I closed my eyes. And there it was. The catch. I had felt in my gut that something was wrong. This was the price of my freedom—losing the man I had considered to be my older brother for the last four years.
I heard movement as Gabriel’s impossibly large hands rested on my shoulders. I couldn’t look at him, not now, or I’d cry. “Jordan. Look at me.”
I shook my head. He sighed. “Please, promise me that you will not blame yourself. The Leviathan incident has changed everything we know. I bear no grudge towards you for what you’ve done. Know that. It is the truth.”
“It’s okay,” I murmured in a hoarse voice. “I understand. I do.”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “I have loved you since the day I laid eyes on you and I always will. I may not be around anymore, but I promise I will look out for you from afar. This is not goodbye, Jordan Amador. I swear it.”
“I know.”
A warm droplet hit my cheek and it was impossible to tell if it was his tear or mine. He inhaled deeply and then straightened up, collecting himself.
“Besides,” he said with a small, unsteady laugh. “I’ve brought you a present so you can’t be sad any longer.”
I forced myself to open my eyes then. Gabriel picked up a rectangular gift wrapped in golden tissue paper that had been sitting on the counter behind me. I tore it off, finding a large leather-bound journal with no name on the front. Inside, the pages were worn and faded. The untidy scrawl was familiar.
“Once he found out I’d been reassigned, Andrew told me to find this for you. It’s his journal from his days as a Seer. It became lost after he died, but I made some calls and managed to unearth it. I think it might answer some questions you have.”
“Gabriel, it’s…” I had to pause to swallow the lump in my throat. “Perfect. Thank you.”
“There we go. There’s my smile.” He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. I shut my eyes again and threw my arms around his neck. He picked me up, hugging me tight, as if he did it the right way, I’d never miss him even though I knew I would. I couldn’t recall how long the hug lasted because I didn’t want it to end, but eventually, he lowered me to the floor.
“Be strong, my sister, my heart,” he whispered before kissing my forehead one last time. Then he wiped the tears from my cheeks and walked away without looking back.
* * *
HOURS AFTER GABRIEL left, I was still sitting at the kitchen table, staring at my phone. Technically, I was a free woman. I wanted to call Lauren. I wanted to call her so badly, but every time I reached for the phone, I lost my nerve. She hated me now. I’d done something unforgivable to one of the only people who bothered to love me. How did I even start that conversation? How could I possibly apologize for that? “Hey, Lauren, sorry I forgot to tell you that I’m on the FBI’s Most Wanted list!” Yeah, that would end well.
My brain settled into this miserable thought pattern so deeply that I didn’t even jump when I heard a key in the lock. I glanced over at the door. I tensed, surprised to see Michael walk in. He had been running errands all day long to make sure that the Leviathan incident didn’t leave any loose ends that needed tying. It was his job to handle most of them now that Gabriel was out of the frying pan and into the fire. Michael was still a person of interest to the bureau, but he didn’t have a target painted on his back any longer now that I was pardoned.
“Hey,” I said, unable to keep from sounding hesitant.
“Hey.” He closed the door and locked it just like always, his voice also a bit hollow.
He walked over to the table and settled his hands on the back of a chair instead of taking a seat, which only made me more unsettled.
“I take it you talked to Gabriel.”
“Yeah.”
He winced. “I wish I could change what happened. I know how much you care about him and vice versa.”
“Why did you ask him to do that for me?”
Michael frowned. “Would you have let me go to jail for a crime I didn’t commit?”
“But that’s the thing, Michael. I did commit a crime, even if I did it to save people. You can’t just go around changing the system. It has consequences. Gabriel will have to basically start over now and that’s not fair to him. He’s worked so hard building that company.”
“Gabriel is stronger than you think. He’ll bounce back from this. He always does. Besides, he’s on this earth for eternity. You’ve only got one lifetime and I won’t let you spend the rest of it behind bars.”
