C’mon, says Teddy, standing back up again when the car is gone. He makes a bear-shadow against the brick wall of the house, from the streetlamp. Let’s go.
He leads us through a gap in the fence, and I realize we’re taking a shortcut to the park.
“Teddy, I can’t walk through the brambles,” I say. “I’m not wearing any shoes.”
But he doesn’t stop, so I have to keep up. I tell myself I have to be brave, like Saint Joan. I keep walking.
The kitty is still following us. She doesn’t make any noise at all as she walks, just like Teddy. All I can hear is the sound of my own feet in the grass.
This way.
I hear the squeaking of the swing set first, before we even get to the playground. There’s someone there, I think, hiding in the dark.
Get back, Aoife, says Teddy.
We creep around the fence, keeping low, Teddy and I. There’s a streetlamp on the corner, so if I look kind of out of the corner of my eyes, I can see shapes. There’s someone standing in the playground smoking a cigarette, a man, in a dark jacket with a black hat. I can smell a nasty, burned-rubber kind of smell, and I don’t like it. It takes a second before I can see that there’s another man standing in the corner, all in gray. They’re talking in low voices and laughing, and there’s a woman with them, too. I can’t see her at first, but I can hear her voice. I hear the sound of the swings again, and I realize the woman, whoever she is, must be sitting in the seat kicking herself off the ground, just like I do.
I wonder if these are homeless people like Mama warned me about. But they’re not asleep, so maybe not. Maybe they have nice homes and also are nice to little girls. Or maybe they’re thugs from the city.
It makes me feel funny to see these grown-ups hanging out in our place. The playground is for Hannah and me, and for kids, not for strangers to laugh in and smoke nasty-smelling cigarettes.
Aoife, keep away from them, says Teddy. Let’s go.
“But Teddy, they shouldn’t be there!” I whisper. “They’re ruining it!”
Let’s go, Aoife! I feel a cold wind pick up, and I don’t want to make Teddy mad. So we creep low, away from the playground. Teddy is ahead of me, getting farther away, and I have to hurry to keep up. The kitty follows behind us, not trying to keep up. We make a big circle around the edge of the trees where the strangers can’t see us.
This way, says Teddy, slipping into the bushes.
Now I can hear the sound of the water trickling from the creek. Teddy is making straight for it, and I’m not sure I want to go, but the strangers will see me if I go back.
The kitty stops following us when we get to the edge of the grass. She sits at the edge of the tree line and watches us, like she’s trying to figure out what we’re doing. I don’t know either.
Down the hill, says Teddy. He disappears into the branches, and I bite my lip. “Bye-bye, kitty,” I whisper, and then I follow Teddy towards the trees.
Even though my feet are tough on the bottoms from playing outside, it still hurts to walk on the branches in the dark. I try to keep up anyway. I only cut myself a little.
Now that we’re under the trees, the moon doesn’t reach us anymore. There are old, dried-up leaves from last year under my feet, and as the hill gets steeper, they slide out from under me. But it feels good on my toes where it’s slimy and cool underneath.
“Teddy, I’m getting slugs under my toenails,” I say.
Almost there, says Teddy. Keep walking.
I know where we’re going, of course. We’re going to the Secret Place. I just don’t know why.
Hannah and I climb down here all the time, but it’s a lot harder in the dark. I can’t see where I’m going, and the hillside is slippery even in bare feet. There’s fallen branches and I stub my toe a couple times before remembering how to slide-walk. I put my hands out so I don’t bump into any trees.
Look, says Teddy. We’re almost there.
He’s right—I can see the rock because it sticks out over the river and there’s no trees blocking it from the moon. When I look down, I can see a little shine of silver from the capital-D moon reflecting on the water. And with the extra light, it’s not hard to scramble over the last little bit and onto the smooth, cool stone.
“Teddy, we made it!” I say. The water is louder here. Earlier in the year the whole river was full, but there’s not that much in it now, just enough to run between the rocks. Soon it will be totally dry and we can walk down there in the mud and look for toads.
