by Celeste, B.
Jenna turns to me with a quirked brow. “I don’t recall her telling me about a silver fox.” She winks at me before pulling out a seat. “Well, Carter, I’m about to go She Hulk on this entire restaurant if I don’t eat something. Pipe, sit down.”
Sighing, I give Carter an apologetic look before taking a seat directly across from him. I don’t want to be here, but I also don’t want to tell him that and risk an even more awkward conversation Monday. “I can’t stop her when she gets like this. Feel free to tell us to go.”
He chuckles, grabbing his glass. I’d bet my money it’s full of sweet tea, probably peach flavored just like my mom used to make for him when he visited. “I called you over so you could sit here anyway. It’s swamped tonight.”
Jenna props her elbow on the edge of the table and rests her chin in her palm. “Is there any reason you’re dining here alone?”
I kick her foot. It’s none of our business, but that’s never stopped her before. If she finds out I saw Carter earlier in the day and that he’s my professor who’s helping me get my graduating credits she’d overanalyze the situation and make something out of nothing. It’s bad enough she knows we were in each other’s life growing up.
Carter’s lips tilt at the corners. “I was supposed to meet with a coworker, but he canceled last minute. Figured I’d grab dinner while I was here, so I didn’t—what is it—Hulk out.”
Thankfully, a waitress appears and gives both of us menus. I opt to keep it simple with water and chef salad. Jenna, on the other hand, insists on ordering a margarita special, along with some seafood special I’ve never heard of in my entire life.
When it’s just the three of us again, I direct my focus on Carter, hoping to keep the conversation light. “Did you have a good day?”
The lack of a plate in front of him means he’s probably still waiting on his food. “It’s been productive.” I’m glad he doesn’t bring up the Rec Center and give him a small smile before glancing down at my lap.
Jenna intervenes. “What was my best friend like growing up? Was she the same quiet nerd I know her as? Or was she a bratty diva? I feel like you have stories.”
“Jenna,” I hiss under my breath.
“She was cute.”
Blinking at his words, I distract myself from the possibility of pushing Jenna out of her chair. His dark eyes are bright, playful. Sort of like they were when he and Jesse were up to no good. It makes me smile back easily, unexpectedly.
“Cute,” my best friend repeats slowly. “How so? What level of cuteness are we talking? I’m going to need details, since Piper never talks about her childhood.”
I throw my head back. “I’ve told you there’s nothing interesting to say. You know who my family are and what they do. You knew Danny. What else is there to know?”
Jenna gestures at Carter. “You forgot to mention that you have a family friend who is one hundred percent fuckable. That’s important information.”
My eyes bulge out of my head. She did not just call my professor fuckable. Based on the sudden throat clearing in front of me, she did.
“Not all of us are as horny as you,” is my comeback, which makes me sink into my seat given the present company we have. Covering my flaming hot face, I try evening my breathing.
Jenna considers this. “True.” After the waitress delivers our drinks, she takes a sip of hers before turning to Carter. “I want to know all the embarrassing stuff she won’t enlighten me on. She’s seen me do far too many stupid things. I feel like I need to even the playing field.”
My eyes meet Carter’s for a fraction of a second in a silent plea. The way his light up tells me that I may be in for a long dinner. Far from the relaxing one I hoped for.
He swipes his thumb across his bottom lip to hide his growing smirk. “She used to wear her hair in pigtails every day and call herself Pippi Longstocking.”
Jenna bursts out laughing while I cover my face with my palms again and suppress a groan. “Why would you do that? I hope there’s pictures, because I need to see evidence of this.”
My shoulders drop as I glance up. “I found the book at a garage sale that my parents took me to and begged my mom to buy it for me. It just became an obsession I guess.”
Carter wraps his long fingers around his sweet tea. “It was cute, like I said. I remember Jesse telling me that your parents would try putting on the television show, but you’d refuse to watch it because her hair wasn’t right.”
“It wasn’t!”
