I shrugged, knowing that I couldn’t begin to tell them the truth.
“That’s what Ross says. I’m assuming he would know.”
Caleb stayed quietly in the background. He knew that Georgie and Gramps would want to get their fill of conversation in with me.
Gramps spoke up again. “That’s just fine. Communication is far too easy these days, if you ask me. You just go and support Ross while he takes care of his ailing mother. We will all be fine, I promise you.”
Finally, Caleb spoke. “He’s right. We’ll take care of everything here. The girls will miss you both, but they’re doing well. Just call us as soon as you guys make it back to where there’s cell reception.”
I sighed, suddenly feeling sad that I wouldn’t be able to see or speak to them. I’d not gone more than a few days without speaking to Gramps in my whole life.
“I will. I don’t know how long we will be there. It all just depends on…”
Gramps held up his hand to stop me. “We know, sweetheart. There were lots of times when Georgie was out exploring the world that we wouldn’t hear from her for months. It will be fine. We love you.”
Fighting back tears, I knew I had to get off the phone quickly if I didn’t want to turn into a blubbery mess for the rest of the day.
“I love you guys, too. I’ll talk to you as soon as I can.”
I ended the call and took some time in the bathroom to gather my composure. When I stepped back into the bedroom to find that Ross still hadn’t returned from readying things with Callum, I decided to go and find someone to visit with.
The first person I came across was Silva. She stood out in the hallway, just a few doors down from ours, her baby cradled against her chest as she tried to soothe him.
She smiled at me and I approached her as she spoke.
“I don’t understand it. Once I’m able to get him to sleep, he sleeps hard, but until then—no matter how completely exhausted he is—he fights it.”
I grinned as I looked down into her arms at him. He had plump cheeks and beautiful green eyes.
“He just doesn’t want to miss out on any of the fun.”
She laughed and continued to try and soothe him. “I suppose so.”
We both grew quiet then, an awkward silence settling between us as she gently bounced him up and down and paced in semi-circles around me. I nearly turned and walked off in the other direction when she finally spoke.
“I…” She hesitated and I smiled at her to encourage her to continue on. “I know it’s not really my place to say so, but Ross is a really great guy. I’m so glad that he’s found you.”
I felt the heat rise in my cheeks a little as I blushed. I was quite glad I’d found him, too.
“He really is. Although, I’m not sure he knows that.”
She laughed a little and then sighed as the baby slowly settled down in her arms. “No. He definitely doesn’t. For some reason that I will never understand, he seems determined to believe nothing but the worst about himself.”
Her expression as she spoke was genuinely irritated, and I realized that she must have known him a long time. She knew him too well—her observations of him too close to my own—for it to be otherwise.
“You and Ross are quite close then?”
She looked taken aback by my question, so I tried to elaborate further. “It’s just that Ross doesn’t let many people in enough for them to be so astute in their take on him.”
She lifted her brows quickly, as she nodded and waved me toward the doorway nearest us. I obligingly followed her inside so she could lay the baby down to sleep.
“I’ve known him for years. And he may not let people in, but his cards are really all out on the table. It doesn’t take much time around him for his poor opinion of himself to leak through.”
That much was true. He grimaced at every kind word that was ever said to him.
She was staring at me strangely again, much like she had in the kitchen the day before. Curiosity getting the better of me, I simply had to ask her. “What is it? Why do you always look at me like you’re not sure whether you want to hug me or hit me?”
She laughed as together we walked from the room. “I’m sorry. My expression shows everything. I can assure you that I don’t want to hit you.” She sighed before continuing. “Have you seen the tower room yet? Do you want to join me up there for a chat?”
When I nodded, she began to lead the way as she talked. “It’s only…I’m protective of Ross. I’m worried for him. Not because of you. I can tell you’re great. Because of him. He’s sure to do something to try to make this thing with you implode, and I desperately want to pin you down and make you promise you won’t leave him when he does.”
I chuckled uncomfortably, unsure of how to process the oddity of this interaction as I followed her up a set of spiral stairs.
As we reached the top and entered a beautiful room surrounded by paned windows that provided a stunning three-hundred-and-sixty degree view of the castle, I spoke.
“Why exactly are you so protective of him?”
She moved to one of the curved benches that lined the walls and motioned for me to join her. “Ross was my best friend for a very long time. I just don’t want him to suffer any more pain than he already has.”
Perhaps she was referring to Beth’s death, but something inside told me that wasn’t it. She’d said that she was his best friend, which meant she no longer was. And since I’d never heard mention of her name before I arrived here, I didn’t imagine that the two of them were in much contact anymore. It was possible she knew nothing about Beth.
As far as I could tell, the statement was another small thread for me to pull on. Another hint at what Ross seemed so intent on keeping to himself.
“What pain has he suffered?”
She sighed again, and gave me a small shrug. “The only thing Ross hates worse than a kind word is being the subject of gossip. He would never forgive me if I said anything. He will tell you in time, I’m sure. I’ll just say this: we all go through terrible things, but most of us aren’t as hard on ourselves as he is. He doesn’t only suffer the pain of the moment, or the loss, he continually carries the pain of the judgment he places on himself. It makes it so much worse. It’s never-ending for him.”
