by Celeste, B.
I squeeze Ainsley closer to my body, letting us cry together until we’re drained of tears. Nothing about Danny’s loss will ever be easier. She’ll always be without a father, and I’ll always be without my best friend.
“I’m sorry, Ainsley. I’m so…” I suck in a breath and try to calm my breathing. What she needs from me is strength. If I can’t be strong for her, I’ve failed. I fail myself, and I fail Danny.
But there’s something in the back of my mind that eggs on the possibility that he would have changed his will if he’d had the chance to after the night we spent together. Would he have chosen somebody else? I couldn’t think of anybody else he would have asked to care for her, and I wonder if I won by default or he truly trusted me with his little girl.
I’ll never know.
“I love you. He loved you too.”
She nods in the crook of my neck, her tears absorbing into my skin. I keep combing my fingers through her hair until the noise subsides and she slowly, slowly falls back asleep.
I don’t bother waking her up or worrying about school. Something tells me we both need a day off without responsibility. No school. No work. Just us.
I’m only half aware of the feeling somebody is staring at me when I crack my eyes open in the uncomfortable position I’m in on Ainsley’s bed. She’s still sleeping soundly in front of me, leaving my body twisted in ways it doesn’t normally bend.
Easton’s brows draw up as he glances at his phone, probably double checking the time. He glances back up at me. “It’s after eight.”
I nod, putting my finger to my lips and finagling my way out from behind Ainsley without waking her. Her face is finally content, her thumb in her mouth. She doesn’t suck on it often, just when she’s stressed. Knowing her mind isn’t at ease even in sleep has me frowning as I meet Easton outside her room.
“You’ve been crying,” he states coolly.
I swallow. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not at school.”
My shoulders lift slightly. “Taking a day off with Ainsley. We need it.”
His spine straightens. “Is she sick again?”
I quickly shake my head. “No, nothing like that. It’s, uh…” My eyes go back to Ainsley, and I worry my lip. “Today is going to be a bad one for her. For … us. So, we’re going to spend it together.”
He studies me too closely, making me squirm and avoid all eye contact. I don’t want him to ask because I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold it together if he does.
When his hand squeezes my wrist once, I close my eyes and let out a shaky breath. “We lost Danny three years ago today. She remembers, Easton.”
He curses softly, pulling me into his arms and wrapping me up against his body. The way he holds me has me sinking into his chest, letting his arms keep me still. “Sorry, Piper.”
As much as I don’t want to, I pull away and swipe at a few loose tears. “You have nothing to be sorry for. But I don’t want to talk about it.”
His lips twitch before pressing into a thin line, and I wonder what he’s thinking. He doesn’t offer anything, just nods once and watches me shift my weight from one foot to another. When he looks at me like this, like I’m something to dissect, I get uncomfortable. What does he see when he pays close attention? Does he see the way my eyes dull when I think of Danny? Or heat when I think of him? Does he see desperation and despair knowing I could lose everything I’ve worked for because I mouthed off to my boss trying to defend Ainsley? I wonder what he thinks about me being a single mom. He knows the basics—that Ainsley isn’t mine, that Danny died, and that the little girl who cried out for her dad in her sleep last night only has me.
I don’t want him to think I’m pathetic, or worse. A charity case to pity. Deep down, I think we understand each other. Everybody has problems, mine just resurface more than I like. And while I wish Danny hadn’t freaked out after we had sex and left, that he hadn’t gotten into that car, I wouldn’t change the time I’ve gotten with Ainsley and all the time we still have in the future.
“You’re leaving?” I ask, noting his long sleeve black Henley and faded jeans. He always dresses causally with clothes that fit his body well. Shirts that wrap around large muscles and jeans that emphasize long legs. The only tattoos visible on him today are on his right hand from the sleeve that covers his entire arm. I’ve always wanted to know what the story is behind the objects that seem so random—an hourglass, words, numbers, roses. None of them make sense, but I bet each one has meaning. Easton told me once that he hates tattooing customers who get tattoos for the hell of it, not connecting with the ink they’re permanently putting on their bodies. It makes me think there’s a story to be told. I’m just not brave enough to ask to hear it.
“Jay and I have some errands to run before we open,” he explains, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Okay.” I glance at the floor, pulling at the edge of my tee only then realizing how much skin is showing. I’m not sure why nerves suddenly creep into my consciousness considering he’s seen me naked more times than I can count. It shouldn’t matter how much thigh is on display, but it does. “Well, have a good day. We’ll be here if you need something. Not that you probably do. But—” I cringe, not knowing why I’m rambling like an idiot. I take a deep breath and move frizzy hair out of my face. “Okay. Well, see you.”
He stops me as I step toward Ainsley’s door again. “If you need me, just call. I don’t have a busy day anyway.”
My brows furrow. Why would he even tell me that? But instead of asking, I just nod and force a tight-lipped smile that I hope looks at least semi-genuine. He confuses me more than I want to admit, but I think it’s no different for him.
When we part ways, I lay down behind Ainsley and snuggle her close. It’s an hour later when we both wake up again, her brown eyes staring right into mine … and she’s silent.
Completely, heartbreakingly silent.
