by Jane Linfoot
The day he started with the whitewash, Beth turned up with some alcohol-free Prosecco, Malcolm took away some of the metal buckets we’d bought in bulk in Falmouth and brought them back planted with cascades of blue and pink flowers, and Loella made a special bunting garland out of a strand of rope with matching felt flags to go over the doors. Then Barney put some of the Falmouth chairs around a huge trestle table he brought into the courtyard in front of the stables, and everyone from the barn yard shared their picnic lunches and had fizz in the sun.
As for the weather, last week’s baking has turned to scorching. When Barney’s leftover jeans arrived they were in a soft, tall, ironed pile and Aunty Jo said they smelled of the same apple blossom Lenor she swears by. When I finally decided I’d expire if I wore overalls another day, I chopped the first pair off just above my knees. By lunchtime I’d cut another couple of chunks off, but I’d stopped expiring from shock every time I caught a glimpse of my legs. By Friday they were so short my over-sized T-shirt was just skimming them, and I’d given up giving a damn about showing my thighs. This week I took the scissors to the T-shirts and hacked them into vests. As I put the final coat of paint on the cupboards I’m painting in the shade of Barney’s open-fronted workshop, I’m finally cool.
‘When did you get freckles on your nose, Edie Browne?’
I’m pleased it’s Cam who’s asking rather than Barney, because since the Bridget Jones day Bella’s been on his case like the workplace police. As Cam shuffles beside me, hitching up his school bag, I can’t help noticing his own freckles are even cuter since the sun brought more out.
‘Shall I tell you something no one knows?’
‘A secret?’ His eyes light up.
‘I always had freckles but they were under my make-up.’ I might be selling a few customised deckchairs on Etsy, but I’m not rich enough to waste luminous Laura Geller when it’s so hot it slides straight off. After a week battling foundation streaks and sweat rivers I decided to go bare until the freakish hot weather turns colder again. It’s the same as having my legs out in public – once the sun goes in, I’ll go back to caring. For now it’s just too boiling to give any damns.
‘What’s make-up?’ It’s easy to forget it’s all guys at his house.
As Barney appears in the doorway I won’t mind if he joins in with an answer. ‘It’s like paint for your face, mostly used by girls, but it’s fine if boys use it too.’ That’s one answer Bella couldn’t argue with.
‘When it was Mia’s party my face was stripy.’ Cam’s nodding like he’s an expert.
‘That’s because you were a tiger. Edie’s face paint was more the colour of rosy cheeks, it’s what grown-ups use to look extra pretty.’ Barney’s grin in my direction is also him checking he hasn’t made any blunders.
‘And today I’m going to be a pirate.’
Barney’s nod backs him up. ‘That’s why he’s back early, we’re off to see a special boat.’
‘So can Edie Browne come with us?’
There’s a beat of silence. ‘She can if she’d like to.’ If he was momentarily thrown, as Barney turns to me he’s found his inner chill again. ‘Cam’s dad was working on this one for years before …’ He tails off, then picks up again. ‘It’s a good chance to show Cam when it’s moored up nearby.’
‘Then we’re going bodyboarding in the sea because I got my twenty-five metre swimming badge.’
Barney’s looking bemused. ‘Another rite of passage which is news to me! Apparently there’s a beach with age-appropriate waves, so we’ll call in there on the way home.’ He grins at Cam again. ‘Not forgetting Friday ice creams at the Surf Shack. As trips go, this one’s hard to refuse?’
There’s a gap where my reply should be, but the space is loaded with how much he’s expecting me to come through on this. And I’m not forgetting how much I owe him. It’s only thanks to Barney’s straight talking that I’m getting on better. But I’m weighing all that against wanting to minimise the time I spend around him. He still makes me feel as if I’d rather not hang out with him until there’s a way better version of me on offer.
‘My best part will be the ice cream.’ That’s Cam cutting in.
‘We all love those surfie sundaes.’ I’m throwing out an excuse for him.
‘It would be good for you to understand, that’s all.’ The stare Barney sends me over Cam’s head is enough to make up my mind. ‘I could do with the backup.’
