by J. Lea
“Of course. Swing by, and I’ll order in the meantime.”
It is quite late when we finish eating and wash the dishes, so I head home to grab a quick shower and then I go straight to bed. I’m sure Josh will wake me when he comes home.
In the middle of the night, the ringing of the phone awakens me. Groaning, I open my eyes and reach for my phone on the nightstand. I do not bother checking the caller I.D. “Hello?” I answer, my voice heavy with sleep.
“Ella?” I hear the voice of Josh’s mom Beth. She sounds like she’s been crying. I’m wide-awake in a second. I sit up in bed, and pull the covers over my chest with my free hand.
“Are you okay?” I ask, worried. I can hear Beth sniffing on the other side of the line, and suddenly, she starts crying violently. Just as I’m about to turn toward Josh to wake him up, I hear Dean, Josh’s father, who takes the phone from Beth.
“Sweetheart, Josh has been involved in an accident,” he slowly says. Goose bumps spread all over my body.
“Wh-what? Josh is right here, beside me, it wasn’t him,” I try to reassure him, but then I turn my head and notice his side of the bed is still empty. “Oh my God! Is h-he okay? What happened?” Tears start pooling in my eyes.
“We don’t know anything yet. We just received a call that we have to come to the hospital immediately, that he’s been in an accident. He’s in the operating room right now, they’re trying to save him.” I hear him sniffing, he tries to remain strong. “Sweetheart, it doesn’t sound good.” His voice breaks as he bursts into tears. For a few minutes, we just cry. He then tells me the name of the hospital so I can hurry there.
“Everything is going to be alright. I’m sure of that. He’s a very strong man.” I try to comfort him. And myself. I throw some clothes on in a hurry, barely able to see through the tears streaming down my face. My hands are shaking so hard I can barely pick up the car keys. I race to the hospital. I’m not sure how I manage to get there in one piece since I can’t see much through the mist of tears.
“Josh Bennet? Where is he?” I ask the nurse at the reception desk. “He’s been in a motorcycle accident.” I must look terrible in my sweats, my eyes are all puffed up from crying so much, but I don’t care. I only need to see Josh.
“Are you a family member?” she asks as she is typing away on a computer.
“I’m his girlfriend,” I tell her.
“I’m sorry—” she starts, when I feel a warm hand wrap around my wrist.
“It’s okay, she’s with us,” Dean interrupts her in his gravelly voice, choking back tears.
“How is he?” I ask, scared to know the answer, and give him a hug. He takes me to Beth. I’m still shaking, but all I want is to hug Josh and tell him how much I love him. His parents don’t say anything, just cry. I look at Dean, then at Beth, and wait for someone to say something. Beth leans over and wraps me in a tight hug, and I can feel her shaking violently, crying even harder. “Tell me already!” Dean shakes his head. “What is that supposed to mean?” He also puts his arms around me and hugs me. Just as I’m about to repeat the question, Dean breaks the silence.
“We don’t know anything yet. We haven’t spoken to the doctor yet. They’re still in surgery.”
“Good, so this means—”
“Mr. and Mrs. Bennett?” a deep voice interrupts me. We turn around and a man in scrubs is standing in front of us. His hands are in his pockets. Beth and Dean nod. The doctor hesitates for a second when he sees me standing next to them, but they assure him I’m family. “My name is Doctor Phillips. As you know, your son was in a very serious accident. He survived the surgery, but he is not out of danger yet.” A sound of pain escapes my throat. It takes a lot of effort to stand on my shaky feet. Beth grips my hand tightly and the doctor continues. “He has suffered severe internal injuries, both his legs are broken, his ribs are bruised and he has a severe concussion. “It was touch and go for a moment, but he pulled through.”
“Can I see him?” I beg. The doctor’s lips form a thin line, and before he can say anything, I continue. “Pl-please, I ha-have to see him, please.” I’m desperate to see with my own eyes that he is alive.
