When Ethan took a step toward her, she snuck the knife back onto the counter.
“You want to go outside?” she asked and moved past him to open the door, but Ethan stopped her and brought her to his chest. He didn’t say anything. Just held her.
She choked on a sob and tried to keep from shaking by reminding herself how much she’s grown since then. Gotten stronger. After a few minutes, air moved freely into her lungs and her heartbeat slowed to match Ethan’s.
He smoothed the back of her head, then reached out to open the front door. “Do you want to ride a little before we go?”
Relaxed and fully calm, she said, “But you don’t have your bike.”
“I know, but you can ride. Maybe show me some more of your sweet moves.”
Claire laughed and walked outside. Everything was okay. Ethan was there. Her father wasn’t. She sat down on the porch steps, letting the sun warm her skin. Ethan sat down next to her.
"Are you cool having Logan come with us tonight?" she asked.
Ethan was silent for a few seconds before he said, "I know he likes you. More than a friend, but he hasn't pressed the issue, which is good."
"Why's that?"
"I'd hate to have to knock him out."
"You'd fight him?"
"If he hit on you? Hell yes. He knows we're together."
Claire nudged his shoulder. "You don't have to worry, you know, about me and him."
"I would understand if you had feelings for him. How could you not? He’s been your best friend for a long time and has been there for you through everything. But,” he glanced away, “if you ever feel like you need to act on those feelings, do me a favor and end things with me. And then give me time to get out of town."
Claire studied him for a minute as he stared into the distance. Right now he didn’t look strong, despite how he always made her feel. Maybe he was more fragile than she thought. She reached up and turned his face toward hers. "You’re not going anywhere."
She dropped her gaze to his full lips.
Ethan noticed and did the same to hers. He raised his hand and gently touched her cheek, his thumb brushing across her parted lips. But he didn’t try to kiss her, which made Claire want him even more. She pressed her mouth to his, taking him off guard.
He kissed her back, moving his lips slowly, letting Claire decide the pace and intensity, which only grew. Her nerve endings became alive and she moaned. So this is what it was like to let go, to not think about anything but a single moment. She had never felt more free.
Just then her phone rang. She pulled away and smiled, staring into Ethan’s eyes.
He grinned back. “Are you going to answer that?”
Still smiling, she took her phone out of her pocket. "It's Logan,” she said and answered it. "Hey. How's it going?"
"Good. Just want to make sure you guys are still coming." Logan’s voice sounded strained.
"Of course we'll be there, but it’s still early. You okay?"
The line was quiet for several seconds. Finally, he said, “I’m good. See you soon."
He hung up before she could say anything else. She stared at the phone, puzzled.
"Everything cool?" Ethan asked.
She stuffed the phone back into her pocket. "I think so."
* * *
LOGAN WAS WAITING for them in the grocery store parking lot when they pulled up. He was leaning against his car looking anxious.
"What's up?" Claire asked him as she opened the passenger door.
"Nothing. Just want to get out of here," he said and ducked inside behind the steering wheel.
Claire jumped in next to him while Ethan climbed in back. Logan didn’t say anything as he pulled away. His hands were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, exposing white knuckles. Logan had probably had another fight with his parents. He used to talk to her about it, but lately he'd kept the battles to himself. A twinge of guilt ate at her. He clearly needed to talk to someone. She made a mental note to hang out with him next week like they used to do. Just the two of them.
A couple of hours later they arrived at the club. It was already dark even though it was only 7:30 p.m. A line of teenagers stretched around the outside of the tan stucco building and music blared from the windows. It was different than your typical club, but only because it allowed teenagers as young as seventeen in. They just had to wear a special wristband.
"Park down the alley next to the side door. By that red car,” Claire told Logan, pointing to Audrey’s car. "Looks like they’re already here."
"Cool. Maybe they'll have everything set up,” he said and parked the car. “What time do you guys go on?"
"Last I heard, nine." Claire opened her door and, with Ethan, followed Logan toward the side entrance. Logan opened the back door of the club, and they walked into a dimly lit hallway. It was in the rear of the stage where all sorts of wires and cords crossed over the floor. She was about to make a joke about it when a horrible smell accosted her nose.
"It reeks in here," Ethan said.
"Maybe because you're stepping in barf," a male employee said as he walked up, wheeling a bucket and mop.
Claire looked down. Sure enough the soles of their shoes were swimming in pink vomit. Each of them stepped out of the way.
"What happened?" she asked the employee.
"Someone from one of the bands got sick," he said, slopping the mop on top of the barf.
Claire’s heart raced. "It wasn't someone from Grave Addiction was it?"
"I don't think so. Is that who you're with?"
The swirl of the soapy water into the chunky pink on the floor was making her stomach churn. She nodded weakly.
“You might be going on early. I’d go check.”
"Sure, no problem. Which way is the band room?"
"Down the hall, first door on the right," he said, never looking up. He seemed to be entirely too fascinated by the watery mess on the floor.
She motioned the boys forward. Logan covered his nose, but Ethan didn't seem bothered by the smell at all.
