by Shelly Crane
I ponder, as I shuffle my feet in a haze, the events of the previous night. I remember feeling utterly torn while Sherry battled through her tears to tell Lillian about Mitchell. I had the hand I needed in mine and the one I wanted was out of reach. I restrained myself. Sherry had Merrick. She always has Merrick and didn’t need nor want me. But as soon as I turned to Lillian and saw her devastated and ripped up expression, it all fell away but her. I couldn’t think of anything but making that pain go away and there was nothing I could do about it but wrap her up and take her away from it all.
It’s so confusing. All of it. Then later in the hall, when it was just Sherry and me, I couldn’t stop myself from letting the worry I felt for her take over and come out.
Stupid.
Just stupid.
If she hadn’t stopped me there’s no telling what I’d have done. I know what she smells like. I’ve dreamed about that smell an embarrassing amount but I let it overtake me in my relief and worry for her and grief for Lillian. She didn’t act suspicious. Probably thought I was just drunk or something. I wish I had that excuse.
It’s like I’m two separate people. When I’m with Sherry, I want her. When I’m with Lillian, I want her. When I’m with them both, I can’t make up my frigging mind. How did this happen? How is it possible? You can’t love/like two people at once, can you?
Light bulb. I have to stay away from Sherry. No matter how much it hurts, that’s all there is to it. After whatever this is that’s wrong with Sherry and we get this Lighter attack resolved, that’s exactly what I’ll do.
It’s not fair to Sherry.
It’s not fair to Lillian.
And it sure isn’t fair to me. To do that to myself.
I did find Sherry, in the laundry room, as Piper had said but I also saw something I didn’t expect to find in the cold concrete room.
Sherry was lying on a pallet in the corner on the hard floor, using a folded towel as a pillow and an old afghan thrown over her. She was crying, as Piper had said and looked liked she’d been crying a lot.
“Sherry?” When she looked up her face twisted into a new rounds of tears as she tried to sit up. “Sherry, what’s the matter? What are you doing in here?” Then realization hit me as I looked at her makeshift bedding. “Sherry, did you sleep in here?” I asked and moved to kneel beside her.
“Yes. I had a fight with Merrick.”
This shocked me. Those two never fought and definitely not over something that would grant her being kicked out of their room, or maybe she left. That didn’t sound like her. She wasn’t one of those petty girls.
“What kinda fight?”
“He thinks we...he said he saw-”
She can’t speak for sobs and cries and heaving. I couldn’t help it. I pulled her to my chest to hug her, ground her. Finally, she got out what she was trying to say.
“Merrick thinks he saw us kissing. More than kissing, last night. I don’t know what’s going on.”
“What?”
“He said he saw us. Piper and Polly saw us too he said.” She sniffed and continued to heave her way through the words. “They came and got him, to discover us.”
“But that’s ludicrous. We didn’t do-”
“I know!”
“Maybe they just thought we were, maybe they saw us hugging-”
“No, I already tried that defense. He said...we were wrapped around each other, pressed against the hall wall kissing and ready to...to do more. I don’t think they could mistake that.”
“Then what’s going on here?”
“That’s what I’d like to know,” Merrick’s voice said from behind me. I turned, unfortunately for us, with Sherry still damnable looking in my arms to see a very pissed off Merrick. “Piper comes to tell me that you’re upset in here, that maybe I’d been too hard on you last night and I should come check on you. I should have known what I’d find.”
“Merrick. This isn’t what it looks like.” Cursing myself over those cliché words, I extricated myself from Sherry, though it hurt to do so with her so upset and the one she wants comfort from so unwilling to give it. “I was just-”
“I can see what you were just doing, Cain.”
Wow. Merrick. Is. Pissed.
Hurt. Really hurt. I guess if I had Sherry and I was sure she had been with some other guy I’d be too.
“Merrick, come on. This is me. This is Sherry. We wouldn’t do that to you, man.”