Chapter Eleven
The next time I find myself on campus, tutoring passes in a blink and classes even quicker. I don’t pay attention, too distracted. My fingernails are nothing but ridged edges from all the biting I’ve done, and the skin around them red and raw.
By the time I’m seated in my usual chair in Carter’s—Professor Ford’s—class, it’s impossible to zone out no matter how much I want the day to end. I’m physically and emotionally drained after being scolded by my advisor this morning about my student teaching position, followed by the reprimanding conversation insisting I had very few options. She told me I wouldn’t graduate unless I apologized to Harris and finished what I started.
Professor Ford’s gaze scrolls across the room, waiting for someone to speak up on the question he asked. With each second that passes, his shoulders droop just a little lower by the lack of answers. I’m not sure why I feel bad about it, but I do.
“Why do myths exist?” he repeats, stopping a few feet in front of me. “This isn’t a trick question. You’re all adults with, hopefully, working minds. Think.”
Internally sighing, I raise my hand.
His eyes cut to me instantly, like he was hoping I’d speak up. “Piper.”
“Myths gives us reasons to justify why the world works the way it does,” I answer, glancing at everyone staring at me. I return my gaze to his dark eyes. “They bring comfort to people who try rationalizing everything.”
His arms cross. “Like?”
“Uh…” I blink. “I think about Greek Mythology and how there’s a God for different aspects of life. There’s a reason why the seasons change, and where you go after death. There seems to be an answer for everything, which people need.”
“Because…?”
“It’s human nature to want answers. Nobody likes being left in the unknown. If you knew the Underworld existed, you’d probably feel a little more at ease about death.” My throat tightens over the thought of something like the afterlife existing. I used to be obsessed with Greek Mythology when I was younger
. My mom would take me to the local library where I checked out every single book they had on the various myths.
What did Danny believe in? He went to church with his wife every Sunday, but he admitted he wasn’t sure if he fully believed in God or what happens after death. I wonder if he ever decided before the night of the accident. Did he make peace with his doubts? He wouldn’t be in the worst depths of Hades if that even exists. Danny was good. Too good. He cared.
Just not about me.
Carter must see me drift off, because he gets other people’s opinions on the matter. A few students go back and forth on the realness of myths, arguing that it’s all bullshit. Is it? Anything is possible.
I’m not sure where my mind is the rest of the class period. It’s not involved in the discussion, but not centered anywhere specific either. I’m stuck somewhere in between, drifting in nothingness that I suffocate in. My chest becomes heavy, but not as weighed down as my head from the feelings I refuse to accept. They pile on my shoulders until it’s hard to function at all. I’m Atlas.
Startled when everybody gets up, I snap out of whatever realm I’m stuck in and look around the room as it empties. I begin shoving my notebook into my bag, noting the empty paper that’s supposed to be full of discussion points from class, and sigh to myself.
“Piper,” Carter says, walking up to me with his hands in his pockets.
“I need to—”
“Stay,” he cuts me off. “Talk to me.”
My jaw ticks. Why do guys always assume I want to talk to them? “I have places I need to be, Professor Ford. But thanks for the offer.”
I stand up, he steps to block me. “It’s not an offer. You weren’t paying attention, you never wrote anything down, and barely participated. What’s going on?”
Not seeing how it’s any of his business, I slide my bag strap over my shoulder and shake my head at him. “All due respect, my time with you is over for the day. I’m going home.”
He doesn’t grab me like East does, knowing his boundaries. But I can tell he wants to stop me. “You’ve always been a smart kid, Piper. Don’t let whatever is going on in your personal life impact your schoolwork.”
My nostrils flare. “You know nothing.”
“That’s because you won’t tell me,” he points out, arms crossing over his chest. Today’s combo is a light gray button down shirt and black slacks. In hindsight, he’s right. He knows it, I know it, but pride is a bitch. “If you’re going to ignore me during class, it’s my business.”
A dry laugh bubbles past my lips. “You know what my problem is, Professor?”
“Carter,” he says.
“It’s that I’m probably not going to graduate on time like I planned,” I continue, ignoring his pointless correction. “Once again, I’m getting screwed over no matter how hard I try. My life keeps getting thrown off course, and I’m so fucking sick of it.”
I don’t wince over swearing in front of him. In fact, I don’t even care. It’s the truth, every word. Every time I try to make something of my life, another storm comes and ruins the opportunity. But it doesn’t just impact me now, it impacts Ainsley. I can’t keep screwing up because I’m responsible for another human being.
And that’s … it’s scary.
Too scary. Before I know it, tears well in my eyes but don’t fall. I refuse to let them, especially in front of Carter. His posture tenses when he sees me tear up, his brows pinching with concern. “Piper? What’s wrong?”
“I lost my placement,” I tell him brokenly, squeezing my eyes shut and palming the lids with the heels of my hand. “I was just doing what was right and they told me not to come back. They told me to find somewhere better suited for me. But there’s nowhere with availability. Everyone else in the program is taking up local schools.”
“For student teaching?”
“Yes.”
To my surprise, he says, “What about being a TA for a professor here on campus? I had an old friend from college who did that.”
