by J. Lea
“Thanks for the invitation, it’s my pleasure to be here. Yes, I’m very happy with the results so far. I hope I’ll finish the season on the same note.” After a few basic questions about motorcycling, the host moves on to more personal questions.
“You look fearless on that motorcycle of yours. Are you even afraid of anything?”
“Hmm,” Jake glances my way and nods. “My biggest fear in life is losing the people I care about. I’m the kind of a person who would do anything to protect the ones that mean a lot to me.”
“And what does your life look like now that you are at the peak of fame? Can you take a walk in peace?” Jake laughs.
“It’s getting more and more difficult. If someone told me five years ago that paparazzi would be camping in front of my house, and constantly taking pictures of me, I would laugh in their face. But that’s exactly what’s happening. To be honest, I don’t like it. It’s nice that people like me, but sometimes I just want some peace and privacy. I’d like to take my girlfriend out to dinner without someone following us every step with a camera. But even though I want to have a normal life, I know this is no longer possible.”
“Since you just mentioned your girlfriend—I know she is here today with you. Can you tell us more about her?” The host now has all my attention; I hope Jake is not planning on sharing details about me on the television.
“Even though I could talk about her for days, I don’t plan on exposing her in front of the cameras. She had enough of it a couple of weeks ago. I’d like for her life to remain as it is—private.”
“I understand. Could she possibly be the future Mrs. Burns? Is she the one?” Jake looks at me. We are staring at each other for some time, then he opens his mouth to speak. My breath hitches in my throat as I’m nervously waiting for his response. I’m sure it’s too soon for him to know if I’m the one for him.
“I’d rather not answer this question. You’ll find out when the right time comes.” I drop my gaze to the ground as a small pang of disappointment hits me. I don’t exactly know what I was expecting him to say. To be honest, for a second there, I kind of hoped he would say that I am.
“What is your favorite racing memory?” the host continues.
“Definitely my first win ever, and later becoming the world champion. These two will forever remain in my memory.” The host nods, and they continue talking pleasantly. After a while, he thanks Jake for being here, and the show ends. They shake hands and we say goodbye.
A crowd of fans awaits us in the parking lot when we exit the building. Two security guards help us push through to our car. Jake starts the car and we are on our way. I direct him where to drive, but don’t tell him the final destination. He’ll find out soon enough. When he turns right for the third time, he looks at me with a raised eyebrow.
“A restaurant? What are we doing here? Are we celebrating something?” Jake parks while I turn to him.
“No, I just wanted to spend some time with you. You’re so busy all the time, I just wanted to do something normal with you. Have lunch and act like you’re not famous.”
“I’d love that,” Jake smiles.
We enter the restaurant and sit at the already reserved table. Waiter takes our orders, while we talk, and just enjoy each others company. We talk about my parents, his parents, about Mike and Debbie, his races and nothing in particular. After a while, I change the subject.
“Would you come with me to visit Josh’s grave someday? I understand if you don’t want to, but I’d really like you to.” I drop my gaze to my hands, resting in my lap. Jake quickly tilts my chin up with his hand, and looks me straight in the eyes.
“Babe,” he kisses me, “wherever you go, I go.” He extends his free hand. I take it, and we intertwine our fingers. “I know how much he meant to you. Tell me about him. About Josh.”
“He was a wonderful person. He had a big heart, and everybody loved him. He had so many friends.” Jake tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and I continue. “He was only 24 years old when he died. I will never forget that day—it was the worst day of my life.” I wipe the tear that slides down my cheek. “Josh loved children, he wanted three of his own because he was an only child, and he wanted them to have someone to play with. He would have been a great father.” When I glance up at Jake, I see his lips are in a straight line, and he seems rigid. “If you don’t want to listen to this, I’ll stop.” I don’t want to make him uncomfortable about what I’ve been telling him.
“No, babe, it’s okay, go on.”
“He lo—”
“Ella?” a woman’s voice interrupts me. I spin around, and see Josh’s parents walking toward me. I look at Jake, and back at them. I don’t want them to think I got over Josh so quickly, and jumped into a new relationship. Beth comes closer and hugs me, and Dean follows.
“It’s so nice to see you again,” Dean says.
“You, too,” I tell them. “How are you holding up?” It’s been a while since we last saw each other. The first few weeks, I visited them almost every day, but then my visits got more infrequent. I know they were going through difficult time, but so was I. And every time I saw Josh’s parents, my wounds became fresh again. I had to distance myself from them so I could grieve in peace and get through my loss.
“Some days, it’s still difficult, but there are days we’re doing better.” I nod, knowing exactly how they feel. “You look happy,” Beth says, glancing at Jake. Jake stands up and holds out his hand to them.
“Jake,” he introduces himself. They give him a sour smile. There is tension in the air.
“We better go,” Dean awkwardly points to their table, two other couples already waiting them.
I give them a warm smile. “It was nice seeing you again,” I say gently.
“You, too.” They leave and I instantly breathe easier.
“That was tense,” Jake says.