I stood up and Merrick straightened, crossing his arms over his chest and looking fiercely like he wanted to cause me physical pain.
“I know. That’s what makes all this so bad to begin with. You, Cain, of all people. You know how much I love her. You know how much she means to me. How much I-” He stopped and his anger faltered, for a second he looked like he could burst with hurt.
“Never, Merrick,” Sherry says, stands up too and takes a step forward but doesn’t make a move towards him. “I’d never do that to you. You know I love you! You give me everything I need, I wouldn’t do this to you.”
“I don’t belong here. I’ll let you two work this out,” I said and tried to make a break for the door but Merrick put his finger in my chest to stop me.
“No, I suggest you stay and comfort Sherry. I’ll leave,” he snarled and then pushed his finger just a little bit before letting it fall back down to his side.
Every military muscle in my body twitched with a need to hit something. But I stayed my ground. Hitting Merrick would solve absolutely nothing. And it was obvious he believed what he thinks he saw.
“Merrick, please,” Sherry begged again desperately. I’d never seen her so distraught. “Please believe me. If you love, believe me. I didn’t do this.”
“Sherry, I don’t think I can believe nor forgive you. One day, maybe. I have nowhere to go anyway, it’s not like I can leave. I want you to admit it. Admit what you did with Cain. I don’t even know how long it’s been going on.” He shook his head as if in defeat. “If you didn’t want to be with me anymore, you should have just said-”
Without warning Sherry lunged forward and grabbed his shirt front, snatching him towards her up on her toes and pulling him down to kiss him. Their lips met. He didn’t pull away but he was shocked. He stood completely still for just a few seconds. I could tell, she was putting all her love, all her everything into this kiss. Like everything rode on it.
It hurt to watch, but I couldn’t look away.
His hands came out to his sides but he didn’t touch her. It was like he was waging an internal war, he wanted to touch her but couldn’t. His fingers flexed and fist clenched and then loosened. Finally he touched her, but it was to push her away.
She almost fell back from the force behind it, and I had to stop myself from trying to catch her. I’m sure that would have gone over well.
“Stop, Sherry!” he yelled and even I flinched at the harshness in his voice. “You can’t just kiss me and expect everything to be ok. What? You thought because I wasn’t human you could just betray me and then try to fix it with sex later and I’d just be alright with it all?” he said breathing heavy and I felt completely invisible, but utterly grateful for it.
“No! I didn’t betray you. I didn’t think that. I would never do that. I love you. I never stopped, and I wanted you to see that,” she squeaked.
“Just stop it, Sherry. I need some time to...figure out what I’m supposed to do here. I know this isn’t the first time. I know you’ve been together, I just don’t know how long. I want nothing more than just to pretend this didn’t happen, but I can’t.”
“Merrick-”
“Stop! It’s over, Sherry. No more.”
Her eyes went wide.
“It’s...over?” she croaked.
“Yes.” He clenched his face and then softened. “No. I don’t know what I’m saying. Maybe it’s this body, I don’t know, but I can’t get the image of you two out of my head and it’s making me crazy,” he growled through clenched teeth and ran his hands throu
gh his hair and down his face like he was in physical pain.
“Merrick.”
“I’m going to go lie down. It was a long night. Don’t follow me, Sherry,” he bit out every word.
He left and Sherry crumpled back down to her pallet in a heap of sobs. I didn’t think it would be appropriate after everything that just happened to comfort her again. Though I wanted to, something awful.
“I’m sorry, Sherry. We’ll figure this out. There’s got to be an explanation. I’ll...I’ll leave you alone for a while, while I go think,” I said and prayed she wouldn’t ask me to stay.
She didn’t.
As I was walking out of the room I saw Piper walk by and peek in, slowing down as she did so. Hmmm. Then when she found Sherry on the floor, crying and crumpled she looked satisfied, a little smile even came to her lips, and she kept walking down to the commons room.
