Tumi continued, “I found an address for my birth father in some archives. I found out that he died in the fire, but my biological grandfather still lives there, in the shack where my birth father grew up. I went to visit him.” Tumi felt himself getting slightly emotional at the thought that Hannes had died so long ago, but he shook it off. He had to tell his family everything, and see if they could help him to find his birth mother. “My grandfather, Petrus, told me that my mother’s name is Abongile. That’s all he knew about her. He wasn’t in contact with his son after I was born. But he recognized the picture, and he recognized me…” Tumi remembered the look of realization in Petrus’s eyes, the old man calling out after him as he stormed out of the shack. “Mom, dad… I need to know if you can help me. If you have any information about this woman Abongile or how I can find her.”
Tumi finally stopped talking, and the silence of the room was even more uncomfortable than before. Koena no longer looked at her son, hanging her head low as the brightly colored headscarf cast a shadow over her face. David’s eyes were full of unspoken emotion. Mohale simply looked from one face to another, clearly uncertain of how to react. In a flash, Koena pushed her chair back and stood up from the table, rushing to the patio door next to the living room. Her face was streaming with tears. Tumi jumped from his seat and rushed after her. He had no intention of hurting his mother, but he knew that he had unloaded a lot of information on them.
When he got outside, his mother was standing by the pool, her hand on her hip and the other cradling her cheek. She stood watching the calm water. Tumi slowly walked up until he stood next to her. In a gentle voice, he said, “I’m sorry, mom. I know that was a lot to take in. I want you to know that nothing will ever replace what you mean to me. I just have all these questions that I need to have answered. It’s something that I carry with me; wondering about where I came from, and who these people were who decided to put me up for adoption. I was scared to tell you. I didn’t know how you’d react. I know I should have been more sensitive…”
“You did nothing wrong, my son,” Koena said. She turned to look at Tumi, and he could see the tears on her cheeks. “I knew this day would come. You’ve always been curious about that part of your past, even though you were still so young. I wanted you to only think of the good things in your life right now, not to relive those painful memories.”
“I’m so grateful for everything in my life!” Tumi said, trying to reassure his mother who was still visibly upset. “I have so much love from you, dad and Mohale. I couldn’t wish for a better family. But there are moments… When I’m at Ridgemont, and I see the way some of the guys who were born into wealth treat other people… They treat the service staff like they’re less than human. And I think back on what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been adopted by you and dad, how I would have been treated… I need to know what my background is. I need to feel connected to that life that I never had to live, and to know what that young woman was thinking when she left me.”
“She didn’t leave you!” Koena cut in, and immediately realized what she had said, putting her hand over her mouth.
Tumi was shocked, and lashed out, “Do you know who she is? Have you gone all these years not telling me about something I’ve agonized over?”
“No, no, Tumi. I don’t know who she is.” Koena had started crying, and looked at Tumi through teary eyes. “There was a moment, a brief moment where I saw a girl at the orphanage. She looked so young, not even as old as you are now. She was arguing with one of the nuns who worked at the orphanage. We had gone to see you again before we could finally take you home, and the nun had been helping us. That young girl spotted me, and the look she gave me… I knew, in that moment, that she was your birth mother. When she looked at me, I knew that she was trying to see if I could give you the kind of love that you needed. And I could see that she didn’t want to let you go. The nun wouldn’t say a word about any of it when I asked her about the argument; the girl never wanted you to know who she was. She wanted you to have a better life and to forget about where you came from. But over the years, I knew that you would never fully be able to do that.”
Tumi processed the new information, feeling conflicted. Koena had been everything to him. She had always adored him. He knew that she never said anything about that day at the orphanage out of an instinct to protect him. But he also felt hurt that she would keep any information about his birth parents from him, no matter how insignificant. “Can you tell me the name of the nun? Maybe she’s still at the orphanage and I can track her down.”
Koena finally stopped crying, and her face fell into an expression of resignation. “Sister Beatrice. That’s what she was called. I’m not sure if she still works there. She must be very old already. Tumi, just promise me that whatever you find, you’ll remember that you have a family that loves you. I’m sorry for never telling you about that day. Some part of me always felt like I would lose you. I felt like the more you knew about your past, the less you would feel like you belonged here with us, your family.”
Tumi looked at the pain in his mother’s eyes, and in that moment all he felt was understanding. She had loved him since the moment she had laid eyes on him; it was a story she told Tumi often when he was younger. How could he blame her for wanting to hold on to him? He hugged her tightly, “You’re my mother. You have nothing to worry about. This is my home.”
Koena sobbed again onto her son’s shoulder. As they stood next to the pool under the stars, Tumi felt renewed hope that he would be able to uncover the mysteries of his past, and he felt more grateful than ever for the family who had made him the man that he was.
