His hand trailed from my nape to my shoulder then down my arm to link his fingers with mine. “I know I’m asking for too much. I know you’re not ready. But give me what I need, and then I can control myself again. I’ll…I’ll go mad if I don’t.”
My stomach knotted into a thousand bows, pulling tight—so tight my womb clenched and a jagged bolt of delightful pain stabbed me. “You want me?”
“So fucking much I can’t see straight.” His nostrils flared. “I’ve been telling myself that it can’t happen. I wish I had more willpower. But then I think about all the firsts you’ve been denied, all that pleasure you’ve had stolen, and it makes me so goddamn angry. I’m blaming my needs on you. I’m fooling myself into thinking I’d be fucking you for you. To show you how sex should be.”
His voice dropped to a shot of merlot or warm whiskey. “I want to give you your first orgasm. I want to see what you look like when you come with my tongue between your legs.”
I jolted.
I physically tightened, spindled, and flinched in his arms. The reaction he left me with was visceral and far too intense to be real.
“Christ, Pim.” He groaned, backing away from me as if it tore him apart. “Then you go and do a fucking thing like that. Your eyes glow, and your skin heats, and you invite me to fuck you even though you’re probably terrified.”
Dragging his hands over his face, he grunted, “I can’t do this anymore. I need this for me. One time. Then it’s over.”
My heart pouted. That wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted him physically because for the first time ever, I wanted someone emotionally. He couldn’t give me everything he’d just described and then walk away.
But if that’s what it takes to get him to care for me?
To show him how much I cared without having to find the right words?
Did I truly need a written guarantee we’d be a couple once we’d slept together?
Elder thought he was the one with the power in this. That he had the choice about how and when and often we would be intimate.
That’s what he thinks.
If by some miracle I enjoyed it. If I didn’t have a panic attack and fell into old adopted habits, then he would regret surrendering. I would want him again and again—I would use him to claim everything that had been stolen from me.
He wouldn’t have a choice.
He would owe me regardless of his issues and desires to master me or warnings of obsession.
Elder moved to the door with stiff sharpness as if doing this hurt him more than I would ever know.
My selfishness suddenly made me sick. Once again, I’d only been thinking of myself. Elder had opened up last night. He’d shown me why he had rules and requirements.
If one night could help him with his issues, then who was I to expect more? I wouldn’t make it harder on him by doing the same things that were done to me. I would carry the scars for a lifetime. Elder already had enough to bear.
Unlocking the door, he glanced over his shoulder. “I’ve left a gift for you in the warehouse. Use your pickpocketing skills to find it. You’re not stealing from anyone. It’s meant for you. I’ll come find you when it’s time to leave.”
With a final heated look promising a night I’d never forget, he stalked from the office, leaving me to melt boneless against the table.
Chapter Seventeen
______________________________
Elder
WHAT THE FUCK was that?
How had I gone from talking like a rational human being with my staff to dragging Pim into a locked office and practically forcing her to give me a hand job?
My mind clouded, switching the willingness I’d seen in her gaze to the same wounded girl I’d saved from Alrik. How could I make her touch me after others had done such wrong to her? How could I even think she’d want to touch me?
But she had.
Didn’t she?
Didn’t her fingers wrap on their own accord? Didn’t her breath come faster and her skin flush hotter? Did I mistake the signs of reciprocal lust all because I craved her to the point of obsession?
Fuck, what had I done?
What about my promises the night before of not sleeping with her? What about all the shit I’d told her that I’d had no intention of ever telling?
I was breaking.
Fast.
What was I thinking?
Selix found me stomping back toward Charlton and the other managers. Now I’d decided this yacht was Pim’s, the interior décor and rooms had to be redesigned to suit her. I wanted something lush and opulent but homely and open.
I wanted her to be able to relax, knowing she was protected and safe from everything.
If she ever accepts it, of course.
“Ah, there you are.” Selix crossed his arms, looking ten times saner and more put-together than I felt. “Been looking for you.”
My blood imitated a rally car, zipping and crashing in my veins. I was anxious and about to jump out of my motherfucking skin. The farther I strode from the office where I’d left Pim, the more the dragon on my ribcage became alive and hissing, slithering over my flesh, desperate to return to her and order her to fix the goddamn ache between my legs.
If I didn’t have Pim beneath me, crying my name, coming….If I didn’t find a way to control myself before tonight…
Shit.
“What?” I barked. “What do you want?”
He didn’t flinch at my outburst, merely gave me a smug smile. “The team is ready to be briefed about your amendments.”
“Great.”
Just fucking great.
I had to go to a meeting and discuss logistics while my mind couldn’t stop thinking about Pim and my cock hadn’t got the memo to stop being so damn hard.
I brushed past him, subtly rearranging my hard-on. Getting rid of it while Pim still danced upon my thoughts would be impossible.
This was all her fault for showing up at my quarters last night. Looking so brave, so tempting. She’d flipped the tables and somehow made me be the one in need of comfort.