Light the candle, says Teddy. I want to show you now.
“What candle?”
In your hand, says Teddy.
I look down, and he’s right. I’m holding the apple candle from Hannah’s house. Teddy must have taken it out from under Theo’s bed and brought it along.
“Teddy, this is Hannah’s,” I say. “We shouldn’t have it out here without permission.”
We need it, says Teddy. Now, it’s time to light the candle.
“Are we having a séance?” I ask, because that’s what Hannah did with the candle. Teddy doesn’t answer me, because he’s busy leaning over the edge of the rock to watch the water.
So I sit down on the rock, far from the edge that I can’t really see very well. From low down, everything beyond the rock is just dark-purple dark.
Here, says Teddy, and he hands me Mac’s silver lighter. Hurry up, he says. Do it.
I’m a little afraid of the lighter, because I know the fire is going to burst out of it. But I hold it in one hand and try to push down the little lever, just like Hannah showed me. Nothing happens. The lever is stiff.
Faster, says Teddy. Harder.
I’m afraid to push it faster or harder, because I know fire is going to come out, and I’m afraid of fire. But Teddy says to do it, and I want to be brave like Joan of Arc, so I do. The little snick sound happens, and then the fire pops out the end of the lighter.
“Teddy, I did it!” I say.
The flame goes out because I let go of the lever. But it still counts.
Again, says Teddy. Hold it over the wick first.
It’s hard to do so many things at once. I put the lighter right up against the wick of the apple candle and try to hold it still while I push the lever down again, fast enough to make the snick. It takes me a couple times, but I’m not afraid anymore. The flame comes on, and I hold it over the wick like Hannah did. The lighter gets hot in my hands.
Good enough, says Teddy. And when I let go of the lever, the candle stays lit. My fingers are pinchy and hot feeling, so I shake them out, and that feels a little better.
The Secret Place looks scary with just the candle. I forgot how the fire makes things look creepy. The apple candle burns kind of red, and it makes everything flickery and pink.
“What was the point of that?” I ask Teddy.
“Because,” says Teddy, “You can see me now.”
I look over, and there’s a boy sitting on the rock with me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before. He’s got dark hair, and tan skin, and thick eyebrows.
“This is my secret place,” says Teddy. “You can see me, right? For real?”
“I thought the séance was supposed to summon my brother,” I say. “You’re not Theo.” I know what Theo looks like because his picture is in our hallway, and this is definitely not him. “Are you a saint?” He doesn’t look like a saint.
“Of course not,” he says. “Aoife, don’t you remember me? I’m Teddy. Who else would I be?”
“Oh.” But I don’t understand, because Teddy is a bear. A big, friendly bear who likes honey and pinecones. I don’t understand who this boy is.
“I’ve been trying to explain to you,” says Teddy. “What happened to your brother, why your mom is crazy.”
“Mama’s not crazy,” I say, mad. “She’s just a little confused right now.”
“Your mom is crazy because of Theo, because of what he did,” says Teddy.
“But—what did he do?”
&nb
sp; “He killed me,” says Teddy.
Dear Donny,
I’ve had another slip. They say it may be a while still, and it kills me to think of Aoife waiting for me. She doesn’t remember things that happened a few years ago, but she’ll remember every day now that we are separated. I told her we’d watch the fireworks together, and for the last month she asked me each morning, Is it today? Is it today? Soon, I told her. Soon, baby.
I don’t want her to realize that grown-ups don’t keep their promises, that she’ll have to look out for herself. I remember learning the same lessons myself, and how much it changed me.
I just wanted a few more years for her.
One of the nurses told me that one-quarter of a patient’s first-order relatives will end up being diagnosed themselves. “Yeah,” I told her, “well, Aoife is my magical three-quarters.” The doctor tells me not to worry. “It’s normal for little children to have imaginary friends.”
Donny, I know there are things that we are both aware of and do not discuss. I can’t believe that it’s right, but I can’t cast any stones myself. I have had two children outside of marriage. I lost one of them to the demons and not long ago I almost killed the other in my delirium.