Jenna snorts. “You’re too adorable.”
“Shut up. I can tell stories about you.”
She makes a face at me. “At least those stories all involved me being drunk. You chose to be Pippi Longstocking sober.”
Her argument isn’t one I’d use in the court of law, but I let it slide. Mostly because we’d exchange stories all night, and the last thing I want Carter to hear is how I spent my college years being the teacher’s pet.
“Speaking of drinking,” she persists, shooting me a wicked grin before focusing on Carter. “I need your opinion about our dear old friend. She insists that she can’t go out and have fun because she has other responsibilities. You seem like a reasonable guy, so you’ll give us your honest thoughts, right?”
Carter licks his dry lips, hesitation clear on my suddenly aware features. “Well—”
“Good. So, I’m trying to convince Piper to let loose for the night. She says that going out to eat is her version of that, which is pretty pathetic. She’s too young to be this boring, am I right?”
Carter doesn’t answer.
“And she’s beautiful, right?”
Carter blinks, lifting his drink to his lips.
“Which means,” Jenna concludes, “that she needs to go out and get laid.”
“Oh my God,” I whisper, sinking further into my seat while Carter coughs up his drink. A few drops dribble down his chin, which he quickly catches with a napkin.
“Wow. Was not expecting that.” He sets his glass down and looks at no particular area in front of him, especially not me.
Jenna puts her hand on my shoulder. “I didn’t hear you deny any of those claims. I’m simply saying that we both care about our friend’s wellbeing, right?”
I brush her hand off. “Me and my wellbeing are just fine grabbing a quick bite to eat, thank you very much.”
“Ainsley loves you—”
“Stop,” I whisper. I can feel Carter’s eyes on me, which makes me close mine. “Not here.”
Her hand finds mine and squeezes. “I know for a fact that Danny wouldn’t want you to stop living. That isn’t why he asked you to take care of her.”
Swallowing, I push my chair back. The tightening in my chest quickly rises, suffocating me slowly. “I just remembered that I have to get home.” My voice cracks, leaving me vulnerable to the sets of eyes staring at me.
Jenna reaches out. “Piper, come on.”
I just shake my head and walk out, not having the energy to deal with her telling me she’s sorry when I know she is. Jenna never means any harm when she brings up Danny. The hurt still settles into my chest when she does though. Then the panic attacks start, leaving me winded and crying and begging for air.
I tell myself I’m fine, even when I’m not.
Chapter Thirteen
The fake smile plastered on my face could be picked apart easily by anyone who knows me. Carter Ford isn’t one of those people. He greets me without any hesitation when we meet in the classroom where he teaches American History 101.
For a few short moments, it seems like the weekend is behind us. There’s no talk of the Rec Center, Ainsley, or the restaurant. But the tension in my shoulders doesn’t ease because my mind knows it’s coming.
His throat clears first, a sure sign that he’s about to bring up a topic that I don’t want to speak on. For a moment, I consider asking him to leave it be—my life, his questions. A different part of me, a dominant side, does the opposite and lets him say what he wan
ts. “I wanted to apologize if I made you uncomfortable before,” he begins quietly, gathering the graded papers in front of him and setting them on the small table between us.
“You didn’t.” Not intentionally, anyway. I can differentiate the two, given the experiences I’ve had with professors in the past. “Don’t worry about it, Professor Ford. It’s fine.”
“It’s not.” He walks around the table and sits on the edge of it, stretching his long legs out and crossing his arms over his chest. “I was surprised to see you Saturday morning, and looking back, I’m a bit embarrassed over my reaction. I just wasn’t expecting…”
“Ainsley?” I guess, putting distance between us like I have something to be embarrassed about. “We get that a lot. I do.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I didn’t realize you and Danny…” He clears his throat. “I knew you liked him back then, but I didn’t realize you had a kid. It makes even more sense why you were so upset with me.”