Chapter Thirteen
Jake
We’ve had a stressful day, so I drew Ella a bath, and she’s relaxing in the tub, waiting for me to join her. I need a few minutes first to clear my thoughts. After everything Ella told me, it’s even more difficult for me to tell her about Liz. I don’t know where to start, what to tell her, what her reaction is going to be. Every day, my feelings for her grow stronger, and every day I’m more afraid I’m going to lose her. I’m no longer the irresponsible eighteen-year-old I was. I pulled my act together and started over, but the past will still haunt me forever. It’s a well-known fact that I used to party and drink and do a lot of irresponsible things as a teenager. It can bite me in my ass when I tell her about Liz. Luckily, my parents straightened me up. I know many parents would give up on their child if they acted as I acted, but not them. Never. Only when I turned a new leaf did my career take off, and I started to appreciate life more.
“Hey, babe,” I walk into the steamy bathroom. Dropping my clothes on the floor, I join her in the tub. I sit down behind her, and she leans into me. All it takes is her touch and I’m already burning with desire. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, and pull her tightly to me. I softly kiss her neck and jaw. Her eyes are closed, and her body language tells me she’s enjoying it.
“Mmm,” she purrs. “Thank you for agreeing to visit Josh with me,” she whispers.
“As I already told you, I don’t want to miss a single minute with you. You make me so happy that everything around me seems insignificant. You only had to smile, and I was hooked. When you spoke, you enchanted me, and you had me at a single glance.” I inhale deeply and continue. I have to tell her what’s on my mind. Perhaps then it won’t be so difficult to tell her about Liz. “Ella, you changed my life. My thoughts are no longer focused solely on motorcycling; it’s you who is constantly on my mind.” I kiss her shoulder. She turns around, and sits in my lap so our chests are touching, and wraps her arms around my neck. She rains kisses on my lips, neck, and chest. “Babe, I’m not finished yet.” My eyes serious, I put my hands on her cheeks. I want her to look at me a
s I’m telling her. So she knows I mean it. “Ella, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think I love you. No, I know I love you.” She freezes in my arms and stares me with wide eyes. “You don’t have to say it back. I know you’ve been through a lot, that you’ve already loved someone deeply, and he was taken from you. But I wanted you to know. I love you,” I repeat. “And I’ll make it my life’s mission to show you this every day.” She doesn’t say anything; she only crushes her lips to mine, and tells me with her kiss she feels the same. The kiss is full of determination and love at the same time; bitter, yet sweet. “Move in with me,” I blurt out, and her lips freeze on top of mine.
“Jake…”
“I’m serious, move in with me. I’m not saying it has to be today or tomorrow, but I want you to at least think about it. I want you here.”
“I’ll think about it,” she says and I kiss her, a big grin on my face. I kiss her eyelids, nose, cheeks, chin, lips and every other part of her body. We make love for a long time in the tub until the water is already freezing, and her lips are blue. I carry her to bed, where we continue our lovemaking session.
“Jake?” she says, sleepily, an hour later as we are lying in the bed, wrapped in each other’s arms. We’re covered with a thin sheet, and our eyes are closed. She is tracing lazy circles on my chest.
“Mm-hm?”
“I love you, too,” she says. A grin splits my face, and I hug her tightly. Life could not be better. I fall asleep with a big smile on my face.
Ella
It's been three weeks since we've declared our love to one another, and he’s told me every day how much he loves me. We rarely see each other, but when we’re together, it’s magical. The feelings that overwhelm me when I’m in his arms are indescribable. It all seems so unreal. I completely lose myself in his kisses, and can’t think straight when I’m with him, I can only feel. Only the thought of him makes my heart beat a hundred times faster. I realized I’m happy with him, and it’s been so long since I’ve been that happy. Two and a half years ago—that’s the last time I felt anything at all. Tears are threatening to spill down my face, but this time these are tears of joy. He makes me happy. The first time he told me he loved me I panicked because in that moment I realized our relationship is real. I didn’t know how to respond at first. I knew I felt the same, but I was afraid to tell him. Afraid because, if I told him, my world would come crashing down again. After Josh died and before I met Jake, I was dead on the inside. I felt absolutely nothing; I only existed. When Jake came into my life, he showed me I could love again. I don’t love him the same way I loved Josh, but that doesn’t mean I love him any less. It just means that every love is different. Josh was the past I will never forget, but Jake is my future and my world.
It is the end of May. The temperatures have finally risen a little. Sophie and Matt are at work, Jake is on the way to France, and I have the morning off. I want to spend it with my mom. We haven’t seen each other in ages, so we’re going shopping. I decide to walk to the shopping center because the weather is lovely, and a half-hour walk will be nice for me. I look left, and then right, down the street. I cannot shake the feeling that someone is watching me...almost as if I’m being followed. I quicken my step, and watch as people hurry about their business. Young moms are pushing their strollers down the street, and construction workers are going to lunch. I don’t see anybody following me, but the eerie feeling of being watched is still present. I meet my mom in a restaurant on the corner of the shopping center. I exhale in relief as I enter the restaurant. I see she’s still not here, so I sit down at the first empty table. Just then, I hear:
“Hey, sweetie.” I turn to greet my mother. She is grinning from ear to ear. We hug and kiss, and then we sit down. “How are you?” she asks.