‘How long have I got to get ready?’
‘Rub the paint splashes off your forehead and you’ll be good to go.’
‘Is it Dress Down Friday then?’ My mind flashes to the last time I went on a boat trip with Barney. ‘We’re not wearing buoyancy aids?’ As I stare down at my ragged vest and shorts, remembering casual Fridays is a giant leap back towards the office world.
‘It’s Penzance not Monte Carlo, best not go to too much trouble.’ He takes in my puzzled frown. ‘And we won’t be setting off to sea this time.’
‘Got you.’
Which is why I end up throwing away my last scrap of pride and leaving town pretty much as I am. As I clamber into the truck I’m in a cleaner version of what I was wearing before, with a dash of nude lippy and the flip-flops I got for one of those two-pound coins from the shed by the harbour so I didn’t wreck my Roxy ones working. My hot tip for summers kicking around Cornwall in cut-offs – if you put your feet up on the dashboard to travel, your legs don’t stick to the van seats and your thighs look way narrower when they’re hanging down instead of spreading out. Any resemblance to similar musings Bridget Jones may have made is entirely accidental and nothing to do with us being alike in any way, or the fact that Barney’s still sticking to the same soundtrack. Singing along to All by Myself very loudly with Cam as we bowl along the roads means I get to the end of it for the first time in forever without tears streaming down my face. But I can’t help thinking a Captain Jack Sparrow soundtrack might have been better.
As we leave the car and whistle the dogs across the quayside in Penzance, with its proud stone buildings and neat, colour-washed houses reflecting in the glossy dark brown harbour water, Barney’s lips are twitching into a smile. ‘So what do you think?’
‘Tell me what I’m looking at, I’ll let you know.’ I’m staring at rows of little boats like the one we went out on last time, all bobbing about along the pontoons. As we get closer to where the harbour edge drops off to the inky water, I reach for Cam’s hand and clasp it tight.
‘This is the one.’ As Barney comes to a halt in front of a huge boat moored against the quayside Cam and I exchange disbelieving glances.
Cam’s eyes are shining. ‘But it’s a real pirate ship.’
‘And it’s enormous … and magnificent.’ Not that I’m an expert. But with its immense masts not only could it have sailed straight in from a period drama, it also dwarfs every other boat in this part of the harbour.
Barney shrugs. ‘It’s a sixty-foot ketch.’
Cam’s joining in. ‘But where are the sails?’
‘They’re rolled up when the boat’s in the harbour, otherwise the wind would catch them and blow the boat out to sea.’
If I was puzzled before, now I’m confused. ‘Can we have some back story on this please, Barney?’
‘When Cam was smaller, his dad and I built and fitted out boats. Mostly they were more modern, but this one was what Cam’s dad spent all his spare time working on before Cam came along.’
I’m struggling to take it in. ‘Sorry, where was this?’ Back in the day doesn’t really cover it.
‘In the boatyard we owned, further down the coast.’ He smiles down at Cam. ‘Do you remember Arnold and Barnaby’s yard? The one with the big stone gateposts with lions on.’
Cam’s nose wrinkles. ‘I was scared of the lions.’
For the moment I hold in my astonishment that I’m not the only one here to have had a complete other life, and turn to the boat. Even without the sails the boat is impressive, with its
timber top cabin and dark blue painted sides, and the masts stretching high into the air, with the rigging criss-crossing down to the deck.
Barney nudges Cam. ‘And can you see what the writing on the side says?’
Cam’s voice goes high. ‘Cameron? It’s got the same name as me.’
My heart’s dissolving in my chest. ‘How special is that?’
Barney gives Cam’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. ‘Cameron’s Star is the name of the boat, it’s where your mum and dad found your name.’ He looks over Cam’s head to me. ‘It’s not always easy to find a meaningful way for Cam to connect with the past.’
I’m swallowing hard. ‘I think you nailed it this time.’
Cam’s hopping up and down, tugging Barney’s T-shirt. ‘How do we get onto it?’