I’d get back to the idea that everybody seemingly knew I’d had a thing for Danny, but it’s not what my mind latches onto. “Carter, it isn’t like that. My situation is complicated.”
I notice a curious shift in his gaze, but it goes away quickly as he pushes up. “It’s none of my business. I just wanted to apologize for how I acted.”
Why do I feel the urge to tell him the truth? It’s not some big secret that I’m supposed to keep. Ainsley doesn’t look like me. Anyone who has ever paid attention or stayed in my life would know how she got into my care. They’d also see how much I love her—how much I fucking wish she could have been biologically mine. And that drives the desire to set the record straight even more because I’m angry.
I’m angry at Danny for not loving me. I’m angry at him for choosing someone else. A part of me despises him for dying. Not because he changed my life forever, but because it hurts too much to not see him in any form. Whether our friendship would have ended after the night we slept together or not doesn’t matter, it couldn’t anymore. But if I could do that night over…
“She’s not mine,” I whisper, almost to myself because saying it any louder physically cripples the half-dead organ in my chest. “The world got to see how much I loved Danny, but he never loved me.”
Carter freezes, the marker in his hand gripped tight in his hold as he meets my gaze. He says nothing. I’m not sure there’s anything he could say right now to make the pain any better.
My chapped bottom lip cracks when I run the tip of my tongue over it. “I had to watch him fall in love with somebody else. I was in his wedding. I became his daughter’s godmother.” I click my tongue, letting out a humorless laugh like the whole thing is funny. In a way, it is. “I’m not sure why I subjected myself to that kind of torture when I knew nothing would happen. I just hoped one day…”
“He’d choose you,” he finishes quietly for me. I take a deep breath and nod slowly, feeling pathetic and slimy for having the thoughts.
“I liked his wife, for the record.” It seems odd that I found the woman who took Danny away from me kind, but I did. She was sweet and wanted to be a mother more than anything. More than that, I knew the truth. You can’t steal something that isn’t yours—Danny was always the love of her life, just like she was his. “And there for a blip in time after he lost her, I thought the universe would finally let us happen. I never stopped being there for Danny and Ainsley. It felt right to me. But Danny…”
Danny was in mourning. It never changed even when the years passed. He’d pretend like he was okay, like he’d found a way to heal, but if there’s one thing that was cemented the night we locked ourselves in my bedroom, it’s that he never stopped loving her or grieving her loss.
I could never be what he needed.
Because he needed her.
Shaking my head, I put an escaped strand of thick auburn hair behind my ear. “It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. I just hate that I’m trapped knowing how pathetic Danny must have thought I was after—” The door opens, and kids begin walking in, cutting me off from making myself sound even more tragic to Carter.
A fake smile spreads across my face as I tip my head at his prying eyes and turn to grab the stack of graded papers he asked me to hand out to everyone to help learn their names.
Class passes.
He stares.
I avoid.
And when the students don’t give me an excuse to deflect his lingering gaze any longer, I have no option but to try leaving before he can say anything about what I admitted. He doesn’t have to tell me that I should be ashamed for how I felt, or what I thought and hoped. I’ve been sick from guilt knowing what Danny must have thought about me in his last moments.
Did he love me even as a friend? Or despise me for pushing the line? Every time I let my mind wander to that place, another piece of me shatters inside.
“Piper, wait up,” he calls, gathering his belongings as quickly as possible before I can make it to the door. He walks up beside me with firm eyes that are hard to look into. “You’re not pathetic. You’re human. A girl who had hope.”
I roll my eyes. “Hope doesn’t always get us anywhere, Professor. It’s when you have too much of it that makes you pitiful for holding on by a thread.”
“That’s not a bad thing.” He tilts his head and adjusts his messenger bag. “Listen, I think it’s admirable what you’ve done for him and his wife. I can tell just from the short interaction that you love his little girl. And she loves you.”
I have to look away, so he doesn’t see the tears begin welling up in my eyes. I’m grateful he doesn’t push me on the matter, tell me to look at him, or get me to talk.