“The usual. What about you and dad?”
“Oh, you know your father, stubborn as a mule. I suggested to him we could go to a dinner for our anniversary, but he insists it’s just a waste of money and that we can have a nice dinner at home.” My parents are celebrating their twenty-fifth anniversary this June, and even though they’ve been through a lot, they are still very much in love. “He says he doesn’t need anything other than me.” The waiter comes over to take our orders, and then mom continues. “So, I managed to convince him to take me to the movies. Can you imagine? I can’t remember the last time we went to the movies. I was probably the same age as you.” I smile at the thought of mom and dad at the movies. My parents are very simple people. They rarely indulge in anything, not because they are stingy or anything, but their philosophy is that you don’t need to spend much to be happy. I admire them so much.
The waiter brings us our food. I ordered gnocchi with chicken and cream sauce and my mother is having vegetable lasagna. We are also drinking red wine. “When are your father and I going to meet this Jake guy?” I shrug.
“I don’t know, even I barely see him these days. But I promise we’ll soon come to visit.”
“Oh, Ella, I’m so happy you found someone. My heart was breaking when I watched you after Josh died. I thought you will never pick yourself up, and I felt so helpless when I couldn’t help you.”
“I saw Beth and Dean last week again,” I say with my mouth full, changing the topic. I don’t want to talk about me. “I was leaving work, and they were just passing by. They invited me over for some coffee.” My mom is watching me, listening intently. “It felt so weird being in their house again. It used to be my second home, and now I felt like an intruder there, even though they were really nice to me. They asked about Jake. I thought they were going to be mad at me because I’m in a new relationship, afraid they were going to think I got over Josh so quickly. But Beth squeezed my hand sympathetically, and told me how happy she is I found someone who loves me.”
“They are good people,” my mom says. “I feel so bad for them; having lost their child, and going through this horrible ordeal. I cannot imagine how painful it must be.”
“Jake asked me to move in with him,” I switch the topic again, because my mom’s words poked at the wound that has still not healed. It’s hard for me to talk about Josh without bursting into tears. Mom freezes, her fork midway to her mouth, and looks at me with wide eyes.
“Isn’t this moving a little too fast?”
“I told him the same thing, but he said he just wants to be with me.”
“He loves you,” mom states.
“I know, and I love him, too. I told him I’m going to have to think it through. I don’t want to act too rashly.”
After our pleasant lunch, we head to the shopping center. I don’t plan to buy anything; it’s enough for me to spend some quality time with my mother before I start my work in the afternoon.
Chapter Fourteen
Jake
We’re in France. I’m heading to practice, and we have qualifications in the afternoon. The weather conditions are not ideal; it has been drizzling lightly the whole morning. I check my gloves, put on the helmet, and hop on the bike. I start my motorcycle, and it roars to life. I love this sound. I ride out of the pit-box, and furiously past the green patch of grass. I execute the first turn perfectly, and relax into the second one, confident. Then I start accelerating. A fraction of a moment too late, I realize I have started decelerating a second too soon, which causes my tires to lose grip. I feel my motorcycle skidding under me, and the next second, I hit the ground, sliding toward the barrier. I feel a burning pain in my wrist, and hit the wall with force. As fast as I can, I pick myself up, and limp to my bike. Mad at myself for losing control because of a moment of carelessness, I swear loudly. I’m holding my injured hand in my other hand. Members of my team run to me. I kick a rock in front of me, and angrily stomp away. I need to cool down.
I’m sitting in an ambulance, where they’re cleaning my wound. I have my phone in my uninjured hand, reading messages from Ella. She heard I fell off my bike and hurt myself, but nobody told her I was okay.
Ella: Jake, are you al
l right?
Ella: Jake, please call me so I know you aren’t hurt.
Ella: Jake, I’m scared and worried sick. Please, call me ASAP.
The messages go on. I feel terrible for causing her worry. I wasn’t able to call her earlier because of all the commotion here.
“Okay, it should be fine for now. Before the race, you’ll get a shot for the pain, so you’ll be able to race,” a member of our medical team says. I nod, and jump off the table. I hurry toward the locker room, so I can finally call Ella, and hear her beautiful voice.
“Jake?” I hear her worried voice. “Oh my god, are you okay?”
“Hey, babe, I’m fine,” I assure her, and I hear her loud exhale. “Just a minor injury, nothing worse.”
“Damn it, I was worried sick. I only heard you had a nasty fall, and that was it. Scenes of Josh’s accident played in my head the whole day.”
“It’s alright, babe. Don’t worry. I’m perfectly fine. Even better now that I’m talking to you. How are you?” I hear her take a deep breath and then, silence. “Babe, what is wrong?”
“I can’t do this,” she starts.
“What are you talking about?” What the hell is she talking about?
“You and me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.” I hear her sigh; her voice is shaking.
“Don’t say that. Of course you’re strong enough. Why wouldn’t you be? It was just a little fall.”