“Okay,” he finally responds and runs his hand over his forehead. “But only for a couple of minutes.” He takes us to Josh’s room, and his parents are the first to enter. I’m shifting my weight nervously from one foot to another in front of the door, waiting for my turn. Dean and Beth come out of the room, heartbroken and sobbing. Dean places his hand comfortingly on my shoulder, and encourages me to enter the room. I’m standing in front of the big white door that separates me from Josh. Taking a deep breath, I grab the handle. I gently push the door, stick my head through, and there he is. He’s lying on a bed on the left side of the room, tubes and wires coming out of him. Machines by his bed are beeping, and there is a thicker tube coming out of his mouth. His chest is rising and falling slowly, but his eyes are closed and he’s just lying there, motionless. Thousands of thoughts run through my head and the loudest one is: Please, let him be okay. My legs shaking furiously, I move to the bed. Tears are streaming down my cheeks too fast for me to wipe them away so I just let them fall. I move the chair that’s beside the bed closer to him, sit down and hold his hand.
“Josh, everything is going to be alright. Please, come back to me.” I move a strand of hair that’s in his face to the side. He looks so hopeless. “Please, don’t leave me.” I drop my head to his hand and kiss his palm. I am crying incessantly. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you, Josh! I love you so much. Please fight. For yourself, for us.” There is suddenly a loud beeping noise above my head; I look to the machine that’s emitting that sound. I look to Josh and back up. The next second, I feel a hand push me aside. “What is happening?” I yell as one of the nurses leans over Josh, and starts performing CPR on him.
“Miss, please step outside, and let us do our job.” Before I can protest, they shut the door in my face. Beth and Dean stand up, their eyes full of questions and terror. We watch as more nurses, and a doctor, run into Josh’s room with a defibrillator machine. I cling to Beth and Dean, waiting for the update. I pray it is good news. It seems like we’ve been waiting forever before the doctor steps out the room. He throws the latex gloves he was wearing in the trash beside us and his expression is unreadable. He turns to us and I inhale sharply. I hang on to the hope that Josh is okay. I can see the doctor’s lips moving but I can’t hear him. What’s happening? Confused, I look from the doctor to Josh’s parents and back. Everything is happening in slow motion. I watch them speaking, but their voices don’t reach my ears. Beth suddenly collapses to the floor and Dean catches her in the last moment.
“What’s happening?” I ask, my voice shaky, and I am holding on to my hope.
“He didn’t survive. I’m very sorry,” the doctor repeats, his eyes full of compassion. My head is suddenly swimming. My legs turn to jelly, and I can barely hold myself up. I’m not sure I heard him correctly. He grabs my hand before I fall down.
“Wha-what?! How? No, no, no, no,” I’m screaming, tears blurring my vision. I take a few steps, and then turn back around. “I d-don’t believe you. Where is he? I mu-must see him,” I’m panicking, and people in the hall start turning their heads to me. I ignore them. All I want is to see Josh, to hug him. I need him so badly. He can assure me everything is okay. I run to the nurses’ station and ask them to tell me he is alive and well. Dean grabs me by the shoulders and tries to calm me down. “Let me pass, I have to see him.” Tears are running uncontrollably down my face so I can barely see, but I don’t care. I only want Josh—now.
“Sweetie, please.” I hear Beth’s sobbing voice, pleading.
“No, Josh is waiting for me. I have to see him, I have to make sure he’s alright.” The nurses are watching me sympathetically.
“He’s in a better place now. He’s in heaven, no longer in pain,” Beth weeps. Dean holds her tightly, and helps her sit down in a chair.
> “No, don’t say that! I love him! He can’t just leave me like that! We were supposed to celebrate my successful exams. He can’t be dead.”
After my breakdown in the waiting room, one of the nurses takes me to an empty room and gives me an injection to calm me down. I am now sitting in the room, completely numb and devastated. After a while, I fall into dreamless sleep, exhausted and all cried up.
I wake up in my own bed. The morning light is peeking out of the blinds on my windows. I blink a few times, trying to remember how I got here.
“Josh!” I exclaim and quickly run down the stairs to the kitchen. Was this just a bad dream? Out of breath, I reach the kitchen, where Sophie is standing with puffy eyes.