I found the thought to be immeasurably sad, but I knew she was right. I’d seen it in him too many times before. If you looked past his friendly smile and beautiful eyes, you could see the pain there, the worry that anything good was going to vanish in an instant, and that no matter how it happened, he would be at fault.
I brushed away a rogue tear that had spilled onto my cheek. “If it makes you feel any better, I can see the unspoken hurt that just festers in him, and while I wish he would trust me with it, I’m doing my best to be patient with him. I promise you I won’t run.”
She shook her head at me. “No. Don’t make that promise. It may not be one you can keep. He may do something that you feel you can’t move past, and you always need to feel as if that’s okay. All I ask is that if he ever hurts you, just know that it’s not because he doesn’t love you. His poor decisions are almost always caused by the self-hatred he’s somehow been unable to get rid of for most of his life.”
A sudden voice called up to us from the bottom of the stairwell. Sydney.
“Ross and Callum are back. You two better come on down so we can all eat a quick farewell lunch together.”
With a heavy heart, I set off down the stairs. There was no way that Silva and Ross had just been “friends.”
No matter how much I didn’t want it to be true, part of the joy I usually felt when I looked at Ross was gone as I watched him enter the dining hall.
Whatever secret Ross held onto was big. Silva wouldn’t have said a word to me about it otherwise.
After my conversation with Gramps, I’d been so sure I would be able to move past whatever it was that he didn’t want me to know.
Now, I wasn’t so sure of that at all.
>
Chapter 39
Something was bothering her. What had happened in the few hours between the time that he’d left her in bed that morning and the time he’d joined her at lunch, Ross didn’t know, but something was different between them.
All day, throughout the ride toward his mother’s, she’d been quiet. And her fascination with how strange things were in a century so different from her own seemed muted to him.
He’d planned for them to camp outdoors on their first night of the journey, but by the time dusk fell, he knew that would do nothing to help the lass’s mood.
“There is a village not far off the path ahead. I canna say for sure that the place I have in mind will still be there, but I believe there is a rather lovely inn. At least, there used to be. Why doona we stop and get warm for the night? They should have a cooked meal available as well.”
Riding on the horse in front of him, her head barely brushing his chest, she quickly nodded. “Sure, although I thought you said we were camping?”
He didn’t want her to protest if he said he was stopping for her benefit. Instead, he played up his own fatigue.
“Aye, but I now believe this would be better. Stopping in a village will allow me to rest the horse in a proper stable. And I am not as accustomed to riding as I once was. My arse and legs ache dreadfully. I doona know if I would be able to walk come morning if I had to sleep on the ground.”
She gave a soft chuckle, and it lit up some hope in him that perhaps her mood was lifting somewhat.
“I am always going to be in favor of sleeping off of the ground.”
Blessedly, the inn he had in mind was still running, and he delighted in watching her awe grow as they entered the first real village she’d seen since they’d traveled into the past.
“Wow. It’s so dark without street lamps. Everyone’s eyesight must be terrible.”
He laughed and bent to nuzzle his lips into the side of her neck. “I doona know about that, lass, but I do know that I am glad that I no longer live in this time.”
He pointed to the stable in the distance. “If I dismount here, do ye think ye can ride her to the stables while I go in search of the man I need to pay for a night’s lodging for the horse?”
She twisted to look at him nervously. “I can try.”
Pulling the horse to a stop, he quickly dismounted and gave the mare a gentle pat.
“Ye shall be fine. She’s an easy ride. It shouldna take me more than a moment.”
I was beyond grateful for Ross’ change of heart. Not only had my worries from my conversation with Silva built throughout the day, I was in so much pain from being on the back of a horse for hours on end, I was near tears.
My desire to practice patience with Ross was now entirely gone. We still had several days on the road before we reached his mother’s, and once there, I would be apart from everything and everyone I knew for months. I needed answers. And I needed them now. It would be better to have the conversation behind closed doors than out in the middle of nowhere.
Thankfully, Ross was right about the horse. She proceeded in the direction of the stables without me having to do much of anything to get her there. Ross had run ahead to the small house that sat close to it. By the time I reached the stables, he was already on his way back outside with the man I assumed owned them.
It didn’t take long for Ross to see the horse settled and even less time for him to secure us lodging at the one inn in the small village.
The inn was endlessly fascinating to me. Lit only by a large fire in the corner and an alarming number of candles, once inside it had a surprising amount of comfortable amenities.
The bed in the room we were shown to was more comfortable than I ever would’ve imagined. And the food the innkeeper brought up shortly after we settled in was delicious.
I’d found it odd that he’d asked me to wait outside while he procured our room, but as we sat down at the small table in the corner, he explained why.
“They think we are married, lass. ’Twas the only way ’twould be suitable for us to share a room, and I dinna wish to risk ye protesting if they asked us.”
