
“Konrad, my son, there's also a lesson in all this for you,” the priest intoned seriously. “I know who he is and from where he comes from. Whatever offences committed by his family against you and the Order, he has nothing to do with them. He's truly a kind soul; the Lord has granted him with enormous patience and optimistic view toward men. He truly believes in the inner goodness of men and in salvation for all of us, even for those who offended him grievously in the past. Do not waste this chance the Lord has given you to redeem part of your sins,” Pater Bruno finished, looking at the Duke with great intensity. “Friederich also agrees with my view. Helping this little lamb can erase many of the injustices perpetrated during your rule. You have accepted him as your ward and you're his guardian. Perhaps, he will help you to close your inside void when you learn to let go offences. To love is to forgive too.”
'Those two train together, no doubts about it.' Konrad thought but kept silent just to show that he was pondering on the words. “Thank you Pater Bruno. I will do my best for Guntram and I trust you show him the way again.”
“Certainly my son,” the old man promised, thinking that once more his Duke was trying to fool him. 'As if I didn't know him since he was twelve years old. Still the same, but this time Lintorff, it won't be easy for you to get rid of this boy.'
Guntram's diary. It was strange to go to Mass again and to Confession. I thought I would never do it again when Constantin took me to Russia and it's so good to be back. Pater Bruno was very kind to me and heard me without judging me. I was expecting he would tell me a lot of things because of my relationship with Constantin but he didn't seem to care about the homosexuality. No, he focused more in that night and when I tried to kill myself. It was a huge relief to let everything out of my heart. I told him about my time in Argentina, what I was doing with Father Patricio what had been my goals before I met Constantin and how I was attracted to him. I also told him that I was unsure about my love for him even then, but I've accepted his proposal because I also couldn't let him go. I enjoyed his friendship more than anything as he was the first person who really spoke with me like an adult person and as an equal and there I said it.
“I'm not sure if I loved him as I used to think before, Father. I have him in my greatest esteem even after he lied to me about his ventures and who he was. I'm grateful to him and would have done anything to please him, to repay him for all his support and love. That makes me almost a prostitute, doesn't it?”
“Were you trying to take advantage of his love for you?”
“No never. He was always giving me so many things and almost forcing me to accept them that I wanted to give him something in exchange so he would be happy. My paints, my body, my companionship, everything I had.
After the attack, he was simply wonderful to me, even if I told him that I didn't love him any more. He's not the bad person everybody says he is.”
“Guntram, you were misguided, but not a prostitute. The best thing would have been to speak with the truth from the beginning and be forthcoming with him.”
“I did but he kept coming onto me and I started to enjoy his touch.”
“Concupiscence is never a good adviser, my son. Do you repent of your acts?”
“I regret staying for so long. I can't shout now that I was a young deceived maiden because everything I did with him in the bed was on mutual accord. If I could turn back time, I would not repeat it. I regret the pain I caused to his wife or his children. I never intended to split them apart or go against God's sacrament of marriage. I regret that I tried to take my own life when it wasn't mine at all. I wanted to escape from the memories of the attack and his house. I felt like a prisoner there.”
&n
bsp; “What you endured was a very traumatic experience and you have to find the way to live with the consequences. The ways of our Lord are mysterious and we can only pray for the faith and strength to accept them.
Take this new opportunity to do your best to follow his Law. Your have to learn to carry on with your life with joy and in service of your brothers.”
He's right. I can't spend the rest of my life in fear of that night. It can't lead the rest of my existence. The priest said that my talent is a gift from God and it's my duty to develop it for his service. I don't think I'm talented at all, but he's right I have to do my best to help the others.
I was happy after speaking with him. Not happy to the laughing and singing point; it was more like when you see that even if you're surrounded by crap the sun still shines and everything is beautiful, regardless of the your circumstances or when you see a poor child's eyes lighting up.
The Pater stayed for lunch along with Ferdinand von Kleist and his wife, a very tall blonde, who ignored me. I suppose she knows who I'm: the former lover of a Mafia boss. One step on top of the street whore and one below the cleaning lady. I don't blame her for despising me. A lady of her status should have never been forced to sit at the same table as I. Lintorff, on the other hand was kind enough as to ask me if I was feeling all right with the cold weather and if the ceremony in German had not been too much for me. I noticed that Friederich was only serving him as the other two butlers took care of us. I got again “special food,” much to my chagrin. These Germans are too much. I know that I have to keep a diet but a little of sauce or wine won't kill me! If only once per week.
After eating, Ferdinand (he told-ordered me to call him like that) and his wife went home and I was left with Lintorff. Alone. I didn't know what to do and just when I was going to escape back to my room, he said: “Change your clothes and I'll show you the forest. It's warm enough as to walk.” Going away with him was not my greatest wish, but fighting with him was a bad idea. I only nodded and over my bed there was already laid out one casual outfit; grey wool trousers, light blue shirt, blue jersey and a wind-proof jacket Barbour like and trekking shoes.
I dressed myself in no time as Lintorff didn't look like someone who would wait for you. He was already standing, also casually dressed with a similar jacket and a scarf with gloves, at the bottom of the stairs. Switzerland is cold even if we are in March, there's still some snow around. “Close the jacket, is very cold out there and the temperature drops by two or three degrees under the trees. We even have a small stream running across.”
“Is there a park around here, Konrad?” I asked, puzzled that he was so dressed to see a few trees around.
“No, it belongs to us. It's closed to visitors. I like to keep my privacy and avoid having people around.
