“Yes, you can.”
Relief and gratitude filled his gaze. “You’d do that for me? You’d move into the house?”
I’d be strong. If it killed me.
“You guys are family.”
“It would only be for six months.”
“What about Kaitlin?” I loved the way her name rolled off my tongue. “Will she be okay with a new roommate?”
I knew she wouldn’t. Four years of avoidance and silence told me otherwise.
“Of course,” Jesse frowned. “She adores you.”
Adored. Past tense.
I lifted my beer bottle to my lips, avoiding responding to that. “When do you leave?”
“A week. When do you get back here?”
“I just need to tie up some loose ends, pack and drive up here. Should be here in a week give or take a few days.” I checked my watch. “Speaking of which, I should probably head to the airport. I have a flight to catch.”
“You need a lift?”
“Nah, I can take a cab.”
I tossed some cash on the table. We shook hands.
“I’ll try to be back here before you leave.”
He grinned. “I can’t thank you enough.”
“You guys are family.”
“You sure you don’t want to take a later flight and come over for dinner?”
Temptation rolled over me. “I should get back. I have an early meeting tomorrow."
"I can't believe you're coming back to Vancouver. Kaitlin is going to be so excited."
I knew the opposite was true, but it didn't matter. The time had come for Kaitlin and me to figure a way forward. We had messed up. I’d given us both plenty of time to forgive and forget, and now I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be.
* * *
"Something smells really good in here," Jesse stepped in the backdoor. “I’m starving.”
“I saved you a plate.” I got up. “Have a seat, I’ll get your plate ready.”
He moved to the fridge to get a beer. “How’s school?”
“Good. Were you working late?”
“Nope. I met Zach for a beer.”
I almost dropped his plate. I worked to keep my face devoid of emotion. “Oh.”
My heart pounded at the mere mention of Zach’s name. I waited for Jesse to tell me more, anything, but he remained silent on the subject.
“I want to talk to you about something.”
“Sure,” my mind raced. I missed Zach. For a long time, I had blamed him for what happened, but the shame lay at my feet. I was the one who had ruined our friendship.
“You know how I applied to be part of the undercover unit?”
“Yeah.” Not only had I ruined our friendship by crossing a line I knew I shouldn’t cross, when he stopped me, I had pushed Zach away in anger and pain. And now that shame was mine to own. I had acted reprehensibly. I knew I should reach out and try to repair that relationship, but the gap felt too big, too impossible to overcome.
“I got accepted.”
It took a moment for Jesse’s words to pierce my thoughts. I lifted my head. He stood there, watching me with a concerned expression on his face.
“You got accepted to work undercover?” Jesse was a police officer and his dream had always been to be a detective. Going undercover was a step towards that dream. “Jesse, that’s amazing.”
“It’s a six-month assignment.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“They’re sending me to work in Toronto.”
I felt my smile slip a fraction. “Okay. That’s okay.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“Your worry is unfounded,” I lied.
“I don’t want you to be here by yourself.”
“Jesse,” I forced a fake note of amusement in my voice. “You do realize that I’m the same age as you were, when Dad passed away? I can handle it.”
“I wasn’t alone when Dad passed, you were here with me.”
“It’s going to be fine.”
“I can’t go undercover unless I have complete focus. And I can’t focus if I’m worried about you.”
Fear rippled through me. “You need to learn to shut that shit down.”
“I asked Zach to move in.”
Time slowed down. My heart did too. “What?”
“And he agreed.”
“You asked Zach to move in here?” I felt the blood rush like a bad buzz through my brain. “But he lives in LA.”
“He just transferred to Vancouver.”
What?! Zach was moving back here?
“When did that happen?”
“He flew in to sign the contract today.”
“He doesn’t need to get involved. I’m fine on my own.”
“He agreed.”
“He agreed?” My voice pitched up an octave. “What exactly did he agree to?”
“He’s going to move in here while I’m gone.”
I felt so lightheaded, I thought I’d faint. “You know that’s not necessary.”
“I thought it be nice for you to have some company,” Jesse looked genuinely baffled.
Comical that a moment ago, I had been lamenting that I should reconcile with Zach but the moment that became a distinct possibility, my own reaction was to run in the opposite direction.
Humiliation is a powerful emotion.
Think.
“I want to be on my own,” I lied. “I’ve never had a chance to live on my own.”
“Kaitlin.”
“Jesse, please. Let me do this.”
“Why do you want to live alone?”
I don’t. I just don’t want to see Zach.
I worked to lighten my tone, “Come on. Haven’t you ever wanted to be on your own?”
He looked thoughtful. “I don’t know.”
“I think it’d be good for me, don’t you?”
“I already told Zach he could move in.”
“You know and I know that the last thing a professional hockey player wants is to babysit some 22-year-old. He needs his own space. What he doesn’t need is to be stuck in the past here with me.”
“I’ll talk to him.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah, I will.”