I bit into the loaf of bread that accompanied our stew as I spoke in between mouthfuls. “I’m not a moron, Ross. I would expect that in this time.”
He nodded, before frowning at me and leaning back in his seat. “What is it, lass? Something is the matter and I can do nothing to solve it until ye tell me what ’tis.”
I reached for the bitter, stout mug of ale and took a sip to wash down the dry hunk of bread in my mouth before answering him. “I think we need to talk.”
He nodded. “Aye, Allanah. I agree. Talk to me, lass.”
I didn’t know how to begin. I didn’t know how to press him without making him pull away. “You know how you often avoid certain topics?”
His expression shifted to one of confusion. “Do I?”
“Yes. You do. It seems that we can talk about anything as long as I don’t mention Scotland, your youth, your past, any time leading up to your arrival in Boston, really. I have so many questions that I want to ask you, but you make it clear that I’m not allowed to. I’m in love with you, Ross, but I feel as if I know nothing about you.”
He protested immediately. “I have never said that ye couldna ask me anything.”
I huffed and pushed myself away from the table as I began to pace the room.
“You didn’t have to say it, Ross. It’s clear in the way you change subjects or give me details so vague that it would be fine to share them with a total stranger. I’m an open book, Ross. Ask me anything. I’ll tell you. I don’t have any secrets. There’s no part of my past so painful that I won’t tell you about it.”
He sighed and looked down at his feet. “Then ye are lucky, lass.”
“Stop it, Ross. If I’m the person you love—if this is real—then there shouldn’t be anything so painful that you can’t tell me either.”
Slowly, he looked up, his eyes boring into me. “Fine, lass. Ask me anything and I shall tell ye. I can be the open book that ye wish. Just ask.”
Surprised by his willingness, I relaxed a little, making way for some hope that perhaps I’d overreacted to everything Silva had said.
“Really?”
He nodded, somberly. “Aye. What do ye wish to know?”
While I believed his intention to tell me more about himself, I also knew that I would have to tread carefully. He wasn’t accustomed to sharing anything with anyone. If I jumped right in with my toughest questions, I knew he would retreat.
“Why did you move from your time to mine?”
He stood from the table, walked over to the bed, and sat down as he motioned for me to do the same. When he did, he faced me and gathered my hands in his.
“The first time I fled out of fear. I left because I dinna wish to fulfill my duty as one with magic. I was meant to be bound to a laird on an isle far from my home. I couldna do it. My need for free will was too strong, but I would have been unable to deny the pull of my destiny had I stayed in my own time, so I left and built a life for myself in yer time.”
Progress. That had been easy enough. I continued on.
“The first time? That implies there was a second. What about that time?”
“I couldna outrun my destiny forever, lass. I went back briefly to help out those I should’ve been bound to. ’Tis a verra long story and one I swear to ye I will tell ye in full another day. ’Tis then that I lost my magic. I couldna stay in the past, but I needed to start anew. Laurel offered me her apartment, as well as funds to help me get started, and so, unable to pass up such a generous offer, I moved to Boston.”
Just that little bit of information made so many things click into place inside my mind. I leaned forward to kiss him, hoping the gesture would show him how much this meant to me.
“You told me the night we rode in the limo that you didn’t think you would ever return to Scotland. Why? What do you dread so much about being here?”
> He didn’t answer me right away, and I realized as I watched him that I wasn’t sure if he had really thought about the reason himself. Eventually, after a long moment, he spoke after giving me a shrug.
“There is nothing wrong with this place, or even this time. Much more good than bad happened to me here. I suppose ’tis only that I regret the choices I made here. Those choices hurt people I cared for. When I fled this time to live in yer own, Raudrich was forced to take my place at the isle. ’Twas a position not destined for him, and it upended the life he had always intended to lead. When I am here, I canna help but remember all the mistakes I have made, and it pains me.”
I squeezed his hand, gently. “You know that we all have mistakes we don’t want to be reminded of, right? You’re not the only one that’s messed up. That’s kind of a signature human trait.”
He shook his head and looked at me with sad eyes. “Not mistakes like the ones I’ve made.”
I thought of the little I knew of Raudrich thanks to Morna’s revelatory tea. “It seems to me that things turned out alright for Raudrich. Maybe all your decision did was allow things to turn out exactly how they were meant to.”
He shrugged again. “Mayhap so. Though I doubt it.”
I desperately wanted to press on, but I could see he was nearing his limit, and the last thing I wanted was to upset him when he was trying so hard to please me. Deciding to change the subject, I broached the last thing that had been picking at the edge of my mind all day.
“Okay. I just have one last question for you for tonight. But can we please agree that you’ll be more open to real conversations like this in the future? I have to be able to talk to you. And I have to know that you’re willing to trust me with all of you.”
He nodded and lifted my fingers to his lips to kiss them. “Aye, lass. I promise. What is yer last question?”
“I guess it’s not a question. Just a suspicion I have that I’d like you to confirm. You and Silva were a thing once, weren’t you?”
Love Beyond Boundaries (A Scottish Time Travel Romance): Book 12 (Morna's Legacy Series) Page 20