All he says is, “If it makes you feel any better, I think Danny did love you.”
I huff out a dry laugh. “Not in the way that counted.”
His retort stops my bitter thoughts. “Is there any form of love that doesn’t count in the long run?”
When I finally look up, he just smiles softly and walks out the door. I watch him wave to somebody before pushing open the glass doors and disappearing outside. I manage to loosen a breath and shake the tension out that my body succumbs to on days like this.
The days where I admit the truth.
I hate myself.
Because I feel like I’m responsible for Danny’s death.
On days when my mood turns into an all-time low, I’m grateful for my best friend. It takes one phone call for her to be on top of the responsibilities I shouldn’t put second to my mental health, but when the weather gets bad, my anxiety takes over until I can’t breathe.
It’s only knowing that Ainsley is at Jenna’s with an array of bad food I can’t even be upset over that allows me to drag out a few deep breaths in my car. My car that won’t start. The very same vehicle sitting in the nearly abandoned lot on campus.
Honestly, I should have expected as much. Whenever the temperature goes below zero, the Highlander acts up. Last time it stopped working the local dealership told me there was nothing they could do. That left me and Ainsley stranded for over an hour until a tow truck and my dad could come to rescue us.
My hands stay gripped on the steering wheel as I rest my forehead against the top of the worn leather. I let out a shaky breath that fogs the air from the negative five-degree weather and try figuring out a plan. Neither of my parents would get here before my face goes numb, and I wouldn’t want them or Jenna and Ainsley, to drive in the flurry we’re having.
If I had watched the weather more closely, I wouldn’t have stayed so long at the tutoring center with my last student. It’s rare to have people who want the help, much less accept it when offered. I wasn’t going to let anyone down by cutting out early because of a little snow.
I scream when knuckles tap against the window, jerking up to see Carter squinting inside. When we lock eyes, his widen like he wasn’t expecting it to be me pathetically sitting in the driver’s seat.
Shoulders dropping, I slowly open the door and
give him my best smile. Though the defeat wavering the corners probably doesn’t make it very believable. He and I have been fine since I started assisting his classes almost two weeks ago. We fall into a routine, bouncing class conversations off each other, and not diving too deep into personal conversations that surround Danny outside of class. Sometimes he’ll bring up random things from the past, but usually it’s about my older brother, and even that is a sore subject considering we don’t speak.
“Piper?” he examines me, then my car.
“My car won’t start.”
“I didn’t know it was you,” he admits, jabbing his finger toward the faculty parking lot that neighbors the commuter one. “I thought I saw someone in here without it on.”
“Yeah, well…” I shake my head and try not to curse like I want to. All I want is to go home and change into something warm and fuzzy. Hell, I might even find myself bold enough to knock on East’s door.
Over the past few weeks, we’ve found ourselves seeking each other’s company more often. Sometimes he’ll come home in a bad mood and tell me business is bad or Jay annoys him, and then we do a whole lot of not talking until he leaves. Except, there’s been two more times when he stays longer than normal. He’ll stay, ask me questions. We’ll just talk about anything.
And the weird thing is … I don’t mind it.
“…if you want.” I blink, embarrassed to admit I didn’t hear anything he just said. Instead, I wrap my arms around myself and slide out of the car once I have my bag and phone in my hands. “Unless you have someone else to call,” he adds, watching me close the door.
He offered me a ride home.
I shake my head. “I don’t. Well, not anyone nearby. Mom and Dad would come get me, but I don’t want them out here in this.”
The snow has picked up and based on the way it pelts the knit hat Mom made me last year, I know it’s starting to mix. Sleet. Ice. I need to get home.
Carter gestures toward the other parking lot, gently putting his hand on the small of my back to guide me over the small strip of grass that separates the parking lots, to a large black Sedan parked a row away from where I parked. He opens the passenger side door for me and smiles before closing it, opening the back up to set his stuff down on the seat.