“Look, I’m not saying that I’m not grateful for what the two of you have done. If I had a year, I couldn’t express the depth of my gratitude. But I’m just saying that I don’t know if you understand the gravity of this decision. It’s going to change everything.”
“Everything has already changed, Jordan. Everything.” The last word came out hushed. He glanced away, trying to hide a flicker of pain across his face. Something was wrong. Deeply, deeply wrong. Not just Gabriel’s situation, either. A cold spot filled my stomach and stretched outward.
He sighed before he began again. “Jor, I—”
“No, wait. Let me say something first.”
I stood up, leaning against the counter with my arms crossed beneath my chest. “This is not going to be easy for you to hear, but I’m supposed to be doing the right thing, so here it goes.”
I met his gaze. “I let Belial kiss me a few days ago.”
His jaw clenched. I kept going, even though it hurt like hell to see that furious look on his face. “I’ve been fighting my hardest not to become like him yet somehow, that’s exactly what happened. I’ve let this incident twist me into the worst version of myself. I’ve lied and stolen and indulged in awful things. This horrible event has made me see the truth. I’m not in love with Belial. I know that.”
I swallowed hard. “But part of me did like him, even though I know he is evil and he will never change. I think it’s because when I’m around him, I don’t have to watch what I say or care about how I treat him. Being around him seems to make me revert back to how I was before I met you. It’s like a reflex, I guess. I’m not saying it’s okay. I’m not saying you should understand that or accept it or forgive me for it. I’m just telling you the truth. I also want you to know that it doesn’t matter because I refuse to let my attraction to him ruin my life—or our life—again. I know who I am now. I know what kind of choices I’m supposed to make. So I can tell you in all honesty that something like this will not happen again because I won’t let it. You deserve better. It might not mean much to you now, but I will become a better person. A stronger person. A more worthy person. I’m asking you if there’s a second chance for us in the future. I know it’s not fair, but I have to find that out before we go any further.”
He didn’t respond right away, and that alone tore the hole in my heart wider. I forced the question out of my throat.
“Michael, do you still love me?”
A pained exhale escaped him. He touched my shoulders, tugging me closer, leaning down to my height so I could meet his gaze. “Jordan, I want you to listen to me carefully. I love you. I will always love you. I will love you until the stars turn cold and fall into the ocean and the mountains crumble and the universe unravels into the abyss. Nothing will ever change that: not you, or me, or some piece-of-shit demon. Nothing. And I am willing to give you a second chance and start over.”
He shut his eyes, steadying himself. “But I also need some time to myself. Time to forgive you. If I stayed here with you, now, I would just be angry and resentful and I wouldn’t treat you the way you deserve. There are some things inside me that I have to sort out before I can be the kind of husband I need to be for you. I need you to be patient and to have faith in me. Can you do that?”
I nodded, even though I wanted to say no, that he was wrong, that time apart wasn’t the right thing to do because it’d be easier for him to never come back if he wasn’t near me. I could feel him slipping through my fingers like sand, but I
couldn’t find the words to tell him to stay. He needed to forgive me. I had done terrible things. He deserved the right to be angry. He did.
The only thing I could squeeze out was a question. “How much time do you need?”
“A few weeks, a month at the most.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
He lifted my chin with his hand and kissed me, gently, as the tears rolled down my cheeks. My fingers gripped his shirt and trembled with the thought of letting him go, of letting him walk out that door without me. Tell him the truth. Tell him to stay. Tell him he’s wrong. Please, God, don’t let him leave.
He broke from my lips and bumped his forehead against mine. “I’ll call you, okay?”
“Okay.”
He walked to the door, stopped, and turned to look at me. His sea-green eyes were all that I could see as he spoke the same two words I had been hearing for ages.
“Te amo.”
“Te amo.”
The door shut behind him.
And I was alone once more.