The forest that surrounds the residence is about sixty acres. You should not go alone in the night because the guards have trained dogs, but during the day you can come with Antonov and perhaps draw if you want. If you don't like it, you can stay in the garden or in the greenhouse.”
“I understand,” I answered. He's crazier than Constantin about his security. Dogs and armed men around? Shit! I can forget to escape on foot. My initial evaluation that this was a mausoleum is wrong. This is a fucking fortress or prison.”
“Antonov will start on Monday. You will like him and he will stay in the red bedroom, next to yours. He is Russian too and speaks English very well. Former KGB.” I paled there. I know those guys; many work for Constantin and they're efficient, cold and deadly. “He's fine to have around and also likes art. He can drive you to a Museum if you want. He also has medical training, but I hope we don't need it.”
Lintorff went for the main entrance and I followed him, zipping up the jacket. Friederich was already there and opened the door for him and gave me a brief smile. We crossed the pebbled courtyard and I gaped like the idiot I am at the tree with the white flowers, not knowing what it was and to the other two standing in the middle.
“That one is a cherry tree, the other is an apple tree and the last one is an oak. To plant them was a good idea. It takes away the fortress ambiance.” He told me as a matter of fact as he was going to the exit toward the garden I've seen from the library. I think it's English but I don't know. Must be nice in the summer and the ivy around the walls is also nice. He walked away from the castle, using a small path that crossed what originally were the stables, now transformed into a garage, a pond with some ducks. “Its intended use was washing the horses, but now it belongs to the ducks. They come and go. The water comes from the stream I spoke about. I use to read here in the summer, but it's very rare that I have some free time.”
“I understand you run many companies.”
“One private bank, two hedge funds, some insurance and industries in Europe. I try to stay in Zurich as much as I can but travelling is unavoidable. You look different since you spoke with Pater Bruno.” He observed as he walked and I trotted after him. Being a giant allows him to be much faster than I.
“I feel better after speaking with him. He was very understanding and helpful.”
“I'm glad. You should trust us, Guntram.”
“Could I speak with Constantin today?”
“After we walk a little. You can't be the whole day in the house.”
“I see.”
“Tell me about your life with him. How did you meet him?”
“I know nothing about his deals.” I stopped him. “I don't want to know.”
“I'm aware of that. I'm not making intelligence on him through you.” He laughed with all his heart. “I just wanted to start a conversation,” he added. “You should be less nervous around people. Not everybody plans to hurt you, Guntram. All right, let's change the subject. Why did you study Social Work in Argentina?”
He took me by surprise. Forget it Guntram, he's playing the “good cop”, nothing else. “I thought it was a way to help people, but I'm no saint because I started Economics too and I was more interested in finishing that one.
I used to help in a poor people's area, in the communal kitchen or taking care of the children.”
“You never considered becoming a painter?”
“Never. I like to paint but it becomes too much sometimes. I forget the rest of the world.” I shrugged and nearly bumped into him because he stopped without further notice. I was going to apologise when he shushed me and his hand quickly caught something on a log covered with moss.
“Look, it's one of the first to be out this year. We might have a hot summer.” He opened his huge hand to show me a brown-greenish grey toad. It was no bigger than 8 cm, and sat still on his palm. “Give me your hand, you can have it and then, we put it back on the tree. It's an Erdkröte, common toad. They emerge from hibernation late February and return to their original pond.” Very delicately he coaxed the toad to jump into my open palm so I could take a good look at it. It was very nice and I looked at it for a long time, trying to memorize its every detail so I could draw it later. I put it back in the moss and it jumped away.
“Did you love him?”
“What?” I asked totally lost. I was in my own nirvana and he had pushed me out just like that.
“Repin. Do you love him?”
“I'm not the best collateral if that's what you want to know, sir.”
“Konrad and I don't need a guarantor to persuade Repin to pay me back. It's a simple question.”
“It's none of your business.” He looked at me and I knew that I had to answer him or face his wrath.
“Constantin was very keen on me. He loves me and does the best he can.”
“That's not what I asked. Do you love him?”
“We were together for two years!”
“Still not the answer I'm looking for. Yes or no, Guntram.
“I loved him, yes. He's my best friend.”
“I don't go to bed with my best friend. In fact, I would kill myself before kissing Ferdinand.”
“I love him if that
's what you want to hear.”
“You lie very poorly. You're very young and still have to learn. Why does he love you?”
“Would you mind your own business?”
“There must be a reason. Repin was always changing lovers like he changes shirts. I'm just surprised that you lasted for so long. Two years must be a record, especially if we consider that you have been out of business for the past six months.”
“Constantin enjoyed my painting and my company. I also did.” I huffed wishing that he would stop his prodding.
“You remind me of someone from my past. Physically because you're not at all like him,” he said out of the blue and I just stared at him. “He was much older than you when I met him. More than twenty-seven years old. We were lovers for almost seven years.” I could have died from the shock. Lintorff was gay? No way, Mikhail told me he was the whole time screwing around girls. I was rendered mute.
“I would like to have your friendship Guntram,” he told me softly and I didn't know what to say or think.
“This is impossible Konrad. You are my enemy.”
“I am not. I want to look after you, exactly as I promised your father I would. He was a good man. You look very pale. Perhaps we should return to the house. The doctor says you need to rest as much as you can.”
“I feel fine,” I answered perhaps drier than necessary. I'm tired that everybody thinks I'm a cripple.
“Where did you go to school?” He switched again topics to something more amiable.
Into the Lion's Den Page 31