I’m staring down at a ridiculously long narrow and wonky gangplank. ‘Surely not?’
Barney’s got a determined note to his voice. ‘We hold onto the side ropes, look straight ahead, and we’ll be fine.’
I let out a groan. ‘You might as well tell me to jump straight into the harbour. Make sure you hang onto Dustin and Robert.’
He laughs. ‘Think yourself lucky. If she was anchored further out you’d have to climb on board up a rope ladder from a dinghy.’
Cam’s stretching out his hand. ‘Come on, Edie, hold on to me, it’s too exciting not to.’
‘And when we get on board, there are stars your dad carved.’ He turns from Cam to me. ‘A thousand stars, that’s way too good to miss, Edie.’
And he’s right. Once we get onto the solid timber deck, they’re all over the boat. Spiraling up the mast in clusters, on the handles on the ship’s wheel, carved into the panelling on the side of the stairs that plunge below deck. And in the cabins they’re like the Milky Way, stretching across the ceilings over the bunks.
Barney’s smiling down at Cam. ‘I remember when your mum was waiting for you to be born. Your dad was so excited, all he’d think about was carving the stars on your boat, and planning the adventures you’d have together when you were older.’ He points at the dark blue quilt covers covered with gold stars. ‘And your mum made these too.’
When Barney said ‘special’, I had no idea he meant this much.
His smile is tinged with sadness as he watches Cam clambering on the bed, and peering out through the star-shaped porthole surround. ‘Your dad’s friends and I are taking care of it for now, but one day when you’re old enough, Cameron’s Star will be yours, just like your dad meant it to be. You’ll be able to sail off for pirate trips of your own, how good will that be?’
Cam’s eyes are huge as he stands on the edge of the bed. ‘You and Edie will come with me?’
‘If you want me on your crew, Cam, I’m in.’ I’m thinking of Tiddlywink and Wilf, how their bedrooms are so colourful and rammed that Tash has to follow storage bloggers on Instagram so she can get tips to tame the chaos. How Cam should have had all that too with his mum and dad, and how they aren’t here to pass on all the hopes and dreams they had for him.
As I see how exposed and pale and vulnerable the nape of his neck looks above his lopsided T-shirt, my chest is aching for him. Simply because he’s one little person, who’s so small, but surely deserves so much more than he’s had, I want to put my arms around him and hug him and not let go. As he turns I can’t stop myself holding out my hands. ‘Shall I lift you down?’ He comes towards me, and for a moment he puts his hands around my neck. As I pick him up he’s warm but almost weightless in my arms. Then I turn and carefully stand him back on the polished wood floor.
And when he runs off back to the galley I don’t follow him until I’ve got every wrinkle out of the starry quilt cover, and blown my nose, and looked out to imagine how his mum must have felt as she sewed those curtains. By the time I get back to them, Cam and Barney are waiting by the stairs.
‘So are we all up for bodyboarding?’ Barney’s staring at me expectantly as Cam bounds upwards onto the deck. ‘There’s a towel and a wetsuit in the car, and changing rooms at the beach.’
‘But you know I hate water?’
‘That’s why you’re perfect to swim with Cam. It’s great for him to have someone to show off to.’
‘So I’m here because I’m shit?’
‘But best of all, you laugh about it.’ He’s rubbing his forehead. ‘Only joking, we had to bring you. We smile a lot more when we’re with you than when we’re not.’
With compliments like that, who needs insults? But deep down, it’s actually good to be wanted. And somehow Barney was right. Seeing Cameron’s Star had let me understand more, but knowing what Cam should have had makes my heart break even more for him.
33
Day 226: Friday, 15th June
Back in St Aidan
Epic Achievement: Beginning to understand.
When we finally get back to St Aidan the seafront is busy so Barney drives around and parks at the end of the harbour. Cam and the dogs jump down from the truck and hurtle along the path that winds past the house with balconies on the front and down to the beach. As Barney and I follow I have to admit something.