Chapter 23
Edgar sat on the bed watching the door, waiting for Tumi to return. He had been kicking himself all day for not simply telling Tumi that the was leaving when he had the chance the night before. Now, telling him on the eve of leaving the country, felt almost cruel. He fidgeted with his fingers, thinking about the perfect words to break the news to Tumi. Of course Edgar wanted to stay. He wished with all his heart that he could stay with Tumi for a bit longer. He remembered how, just a few weeks before, he was so prepared to leave and never return to South Africa. Now, all he wanted to do was be near Tumi. Edgar looked at his watch; it was already 10.30 and Tumi was still not back. Edgar felt silly, overeager. How had he allowed himself to become so attached to Tumi in such a short span of time? How had he fallen for someone when he knew that he had to leave?
Finally, the doorknob turned and Tumi stood at the door. Edgar could see that he was tired. For a second, he wished that he could put off telling Tumi about his departure, to spare them both the pain of a goodbye which was to come much too soon. But there was no other time. After mock court the next day, Edgar would have to grab his things and take a taxi to the airport to meet Thomas. He had to tell Tumi at that moment. He felt a lump in his throat as he finally spoke: “How did it go? Did you talk to your parents about Petrus?”
Tumi nodded, and looked conflicted. He said, “They didn’t take it too well. My dad hardly said a word to me for the rest of the night after I told them about my search and what I found. My mom said that she was scared she would lose me. But she did give me some information that might help me finally find my birth mother. I just need to get through mock court tomorrow and I’ll be able to focus on it a bit more.”
“That’s good,” Edgar said, unsure of how to proceed. He sat in silence for a while, watching Tumi pull the tie from his neck and remove the shirt from his strong, muscular torso. Their eyes met for a moment, and Edgar felt a strange mix of emotions pass through him. He felt almost ashamed, but he didn’t know what for.
“Are you okay?” Tumi asked, tossing his shirt into the laundry basket in his cupboard. “You were so distant today, and you never came back to the room after class. Is something wrong? Is it about last night?”
“No,” Edgar said, sitting upright. “Last night was perfect. It was… too perfect.”
“To
o perfect?” Tumi asked, his attention now turned completely to Edgar. “What are you talking about? You’re starting to make me worry.”
Edgar stood up from the bed and took a few steps towards Tumi. He had to get the words out. “I’ve got news, Tumi. My father called me and demanded that I return to England as soon as possible. He says I can return for exams in a few weeks, but that he doesn’t want me staying here anymore. I might be able to see you when I come back, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be back to South Africa anytime soon after that.” Each word pained Edgar. His voice felt shaky. He knew that, essentially, he was breaking off the bond that was developing between them, trying to let Tumi go for good. There was no chance that Edgar’s father would ever let him come back, and they had hardly even gotten close enough yet to make the promise of a long-term relationship. It was just too complicated. Edgar knew that, and he suspected that Tumi knew it too. But that didn’t stop his heart from feeling like it was shattering into a million pieces.
“When do you leave?” Tumi asked, not breaking eye contact with Edgar. His expression was unreadable. Edgar had no idea if he was even sad that Edgar was going.
“Immediately after mock court,” Edgar said. “I’m packing tonight. It’s been a busy day talking to Prof. Nkuna and the other lecturers, and finishing up with some of the assignments that still have to be handed in. I just got back about an hour ago. I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry, Tumi.”
“What do you have to be sorry for?” Tumi said, his words uttered bitingly. “You’ve been dying to get out of South Africa, right? I should’ve known…”
“Known what?” Edgar said, sensing Tumi’s anger rising. Tumi was hurt. Edgar felt terrible as he thought about the bond that he was severing. But what choice did he have?
“I should have known by the way you cozied up to people like Hein and his cronies. You were just using me, weren’t you?”
Edgar recoiled. “What are you talking about?” he demanded. “I wanted to be with you. Want to be with you. I’m not even hanging out with Hein and the others anymore. It’s just that I have to…”
“To turn on me, right now, when I opened up to you? It all makes sense now. You wanted to be with me when you thought that I was a Moketla, one of the elites who could be a good connection for you. Now that you find out that I was born in the township, that I’m not from the same world… It’s so shallow and so transparent. I should’ve known that my first instincts about you were right. You can’t even stay in the same room as me anymore.” Tumi’s breathing was fast and heavy, and he gestured wildly with his arms.
“That’s completely ludicrous, Tumi, and you know it! You’re projecting your own insecurities onto me. I wish I could stay here with you. I want to be with you. I just can’t. My father is the one who’s paying for me to be here. I don’t have a choice in the matter. If he says I have to come back, then that’s what I need to do. I wanted to be honest with you, to let you know that I have to leave even though I don’t want to. And I probably won’t be back. So it’s better for us to just end this right here before we allow ourselves to get even more hurt.”
The instant look of pain on Tumi’s face made Edgar feel like his entire world was crashing in. He wished that he could start over, find a better way to deal with that night. Or better yet, he wished that he had never come to South Africa and fallen for a guy like Tumi when he knew that he had to leave. They stood staring at each other in silence, the distance between them feeling like a thousand miles. Edgar spoke again, trying to diffuse the situation, “I’m sorry, Tumi. I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t. I have no choice in this, and it’s better for the both of us if we make a clean break.”