Just—
Just watch out for my baby, Donny. She’s our last best chance.
Siobhan
Chapter Ten
Teddy’s not a saint—he’s a ghost. I scream. I’m trying to back up, against the wall of the creek bed, but I accidentally kick the candle away with my foot. It goes flying over the edge of the rock. When I look down, I see it falling, still lit—then it hits the rocks in the creek bed with a dull thunk.
The fire goes out and Teddy is gone.
“Teddy?” I call.
He doesn’t answer.
“Teddy, come back! I’m sorry!”
There’s nothing.
I don’t know what to do next. Why did Teddy go away? Why did he say that, about Theo and Mama? Why did he bring me out here if it wasn’t to help me figure out who killed Theo? Maybe he was teasing me, like Hannah in the séance. And I got scared and now he’s run away.
I get up from the rock, sniffing. I want to go home. I want my bed and I want Gramma Aoife’s rosary and The Illustrated Volume of the Saints. I broke the apple candle and now I’m going to be in big trouble. And I already made Hannah so mad she won’t play with me anymore, and now I did the same thing to Teddy. I pick up the lighter very carefully—it’s still pretty warm—because I know Mac will be sad if I don’t give it back. Maybe I can hide it in his car and he’ll never know it was gone. I can’t tell him Teddy took it, because people always blame me for what Teddy does.
It’s hard to see in the dark again, after the candle. I know I need to go up the steep slope to get back to the park, but it’s dark and I’m afraid I’ll slip. I squish up against the side of the hill so I won’t fall off the edge and put my head down on my knees. Even though it’s warm outside, it’s chilly here by the creek, so I curl up in a little ball. My head is heavy and my nose is stuffed up from crying. I want to cry more, but I’m too tired even to start. I’m so tired it’s hard to keep my eyes open.
One minute I’m in the Secret Place and the next I’m in a shining white hallway, a little bit like the hall in the hospital where they took Mama. Everything is very clean and bright, and it smells like lemons, like it was just washed. And there’s music, people singing, so beautiful that I feel my eyes fill up with tears until they spill out, like the line in Mama’s favorite psalm, my cup runneth over, which means overflowed.
At first I can’t even hear what the voices are singing because all I can think about is how pretty it is. Like one time in church, the choir was singing in Latin, mi-ser-i-cor-des si-cut Pa-ter, and usually Mama says the choir is not that good, but that day they were beautiful, and the light came in through the big window and Mama put her head down in her hands and started to cry, real quiet. I didn’t even know what to do, but later Mama said she was moved by the Spirit. Because the singing was so good, that’s why. And this is like that.
The singing breaks up into different voices, high ones and low ones, and then I can hear one in particular, singing Eeee-fah, Eee-fah, and then I know for sure it’s the Blessed Saints come to visit me again, just like they did in church.
“Hello!” I shout, “I hear you!” I hope they know I’ve been trying real hard to solve Theo’s murder, just like I promised … I’ve found clues, and I’ve interviewed Stephanie and Mac, and I followed Teddy and wasn’t afraid because I thought he was going to lead me to the answer, even though I knew I might get in big trouble, and maybe even would have to go away to Children’s Prison. But after all that I still haven’t figured it out yet.
The saints probably already know the answer, because saints sit at the feet of the Lord and He knows everything. He can even see into the heart of the wicked, so He already knows who killed Theo. But the saints don’t tell me, they just keep singing, and the hallway is blinding white as I walk down it, following the music. The room gets lighter until I can’t see anything at all, except for the beautiful capital-D moon that is hanging in front of me lighting up the whole sky.
Aoife, says a voice that sounds like bells ringing. Listen.
“I’m listening!”
If the voice tells me to raise an army against the wicked King of France, I guess I’ll travel all the way to the president tonight and tell him to send me right away. But instead, the saints show me a giant hand, finger pointed at the moon. And all at once I understand that the moon is just like the spotlight at the car dealerships on Woodward Avenue, not just lighting up the night sky but also pointing to the place I’m supposed to go, just like the star that led people to the baby Jesus. I just need to follow it. And the saints will lead me to the answers so that I can bring my mama home.