At this point, I thought it odd but could put no further effort to it. I was worried about Sherry. What in the heck was wrong with Merrick? It was like he was possessed. He thought of Sherry as something precious and fragile. He never talked to Sherry like that. Never would have pushed her. No, I understand he’d be angry if he had caught us but, his voice is what worried me. So...cold.
Sherry looked completely and utterly out of her mind with grief. We all had a long night with hardly no sleep and no one had had breakfast yet. I’m sure that didn’t help the situation but...something is going on here. Something is not right.
I decide to go see if Lillian is up yet.
As I pass the commons room I see Merrick sitting on the stairs, so naturally I avoid the stairs, but I see Piper beside him. Her hands are rubbing his back and he’s got his face in his hands.
She looks happy. Too happy to be consoling someone who’s marriage may be on the fritz. Way too happy. Once again, I’m too agitated to think. I let the thought go as I see her leaning forward to press her head to his and whisper. Merrick doesn’t seem thrilled by her comfort but isn’t pushing her away either. What is going on here?
I make it to Lillian’s room. She’s laying there but not asleep. I knock softly to let her know I’m coming in but wait for no answer. These rooms don’t have real doors like the other ones. They are just plywood pieces with wide gaps so there is plenty of light pouring in.
Plenty of light to see her face, calm and pale with tears streaming.
I wonder if any of us will make it through this day when half the females in the joint are either crying in hysterics, crying in guilt and grief or like Piper, happy in everyone else’s misery.
Four’s A Crowd
Chapter 19 - Merrick
The stair is digging into my thigh I’ve been here so long. Sitting here. Wondering what I’m gonna do. How could she? How could he?
Why? WHY?
All the while Piper’s hand on my back to soothe me. To calm me but it’s doing everything but. I’ve all but bit her head off, and even did that too, to get her to leave me alone since we found Sherry and Cain together last night. She’s followed me around, consoled me, spoken reassurances in my mind, rubbed my back constantly. I should be thankful that someone is willing to try to make me feel better but I’m not. Anyone but her maybe but I’m tired of telling her to go away so I just sit, tolerate her and try to process what’s going on.
It must be the body. This human body because literally, the memory of them together will not leave my brain. Even when I physically force it out and try to think of something else, it remains and lets no other thing in.
Cain had Sherry pressed against the wall, the crook of her knee hugged around his palm, her leg wrapped around his waist. Her arms around his neck and their bodies smashed together. They looked comfortable, like they had done this before. More than once and more in depth.
She was kissing him like she kisses me, in our room. Passionately, deeply and intensely and I stood there frozen and watched unable to look away. When she leaned her head back to give him access to her throat and he trailed his tongue and mouth down her neck and she moaned-
It was too much. I couldn’t say anything, couldn’t do anything but get away immediately. Then I came into the commons room and saw so many people who needed my help. So much to do. So I dove in head first and pushed Piper off, more than once. ‘Are you ok?’, ‘Let me help you.’, ‘She was never meant to be with someone like you,’ Piper chimed constantly, over and over and touched me, petted my arm, patted my back, grabbed my hands.
It was too much as well. I was stunned and finally got her to leave and then Sherry walks in and acts like nothing happened. Like she wasn’t betraying me and there was nothing wrong. Like she wasn’t just with my best friend in the most intimate way. I was stunned some more.
I thought back to her life. Never saw this in her. Never saw that she could do this to another person. I thought long and hard and wanted to believe it was a trick. But the scene of them just kept playing. Over and over and over.
Then when I asked her about it she flat denied it but I’d seen it. With my own eyes. Her denial and tears plus the image of her and Cain all mixing together and jumbling was too much and I snapped. I was angry at her, which I’d never been before and it scared me as much as it fueled me. I yelled, I gritted my teeth, I fumed. She looked extremely stricken and frightened, making me even more angry because I felt justified.
I knew I was doing it but couldn’t stop. I went to talk calmly to her, confront her and get her confession and go from there but her denial? No. That I couldn’t handle. Not with what I’d seen.