“When did you know? When did you know that you’d be leaving?” Tumi asked. His eyes were burning into Edgar. Edgar swallowed nervously. He had to be honest with Tumi.
“My dad phoned me two days ago.” The words were barely a whisper.
“Two days ago? So you knew before you kissed me? Before we went to dinner last night? Before you let me open up about myself and my life? Don’t you see what you did, Edgar? I wasn’t ready for this, but the way you were treating me, you convinced me that there was a chance that we could build something. You made me believe that even if you had to leave in a few weeks, that you cared about me enough to figure this all out together. And now you’re saying that you’re leaving right away and it’s over and that’s that.” Tumi’s bottom lip was quivering. He looked completely distraught, and Edgar felt close to tears. How could he hurt Tumi like this? Why hadn’t he seen what he was doing sooner? He had been so comfortable with letting himself spend time with Tumi, talk freely with him, and develop feelings. The reality of leaving hadn’t set in, and Edgar had found it all too easy to let himself live in the fantasy that everything would work out okay. Now, it was all crashing down a lot sooner than Edgar was even prepared for.
Edgar had no idea what to say. He had caused all of this, and there was no excusing what he had done. Maybe it was better that Tumi blamed him and hated him; it would make it easier on both of them when Edgar had to leave. He said, “This isn’t my home, Tumi. This isn’t where I belong. I have responsibilities back in England. I can’t just give it all up for… what? A fling? I need to go back and live my own life. I’m sorry that you feel hurt, but I made no promises to you.” Edgar fought hard to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down his cheeks. Each word was like a razor blade on his tongue. He could see Tumi’s eyes turn to revulsion, and he knew that he was doing damage that couldn’t be repaired.
Tumi said nothing in response. Edgar had clearly crossed the line, and there was nowhere else for them to go. Tumi walked to his cupboard and grabbed a backpack, tossing in some clean clothes and essentials.
“Where are you going?” Edgar asked. “You don’t have to leave.” Inside, he knew that they could no longer go back to being roommates. Spending the night in the same room felt impossible.
“I’m staying over at Judy’s. I trust you’ll be gone in the morning. We just have to get through mock court and you’ll be rid of me for good.” Tumi voice was cold, disaffected. Edgar felt a familiar wall come up between them. It was the same way Tumi used to treat Edgar before that night in the law library when they had finally started to see a different side of each other.
Tumi was out of the door a few minutes later, and Edgar was left in the silent room on his own. He had no idea what he had just done. He sat down on his bed, feeling a chill on his cheek. He was a wreck. He wanted some feeling of release, to scream or even to cry. But nothing came. He just sat there, numb, replaying every word he had said to Tumi.
Chapter 24
Tumi had returned to his room in Nova the morning after finding out that Edgar was leaving Ridgemont. When he opened the door, Edgar had already left, and Tumi saw that the bedding had been removed and folded on his bed, along with two large suitcases that were already packed. Tumi felt a sinking feeling, and went to his cupboard to get a change of clothes for mock court.
He had spent the night at his friend Judy’s place. She had a studio apartment just off campus, and Tumi often relied on her whenever he needed to get away from campus and clear his head. Judy had been very supportive. Tumi told her about all of the feelings he was starting to have for Edgar and how they had kissed. She made him a cup of hot chocolate and they listened to an album by Norah Jones as Judy watched Tumi closely. “I spoke to him that night at the law library, you know?” Judy said to Tumi after he had poured his heart out to her.
“I saw you talking to him. You were just putting him in his place after the way his friends treated the wait staff, right?”
“Not exactly,” Judy said, raising her eyebrow. “I told him that I was noticing a change in you. That you were talking about him a lot, and that the way he acted in mock court really got under your skin. I told him that I thought it was because you were interested in him. And that he needed to play his cards right if he felt the same way. Looks like
I was right about that…” she smiled. Judy had a tendency to play cupid, even though she often complained about her own lack of a love life.
“I had no idea I would start to have feelings for him,” Tumi said, lowering his eyes to the cup of hot chocolate that he was cradling in his hands. “But it looks like I’ll have to forget all about it now. He made it pretty clear that he’s not interested in trying to make it work once he leaves Ridgemont. I don’t want to hold on to hope and just get my heart broken.”
Judy and Tumi spoke late into the night, both of them lamenting their troubles with men. Tumi only fell asleep in the early morning hours, thoughts of Edgar not leaving his mind, and when he awoke he felt the sting afresh. It would be difficult seeing Edgar in mock court, going up against him one final time before he left South Africa for good. But Tumi had to remain professional. If Edgar didn’t care enough to even let him know he had to leave until the last minute, then Tumi couldn’t risk his grades in Prof. Nkuna’s course over him. He had to stay focused.
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