My hands fall to my sides as I look at him with a blurry gaze. “What?”
He nods, a small smile tipping up his lips in what little comfort he can offer me. “Sure. And if you’re interested in teaching for higher education, it’d be even better. But experience is experience, and I’d be happy to help you by talking to your adviser and my director to get approval for it.”
I gape at him, the tears drying quickly until his serious expression is clear as day. “Wait. Are you saying you’d let me be your teaching assistant?”
His chin dips. “Of course.”
Of course. How can it be that simple? “I don’t know if that would work. I mean, I’ve considered getting my PhD one day to become a History professor, but—”
“Good. So talk to your adviser.”
“Carter … Professor Ford—”
He steps forward, the tips of his dress shoes brushing my thrift shop winter boots. “I want to help you, Piper. You deserve this. Why don’t we talk to people right now and you can email me about what your adviser says. I honestly don’t see why my director would be against it, especially if it’s for academic reasons.”
What other reason would there be? I shake it off, gripping my bag. “Why are you doing this for me? You don’t know me, and I was a bitch to you.”
“You had your reasons.”
“It’s no excuse.”
“You and Danny were close,” he says quietly, shifting slightly on his feet. “I know you cared about him. I know his death had to have been hard for you. Your anger was justified because you lost your friend. I’m not upset.”
He should be. Shouldn’t he? The way I acted is almost embarrassing to me now. “Are you sure about this? If they say yes, you’re stuck with me for the semester.”
His low chuckle fills the room. “It’ll be a help. My other 101 class is a handful and there’s more coursework. I could use a hand grading papers and splitting the work. You’ll need to teach a few classes, so we’ll figure it out once we know it’s happening.”
I’m too afraid to get my hopes up and believe it will. Every other time I’ve done that, I’ve crashed and burned from the expectations. Like when I thought I’d graduate with my bachelor’s degree, move onto my master’s, and get the perfect job by the time I was twenty-four. I’d be with Danny and Ainsley, maybe down the fast track to a real happy place with a family, and all would be right in the world.
Instead, I’m a twenty-six-year-old single mom who’s still mourning the death of her best friend turned one-night stand, and over a year behind on schooling because I took on the parental role to a girl who I have to fight for every single day because of her condition.
Nothing is what I planned.
Softly, I say, “Thank you, Professor.”
“It’s Carter, Piper. It’ll always be Carter.”
My heart aches over such a simple sentence, especially seeing how much he means it when I lock eyes with his. That dark color staring back at me paired with a pearly white smile has my chest tightening with a familiarity it held when I was a teenager. Maybe, just maybe, a little of my crush still remains on the man who’s willing to help me even without knowing all the details.
That means something to me.
“And you’re welcome,” he adds, brushing my arm with his palm before squeezing it once. “If you need me, I’m here to help. I’ve known you for a long time and I want to make sure you’re going to be okay.”
I know why he says it. For Jesse. For Danny. He’s making up lost time and trying to make it worth my forgiveness. But he doesn’t have to. Not after talking to Mable.
But I don’t tell him that.
Jenna decides to give me time to myself by looking after Ainsley on Saturday, which lands me in front of The Inked Lotus. Their open sign stares me in the face as I sit in the car debating on whether to go in or not. East and I have been fine at home, not really skirting around each other, but also not engaging either.
It feels like it did wh
en he first moved in, and I know I’m at fault. I’ve barely told him about the new arrangement I have for my student teaching hours, just that it worked out. He gave me a typical one-word response and watched me walk upstairs with Ainsley to get her ready. He hasn’t been to my room or tried anything with me since the night in the kitchen, and I’m not sure if I’m glad or confused by it.
I take a deep breath and turn off the car, grabbing my purse and getting out. Easton has done way more than a roommate has to, and it’s hard to ignore that fact. So, I ignore the weirdness that walking in might induce and push open the door with a smile on my face.
Like usual, Jay greets me first. He’s not working on anybody like Easton is, so he pushes off the couch where he’s laying down and pulls me into a one-armed hug. I laugh as he messes up my hair, pushing him away. “Really? I actually put effort into looking decent today.” I brush out the frizz with my fingers, rolling my eyes at his goofy grin.
Jay reminds me of Danny. He’s charming in a class-clown kind of way and isn’t afraid to work for everything he wants. It’s funny to see how opposite his personality is to Easton, who’s much quieter and more subdued.
“What brings you here, Red?” He leans against the counter and studies me. “Let me guess, you’re here to let me ink you.”
“No.”
His brows raise. “Pierce you?”
My lips part, then close.
His eyes widen. “Really?” He claps his hand and gestures for me to follow him to his chair. “Shit, Red. What kind of piercing? We just got new stock in the back. Let me go bring some out for you to choose from.”
Before I can say anything, he’s already down the hall. Blinking, I slowly sit at his station, peaking over at Easton whose needle has stopped moving over the guy’s arm he’s working on.
We lock eyes. His are narrow and skeptical as he studies me up and down. “You’re getting a piercing?”
“I figured it’s time.”
He sets the needle down and says something to the man before walking over to me with his arms crossed over his chest. “I thought you couldn’t because of school policy. You said it’s against dress code.”