I didn’t like it.
I didn’t like the way she’d watched me with newfound courage and lust shining in her eyes. I hadn’t wanted to talk. I hadn't wanted anything to do with her. Yet she just kept pushing.
She did something she should never have fucking done.
She showed me she wanted me for herself. She convinced me that my touch was no longer abhorrent and my kiss was no longer a sin. She let me press her onto the bed. She let me—
Christ, man.
She’s just a girl.
A girl you need to stay the hell away from if you value all the control you’ve fought for.
That task would’ve been easier if she was just a girl—if she still watched me with terror. I could’ve ignored the throb to take her if I knew it would hurt her. Now, she invited me. She made it seem as if I hurt her by refusing her.
She made me believe that I could have her one more time and everything would be okay. That I wouldn’t fall. That I wouldn’t fuck it up. That I wouldn’t spend an eternity paying for the short amount of pleasure we’d find together.
No, it wasn’t worth it.
I’d find her and tell her I hadn’t meant what I’d said. That there would be no tonight. That things wouldn’t change between us.
It’s for the best.
Even as I tried to convince myself, I went against my reasoning.
Selix placed his hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”
I jumped a bloody mile, too obsessed with my own carrouseling thoughts.
Fuck it.
I couldn’t keep functioning this way.
I needed to have her.
Once.
One time where she participated fully. I’d take her pleasure. She’d take mine. We’d be equals in the electricity humming so damn strong between us.
Then and only then could I put my laws back into practice and return to my cool, collected lonely world.
“Just one room?” Selix asked innocently. Too innocently. “I’m guessing because you said an overnight bag for both you and Pim, there will be two guests.”
I gave him the finger and didn’t answer.
He knew exactly how many guests there would be.
And exactly what we’d be doing.
Chapter Eighteen
______________________________
Pim
IT TOOK ME a while, but I finally found it.
Ever since Elder stormed from the office, I’d sniffed around trestles and tools. I’d ducked into nooks and corners. I’d hunted through storage and knickknacks. In my treasure hunt, I came upon the silver photo frame I’d stolen previously, back where it belonged, covered in sawdust and glinting dully next to a rasp and hammer.
Elder had been true to his word and returned the item to its rightful owner.
My heart hugged itself with joy.
If he could keep such a flimsy promise—just to ease my conscience—then I could trust him to keep his promise that tonight would be mutual. That I could direct what would happen just as much as he could. That I had no need to fear the thought of sleeping with him because if it all became too much, I could say no, and he’d listen.
At least, I think he will.
We hadn’t discussed the rules. We hadn’t discussed much of anything. It seemed our voices were becoming drowned out by our bodies and their demands. Until we’d satisfied a physical conversation, I doubted we’d be able to have an intellectual one.
Picking up the gift Elder had hidden for me made my heart stop hugging itself and turn into a little hammer. Striking at my ribs, it pounded a tune I didn’t recognise. A tune slowly becoming known the more my fingers feathered over the origami prettiness. The paper gritty with warehouse dust, the soft green faded beneath wooden shavings.
That soft fluttering. That unmistakeable bubbling.
I’m…happy.
I was happy after years of being miserable.
I was happy because Elder made me feel valuable with his self-restraint and origami presents.
That was the true gift: the ability for me to find cheer in a world I thought I was ready to depart.
Bringing the origami closer, I inspected the firm folds and elegant, crisp lines. The little house was made from a hundred dollar bill, hinting, perhaps, at both past and present.
Did the four walls and the tiny roof represent his house on the hill where his mother had screamed at him or whatever place he’d take me tonight to see if we’d survive each other?
My imagination flowed heat through my veins as I pictured Elder's elegant fingers as he crimped the hundred dollar bill, forcing it to turn from rectangle to three-dimensional design.
When had he done it?
He was so talented, so hidden.
What other secrets did he harbour?
What other pain did he conceal?
Cradling the intricate paper home, I strode back through the warehouse.
I needed to find Elder and thank him. I needed him to know I was happy to take this token because it wasn’t stealing, merely claiming. It was meant for me. It had a momentary and emotional value attached. Elder still expected me to steal to pay him back. To buy my freedom based on his estimation of my worth.
Well, my first repayment would be this hundred dollar bill—if I ever had the stomach to destroy what he’d folded.
Until then, the gift was priceless, and I wouldn’t spend a penny of it.
Chapter Nineteen
______________________________
Elder
HÔTEL DE PARIS, Monte Carlo welcomed us with high foyers, marble colonnades, and stained glass skylights. The five-star hotel had housed celebrities and democrats, famously known for being a home away from home for Winston Churchill.
I’d stayed a few nights while searching for a house to buy and never forgot the discretion of attentive staff and smooth elegance of luxury.
Prowling through a hotel lobby should invoke sensations of relaxation and enjoyment at spending time in a new place and being looked after in utmost class. However, my back remained tight and upright, my hands aching from fisting.