“Ella, I’m so very sorry,” she sniffs, a tear slips down her cheek. Her tear-stained face brings me back to cruel reality. It really happened, it wasn’t just a bad nightmare. I shake my head furiously; no, this is just a bad dream, and take a few steps back. “If you need anything, you know you can always count on me,” she says and approaches me. She wraps me in a tight hug and I burst into tears again.
“He’s really dead? I’ll never see him again?” Sophie nods with tears in her eyes.
“I’m truly sorry. I loved him, too. I can’t believe he’s really gone.” We cling to each other and I let myself grieve for Josh, tears falling freely down my cheeks. I lost my best friend and the love of my life forever.
Today is one of the sunniest and warmest fall days this month. Birds are chirping away like nothing happened and hopping from branch to branch, and yet, we have just buried a big part of my heart. It’s true. Josh took a giant piece of my heart with him to his grave. Why is life so cruel? I had everything I wanted for a while; it obviously wasn’t meant to be. One moment, just one moment of carelessness, and my life turned upside down. A truck hit Josh soon after he left a gas station. Matt had gone home already, but Josh wanted to stop at the gas station to buy me some silly gift for my successful exams, even though at that time he didn’t know I passed yet. He was so sure I was going to do great that he wanted to surprise me. For the millionth time, tears start pooling in my eyes. Josh was such an attentive boyfriend, and much more importantly, he loved me. He appreciated and adored me, even though I’m nothing special. He loved me just the way I was.
My mom comes closer and gives me a comforting hug. “How are you holding up?” she asks. I shrug, wiping a stray tear with the back of my hand. Dean and Beth are sitting on a bench near the grave, comforting each other. They are completely crushed. Josh was their only child, I can’t even imagine how it feels to lose a child. Sophie and Matt are still standing by the open grave we just put Josh’s coffin into. They are holding hands, and Sophie drops a carnation into the hole. Then they take a step back to make room for other people to say goodbye. Everybody keeps telling me how sorry he or she is for my loss, but I don’t acknowledge them. My gaze is fixed on the grave my dear boyfriend is lying in. How will I be able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart after all of this? Soon, people start leaving, but I’m still standing in the same spot. I drop to my knees to gather some dirt from the ground in my hand, and let it slip through my fingers onto the coffin. I can’t hold the tears in anymore, and I start sobbing uncontrollably.
“You lied to me,” I whisper. “You promised you’ll never leave my side. You lied!” I’m both angry and sad at the same time. “I’ll miss you so much! I can’t believe you’re gone. This morning, I woke up and wanted to kiss you, but you were gone. When will the pain lessen?” I ask, desperate. “Please, come back to me.” A gentle breeze caresses my face. I feel my father’s hand on my shoulder. He wraps me in his embrace, and takes me home. My parents wanted to stay with me for a while, but I need to be alone. I want to cry freely, and I really don’t need comforting.
When I get home, I run into our bedroom, and hug his pillow to my chest. It still smells like him. Perhaps, if I close my eyes, everything will return to normal, I whisper to myself. He’ll wrap his arms around my hips and kiss me behind my ear, which he loved to do. But nothing happens. I lost him forever. My heart is in a million tiny pieces that no one will ever be able to put back together.
Chapter Two
Two years later
Ella
“Hey, babe, what are you doing?” asks Sophie, as I’m pouring water into a big plastic bucket. She just arrived at my workplace to pick me up.
“Hi, Sophie. I just have to mop the floor and then we can go. It’s all muddy from the rain.” I’m working at Ace, a massage therapy salon, mostly intended for athletes, since we specialize in sports massage. We are famous for our elite clientele of professional athletes who frequently use our services. The owner of the salon, Meredith, started the business five years ago. Sophie has been her loyal customer since the beginning, and Meredith once mentioned that a spot has opened since they recently fired a masseuse. She recommended me to Meredith and here I am now. Before, I worked in a beauty salon called Olga. I’m not saying it was a terrible job, but here at Ace I can put my skills to better use because I specialized in sports massage. The clients are so far satisfied with my services and some of them even demand me specifically when they book their next appointment.
“Do you want to grab a drink? We haven’t gone out in ages,” Sophie complains as she passes me the mop.
“I don’t know. I’m not in the mood. How about you go out with Matt?”