As I sit here now, spying Cain from the corner of my eye, ignoring me and heading back down the same hall I’d seen their transgression, I feel sick. I feel even sicker when the loop of them in my head gets to the part of her moan. The moan that I had thought I was the only man to ever make her do.
I know Sherry’s back there right now, alone. Crying and hurt but what can I do? Am I supposed to just pretend it didn’t happen because it breaks my heart to see her cry?
Did I really think a human woman could love me as a human man? Yes I did. Sherry fooled me, but how? She can’t lie? And yet, she lied so flawlessly last night when she was trying to banish my accusations.
Finally, Pipers hand has rubbed an uncomfortable spot on my shoulder blade and I’ve had enough.
“Stop, Piper.” I roll my shoulder to sling her hand off. “I’ve already told you. I...appreciate you trying to help me but I don’t want it right now. Would you please just leave me by myself for while.”
“Merrick, I just want to help you. I want you to know that when Sherry wasn’t here for you, I was. Your own kind. Me.”
“That is abundantly clear, Piper.”
Too much. I got up and went to my room. Our room, alone and shut the door. Immediately I heard a knock and opened it, praying it wasn’t Sherry.
It wasn’t. It was Piper.
“Piper! Come on. You can not be this dense,” I yell completely frustrated.
“Can I come in? I’ve been thinking about something. I want to run it by you, in private.”
“Piper, not now,” I growled.
“If you let me in, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day, I promise.”
I consider it and think the price of a day of being left completely alone is just about worth anything.
“Fine. Hurry. I’m tired.”
“Thanks.” She saddled passed me and brushed her chest with mine as she did it.
It was all I could do not to roll my eyes and grab her arm, throwing her out of the room in the process.
“Ok, now what, Piper?”
“I think you should get back at her. I know that sounds juvenile but, you deserve more than this. She deserves to be hurt like you were. You’ve only ever been with one woman. Maybe you should try it with someone else to see what’s it like.”
This should have stunned me but it didn’t. At this point. I expected no less from her.
“This is your big advice? To have sex with you?”
I slapped it away, not gently and grabbed her arm.
“Out.”
“Is it this body? Because it’s only sixteen years old? Don’t be fooled by it, Merrick. It’s still me in here.”
“I’m not fooled, I know exactly who’s in there.”
“Merrick, just think about it. I wonder if Keepers in human bodies are any different than real humans during the act. It’d be worth some research I think.”
She glanced towards the door and back to me. Then pushed me against the wall before I could move and pressed herself to me. Then kissed me. I pushed her back just as I saw light.
Sherry.
Sherry was standing in the doorway, watching with wide betrayed eyes. At first I thought, how dare she be upset. But even in these situations, retaliation isn’t the way to handle it.
“Sherry,” I said, her name just popped out.
I surveyed Piper and I and saw what Sherry saw. Piper was in our room with me, our dark room, and she had me pinned to wall with her lips mere inches from mine still.
Sherry turned and walked slowly away without a word. I was so drained. So done. I pushed Piper out with force to the hallway, amid her protest to let her stay.
I shut and locked the door and laid down determined not to see anyone or hear anything else for the rest of the day. I was exhausted and it didn’t take long to start to drift. The only thing I couldn’t shut off as I fell to sleep was the loop in my head of Sherry and Cain in the hall.
Their betrayal.
It’s Complicated
Chapter 20 - Lillian
I woke up, still in my clothes from the day before, to Cain tapping softly on my door. I lift my head and he’s there. Just like last night, a guilty, sorrowful and sorry face on.
I remember what happened last night. I remember everything. Mitchell is dead. I don’t remember crying much. Not serious crying. I just remember Cain and him taking me away from the crowd, where I didn’t want to be, and staying with me for hours, my feet were in his lap and every now and then he would caress my leg reassuringly, as if to say ‘I’m still here’.