I moved up to my room and lay on my bed, thinking about that awful night.
* * *
Four years ago
I escaped from the living room that was crowded with well-meaning friends who looked at me with identical expressions of pity and sympathy. Without putting on my coat, I slipped out the back door, walking rapidly across the backyard, unsure where I was going, my only intent to escape.
I stopped at the big gliding swing chair that Dad had built for Mom. I sat down, too numb to cry, too scared to feel what I knew I’d one day need to feel.
“You okay?”
That voice. Zach. My brother’s best friend. I lifted my face to his. “Everyone else asks me that question and I feel like screaming. When you ask me that, I don’t.”
He shrugged off his suit jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. His warm, masculine scent lingered around me. It was the best smell in the world. He sat down beside me. How did he know that he was the only one I wanted to be near? He was the only person I could stand through this nightmare.
We didn’t speak for a long time. Both of us watched the house. People I barely knew, stood in the living room and kitchen, laughing and eating, like this was a fucking party.
“Why are they laughing?” My voice was small.
“Because they’re assholes.”
Shame washed over me that I had left Jesse in there, to handle that crowd by himself. “Jesse?”
“Hiding out in the garage. Working on the car.”
The car Dad and Jesse had worked on since Jesse was a kid. That made me feel so bad I almost couldn’t breathe. “I’m sad.”
“I know.”
“How can Dad be gone? He was just here. Joking and laughing.”
Zach didn�
��t respond.
“They said his heart gave out. They said it was quick.”
“I know.”
“He was even at the hospital when he had his heart attack. He had just brought someone in and then he collapsed. They had the best doctors in the hospital working on him.”
“Jesse told me.”
“But he still died.”
“He did.”
We continued to swing in silence while I processed that. Every time I seemed to come to terms with the fact that Dad was dead, I seemed to need to re-accept that fact a few hours later.
“When will this become real?”
Zach put his big arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer. “I don’t know.”
“I feel bad for Jesse.”
I could feel Zach look over at me. “Why?”
“Because now he’s going to feel like he needs to take care of me.”
“He’s your brother. Of course, he’s going to take care of you.”
“I’m 18. I can take care of myself.”
“Why don’t you take care of each other?”
I nodded. That sounded like a better plan. “Okay.”
I lifted my face to Zach. His features were cast in shadows, but his eyes stared back at me. “I don’t know how I’m going to survive this.”
“You will.”
“Dad was my everything.”
“I know.”
I needed something from Zach. Comfort. Care. Reassurance. He felt like strength to me. Strength and power. If I could just crawl inside of him, let him carry me until this pain went away, I just might survive this. I wasn’t strong enough to face the truth. I didn’t want to be.
I grabbed his collar, my voice a near choke. “Please.”
He turned his head so his face was close to mine. “Kaitlin.”
“Zach, please.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“I need you to kiss me, please. Just for a second.”
His big hand wrapped around the back of my neck and then he tugged me closer.
“This is a mistake,” he murmured, as his mouth covered mine. He tasted better than anything I’d ever tasted. My mind floated. So, this is what it felt like to be kissed. It was magical. Perfection. My heart pounded, and I moaned, putting my arms around his neck, wanting more. I sighed when he deepened the kiss. I felt like I was being wrapped up in a warm, safe cocoon. It was wrong to feel so good on such a bad day, but in a sense, it felt like a balm to my aching heart. The relief of feeling something other than shock and sorrow, made me want to weep.
Zach lifted his mouth from mine and pressed his forehead to mine. He was out of breath.
“I always knew it’d be like that,” I confessed, lifting my mouth back to his.
“Kaitlin, no.”
I was too dizzy with hormones and desire. “I’ve wanted you to kiss me for a long time. You’re the only one I ever wanted to kiss.”
“Kaitlin,” his voice was sharp.
His tone pierced through my fog. “What’s wrong?”
“This can’t happen. This can never happen.”
“Don’t say that.”
He unwrapped my hands from his thick neck. “We can’t.”
He might as well have tossed a bucket of cold water over me. “Why not?”
“This was a mistake. You’re Kaitlin. I’m Zach. We’re not supposed to kiss.”
“But,” I floundered. That kiss had been my everything. “What was wrong with it?”
He shook his head. “It’s not supposed to be like that between us.”
It’s not supposed to be like that between us.
I staggered to my feet, his coat sliding off my shoulders. I shivered against the cold air. “I see.”
But I didn’t see. I didn’t understand. I loved Zach. Harder than I loved anyone else.
He grabbed my hand. “Kaitlin, wait.”
“No,” I wrenched my hand from his. “I loved you and you’re ruining everything.”
“Don’t,” he said, but his eyes were downcast, not meeting mine.
The truth was I had ruined it, my unreciprocated declaration of love was messing everything up, but I was more than willing to lay the blame at his feet.
Zach didn’t want me.