Ever since Pim had found me and thanked me for the origami house, I’d been on edge. We didn’t discuss what would happen tonight, and when Selix appeared outside the warehouse with the car, she hadn’t asked any questions.
She didn’t demand to know if we were returning to the Phantom. She didn’t dawdle or pause as if having second thoughts.
She merely climbed inside and remained silent, turning into the quiet little mouse I’d rescued and not the bold little minx I wanted to fuck.
I almost preferred her that way. It gave me a reprieve and allowed protective instincts to shield her from outside threats as well as myself.
My stomach growled with hunger and stress. We’d stayed at the warehouse longer than I’d intended, mainly because the alterations to turn the yacht from Alrik’s to Pim’s included in-depth rearranging to switch warship to cruise liner.
Pim had been content to drift and watch, using her fingertips to draw sawdust patterns on the many work-tables and studying men and women of all ages transform wood and metal into a living vessel.
The intensity she gave everything was undeniably erotic.
I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. Selix stayed behind us as Pim walked beside me. Her head tilted to take in the twilight glittering through the round skylight above. Her mouth parted in wonder at the one-story sized flower arrangement in the centre of the hand-stitched extravagant carpet.
She drank in beauty as if she’d never seen such things. She basked in colour and decadence in a way that made me take a second look and appreciate it all the more. I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy her awe. It made me swell with pride as if I’d been the one to carve and whittle every masterpiece, cornerstone, keystone, and marble archway.
My stomach rumbled again while my cock throbbed with a different kind of hunger. All day, I’d entertained thoughts of Pim alone in a hotel room. Of taking her against the door or on the floor because I’d be unable to wait until we stumbled to the bed.
If she was any other woman, I would’ve acted out those fantasies. I would’ve gone hungry for the rest of the night if it meant a marathon of passion and climaxes.
But Pim was unique, and I was attracted to her because she was unique. Her strength and determination to even contemplate a night alone with me blew me away.
I wouldn’t destroy her trust or fledging acceptance of desire by using her for my own satisfaction. In fact, I would go one step further to ensure tonight was all about her, not me. That she would be safe from my needs.
If I could handle it, I would keep my dick in my pants and only focus on her.
As we crossed the massive foyer, Selix strode ahead to process our check-in. Slowing down, I touched Pim’s elbow, guiding her toward a large marble pillar to stand clear of milling guests, suitcases, and bellhops.
“Do you like it?” I asked, following her gaze as she glowered at a piano and an elderly man playing ‘Hungarian Rhapsody’. Her spine locked as the classical piece spread like perfume through the foyer, infiltrating every corner and shadow. The common fear whenever she heard music shone in her eyes. She swallowed and visibly shook herself free from the melody’s hold.
“Yes, it’s lovely.” She smiled distractedly, unable to tear her eyes away from the man’s fingers flying over the black and ivory keys.
I hated to see her so torn. I adored everything to do with music, and it upset me not to share that. I didn’t want tonight to be stolen thanks to her conditioning toward classical songs.
I’d tried to break those chains with my cello. Obviously, I needed to force her
to play more often. To sit her between my legs while my fingers kept hers trapped on the strings. To hold her close while I kissed the back of her neck and dragged my bow to create wonderful sounds.
I’d find an instrument she connected with and make her play and play until she was the maestro and no one else.
“It’s only notes and rhythm, Pim,” I murmured as tears glittered in her gaze as the melody reached its crescendo. Moving closer, my shoulder kissed hers. “I won’t let it hurt you.”
Her eyes met mine. She gave me a watery smile, growing firmer the longer she stared. “I know. It’s not as bad as before, but it will take time.”
Time we had now she no longer demanded her freedom. Time we didn’t have now I’d started the downward slide into hell.
One night could so easily turn into two, then three, then fifty. She would never be free of me.
Run, Pim…while you have the chance.
Selix returned, holding a key. “Diamond suite Charles Garnier. Two bedrooms. Almost as nice as the Diamond suite Winston Churchill but that’s not available due to renovations.”
I cocked my eyebrow at the two-bedroom remark. As far as I was concerned, one was all we needed. Pim had entered this hotel knowing full well what we would attempt tonight. She stood beside me willingly instead of screaming for help. She hadn’t grabbed the concierge or begged for the police. However, if she decided she didn’t want this to happen, then it would be wise to have two rooms.
Somewhere she could run to and slam a door in my face.
Somewhere I could go and beat up the fucking furniture in frustration.
“Thank you, Selix.” I took the key with a quick fist. “I’ll call if we need you.”
Selix frowned. “You don’t want me to follow you to dinner…just in case?”
I shook my head. “Not tonight. Just us.”
A fleeting fear of the Chinmoku extracting their revenge came and went. Then again, it had been years and they hadn’t found me. Tonight wouldn’t be their night.
Hundreds (Dollar Book 3) Page 13