“I understand,” I promise, as the voices start to fade. “I’ll go exactly where you say!”
I open my eyes in the gray dark, and I’m lying on the flat rock at the Secret Place.
I sit up, pushing my hair out of my face. I can see the silver light of the moon reflecting off the water, but I need to get to the top of the hill to see where it is. I bite my lip hard, but I’m not a baby, and I know how to get back up to the park. I have to climb.
It’s difficult to climb while I’ve got the silver lighter in my hand. And it’s much harder going up than coming down was. My feet are all scratched up, and it hurts worse to walk back over the sticks and things. Plus, before I had Teddy telling me what to do, and now I’m all alone.
I don’t think I’ve ever been alone before. Usually Mama or Hannah or Sister Mary Celeste or Stephanie or someone is around, and anyway, there’s always Teddy. And now there’s nobody but me. If I grab the wrong branch, I’ll probably slide all the way down the hill and right over the edge.
But I don’t grab the wrong branch. I make it all the way to the top of the hill, and push through the brambles into the park.
The first thing I do as soon as I’m clear of the trees is look up at the sky, trying to find the moon. The last time I saw it, it was hanging over the city of Detroit, and I hope I don’t have to go all the way there—but if the saints tell me to, then I will, and I’ll be brave like Joan of Arc.
It’s not over Detroit now. Sometime while I was in the Secret Place, the moon moved across the sky. I can see it coming out from behind the clouds off to the side of the park, low on the horizon.
It’s a sign.
I start to run across the grass, and my bare feet don’t even hurt anymore. It’s not hard to run fast when I know the saints are watching out for me. I feel like I could do anything, like I could fly.
“Hey!” yells someone. I realize it’s the men smoking on the playground—they’ve seen me in the light of the streetlamp. “Hey! Hey, little girl!”
I hear the gate around the playground crash as someone lets it slam shut behind them, and they might be chasing after me, but I don’t know because I don’t even turn
around to see. I keep running, fast as lightning, following the moon. Someone is still yelling behind me, but I’m already across the grass and into the road, straight across it, quick like a bunny and into the bushes on the other side. You should always cross a road slowly and carefully, but I know the saints wouldn’t let a car hit me. Outside the circle from the lamp, the voices will never, ever find me, and I lean over with my hands on my knees, panting.
The moon is still floating over the street, and when I’ve caught my breath for just a minute, I creep out of the bushes and start walking again. It takes me to the corner, where the neighbor’s cat is waiting, flicking its tail in S curves while it watches me getting closer.
“Hi, kitty!” I whisper. I’m glad to see her, because it’s lonely going on an adventure without Teddy. “Do you want to help me solve the mystery of my brother’s murder?”
The kitty doesn’t answer, but when I keep walking, she gets to her feet and follows a few steps behind me. I think she might want tuna, but I don’t have any.
“We have to keep moving, kitty,” I say. “Do you see where the moon is sinking? We have to follow it!”
So the two of us follow the sign that the saints made for us, running barefoot through the gray light. And it’s only after we cut down three different streets and over the roundabout that I realize the saints are taking us straight to Mr. Rutledge’s house.
But this time I’m not afraid. Knowing that the saints are beside me, I only run faster. I’ll face anything to bring back Mama, even a mean old man like Mr. Rutledge.
It’s further to Mr. Rutledge’s house than I thought, and I can’t run the whole way, but I keep walking even when I get a stitch in my side. From where I’m standing at the end of the street, Mr. Rutledge’s house looks almost exactly like ours, just like most of the houses in the neighborhood: square, brick, and low to the ground. The yard is all long grass and dandelions, just like ours before Hannah’s mom paid one of the boy cousins (not one of the younger ones, the older one) to mow it for us.
All That's Bright and Gone (ARC) Page 14