Epilogue
REALISTICALLY, I SHOULDN’T have called him, but it wasn’t like my judgment was any good these days. Maybe it would get better over time. And maybe I’d win the lottery and end world hunger.
“Yeah?”
“Is that how you always answer the phone?”
A pause. “What? You want me to recite a sonnet instead?”
I rolled my eyes. “No, but you could be more polite.”
“I’ve lived in Detroit for thirty years. Polite’s not in my vocabulary, girl. And why are you callin’? You out of trouble or did you get yourself into more of it?”
“I’m out. For good, so far.”
“Should I ask how?”
“No. Mostly because you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Well, they stopped showing your name on the news, so it’s got to be legit. I’m guessing it was that blond guy you were with at the riverside. Heard his name before. He’s definitely somebody.”
I fought a cryptic smile, mostly because he wouldn’t be able to see it anyway. “You have no idea.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but what’s up? Doesn’t seem like you to call for a chat. Need something?”
“No, I, uh, just wanted to make sure you got to your flight alright.”
“I’ll be on board in a little while.” He paused again. “You sure you’re alright?”
“What makes you think I’m not?”
“The whole ‘accused of murder’ thing, for starters,” Lewis said with heavy sarcasm. “And there’s the fact that you sound like you want to jump off the Empire State Building.”
My throat tightened. How could he possibly hear that in my voice? I hadn’t known him that long. Maybe he really did have paternal instincts deep down. I bit my bottom lip, trying to figure out how to throw him off the scent.
“I’m fine.”
“Bullshit. You could have just texted to ask if I was at the airport. If you need to talk, then talk. What’s wrong?”
I rubbed my forehead, attempting to shove my insecurities back inside my skull, but I knew it was pointless. He’d caught me red-handed. “It’s nothing life-threatening, I promise. It’s just…I did some pretty bad things and now I’m alone for the first time in years. It’s starting to get to me.”
“Alone? Where the hell’s your husband?” Offense made his voice reach a higher pitch. It was almost funny.
“He’s taking some time off. Needs to clear his head.”
“You don’t take time off in a marriage. Even I know that. What happened? Was it another girl?”
“No, of course not.”
“Another guy?”
“Sort of.”
“You sleep with ‘im?”
“No. But I wasn’t Wife of the Year either.”
“He say when he’d be coming back?”
“Yeah.”
“You believe him?”
I winced. “I want to.”
“Mm. Been in that boat before, trust me. Your mom and I split up for a couple months about two years into our marriage.”
“Why?”
“She was a headstrong woman and I didn’t like apologizing. Can’t remember what that particular fight was about, but it was a big one.”
“How did you fix it?”
“Wasn’t really us if you ask me. It was fate. One day I went for a walk and stopped to get a snack at a vendor. After I got out of line, she was there. Madrid’s not a small place. That wasn’t a coincidence. Your mother, she believed in signs. She believed we couldn’t give up just yet since someone had gone through a lot of trouble to put us in the same place at the same time. So I decided to nut up and said I was sorry and we made up.”
“So you think the universe will make everything right, huh?”
“Sneer if you want, girl. I’m just telling you what I know. There’s no way your husband went through all that trouble of giving me that speech just to ditch you for good. I’ve only met the guy twice, but even I can tell he’s got it bad for you. He’ll come around.”
“What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Both of my best friends are no longer speaking to me, I got fired for being a felon, and every time I leave the house, I get stared at like a freak of nature. I don’t know what to do with myself any more. I just…”
I stopped, breathing deep to calm down. “I’m lost. I’m just lost.”
“Welcome to the real world, Jordan. Everything hurts and then you die.”
A bitter chuckle escaped me. “Thanks.”
“I mean it. I can’t tell you how to get through this. All I can tell you is that you’ve made it this far and it’d be stupid to quit now. Your story ain’t finished, girl. It’s just hit a rough spot. You’ll pull through. It’s in your blood.”