Zach didn’t love me back.
Zach didn’t want to kiss me.
This was all his fault.
“I hate you,” I hissed. “Go away. Go away from here and never come back.”
He lifted pain-filled eyes up to my face. “Is that what you want?”
Tears choked my voice. “Yes. I never want to see you again.”
The next morning, when I woke up, he was gone, and leaving in his wake a hole so big in my life, you could drive a truck through it.
* * *
Shit, I was tired. I leaned back in the cab, wishing like hell I had a week off. Instead, I needed to pack up my life and be ready for pre-season training in a week.
My phone beeped.
Jesse: Talked to Kaitlin. She says she’s okay on her own
I tapped my phone against my lips. This was my out. I knew the moment I told Jesse that I would move in with Kaitlin that I was going in over my head, but that hadn’t seemed to stop me. Fate was intervening on my behalf, knowing that nothing good could come out of this situation.
Jesse was more than my friend. He was like a brother to me. Since I was 12, his family had become my family. His dad had become more of a father to me than my own father, and I had adopted Kaitlin as the little sister I didn’t know I had wanted.
This whole Kaitlin situation was trouble.
* * *
Fourteen years ago
“Don’t leave me,” the little kid screamed in a thin voice. I slowed my bike and watched her ahead of me. She was tiny, pumping her skinny little legs on her banana bike. Colorful streamers flapped in the wind from her handlebars. Red hair that looked like a rat’s nest, hung past her shoulders.
I watched as she slowed her bike down and then dumped it against the side of the curb. She stood there for a moment before taking a stuffed animal out of her basket and holding it to her chest. She sat down on the grass of the boulevard and buried her face in the fur of her toy.
I debated biking on by on my new BMX bike. Some kid named Drake had invited me to go biking with him and his friends, but as I cycled past her, I couldn’t help but notice how little she looked. I couldn’t leave her. She was too little, and she was obviously in trouble.
I circled my bike around and pulled up in front of her.
“Hey kid, you okay?”
Teary brown eyes lifted to my face. “No. I don’t know how to get home.”
I knew this kid. She was the sister of Jesse, the guy I played road hockey with the other day. “Are you Jesse’s little sister?”
Her voice sounded small, “Jesse’s my brother. Who are you?”
“Zach.”
“I’m Kaitlin, but my dad calls me Kittles.”
“Who’s your friend?”
She crushed her stuffed animal to her chest. “Brown Bear.”
“That’s his name?”
“Yes.”
“You named your brown bear, Brown Bear?”
“Yes!”
“That’s cute.”
“He’s friends with White Lamb but he’s my favorite.”
“How come?”
“My mom bought him for me before she died.”
No wonder her hair looked like it hadn’t been combed in a week. “So, you don’t have a mom?”
“Nope. Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know where my house is?”
I wasn’t overly familiar with the streets, but I was relatively sure I could get her home. “I can probably find it.”
I watched as she put her bear gently back into the basket. She pushed her bike to the sidewalk.
“Is it a long way to my house?”
“Not too far.”
“My legs are tir
ed.”
“We can go slow.”
Her bike wobbled wildly as she started to peddle. I hopped my bike onto the sidewalk so I could bike beside her.
“You’re new here,” she declared.
“Yeah.”
“Where did you come from?”
“Saskatchewan.”
“How come?”
“My dad got transferred.”
“Do you like it here?”
“Not really.”
“Why not? It’s nice here.”
I found myself admitting something to her, that I’d never admitted to anyone. “I miss my friends.”
“Make new ones.”
The kid was slaying me. “It’s that easy?”
“My brother can be your friend. He’s nice.”
Jesse seemed like an okay kid, maybe we could hang out. He wasn’t as good at road hockey as me, but he was still pretty good.
She almost veered her bike into mine when she looked up at me. “How old are you?”
“Twelve.”
“That’s the same age as Jesse.”
“Is that who you were chasing after?”
“Yeah.” She sounded sad.
“Why did he leave you?”
“His friends don’t like me tagging along. They said I’m too slow.”
“So where are your friends?”
She gave an exaggerated shrug. “Oh here and there.”
I worked to not laugh. “Where is that?”
“I have one friend in my dance class. She invited me to her birthday party. She invited the entire class. And her mom made a cake that looked like a ballet slipper. And she dressed in a princess dress.”
“What’s her name?”
“Mandy. But she didn’t want to come to my birthday party.”
Not cool. I had an irrational urge to hunt down Mandy. “Why not?”
“I don’t know. My dad made a slip-n-slide in our backyard and we had roasted hotdogs and my dad bought an ice cream cake.”
“So, did your other friends come to your party?”
“They couldn’t make it either.”
What the hell. “Someone must have come to your party.”
“Jesse and his friends came. They ate almost the entire cake.” Her brown eyes sparkled up at me. “But my dad saved me two pieces in the freezer. We hid them from Jesse.”