They walked down the long hall. The walls were painted black and seemed to swallow what little light there was. The dressing room, if you could call it that, had the same depressing decor. All black.
Two other bands were in the same large room. One of them kept to themselves, huddled in the corner, discussing the lyrics to their songs. The other band, three members total, sat across from Steph and Audrey. Kate was on one of their laps strumming her guitar.
Steph looked over and smiled. "You guys made it."
"Wouldn’t have missed it.”
"Did you hear we're going on early?" Kate asked. The guy whose lap she was sitting on kissed her ear.
Claire frowned. "Then we better get practicing. Is everything unloaded? Do we need to set up?"
“Already done,” Audrey said shifting her weight away from Kate and scrunching her nose at the boy whose lap she was sitting upon.
"Why do you keep yelling?" the guy asked Audrey.
“Mind your own business,” I said.
Steph stood up. “Let’s practice in the corner.”
For the next little while Claire warmed up her voice by singing through each song while the others played along. Kate and Audrey strummed their guitars, the sound faint and distorted without the aid of an amplifier. Steph used the bottom of a couple of garbage cans to beat out a rhythm as her drum set was waiting off stage for the time they performed. Claire loved practicing like this. It reminded her of her childhood when they would all get together, barely twelve, and “play” for hours. They were terrible, but it was the only escape Claire had from her father’s abuse.
“I think we are as good as we’re going to get,” Kate said and set down her guitar. “Why don’t we take a break? We go on in twenty minutes anyway.”
“Fine by me,” Steph said.
Claire glanced over to Ethan and Logan sitting on the couch. Logan was typing something into his phone, and Ethan was reading a magazine
. She was hoping she’d catch them speaking to each other, acting like friends. Ethan looked up just then and smiled.
“We’re finished,” she said to him. “You want to go dance for a bit?”
Logan set his phone down, looking anything but happy. “Shouldn’t you warm up your voice some more?”
“Nah, I’m good.” She took Ethan’s hand and pulled him forward. "We'll be back."
"Don't be late!" Kate called after them. Claire waved goodbye.
Instead of taking her to the dance floor, which wasn't crowded yet, Ethan guided her to the second floor balcony. There was no one up there, and the privacy made her feel like they were two birds, perched high in a tree, away from others who were dancing below.
Ethan pulled her close. As if on cue the music changed, a slower beat, deep and long, that vibrated her insides.
"If we get separated tonight, look for me up here," Ethan said in her ear. “I left my phone in the car.”
Claire barely heard him over the loud music. She nodded and rested her head against his chest, wondering for the thousandth time how they had ended up together. She smiled to herself, marveling at how unpredictable life was.
As the minutes wore on, their private nest began to get crowded until both of them felt squished.
"Want to get out of here?" Ethan asked. He was practically shouting over the blaring guitar rift playing from the band on stage.
"Yeah. Let's go backstage. It's probably time anyway."
He grabbed her hand and led her down the metal circular staircase to the dance floor. This was harder than it appeared because several people had crowded onto the stairs, making it difficult for them to pass.
"It's packed out there," Claire said when she walked into the dressing room. The other bands were gone.
Steph had her drumsticks in hand, tapping them on a coffee table in front of her. "I know, right?"
"Where are Kate and Audrey?" Logan said. He looked like he was asleep with his eyes closed, chair tilted back against the wall, arms folded at his chest.
"They’re probably still watching Mike play backstage," Steph said.
Claire grimaced. "The guitar player out there? The one whose lap Kate was occupying?"
Steph nodded.
"How much longer?" Ethan asked.
"We're next." Steph stood up. “Let’s go make sure everything is ready to set up. They only give us ten minutes between sets.”
Ethan turned to Claire. "I'm going to go so I can have time to squeeze to the front."
"And I'll help you guys get everything on stage," Logan said and stood up. He came over to Claire and surprisingly took her hands in his, despite the fact that Ethan was standing right next to her. “You’re going to do great, like always. Break a leg.”
He held her gaze for just a moment, before letting go and walking by her.
Claire stared after him, her hands tingling where he’d been holding them. It was a sensation she had never felt with Logan before.
“That was weird,” Ethan said, his voice harder than usual.
Claire blinked and shook her head. “It was nothing. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
He clenched his jaw then leaned in and gave her a quick kiss. “Good luck.”
As soon as he was gone, Steph came up beside her. “Is it always like that with those two?”
“I don’t know what’s going on,” Claire said.
“Well you better figure it out. You’re playing with fire.” She walked by her.
Claire took her time following after Steph. She didn’t have romantic feelings for Logan, but then again he’d never touched her like that before either. The moment his fingers had pressed against the underside of her palms, she’d felt a passion, a heat that ignited her insides. It had momentarily dazed her. But now her thoughts had returned to Ethan.
Ten minutes later, though, Claire forgot all about Logan and Ethan and entered her own private musical world. Her voice, the lyrics, and the musical notes swirled around her, burning her soul. As if in a counseling session, her troubles melted away and when they finished almost an hour later, Claire felt like she'd been reborn.