I heard a soft ringing sound and then the distant echo of the airport staff calling the flight’s passengers over to start lining up.
“Listen, I gotta go,” Lewis said. “But I’ll call you when I land and you’d better pick up, y’hear?”
“Yeah. I will.”
“Alright. Keep your head up.”
“Thanks.”
“Told you not to thank me.”
“Well, you did say I was stubborn.”
He laughed. “Yeah, I did. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I hung up and shoved the phone in my pocket, leaning my head against the lamppost behind me. The liquor store sign still glowed an impassioned, tempting red but I no longer had the urge to go inside. I would hold for now.
I pocketed the phone and walked back to my apartment next door. My old cell phone had literally dozens of voicemails on it from everyone I knew asking about why I had been a suspect in a murder investigation. Colton had called three or four times, but I didn’t call back. At work, three no-call, no-shows meant instant termination, and as much as I hated getting fired, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had only shown him and my coworkers half of who I was. It wasn’t fair to stick around and keep lying to them, especially if my presence would bring bad press to the restaurant. I would miss the Sweet Spot, but it would live on without me. So would Lauren and Lily.
When I got home, I collapsed in front of my laptop and screwed around for a while before losing interest. My eyes eventually wandered to Andrew’s journal, still sitting where I’d left it the night before.
I cracked it open for a read and twisted my mother’s rosary around my fingers as I read. As of late, it seemed to be turning into a habit of mine. Thankfully, my mother had been about the same size and body type as me so the cross hit me at my bellybutton rather than dragging too low. The teeth marks were a surprisingly nice reminder of happier times gone past. So far, I was starting to build a pretty little pile of items with memories in them—first, Andrew’s duster, then my mother’s diary, then Andrew’s letters, then her rosary, and now Andrew’s journal.
Andrew wrote in a very peculiar fashion—dropping subjects random
ly kind of like Rorschach from the Watchmen graphic novel by Alan Moore. Still, it was easy to hear his gruff but lovable voice in the pages. It made me feel less lonely and I needed that while I waited for Michael to come back. I was taking it one day at a time. It wasn’t going well, but I tried to have faith in him like I promised. Tried my hardest.
About thirty pages in, it occurred to me how rare it was that I had something from a Seer on paper. Wouldn’t hurt to save a copy in case shit hit the fan again. I opened a new Word document and began transcribing it page by page. My lips mouthed the words as my fingers flew across the keyboard, and soon I was consumed in Andrew’s diction once again. His world and my world turned out not to be too different. Maybe someday, I would pass this down to Juliana and she could learn from it as well. After all, it was my responsibility to look after those who had no one else to fight for them. Well, Andrew said it best.
This job, it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I see things that would make a normal person’s brain turn into jelly and pour out his ears. It’s pain and horror and ugliness. It’s a lot of hotel rooms, a lot of dive bars, and a lot of nightmares. It’s scars and empty bottles of Jack Daniels, and one night stands when things get too bad. But I do it anyway. Why? Probably because I’m too ruttin’ stupid to do anything else. Probably because I can shoot the wings off a fly from a hundred yards while being chased by a wildebeest at night. Probably because I can kick the ass of any demon stupid enough to cross my path.
But I’ll tell you one thing. Even though this shit will wear you down and make you doubt everything you’ve come to know about the world, you still gotta do it. Do the work. Get up in the morning. Pour yourself some coffee. Hell, slip a little Bailey’s in there if you’re feeling frisky. Strap on your boots. Sharpen your knives. Clean your guns (that shit is important, trust me). Open that door and do your damn job. Do it because they can’t. Do it because you can. Do it because you’re supposed to and because someone in this world deserves to wake up with their family alive and happy thanks to something you did. Demons, they want you to believe that nothing we do will change the future, but they’re as wrong as they are butt-ass ugly. What you do—what we do—matters. At the end of the day, that should be your reward. Never forget that, kid.
Paranormal After Dark Page 249