‘I need a Friday sugar rescue after that.’ He probably thinks I mean the hour of hurling myself into the sea and being tumbled off my board by waves which turned out to be a lot more fun than I’d expected. If I’d known how warm wetsuits made you, I might have gone in the sea before. But needing a pick-up is more about how wrung out my heart feels.
Barney sighs. ‘Cam came to the Surf Shack every Friday with his mum and dad. It was Rach and Bobbie’s ritual, and we’ve always carried on.’
My stomach contracts again. ‘So what happened?’
He’s shaking his head. ‘They’d both sailed since they were Cam’s age, so they knew what they were doing. Then one afternoon they took a racer out from the yard to test some new rigging we’d done. The weather turned, Rach hadn’t clipped on and she went overboard. Bobbie went in to save her, and we lost them both.’
‘Oh my.’
‘Like most accidents, it was senseless. Bobbie and I were best mates at school. We bought the boatyard as a wreck when we left, and spent every waking hour for the next fifteen years building it back up again. I considered keeping it on after the accident, but it was too much, with Cam to look after too. So when someone made a good offer, I accepted.’
‘You lost your best friend and your business.’ I’m kicking myself here. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Of course he knows about hurting, the anguish in his eyes is making my chest ache for him.
‘It was tough. Bobbie and Rach didn’t have any family left so when Cam was born I agreed to be his guardian if anything happened to either of them, never thinking it would.’ He’s watching Dustin chasing the foam on the breakers, splashing as the tide froths up the beach. ‘Letting go of everything we’d worked so hard for was a killer. One minute we were running a thriving boat-building and repair business, the next I was up the lane with a three-year-old, a few wrecked barns, and only my carpentry skills to fall back on.’
‘You didn’t want to stay with boats?’
‘After what we’d lost I couldn’t even bear to look at one, let alone work on them.’ He pulls a face. ‘I’d already started to renovate the buildings along the lane so we moved in there and worked on them full-time. Then one day Beth and Loella dropped by with a photo of a shepherd’s hut, and what I liked most was that you couldn’t sail in it. That push gave me a new direction I needed, and the rest, as they say, is history. But it was never easy, I went to hell and back along the way.’
‘While caring for Cam too.’ No wonder Beth and Loella always implied he’d done well. ‘Did you have anyone close to help?’
He pulls a face. ‘I was seeing someone at the time of the accident, but she didn’t stick around. Cam was always my priority, it wasn’t fair on either of us to think about anyone new.’ He kicks at the sand. ‘Sometimes Cam kicks off, others he withdraws, but however many counsellors we see, they’re never going t
o be able to bring his parents back.’
‘It’s so hard on him.’ I can’t help feeling wretched about how I misjudged Barney to begin with when he’s been so willing to put himself on the line for Cam.
‘It’s not what any of us would have chosen, but I try to do my best for Cam. I might be a guy on my own without the first clue how to parent, but I’m going to do my damnedest to make sure he gets all the love and care and stability I can give him.’ He kicks at a stone. ‘When your world’s turned upside down like Cam’s has been, there’s no knowing where you’ll find your comfort or who’s going to help you. I mean, no one could have predicted he’d find a Bridget Jones lookalike next door who would make him believe he could read and write just as well as everyone else, and had a never-ending supply of Unicorn cakes. No one’s ever made him feel that special or wanted before. I couldn’t be more grateful to you for being there these last few months and making his life so much better.’
My mouth’s full of saliva, my throat too choked to swallow, and I haven’t even got a sleeve to wipe my nose on, so I sniff and swipe my wrist across my eyes to clear away the tears. Just when I thought I was getting my emotions under control, now they’re all over the place again. Except this time I’m not crying for myself, and I’m not crying for no reason. I’m crying for everything Cam has had taken away from him, and for this beautiful man with the huge, huge heart, who’s trying so desperately to give him what he needs. All I can hope is that Cam settles in and finds someone else to lean on and be his friend before I leave. Because that really isn’t too far away. Which I’ll have to remind Barney about soon too, just not now.
‘No problem, any time.’ I finally manage to squeeze the words out. ‘Did you say ice cream?’
34
Day 226: Friday, June 15th
The Surf Shack