"That was incredible," Steph said, still air drumming.
Audrey sighed as if she'd just been kissed. "Most amazing thing I've ever done." Her voice was normal, not at all loud.
Kate took hold of her arm, and Claire thought she was going to high five her or something, but instead she said, "I owe you an apology, Claire.”
"For what?"
"I have some major guilt about the whole money thing. I should never have taken it without you knowing. It was a jerk move. Just say the word and I’ll get it back.”
“It was a jerk move, but I get why you did it.” Claire glanced over at Steph who was laughing at something Audrey was saying. She didn’t want to think about the money or Gage ever again. She wanted to move forward with friends, the band and Ethan. “Just don’t ever steal from me again.”
Kate’s eyes widened, and she gave her a hug. “You got it.”
Claire squeezed her back then let go. "Now who wants to have some fun?"
Before anyone else could answer, Kate grinned and said, "I’m out. Let's meet here in an hour. I'm going to go find Mike." She disappeared before any of them could object.
“Anyone see Logan?” Claire asked. He was gone from backstage when they had finished their set, which was unlike him.
“I saw him heading into the audience when we started playing,” Audrey said, after lowering a water bottle from her mouth.
"You guys go on then,” Claire said. “I’ll wait here for a few to see if Logan or Ethan shows up.”
"You got it,” Steph said, tossing the drumsticks onto the couch. She and Audrey left the room.
Claire paced back and forth, to full of energy to sit down. On the dark walls were posters of legendary bands: Heart, The Doors, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and many more. She wondered if their reason for performing music was the same as hers: a way to cope with her past.
Eventually Claire grew restless and decided to go try and find the boys. She just didn’t realize how difficult of a task that would be. Moving through the crowds of people was about impossible.
She stuck to the perimeter, wishing she were a few inches taller to see over everyone’s heads. And calling for them would've been a waste of her voice. No amount of screaming could be heard over the last band of the night. They had so much bass in their music she could barely hear the singer.
Unable to find Ethan or Logan, she eventually made it to the other side of the room and to the stairs leading up to the balcony. She went up them and eventually squeezed her way to the railing. Leaning over, she peered into the crowd below. From this high everyone looked the same. Bobbing heads, twisted bodies, like one giant creature from another world. She leaned back and sighed.
Just then her phone buzzed inside her pocket. She pulled it out and looked down. One new text message from a number she didn't recognize. It read:
“You look delicious tonight. Love the dress.”
Her gaze jerked up and scanned the audience again, her heart pounding. When she didn’t see anyone looking at her, she texted back: “Who is this?”
It wasn't more than ten seconds later when she received back: “The giver of your dreams, the lover of your soul. I’m here, and I want you.”
She almost dropped the phone. Gage. Once again she scanned the area below. She didn't see anyone she knew, but he had to be here. She quickly shoved her way back down the stairs, fear tightening around her chest.
Claire glanced at everyone she passed until the room began to spin, and she couldn't tell one face from another. The air in the club was smothering, hot and musty from the sweaty crowd. The smell made her nauseous.
Finally she reached the hall leading to the back of the stage. She stumbled into it, blinded. At first she thought something was wrong with her eyesight, but after rubbing her eyes, she realized the hall lights were off. At the end was a thin stream of light be
neath the closed door of the dressing room. And not far from there, Claire knew she'd find the door leading outside.
Not liking the idea of creeping down a darkened hallway, she decided to run and risk the chance of tripping. Luckily she didn't trip, but she did crash into something solid. Hands gripped her arms tightly. In her mind, Claire saw Gage's cold eyes and twisted smile. She began to struggle, punching at the unknown person in front of her.
"Claire! Stop it. What's wrong with you?"
It took her a moment to realize she recognized the voice. "Logan?"
"Yeah. What's wrong?"
She fell against him. "Get me out of here. Please."
Logan wrapped his arm around her and guided her to the door. As soon as it opened, she stumbled into the night. Her hands pressed on her knees while she gasped for air. She thought she was going to throw up, but then Logan pressed his hand against her back and her stomach slowed its centripetal motion.
"What's going on?" he asked.
Claire straightened and tilted her head toward the dark sky. "I can't see the stars," she said, trying to think of something else.
Logan stepped in front of her. "Claire! What's wrong?"
She lowered her eyes to meet his. "He's here."
"Who?"
"Gage."
Logan's muscles tensed. "Where?"
"Inside somewhere."
"You saw him?"
"He sent me a text message."
"Let me see."
Claire handed him the phone. He quickly read over the messages. "I'm going back in."
He moved to open the door, but she stopped him. "No! Please don't leave me."
Logan’s eyes closed, and his jaw muscles bulged, but he stayed. "You should probably call Smith. Tell him about Gage. They'll want to know he’s here."
Claire nodded and dialed the police station. Smith wasn’t in so she explained to a deputy what was going on. He assured her they’d look into it.
When she hung up, Logan didn't say a word. He reached to take hold of her hand but hesitated. Claire didn’t care for any of that right now. She took hold of his palm, needing something to ground her.
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