“I don’t want to go out with Matt. I want to go with you. Come on, you’ve practically stopped living after Josh died. You’re a shadow of your former self. I think it’s time to move on.” She gives me a questioning look, and I furiously scrub the floor with the mop.
“I can’t, alright? I miss him. It’s so hard living on without Josh.”
Sophie takes a deep breath. “You have to at least try. It’s so hard watching you so lifeless. You’re going to break.”
“It’s hard to break something that’s already broken,” I mumble.
It’s been two years since Josh passed away. My whole world crumbled to pieces that horrible day. I was certain my life ended right then and there. A couple of days after the funeral, I went to our bathroom and stood in front of the mirror for a while, scissors in my hands. I grabbed a strand of hair and cut it to above my ears. I continued like that until I cut off all the hair, and then I collapsed on the floor, bursting into a fit of crying. I thought cutting my hair would help me take my mind off Josh for a second, but nothing helped. A few hours later, Sophie found me in the same spot, completely shocked by what she saw. She helped me get on my feet and comforted me. There was a time when I was raging mad at him for daring to leave me, but that feeling was soon replaced by the feeling of emptiness. I felt empty and alone without him, and I fell into depression. Now, I’m a little better, thanks to Sophie, Matt and my parents. They helped me deal and survive the terrible loss. I eventually learned to live without him, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. When I flip through the channels on TV and come across motorcycling, I can imagine Josh sitting on the couch, cheering for his favorite racer. Every time I eat risotto, his favorite food, I think of him. Whenever a smell of the aftershave he used wafts through the air toward me, I cannot help but to envision his beautiful face. It was hard, it still is, but I have learned to live with the painful memories of the man I lost too soon. It’s not like I have any other choice.
When the floor is shiny again, I lock the doors and give in to Sophie’s pleading to go out for drinks. I realize I haven’t been much of a friend for the last two years. I was closed off, nothing could cheer me up, but she was my rock the whole time. It’s time to finally let her back in. It’s not fair that I keep pushing her away. Filled with excitement, Sophie drags me by the wrist to the first bar we pass, just in case I would change my mind.
“Hi, what can I get you?” a waitress comes to us a minute after we sit down. I order ice tea and Sophie chooses orange juice.
“Actually, I invited you for drinks for a reason,” she st
arts. I raise my eyebrows. “Do you remember when I called that radio station about some trip to Spain a month ago? Well, I received a call last week and I won two tickets!” She lets out an excited squeal, and starts jumping up and down in her chair with a wide grin on her face.
“Wow, congrats. You and Matt are going to have a wonderful time there. I’m so happy for you.” Sophie, having just taken a sip of juice, frantically shakes her head.
“No, no, no, I’m not going with Matt.” I give her a confused look. “You are coming with me.” I almost spit out the ice tea I just took a sip of.
“What?! Why? I mean... Why aren’t you going with Matt?”
“Matt also agrees that a little rest and fun in the sun will be good for you, he can’t go anyway, he’s in the middle of negotiations of buying a nightclub.” Sophie watches me intently.
“What about our jobs?” I ask.
“I already told Meredith, and she agrees. She says it’s no problem if you take a week off, and I’ve already taken care of everything at my work.”
Why me? I’m not exactly pleasant company at the moment, but I don’t want to turn her down. I know that would upset her. She’s trying so hard to get me out, among other people, and I don’t know if I could have survived Josh’s death without her support. She forced me to eat, and she came by every day and made my dark days a little lighter. She’s a true friend, and I’ll be forever grateful she’s in my life. Her friendship means too much for me to turn down her offer, so I give in.
“Okay,” I say.
“Really?” Sophie asks incredulously, and a smile appears on her lips. “Oh my god, I can’t believe it! Thank you, thank you, you’ll see how much fun we’re going to have.”
~ * ~
I’m almost finished packing when I hear knocking on my bedroom door. Since Josh has passed, I have been living at Sophie and Matt’s. “Come in,” I call out to them. Matt has offered to take us to the airport, so we don’t have to call a cab. Our flight leaves in two hours. “I think I packed everything. I seriously hope I didn’t forget anything important.”